! X-NEWS: spcvxb news.groups: 18613 I Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.0 13.10.90 VAX/VMS V5.4; site spcvxb.spc.edu  Path: spcvxb.spc.edu!rutgers!usc!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!cis.ohio-state.edu!pacific.mps.ohio-state.edu!linac!att!cbfsb!cbnewsf.cb.att.com!forbes Newsgroups: news.groups + Subject: Usenet Olympics opening ceremonies 2 Message-ID: <1991Aug24.020145.14614@cbfsb.att.com>2 From: forbes@cbnewsf.cb.att.com (michael.s.forbes) Date: 24 Aug 91 02:01:45 GMT Sender: news@cbfsb.att.com$ Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories# Keywords: 1991 Usenet Olympic Games 
 Lines: 183  / The Usenet Sports Programming Network presents:   &     \\              \\              \\'    ////            ////            //// (   \\\\\\          \\\\\\          \\\\\\)  ////////        ////////        //////// < (________)      (________)      (________)          The 1991)  \      /   \\   \      /   \\   \      / J   \    /   ////   \    /   ////   \    /       Usenet Olympic Games       '    \  /   \\\\\\   \  /   \\\\\\   \  / &     ||   ////////   ||   ////////   ||&     ||  (________)  ||  (________)  ||&     ||   \      /   ||   \      /   ||&     ||    \    /    ||    \    /    ||            \  /            \  /              ||              ||             ||              ||             ||              ||             ||              ||  8 Brought to you by DuPont Chemical, the makers of napalm.  B [Title sequence:  Computer generated athlete-type graphics whiz byB as Olympic trumpet music blares in the background.  Fade slowly toA a camera shot of USPN studios; the announcer voice-over begins as  the studio lights come up:]   
 Don Pardo:> >USPN presents live coverage of the 1991 Usenet Olympic Games!A >We take you now to Bryant Gumbel at USPN Olympic Headquarters in  >Atlanta, Georgia.  B [Fade in to Bryant sitting at a desk, with an array of TV monitors= showing the Usenet Olympic logo (five flaming torches) in the  background.]   Bryant: > >Thank you, Don, and welcome to the 1991 Usenet Olympic Games.C >USPN is proud to present the ultimate pinnacle of net competition, > >and will be bringing you up-to-the-minute coverage of all the9 >major news and events as they happen, where they happen.  > B >Our staff of reporters and correspondents has been in preparationA >for several months, as have the competitors arriving here today. A >We have participants from over 78 newsgroups in the Olympics, in : >events ranging from synchronized flaming to the marathon. > ? >Our coverage will begin with the opening ceremonies, which are < >already in progress.  We take you now live to Wolf Blitzer,! >standing by at Spafford Stadium.   7 [Fade to a 'sky-cam' shot from high above the stadium.]    Wolf: B >Thanks, Bryant.  This is Wolf Blitzer, reporting to you live fromC >the opening ceremonies of the Usenet Olympic Games.  You're seeing ? >the stadium as it appears from the Usenet Blimp, hovering high @ >above the ceremonies, and as you can see most of the teams have >already entered the stadium.   < [Cut to Wolf Blitzer on the reviewing stand; he is wearing a% flak jacket and carrying a gas mask.]   A >We're looking forward to an exciting, event-driven Olympics here C >at Spafford Stadium, and you can feel the anticipation in the air. 1 >Now entering the stadium is the news.admin team:   C [A group of harried-looking sysadmins walks onto the track, circles A the stadium as quickly as possible, and takes its place among the 9 already assembled teams.  The audience applauds lightly.]    Wolf: C >News.admin isn't an energetic team, but they've got a lot of power B >in some of the voting events.  Ah, here comes the alt.flame team:  C [A band of angry-looking college freshmen carring blowtorches enter A and look around the stadium as if daring anyone to post anything. 0 After a tense interval, they settle into place.]   Wolf: A >As might be expected, alt.flame took home several gold medals in A >the track and flame events last year, and are expected to repeat A >that performance here at the 1991 games.  But there are a lot of C >loose cannons among the alt.flamers, and they tend to work against  >each other in the team sports.   A [Several tall, narrow lights appear on the playing field, and the C rec.arts.startrek team beams into the stadium.  The team is equally A divided between redshirt Security guards and Starfleet Admirals.]    Wolf: C >One of the biggest teams in the Usenet Olympics, rec.arts.startrek * >fields competitors in almost every event.   Bryant cuts in: B >Wolf, haven't there been reports of some bad blood between r.a.st >and one of the other groups?    Wolf: > >Yes there have, Bryant, and here comes the "other group" now:  @ [The rec.arts.sf-lovers team, brandishing everything from swords@ to lightsabers, enters the stadium.  Many of the r.a.st athletesB put their hands near their phasers, and the r.a.sf-l team responds# with glares and similar hostility.]    Wolf: B >You can see there's no love lost between these two teams, Bryant.B >After the fiasco at the Badwill Games, where an apparent r.a.sf-lC >gold medal in Group Reorganizing was wiped out by r.a.st protests, > >there's been nothing but hatred between these two newsgroups. > C >And that's the last of the teams entering the stadium.  Here comes B >the torch-bearer, preparing to light the five torches in the logo) >and officially open the Usenet Olympics:   A [Kent Paul Dolan enters, carrying a flamethrower set on "medium". A He jogs about a quarter of the distance around the track, holding ; the nozzle above his head, and then sees the r.a.st team: ]    Kent:  >YOU!  >You ruined 
 >my beautiful 	 >r.a.sf-l  >reorg!  >  >You're all  >a bunch of  >morons! >  >Take this!   A [Kent sets the flamethrower on "eat flaming death" and fires into > the r.a.st group, toasting several redshirts.  The r.a.st team? responds with phaser fire, temporarily stunning Kent; alt.flame 4 and r.a.sf-lovers immediately jump into the fray...]   Wolf: 8 >Um, it looks like we've got a commotion on the field...  C [Phasers, swords, lasers and fire lizards duke it out on the field, B as the r.a.sf assortment plows into r.a.st.  Again, several of the@ redshirted Security men are killed, but none of the Admirals areA even injured.  Players from rec.arts.drwho quietly begin stunning 6 some of the isolated players with sonic screwdrivers.]   Wolf [putting on his gas mask]: C >Bryant, it's pandemoneum here; I don't know how much longer we can  >stay on the air...   A [Mutant X-men rejects from rec.arts.comics begin fighting on both C sides, and the alt.flamers start torching each other.  A news.admin ? player quietly begins typing on a nearby portable computer, and * the rec.arts.startrek.info team vanishes!]   Kent [recovering]: >You haven't
 >heard the >last of me!  C [Suddenly a bronze dragon appears in the air above the stadium, and C begins chewing firestone from its rider's pouch.  Simultaneously, a A Klingon Bird of Prey uncloaks and locks on the nearest target...]    Wolf: ' >We're out of here!  [goes off the air]   B [The camera returns to the USPN studios.  Scenes of great violence7 and carnage are visible on the monitors behind Bryant.]    Bryant: A >Once again, violence has disrupted the opening ceremonies of the C >Usenet Olympic Games.  This marks the third straight year that the @ >games have been marred by pre- and post-event flaming, but it's1 >the first time anything has happened this early.  > B >We'll continue our coverage of the 1991 Usenet Olympic Games with> >the opening track and flame events, the Rambling Post and theB >Controversial Topic.  Stay tuned to USBN for exclusive interviews: >and more excitement as we cover the 1991 Usenet Olympics.   [To be continued...]