<<< HUMANE::DISK$SCSI:[NOTES$LIBRARY]DIGITAL.NOTE;1 >>> -< The Digital way of working >- ================================================================================ Note 5223.0 Some Humour (or maybe not ? ;') 12 replies BBQ::WOODWARDC "...but words can break my heart" 63 lines 4-APR-1997 00:41 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This was probably dated 1-April, but is a bit late. >[...headers removed...] (to protect the guilty? ;') ---------- Tragedy Strikes at Digital's Spit Brook Road facility, Nashua N.H. Local merchants and software companies suffer as a result NASHUA, N.H. (AP) -- Acting on an anonymous tip, authorities today responded immediately and converged on Digital Equipment Corporation's "Spitbrook Road" site, only to make the gruesome discovery of yet another mass suicide of computer programmers, this time on an even grander scale. "This is horrible - absolutely mind-boggling," said one official at the scene. Initial estimates are that several hundred computer programmers are feared dead. When asked to describe the scene they uncovered when first entering the Spitbrook Road facility, a spokesman described it as surreal. Like the situation in San Diego, there were bodies strewn everywhere. The individuals were all quite odd-ooking. Many had ponytails and earrings, and the genders weren't immediately obvious. Most were wearing T-shirts, ripped bluejeans, and some even sandals with socks underneath. When reached for comment, Bob Palmer, CEO and President of Digital Equipment Corporation, was initially puzzled, not realizing there was a facility in Nashua. He quickly regained his composure, stating, "This is consistent with our corporate 1-3-9 strategy and shows our commitment to the customer and steadfast determination to achieve excellence in all that we do. These software people gave their lives for the company and our customers. I'm not sure what they were doing here in, er, Nashua, but I'm sure it was important work." When asked how the loss of so many bright software people would affect the company, he replied, "Although the company has shown year to year growth in margins and revenue, our expense in doing business has remained too high and uncompetitive, requiring continued belt-tightening and the occasional elimination of jobs. I certainly wouldn't want to encourage other software people at Digital to take their own lives (wink!), but I do appreciate the dedication of those who did to improve our bottom line this quarter. It shows our employees are best-in-class and why they're our most valuable resource." Reflecting further, Bob added, "This should have no effect on our strategic alliance with Microsoft Corporation. Although some of our people are in direct contact with individuals at Microsoft, I don't see any cause for concern. I'll be in touch with Mr. Gates immediately to ensure that his people are safe." Local software business in New Hampshire and Massachusetts do not seem to share Bob's optimism and positive outlook on the situation. One analyst said, "The local software companies, and there are a lot of them, depend on the steady stream of solid engineering talent leaving Digital. I don't know what they're going to do without this supply." At noontime on a weekday, the local pizza restaurant delivery vans are all empty. "I just don't know what we're going to do now," said one local merchant. But apparently it's not all gloom and doom in the New England area. A local 13-year-old boy seemed quite happy about the situation. "My response time over the internet is really fast now! I usually can't even get into the Pamela Anderson picture sites, but now I can download all the pictures I want!"