 b : 21 Nov 87 Steven E Harari <EN4.SE-HARARI@CU20D.COLUMBIA.ED U> smile... it's good for you!  --18034 chars; More?--b 9 20 Nov 87 a.Jiml@GSB-WHY.Stanford.EDU@mit-ccc, Re: Cobol   to C translator wanted --547 chars; More?--f ; 21 Nov 87 Steven E Harari <EN4.SE-HARARI@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU  >  smile... it's good for you!  --18034 chars; More?--    Entering digest ...     
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     7 Here's some stuff I downloaded off of a local BBoard...   # From the SUNY BBS at (516)-231-0343    , These files were contributed by Paul Howard.   8 ------The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes------   = Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? 7 A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four $         to relate to the experience.   = Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? ? A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the C          Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.    > Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A1:None of your damn business!* A2:50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract.   6 Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?@ A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.   A Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?  
 	 A: Three: 4         One to write the light bulb removal program,;         One to write the light bulb insertaion program, and  
 P         One to act as a light bulb administratbody else tries tow man ke ge a li ght     bulb? A: Both of them.   > Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?8 A: Two: One th change the bulb and one not to change it.>         Note: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The@                 true Zen answer is four. One to change the bulb.   > Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions.    ? Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how $         good the old light bulb was.   < Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?B A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub,         with brightly colored machine tools.   ; Q: How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb? 9 A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!    : Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?6 A: Three to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb2         installation specialiscahangea light bulb?5 A: None, the bulb will change itsef when it is ready.    D Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?  A: You can unscrew a light bulb.   9 Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? @ A: Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to=         dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.    : Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? 
 D A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001,A         Multitasking Incadescent Source System Facility, of which A         10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left D         blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ------B         consists of sequences of non-blank characters seperated by         blanks".   E Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? : A: None. They will never find one thaed as brightly as the 
          first one.   P Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulbd the other to ske tochang e a light bulb? 8 A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.   A Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light  
 
         bulb? B A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to         shoot the witness.   > Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?; A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.    < Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?# A: None. That's a hardware problem.    ; Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? 3 A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.    > Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a         light bulb? @ A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on         payment of license fee.    ? Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lighb? A A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get          it done.   P Q: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bufraid of the dareal omen& " does it take to change a light bulb?@ A: None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to          do it.? Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? B A: None. ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...")   7 Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? 3 A: Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside)    8 Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?= A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes          on strike!   8 Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?< A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a 
          hot tub.   ; Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.    ? Q: How manyals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?  
 ? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild  D         civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.    Q: How many med  light bulb? A:ull the ladder out from          under him.   ; Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? ! A: Three, but they're really one.    9 Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? 0 A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.   : Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's not funny!   > Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?D A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.   ; Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in          a light bulb? > A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would         screw itself in.   < Q: How many <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb?5 A: 10: One to hold the bulb and nine tate the ladder.    C Q: How many strong <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb? 9 A: 115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.    @ Q: How many <ethnic> gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?P A: Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotateopFive: A Black, a Jew, two  women, and a cripple...    7 Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?  A: None. It turned itself in.    B Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?C A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do 3         with the old one for the next 10,000 years.    8 Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford?    A Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb? @ A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!   ; Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?  
 > A: Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how mucher         it is than with a man.   A Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? * A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.   D Q: How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?, A: Sorry, that item was cut from the budget!   ; Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb?    0 Q: How many -third less than for a regular bulb.   @ Q: How many Jeiish-American Pricesses does it take to screw in a         light bulb? 0 A: Two: One to get a Tab, and one to call Daddy.   > Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?, A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?   ; Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb? C A: Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder.    ? Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb? : A: 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.   > Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a libulb?C A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give (         it a suprising twist at the end.   B Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?; A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light >         bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of@         subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity         reaching out t Q: How many junks its dark?    < Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?4 A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.   = Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb? 4 A: 50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him.   A Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take          to change a light bulb? ? A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy B         dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascistE         dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask,  
 >         masquerades e dictator long enough for Barney to sneakG         up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, D         remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-C         high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has F         driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin'sB         real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck,;         drive to the airfield, and : How many technic bulb? @ A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how         to do it.    E Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace          a light bulb?  A: Many hands make light work.   C Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb? E A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around          him.             HaHa > Suny Joke Board < HaHa     A>bort C>all Dave for a chat  G>oodbye L>eave messages  R>ead messages S>can messages 1>Light Bulb Jokes 2>Some jokes to read      
 Command> 2      " Type P to Pause, S to Stop listing   2 These jokes contributed to Suny BBS by Paul Howard   8  I was  walking along and saw this guy who was extremely=  well built,  6'  tall,  broad  shoulders,  great  tan, etc., =  wearing an  expensive outfit  but he  had this  tiny head. I =  could not help from staring. Well this guy saw me  and asked =  me what  I was  looking at. I apologized and said that I saw P  such a handsome man but couldn't help staringy   disressed and said he would te ll me how it hapened. =       The man explained that he found a brass  lamp washed up =  on the shore of Drakes beach last week and kidding around he =  rubbed the lamp. Can you believe there was  a real  genie in =  that lamp.  She was  beautiful! She said she would grant him =  three wishes. His first wish was for all the money  he would =  ever need. And she gave him money beyond his wildest dreams. =  His next wish was for good  health and  a healthy  body. She 7  gave  him  a  wondephysique. He was feeling great. She =  asked him for his  last wish.  What else  could he  wish for =  from this  beautiful Genie? What else could make his day any 3  better? So he asked her "How about a little head?"    > --------------------------------------------------------------  ... Exiting digest H 24 Nov 87 S Thomas McCormick <EN5.S-MCCORMICK@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU>, funny --1061 chars; More?-    Entering digest ...     
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  From Mike Taylor:   @     "If computers are the wave of the future, then displays are ?     the surfboards." --- Ted Nelson (according to Andy Van Dam)   2 --------------------------------------------------   24 Nov 87 --6681 chars; More?--      
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 4             IDAHO GROUP ORGANIZES TO SERVICE WIDOWS.>                                            --- Idaho Statesman  /                 EXPLODING COMMODE FLOODS POLAND 7         A toilet pipe that blew up "like a fire hydrant 9         shot ankle-deep water across the seventh floor of *         Poland Hall at about 9 last night.C                                         --- College Heights Herald, >                                             Bowling Green, Ky.  ?         Perhaps the cruelest tragedy in the death yesterday of  =         James E. Dever is that had it happened a few minutes  '         later, he might still be alive. B                                          --- Chester County, Pa., =                                              Daily Local News   1            WATT SAYS ENVIRONMENTALISTS LIKE NAZIS D                                                    --- The Oregonian  5                    SHARON TO PRESS HIS SUIT IN ISRAEL E                                                    --- East Oregonian   7                 NEW LAW HAS CHP OFFICER JUMPING FOR JOY H         Lieutentant Who Lost Legs Is Exempted From Physical Agility TestI                                      --- Los Angeles Times, first edition   7                 NEW LAW IS LEAP FORWARD FOR CHP OFFICER H         Lieutentant Who Lost Legs Is Exempted From Physical Agility TestJ                                      --- Los Angeles Times, second edition    4                    CAUSE OF AIDS FOUND -- SCIENTISTSE                                                  --- Sacramento Union   @         CORRECTION  The Jumble puzzle, which appears on page D1 A         of Thursday's edition, actually was the puzzle scheduled  D         to appear today.  The Jumble originally scheduled to appear E         Thursday as well as the answers to Wednesday's puzzle are on  @         page E1 today.  The answers to the the puzzle published ?         today appeared Thursday, and the answers to the puzzle  0         published Thursday will appear Saturday.C                                                --- Arizona Republic   F                REVIEW DEFINTION OF DEATH, BODY ADVISES                B                                                    --- Japan Times  ;            She said the man sat on the benches in only his  <            boxer shorts for about five minutes, and exposed ?            himself.  "It wasn't long, but it was long enough,"              Mrs. Mankin said.C                                     --- Easton, Md., Star-Deomocrat   *                 MORE DOGS BRING COMPLAINTSF                                --- Martinsburg, W.Va., Evening Journal  ,                    KONTAKIS  IS FOUND GUILTY+                     OF MURDERING WIFE AFTER )                        BRIEF DELIBERATION @                                       --- Somerst, NJ, Spectator  +                    DOWNTOWN HOGS GRANT CASH =                                           --- Chicago Tribune   ,                 MAN MINUS EAR WAIVES HEARINGA                                           --- Jackson, Tenn., Sun   -                 POLICE KILL MAN WITH TV TUNER G                                    --- Oceanside, Calif., Blade-Tribune   A            There is something more boring than baseball... Ellen  '            Goodman's column, Page A-11. E                                        --- Roanoke Times & World-News   5                    HALF OF U.S. HIGH SCHOOLS REQUIRE  0                        SOME STUDY FOR GRADUATIONF                                                  --- Los Angeles Times  6            "NAGGING" WIFE CRITICAL AFTER HAMMER ATTACKB                                                  --- Trenton Times  F         BLIND WOMANS GETS NEW KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN YEARSD                                                  --- Alabama Journal  <            SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE, BUT DEATH CUTS EFFICIENCY@                                            --- Belleville, Ill.,<                                                News-Democrat  -                    CANDADIAN ECONOMIST FEELS  ,                    RATES HAVE HIT THERE PEAKD                                    --- Calgary Herald, first edition  -                    CANDADIAN ECONOMIST FEELS A,                    RATES HAVE HIT THIER PEAKE                                    --- Calgary Herald, second editionD  G         THE NEW BRITISH LIBRARY -- SITING COMFORTABLY ON ENLARGED PILESND                                                    --- New Scientist  5                    BUNDY BEATS LATEST DATE WITH CHAIR B                                                    --- Denver Post  +                        ITALIAN GUNMEN SHOOT2,                        TYPSETTER BY MISKTAKED                                            --- Philadelphia Inquirer  0                    APARMENT OWNERS WHIPPING BOYSF                                    --- Kitchner-Waterloo, Ont., Record    6                    WHITE HOUSE KILLS FUND RAISER AFTER1                          COMPLAINTS ABOUT TACTICS F                                                            --- Newsday  .                             MORE BAD MUSHROOMS<                 New Britain, Conn. (AP) -- Five more persons?                 were charged Wednesday in the musrooming inves-Y?                 tigation of alleged corruption in New Britain'se7                 city government, state police reported.c;                                         --- Greenwich Timese    ?               Stop smoking or, if practical, switch to another n#               birth control method.gD                                         --- Lewiston, Me., Daily Sun  4                    BRITISH AIDE SAYS ALL INMATES TO -                    GAIN NOW THAT FAST IS OVERB@                                            ---  Hartford Courant  K    RESIDENTS WERE SHOCKED EACH TIME THEIR NEIGHBORDS WENT ON A MURDER SPREE J                                                 --- San Franciso Chronicle    6            HIS HUMMING REAR END IS A MAJOR DISTRACTION;                                            --- Toronto Starl  -                JERK INJURES NECK, WINDS AWARDs;                                            --- Buffalo Newsg  H     "Medical Ethics are the choices we make based on our value system orK     moral considerations in the field of medicine.  The symposium will help:H     people develop principles to make decisions.  One example is youh inK     Asia.  You have got the choice of letting a person live on a machine oro$     pulling the plug.  What's right??                                         --- South Dakota State o@                                             University Collegian  " ----------------------------------  ... Exiting digesteH  1 Dec 87 S Thomas McCormick <EN5.S-MCCORMICK@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU>, luagh --4317 chars; More?--s     
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e    8                 The Inside Story of How Turkey Day Began  -                                 by Dave Barry   A         [ Reprinted from the Boston Sunday Globe, Nov. 22, 1987 ]w    I Once again, it is almost Thanksgiving, the time of year when we go to theyN shopping mall of our choice in memory of the Pilgrims, a hardy band of men andJ women who set out from England in their frail ship, the Frail Ship III, inM search of a place where they could exercise their constitutional right to settJ suspected witches on fire.  It was a very difficult voyage - at times theyN thought they would never reach the New World - but finally, one morning, afterJ 18 weeks at sea, the fog lifted and the lookout shouted the fateful words:& "Hey!  We forgot to put up the sails!"  M Several hours later, they arrived in New England, and, although their luggage L had been checked through to the Pacific Northwest, they were able to surviveM that first rugged winter, thanks to the help of a friendly Indian, Tonto, whoeL showed them how to throw tea into the harbor.  When a year had gone by, theyI celebrated by having a big dinner and inviting the Indians over to sign atM treaty under which the Pilgrims got Massachusetts, Connecticut, Rhode Island,tK Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, New York, Pennsylvania, New Jersey and Ohio,r) and the Indians got bacterial infections.g  K Today we celebrate these events by watching the Detroit Lions on televisionmM and eating the traditional ludicrous Thanksgiving meal, which consists of 142yK mutant food items that exist only on Thanksgiving, such as yams glazed witheK Rice Crispies and Cool Whip, served in 142 individual 12-pound Corning Ware J containers, far more than will fit simultaneously on the table, so we mustJ constantly pass them back and forth to each other, keeping a third of themF airborne for the entire 2-hour meal, similar to the system used by the+ Strategic Air Command for tactical bombers.t  K The piece de resistance of the Thanksgiving meal has traditionally been thegE turkey, although in recent years, more and more upwardly-mobile urbantO professionals are switching to the ostrich, a bird that combines the advantagesbM of weighing 350 pounds with the advantages of being able to kill a man with aHO single kick.  As Buster Webster, president of the American Ostrich Council, putlN it in a recent interview: "Just the drumstick from a mature bird like Rex here- could feed a family of six for AAACCKKK ... "t  J Whatever kind of poultry you choose, you'll want to serve it with stuffing prepared the traditional way.S  $         Traditional stuffing recipe:!         Ingredients:  No oysters.uI         To Prepare:  Prepare stuffing in bowl.  Do not put oysters in it.n         Serve without oysters.  L The secret to this recipe is that is does not contain any oysters, which areK phlegm-like sea creatures that spend their entire lives eating wharf slime.oM And, yet, sometimes you will attend a Thanksgiving dinner - this has happened.N to me - where the cook will deliberately put these organisms into the stuffingO and then give it to you to eat.  If this ever happens to you, my advise is thatuO you claim you have a routine dental appointment and leave immediately, because,u5 for all you know, there will be leeches in the aspic.   N But good food is not the real purpose of Thanksgiving;  the real purpose is toK get together with all those Loved Ones whom we rarely see, even though theynM live just a half-hour away, because we hate them.  Hosting one of these large M family "get-togethers" can be an awful lot of work.  So, if it's your turn tonL have "the whole gang" over to your house this year, here's a little tip thatD can make things go a lot more smoothly:  Claim you have lung flukes.  H Lung flukes are organisms that I found out about recently while browsingK through the parasites section of the Encyclopedia Britannica, and, althoughhM they are not usually considered a Friend to Man, they can help to drasticallyeL reduce the turnout at your Thanksgiving dinner.  A day or two ahead of time,O call up all your Loved Ones and say: "Hello, Alice?  Listen, I want you to knoweM that (cough) I'm still expecting you all here for (cough cough) Thanksgiving,wN and the doctor says there's nothing to worry about concerning the (cough coughN cough) lung flukes unless I (cough cough cough cough cough cough) cough on the food."   -------aA  2 Dec 87 bostic%okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU@ucbvax.Berkeley.EDU@mit-ccc  The Wombat and Society --1496 chars; More?--o     
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e5 Reference: "Dial-A-Wombat leaves police 'up a tree'", = *Newcastle Morning Herald*, WSW Australia, p. 1, 27 Aug 1980.m  ; First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and evenr@ Dial-A-Footballer. But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has, produced one to top them all. Dial-A-Wombat.  8 It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a? telephone call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, bute? there's a wombat in the phone booth outside the town hall," the  caller said.  B Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members> of the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.  B But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.  C The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw itsn? bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in ad
 nearby scrub.y  @ Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in another phone booth.  B There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.  ? The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody4# and released it, too, in the scrub.d  B But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another< telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.t  ; After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found aH= suspect, and after questioning, released him to be charged on  summons.  @ Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in telephone booths.    K  2 Dec 87 S Thomas McCormick <EN5.S-MCCORMICK@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU>, tomatoesa --5174 chars; More?--i     
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:    <         Attack of the Speeding Tomatoes or, Pass the Ketchup  -                                 by Dave Barrya  A         [ Reprinted from the Boston Sunday Globe, Nov. 29, 1987 ]t    M Today's News Update consists of three items that I am not making up, starting  with:H  &         o  The World's Fastest Tomato.  M As some of you may recall, I have been participating in an ongoing scientificrM project to set a world speed record for a tomato thrown by a jai-alai player.rK This project is being conducted at the prestigious Dania Jai-alai InstituterG of Dania, Fla., which used to bill itself as "The Tomato Capital of theBI World," which is how the publicity director, Steve Bourie, motivated by agH sincere desire to get publicity, developed the idea of having one of theL players get into the Guinness Book of World Records for throwing the World's Fastest Tomato.u  J He asked me to be the Objective Media Observer who stands behind a plasticF shield and times the oncoming tomato with a radar gun, and I agreed, a! decision that puzzled my friends.   K "Dave," they said, in unison, "you are blessed with a good job and a loving J family and a dog who is finally getting over the habit of rolling in filthL and then trying to climb into bed with you:  why would you risk death at the hands of a salad ingredient?"o  D And I answered:  "Why?  I'll tell you why.  For the same reason thatG Christopher Columbus, nearly 500 years ago, set off across the vast andB unknown ocean:  stupidity."l  J Which is how I found myself crouching against a wall in the Dania Jai-alaiK parking lot, protected only by an inadequate-looking transparent shield andPL easily breaking all existing North American records for armpit wetness whileH a professional jai-alai player named Charles "Chaz" Brower, who, I wouldL estimate, is 9 feet 7 inches tall, hurled greenish tomatoes ("You don't wantL them too ripe," he said to a local TV news crew) at me from close range with all his strength.   N It is not easy, even for a professional, to control the direction of tomatoes;J sometimes they would sail completely over the building, and sometimes theyK would hit the wall next to me at breathtaking speeds, exploding into cloudsaH of tomato shrapnel.  Also, the first time we tried this experiment, lastG spring, we couldn't get the tomatoes to show up on the radar gun.  But,pK recently, we tried again, and I am pleased to report that we got a definitet, reading of - get ready - 103 miles per hour.  J Probably you want to know what a tomato looks like, coming straight at youJ at that speed.  I have no idea.  My eyes were closed.  But I do know this:K All of us, as Americans, have reason to be proud of this achievement.  Next I summer, during the Olympics, if the Communists are rejoicing because they I won the gold medal in some weenie event like the uneven parallel bars, we-K can lean forward in our reclining chairs and say to our television screens, I with scorn in our voices:  "Oh yeah?  Name one single vegetable where yous have a world speed record.".  G Ha ha!  That should shut them up!  Although I hear the East Germans are * making tremendous progress with rutabagas.   Our next news item is:  *         o  New Jersey Man Shoots Computer.  J An alert reader named Bob Ingraham sent me a news article from The Echoes-K Sentinel in Somerset County, N.J., which states that a man named Michael A. I Case was arrested at home after firing eight bullets from his .44-caliberDF revolver into his IBM personal home computer.  These were not just anyJ bullets, either:  These were your hollow-point "dumdum" bullets, which, asG you sportsmen know, give you the kind of "stopping power" you need when-I you're up against a product backed by the world's leading manufacturer ofl data-processing equipment.  K Lt. Donald Van Tassell of the Passaic Township police told me that Case wasiM not very specific about his motive:  "He said he just got mad at his computer M and he opened up on it."  I was unable to reach Case, but I want to state, on I behalf of all the computer users in the world, that we are behind him oneSJ million percent.  If we have reached the point in this country where a manL does not have the right to bear arms against his own computer, then we mightM just as well pour New Improved Liquid Drano on the US Constitution.  Although , at this point it hardly matters, because the  5         o  Earth Is Threatened By Termite Flatulence.   H I found out about this from Claire Martin, a Denver Post reporter on theI Cutting Edge of journalism.  She located a scientist named Pat Zimmerman,HG who - I swear I am not making this up - has traveled all over the worldgD measuring termite flatulence, and has concluded that termites may beG responsible for half of the methane gas in the atmosphere, and that theSI rate of termite emissions is increasing so rapidly that they could change K the Earth's climate, and we're all going to die.  (He didn't actually stateTH that last part.  That was my conclusion.)  So, I am urging all of you toI proceed with whatever emergency procedures your state or local governmentlK has established for Termite Flatulence Alert situations.  Me, I am going ton+ try to get this tomato crud out of my hair.o   -------d<  8 Dec 87 Steven E Harari <EN4.SE-HARARI@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU> Life & Lollipops...S --56 chars; More?--      
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 , Where did George Washington keep his armies? ------- <  8 Dec 87 Steven E Harari <EN4.SE-HARARI@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU> More Life, But No Lollipops... --32 chars; More?---     
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m   In His Sleevies!!! -------aG  8 Dec 87 S Thomas McCormick <EN5.S-MCCORMICK@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU>, Xmase --5240 chars; More?--      
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h    @                 Holiday Joy - Or, the Great Parking Lot Skirmish  -                                 by Dave Barry   @         [ Reprinted from the Boston Sunday Globe, Dec. 6, 1987 ]    N Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very specialF time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-oldP traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall.  We traditionallyM do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper N emerge from the mall.  Then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as theP Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.  N We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to let theN other circling cars know that she belongs to us.  Sometimes, two cars will getM into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way great white N sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler.  So, we follow our shopperM closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning to Look aTK Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car, which isAL usually parked several time zones away from the mall.  Sometimes our shopperO tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and go backAN to shopping.  But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion and seesD the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.  O And, so, we park and clamber joyously out of our car through the windows, which-N is necessary because the crack Mall Parking Space Size Reduction Team has beenI at work again.  They get out there almost every night and redo the entireSP parking lot, each time making the spaces smaller, until finally, they are using,J say, a Jell-O box to mark the width between lines.  "Let's see them fit inN THERE," they say, laughing, because they know we will try.  They know that, ifL necessary, we will pull into the parking space balanced on our two left-sideI wheels, like professional stunt drivers, because we are holiday shoppers.N  O I do not mean to suggest that the true meaning of the holiday season is finding O a parking space.  No, the true meaning of the holiday season is finding a salesIN clerk.  The way to do this is, look around the store for one of these unmarkedM doors, then burst through it without warning.  There, you will find dozens ofAM clerks sitting on the floor, rocking back and forth and whimpering from weeksaN of exposure to the holiday environment.  Of course, as soon as they see you, aJ shopper, they will bolt for the window.  This is why you must carry a tape	 recorder.   M "Hold it!" you shout, freezing them in their tracks.  "I have a tape recorderRN here, and unless somebody lets me make my holiday purchases, I'm going to play 'Frosty the Snowman.'"  P Cruel?  Inhuman?  Perhaps.  But you have no choice.  Because this is the holidayP season, and you have to buy thoughtful gifts for all of your Loved Ones, or they2 will hate you.  Here are some helpful suggestions:   Gifts for children:o  P To find out what children want this year, I naturally called up the headquartersK of the Toys Backward "R" Us Corporation, which, as you parents know, is now O larger than the Soviet Union.  I talked to a spokeswoman, who told me that lastSN year the corporation's net sales were $2.4 billion.  (I assume she meant in my immediate neighborhood.)  P The spokeswoman told me that one of the hot toys for boys this year, once again,O is the G.I. Joe action figure and "accessories," which is the toy-industry codeSN word for "guns," as in:  "Don't nobody move!  I got an accessory!"  The littleP boy on your list can have hours of carefree childhood fun with his G.I. Joe set,P engaging in realistic armed-forces adventures such as having G.I. Joe explain toI little balding congressional committee figures how come he had to use hisn# optional Action Shredder accessory.p  N Another hot item is Captain Power and the Soldiers of the Future, a toy systemK that - here is a coincidence for you - is featured on a Saturday-morning TV P show.  The heart of this system is an electronic accessory that the child shootsG at the TV screen to actually kill members of the Bio Dread Empire.  The E spokeswoman did not say whether it also would work on Geraldo Rivera.h  L For little girls, the toy industry is once again going way out on a limb andN offering a vast array of dolls.  The big news this year, however, is that manyN of these dolls have computer chips inside them, so they can do the same thingsO that a real baby would do if it had a computer chip inside it.  Some dolls eventO respond according to the time of day.  In the morning, they say:  "I'm hungry!"PN In the evening, they say:  "I'm sleepy!"  And late at night, when the house isO dark and quiet, they whisper into the child's ear:  "I think I hear Mr. Eyeballo Plucker in the closet again!"p   Gifts for grownups:   N I don't want to get too corny here, but I think the nicest gift you can give aL grownup, especially one you really care about, is not something you buy in aO store.  In fact, it costs nothing, yet it is a very precious gift, and one that"9 only you can give.  I'm talking about your parking space.a   -------i=  8 Dec 87 Chris M Mauritz <EN4.CM-MAURITZ@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU>t Ghost from the past...:-)h --8831 chars; More?--      
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h(  6-May-87 02:37:31-EDT,8779;0000000000008 Mail-From: EN4.WC-TOPOLSKI created at  6-May-87 02:37:28 Date: Wed 6 May 87 02:37:28-EDT 2 From: Chester <EN4.WC-TOPOLSKI@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU> Subject: True equality% To: BBOARD.OPINION@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDUn  .  226 Norman Ave., #3            .  Brooklyn, N.Y.                .  11222-3605          n? Message-ID: <12300130980.20.EN4.WC-TOPOLSKI@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU>c   Chris:J      Personnal attacks will get you nowhere.  I figured you'd have learnedK something after being victimized yourself, but apparently you're too dense.mK      I'm talking about large nationalisation of private capital.  By that InM mean government takeover of all businesses with assets in excess of 5 millionoJ and confiscation of private liquid property (shares, money, etc) in excessL of say $100,000 per one adult.  Frozen assests such as homes could similarlyJ be either rented from the government if excessive in price or given to the& concerned party to be held in trust.  J      Something as radical as this will not happen overnight.  Yet it must H happen if the "rich" are to survive beyond the next 150 years or so.  InJ France it's already happening though the pace is dissapointingly small. It7 will happen in the US, people like you notwithstanding.m      Let me tell you why:sJ 1) Rich people did not "earn" that money.  Nobody can "earn" over $100,000G per year. They've just been able to use their influence to extract morel money from the middle class.N 2) The distribution of wealth is totally unfair.  The President makes $200,000L per year plus bonuses.  The Chairman of General Motors makes $10,000,000 per? year.  Is that fair?  What kind of a message is being sent out?eN 3) The rich do not need all that money.  They simply reinvest it to make more.L They do not contribute to the nation's growth or innovation.  There are overO 10 MILLION AMERICANS who're starving.  I feel that they have a legitimate need.oG 4) The upward mobility of the people in the US today is almost totally pJ non-existant.  About the only chance to "strike it rich" is to play Lotto.H 5) The rich do not have any sacred right to the money.  While they were I hoarding their ill gotten gains the poor were workin too.  Why then don'tvM they have all that dough?  Because they weren't getting paid as much, weren't N in the United states at the time or lost family members to imperialistic wars.K 6) The rich are using money to control politics.  It takes about 10 millioneL dollors to RUN for president.  Limits the choice a bit much don't you think?J 7) Regarding point #5...  There is no such thing as putting value on humanG labor.  I know many people who sweat all day and only get paid $5/hr.  tM Compare this to a stockbroker who invests stocks and makes $500,000 per year.eH Did he earn that money?  I think not.  Society is controled by the rich.K It rewards the rich.  There's no way to break free from this viscious cycleoH except through political agitation and the formation of a workers party.H 8) I could go on... but I don't feel that it will do you much good.  YouD obviously want to inherit megabucks so as to get a headstart on the I competition.  In fact you already got that head start.  I wonder if you'doG be at Columbia if your parents were making only $4.50/hr?  Human miseryr does not bother you.  Oh well.N    However the reality of the Socialist phnomena does bother many capitalists.J They recall the early 1900's when America was turning red.  That time willK come again, and it will come soon.  To forestall that event these guys have K instituted the concept of financial aid to appease the masses.  That's why rJ I'm here.  But I remember where I come from.  What I dispise is the rulingI class' attempts at splitting the poor.  Ultimately though that will fail.a9    Now to amuse myself I shall look at your posts...  :-)m  L >Why don't all us rich folks just donate all are money to charity and starve
 >for a while?lH Good idea.  When the Soviets seized power in 1917 they weren't even that generous with the parasites.  : >Would that please you, Chester?  You are full of it, man.K 10 million Americans are starving because of these self-same innocent rich. N 10 million are unemployed.  Another 6 million have been unemployed for so longJ they're not even counted.  Prostitution is rampant.  Drugs.  Need I go on?  , >My family got what they had by earning it. K Are you suggesting my family didn't work, you twerp?  My native country waseL torn apart by imperialist slime.  Whatever my ancestors build was destroyed.N Finally Hitler finished off 20% of the populace.  Do you know what that means?G The goods that are there now are recent.  America on the other hand hastI been exploiting other countries.  It's hard to give things back isn't it?,  N > When my grandparents came here from Hungary in 1910, they were fucking poor,J But they came here.  They were admitted primarily because they were white.M They were given jobs.  Many recent immigrants don't have those opportunities.aM It's harder to survive let alone get wealthy.  You can afford to be generous.<H Many can't.  Besides---as Christ put it, it will make your way to heaven3 that much easier if you part with your purse... :-)   M > but through their hard work and the hard work of succeeding generations, my ) > family has accumulated a bit of wealth.oJ How much wealth?  If under $100,000/person than fine keep it.  But in thatD case why defend the megarich exploiters.  If over that amount I can  understand why I upset you.l  O >Everyone has the opportunity to earn this wealth and I'm not about to let somed) >socialist asshole like you take it away.lM Not everyone has the same opportunity.  Blacks for instance on the average dotK not.  Or Chicanos.  Of course you won't "let socialists" take it away.  ButB* you'll be forced to sooner than you think.  G >I'm sick of the "have-nots" bitching at the "have's" beacause they ared >fucking jealous. N I'm not jealous.  I do not covet the money.  I just feel that it can be better: used elsewhere.  Many socialists have been "haves", idiot.  + > Use your education and get a Goddamn job!hK I will.  And I will use that job to spread socialism.  You see an idea is anJ hard thing to kill even with all the money that the rich have been pouringB into discrediting the left and harrasing them via the FBI and CIA.  @ >  Moaning and groaning about how poor you are when you have theJ >opportunity to change your plight is just plain stupid.  Stop whining and	 >grow up! L I refuse toi be rich when fellow human beings are starving.  I'll bitch tillI that comes to an end.  Frankly you should thank God that all I'm doing is:	 bitching..    >Chris (capitalist till the end) Not much longer than...   H >You are such a self-serving hypocrite (spelling?).  You bitch about theI >disparity between the rich and the poor, but you choose to do nothing too >help yourself.wH But I am doing something.  I'm getting an education and sowing the seedsF of change.  Frightens you doesn't it?  Last place you expected to findF a socialist was an engineering school, no?  Just because I didn't likeE the CBSC you thought I was safe, huh?  But when I showed my teeth youe slunk away like a cur...  I >You are going to forsake a high paying job as an engineer to protest the  > "evils" of society.lH High paying?  HAHAHHA.  And no I'm not going to forsake the job.  I feelG I can do much good by keeping it.  The measly money will come in handy. D You see, I really believe that my enginnering will help all mankind.0 It's unfortunate that I'm a rare breed nowadays.  < >Why did you bother getting and engineering education in the >first place? L To help the poor and all mankind.  I was gifted in that field.  To each his  own.  : > If the plight of the poor was one of your main concerns,> >why didn't you become a social worker or something like that?= Because I wanted them to see that a Socialist can be anybody.s   >You are so inconsistent! E I'm not perfect.  But at least I feel that I'm doing the right thing.,   Willi:& >"DON'T BE SELFISH , GIVE IT TO ME ! "? >                    ANCIENT MOTTO OF LITTLE KIDS AND LEFTISTS yN Yeah... the Soviet leadership has $1 million between all 100 of them.  Really. I xpected better.t   Jerry,D Bravo for speaking your mind.  Don't try to play it safe like Chris.   Ed,a> >so I have learned how to tell what he means behind his words.
 Not always...   F >The point is that everyone does get the amount that was initially de- >termined from the FAF.  Bull.J  J >It works the same way for scholarships that can only be given to students >with high GPA's.  f Double bull.  N I won't argue over it Ed 'cause it's late.  But financial aid leaves something to be desired.  M                                                                       Chestere -------k -------tA 10 Dec 87 S Thomas McCormick <EN5.S-MCCORMICK@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU>  Presidential campaignu --4685 chars; More?--e     
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m  9                      BARRY BARES IT ALL ON CAMPAIGN TRAIL                        -                                 by Dave Barrye              My fellow Americans:       A       Since that unforgettable day back in April or possibly July G       when I announced that I was willing to be president of the UnitedS>       States, a number of alarming developments have occurred:       A       o The stock market crash has reverberated around the world,,B       setting off a frightening and seemingly uncontrollable chain,       reaction of boring newspaper articles.       3       o Geraldo Rivera got his own television show.B       A       o President Reagan has taken to appointing people virtuallyeB       at random to the US Supreme Court, an indication that he hasD       lapsed still further into what we like to call his "hands-off"D       management style, to the point where his aides no longer trustE       him to make any statements that he thought up himself. In fact, A       at the most recent presidential press conference, the aidesiE       actually brought a helicopter INSIDE the White house press roomw?       to drown out the president by going WHOPPA WHOPPA WHOPPA.t       G       Not that I am criticizing him, I am not criticizing anybody these H       days, because I realize that, as a leading presidential contender,B       I will be subjected to intense media scrutiny into the luridC       details of my own personal life. And please don't try to tellrE       me that you don't want to know the lurid details of my personalsB       life, OK? Don't tell me that you wish the darned media wouldD       for gosh sakes Focus on the Issues. Because I have been aroundC       the news game long enough to know what people really want the A       media to focus on. People don't come into their offices and-E       say to their co-workers: "Hey! Did you see the story explaininghE       where the Republican presidential contenders stand on the issue D       of tuition tax credits?" No, what people say is: "Hey! Did youD       read where Pierre S. du Pont IV was once arrested for stealing       a brassiere?"n       H       EDITOR'S NOTE: The preceding was intended as a purely hypotheticalB       example of the kind of lurid detail that people like to readB       about. We wish to stress that, to the best of our knowledge,C       Mr. du Pont has never been arrested for stealing a brassiere.h3       As far as we know, he got clean away with it.i       F       The result of this intense media scrutiny is that the candidatesC       have been scurrying around disclosing things about themselveseA       before the press finds out about them. This has resulted ini/       some very inspirational campaign oratory:t       D       MASTER OF CEREMONIES: Ladies and gentlemen, the next president       of the United States!l              CROWD: (applause)o       0       candidate: THANK YOU! I USED TO SMOKE POT!              CROWD: (applause)'       D       A number of leading political figures, including "Tipper" GoreE       (ha ha!), have admitted that they used marijuana, although they D       all stress that (1) it was a long time ago and (2) they deeplyC       regret it. This second part is very important, because as the F       former hippie generation gradually takes over the world, it willF       become very difficult to find any politician who didn't at leastH       TRY marijuana, so the candidates will have to compete on the basis        of who liked it the least:       !       BRUCE BABBITT FOR PRESIDENTg       "He Only Had Four Tokes"       	       Or:o              VOTE FOR ALBERT GORE!       "He Tried It, But Threw Up"i       F       As a leading contender, I realize that I must "come clean" aboutA       my own past, before some nosy reporter locates the skeletoneH       in my closet and lets the cat out of the apple cart, thus spillingE       the beans all over the can of worms that will break the camel'svI       back. So here is my confession: Back in the 1970's, I did something A       that I am now very, very ashamed of. The only explanation IoB       can offer is that a lot of other people were doing it at theA       time, although I realized this does not justify what I did.aB       I am talking about: disco dancing. I deeply regret this, andC       I swear that I now have much more integrity. I hope that you, D       the voters, will find it in your hearts to forgive me and sendA       me large cash contributions in exchange for being appointedhA       to high-level federal jobs. We still have a few openings int       the Cabinet.       B       << From the Billings Gazette, Billings, Montana, 11/29/87 >>   -------aN 10 Dec 87 S Thomas McCormick <EN5.S-MCCORMICK@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU>, twelve days --7105 chars; More?--o     
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h    /      [ To get you into the Christmas spirit...]a   ^L5                                 Miss Agnes McHolsteiny.                                 69 Cash Avenue7                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado   0                                 December 14,1981  
 Dearest John,a  < I went to  the  door  today  and  the  postman  delivered  a< partridge  and  a  pear  tree.  What a thoroughly delightful+ gift.  I couldn't have been more surprised.t    -               With deepest love and devotion,y                                 Agnes   ^L5                                 Miss Agnes McHolsteino.                                 69 Cash Avenue7                                 Beaver Valley, Coloradou  1                                 December 15, 1981"  
 Dearest John,   < Today the postman brought your vey sweet gift.  Just imagine< -  two  turtle doves!  I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift.  They are just adorable.    $                         All my love,                                 Agnes   ^L5                                 Miss Agnes McHolsteint.                                 69 Cash Avenue7                                 Beaver Valley, Coloradod  1                                 December 16, 1981s  
 Dear John,  < Oh!  Aren't you the extravagant  one!   Now  I  must  really< protest.   I  don't  deserve  such generosity - French hens.< They are just darling, but I must insist - you've  been  too kind.i                                 Love,                                 Agnes   ^L5                                 Miss Agnes McHolstein .                                 69 Cash Avenue7                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado   1                                 December 17, 1981o  
 Dear John,  < Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds.   Now,  really,< they  are  beautiful,  but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.    %                       Affectionately,                                  Agnes   ^L5                                 Miss Agnes McHolsteins.                                 69 Cash Avenue7                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado   1                                 December 18, 1981n  
 Dearest John,c  < What a surprise!   Today  the  postman  delivered  5  golden< rings,  one for every finger.  You're just impossible, but I< love it.  Frankly, all those birds squawking were  beginning to get on my nerves.    $                         All my Love,                                 Agnes   ^L5                                 Miss Agnes McHolsteinM.                                 69 Cash Avenue7                                 Beaver Valley, Coloradoj  1                                 December 19, 1981.  
 Dear John,  < When I  opened  the  door  there  were  actually  six  geese< a-laying  on  my  front  steps.  So you're back to the birds< again, huh?  Those geese are huge.  Where will I  ever  keep< them?   The  neighbors  are  complaining  and  I can't sleep through the racket.y   Please Stop.  #                          Cordially,l                               Agnes ^L5                                 Miss Agnes McHolsteinl.                                 69 Cash Avenue7                                 Beaver Valley, Coloradon  1                                 December 20, 1981r   John,s  < What's with  you  and  those  fucking  birds?   Seven  swans< a-swimming.   What  kind  of  goddamn joke is this?  There's< bird shit all over the house and they never  stop  with  the< racket.   I  can't  sleep  at night and I'm a nervous wreck.1 It's not funny, so stop with those fucking birds.r    #                          Sincerely,c                               Agnes   ^L5                                 Miss Agnes McHolsteint.                                 69 Cash Avenue7                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado   1                                 December 21, 1981a   OK, Buster,   < I think I prefer the birds.  What the hell am I going to  do< with  eight maids a-milking?  It's not enough with all those< birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their< goddamn  cows.   There's shit all over the lawn, and I can't1 move in my own house.  Just lay off me, smartass.r                                 Agnes   ^L5                                 Miss Agnes McHolsteinv.                                 69 Cash Avenue7                                 Beaver Valley, Coloradoi  1                                 December 22, 1981    Hey, Shithead,  < What are you?  Some kind of sadist?  Now there's nine pipers< playing.   And  Christ, do they play.  They've never stopped< chasing those maids since they got here  yesterday  morning.< The  cows  are  getting  upset and they're stepping all over< those screeching  birds.   What  am  I  going  to  do?   The. neighbors have started a petition to evict me.  &                      You'll get yours,                               Agnes   ^L5                                 Miss Agnes McHolsteint.                                 69 Cash Avenue7                                 Beaver Valley, Colorado.  1                                 December 23, 1981a   You Rotten Prick,   < Now there's ten ladies dancing.  I don't  know  why  I  call< those  sluts  ladies.  They've been balling those pipers all< night long.  Now  the  cows  can't  sleep  and  they've  got< diarrhea.    My  living  room  is  a  river  of  shit.   The< Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me  to  give  cause( why the building shouldn't be condemned.   I'm siccing the police on you.  &                      One who means it.   ^L5                                 Miss Agnes McHolsteint.                                 69 Cash Avenue7                                 Beaver Valley, Coloradon  1                                 December 24, 1981h   Listen, Fuckhead,d  < What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on  those  maids  and< ladies?   Some of these broads will never walk again.  Those< pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy< with  the cows.  All 23 of the birds are dead.  They've been< trampled to death in the orgy.  I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.  &                      Your sworn enemy,                               Agnes   ^L+                                 Law Offices.:                                 Badger, Bender, and Cahole0                                 303 Knave Street0                                 Denver, Colorado  1                                 December 25, 1981u  	 Dear Sir:e  < This is to acknowledge your latest gift of  twelve  fiddlers< fiddling  which  you have seen fit to inflict on our client,< Miss Agnes McHolstein.   The  destruction,  of  course,  was< total.  All correspondence should come to our attention.  If< you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein  at  Happy  Dale< Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on< sight.  With this letter please find attached a warrant  for your arrest.      #                          Cordially,r  *                  Badger, Bender and Cahole -------aA 15 Dec 87 S Thomas McCormick <EN5.S-MCCORMICK@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU>o Dorothy Parker --6729 chars; More?--o     
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t   Into love and out again,"         Thus I went and thus I go.$ Spare your voice, and hold your pen:          Well and bitterly I know All the songs were ever sung,r%         All the words were ever said;  Could it be, when I was young,&         Someone dropped me on my head?+                 -- Dorothy Parker, "Theory"Y %%9 This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible.t% This was terrible with raisins in it.n!                 -- Dorothy Parker  %%) A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.w$ All tenderly his messenger he chose;0 Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet-- One perfect rose.w  t$ I knew the language of the floweret;2 "My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."" Love long has taken for his amulet One perfect rose.y  u! Why is it no one ever sent me yeto& One perfect limousine, do you suppose?& Ah no, it's always just my luck to get One perfect rose.y5                 -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"i %% Here in my heart, I am Helen;r'         I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.a* I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael;%         I'm Salome, moon of the East.   t Here in my soul I am Sappho;$         Lady Hamilton am I, as well.& In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,*         With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.  t I'm all of the glamorous ladiess)         At whose beckoning history shook.e' But you are a man, and see only my pan, &         So I stay at home with a book.!                 -- Dorothy Parkert %%! If I don't drive around the park,a  I'm pretty sure to make my mark.  If I'm in bed each night by ten, I may get back my looks again. If I abstain from fun and such,  I'll probably amount to much;  But I shall stay the way I am, Because I do not give a damn.w!                 -- Dorothy Parkeri %%- If you took all the women at the Harvard Proml8 and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.!                 -- Dorothy Parkerc %% In youth, it was a way I had To do my best to please,# And change, with every passing lad,i To suit his theories.)  Y! But now I know the things I know,e And do the things I do;  And if you do not like me so,o To hell, my love, with you!d2                 -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer" %%/ Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.s!                 -- Dorothy Parkeri %%' My own dear love, he is strong and boldc*         And he cares not what comes after.( His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,+         And his eyes are lit with laughter.i$ He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --)         Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.e' My own dear love, he is all my world --n%         And I wish I'd never met him.    + My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, -         And a wild young wood-thing bore him! & The ways are fair to his roaming feet,)         And the skies are sunlit for him.n% As sharply sweet to my heart he seems #         As the fragrance of acacia.r( My own dear love, he is all my dreams --#         And I wish he were in Asia.e   # My love runs by like a day in June,p+         And he makes no friends of sorrows.'" He'll tread his galloping rigadoon&         In the pathway or the morrows., He'll live his days where the sunbeams start+         Nor could storm or wind uproot him.u' My own dear love, he is all my heart --t(         And I wish somebody'd shoot him.!                 -- Dorothy Parker  %%! Life is a glorious cycle of song,T A medley of extemporania;l* And love is thing that can never go wrong; And I am Marie of Roumania.t,                 -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment" %% Say my love is easy had, Say I'm bitten raw with pride, Say I am too often sad --a Still behold me at your side.s     Say I'm neither brave nor young, Say I woo and coddle care,  Say the devil touched my tongue,  Still you have my heart to wear.  y But say my verses do not scan, And I get me another man! 3                 -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"  %%. She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.@                 -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance %%D That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.!                 -- Dorothy Parker. %%# The first thing I do in the morning-( is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.!                 -- Dorothy ParkerN %%" The ladies men admire, I've heard, Would shudder at a wicked word. " Their candle gives a single light;$ They'd rather stay at home at night." They do not keep awake till three, Nor read erotic poetry.h They never sanction the impure,  Nor recognize an overture.+ They shrink from powders and from paints...p So far, I've had no complaints. !                 -- Dorothy Parkerr %%# There's little in taking or giving, (         There's little in water or wine:& This living, this living, this living,$         Was never a project of mine.' Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is '         The gain of the one at the top,n For art is a form of catharsis, %         And love is a permanent flop,,# And work is the provence of cattle,s)         And rest's for a clam in a shell,h) So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --t+         Would you kindly direct me to hell? !                 -- Dorothy Parkere %%3 The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.p!                 -- Dorothy Parkeri %%! By the time you swear you're his,e shivering and sighinge and he vows his passion is infinite, undying -- Lady, make a note of this: One of you is lying.<                 -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence" %%K The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed." !                 -- Dorothy Parkers %%! Drink and dance and laugh and lief" Love, the reeling midnight through For tomorrow we shall die! (But, alas, we never do.)t9                 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism"l %% Lady, lady, should you meeta  One whose ways are all discreet, One who murmurs that his wifeb Is the lodestar of his life, One who keeps assuring you That he never was untrue,  Never loved another one... Lady, lady, better run!i0                 -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note" %%. The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core -- Scratch a lover and find a foe!a@                 -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness" %%" My soul is crushed, my spirit sore I do not like me anymore,e" I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse, I ponder on the narrow house I shudder at the thought of mene I'm due to fall in love again.0                 -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope" %%" The man she had was kind and clean And well enough for every day,* But oh, dear friends, you should have seen The one that got away.4                 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman" %%" Where's the man could ease a heart Like a satin gown?4                 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress" %%# A girl's best friend is her mutter.l!                 -- Dorothy Parkero %% Every love's the love before In a duller dress.,                 -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary" %%* Everything's great in this good old world;( (This is the stuff they can always use.), God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled;% (This will provide for baby's shoes.) # Hunger and War do not mean a thing;l# Everything's rosy where'er we roam;d& Hard, how the little birds gaily sing!& (This is what fetches the bacon home.)9                 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse"a -------w< 17 Dec 87 Steven E Harari <EN4.SE-HARARI@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU>: Let's try to make these last postings REALLY worthwhile... --7493 chars; More?--u     
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o    Here goes...E An old Jewish lady is walking along the beach in Florida.  She sees al= man sitting on a bench, not unattractive, but very pale.  Shet says, "Mister, vy you so pale?"d0 He responds, "I've been in prison for 50 years."B "50 years!  My, such a long time!  Vyfor you vere in for so long?"/ "I murdered my wife...with a... a....chainsaw." 3 "You're single?" (say with great Jewish inflection)   e  zB It seems that this young street kid meded his ways and entered theF ministry(non-denom).After his first sermon he asked the elder ministerC what he thought of the sermon.The older fellow said,"well you couldoD relax a little.Have a martini before you step out to preach the next2 evenings sermon it will help to ease the tension".G The next evening the younger preacher had a martini or two or three ande1 afterward the older preacher approached and said:eG   "You were just a little too relaxed.You shouldn't slur your words,you C shouldn't refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. and finally Daniel % slew the lion,he didn't f**k him up!"r  .> If young prostitutes use vaseline what do old prostitutes use?  o POLYGRIP !!!  e   F A seedy looking guy walks into a bank, and sits down at a ladies desk.D She gives him a funny look, and says sarcastically "Can I help you".@ Yeah, he says "I want to open a f**cking bank account. "You keepG talking like that, and I will call the manager".  "Call who you want, ICF want to open a fu**ing bank account.  She calls the manager.  "What isC the problem ?' the manager asks. "no problem, I just want to open a G *u*kng bank account!!" the man yells.  The manager says "Calm down or I @ will call security" "Call God if you want, I just want to open aG fuc*ing bank account!!!!!!!.  The security guard comes over to see whateE is going on. "Whats all this then?" he asks.  The seedy guy is prettyeD annoyed and yell "LOOK ASS*ole, I JUST WON 19 MILLION DOLLARS IN THEF LOTTERY AND I WANT TO OPEN A *UCKING BANK ACCOUNT.  The manager pauses? a moment  and says "And this Fu**** whore wont help you???!!!??L   7 Have you heard about the new "ReaganWriter" typewriter? C It's a standard electric typewriter, but it's missing two things...  A MEMORY and a COLON!!!r Hyuk, hyuk, gag, barf, ACK,    E An Irish priest was driving erratically down a county road in Dublin, C taking corners on two wheels and skidding all over the pavement. AntE alarmed constable finally pulled the good father over and smelled his  breath. + "Father, you're drunk!" said the constable. B "Oh, glory be," answered the priest, "What a relief. I thought the steering was broken."     Roses are reddishv Violets are bluish If it weren't for JesusV WE'd all be Jewish.       D My brother and his wife shared their apartment with a parakeet namedE "Nicky."  The exterminator was scheduled to come, so my sister-in-lawd; put Nicky in the spare bedroom and hung a sign on the door:,8    "Please skip this room. Do not open door. Pet flies."8 The exterminator came.  On his receipt was this comment:>    "Finished all of the apartment except room with pet flies."   @ An elderly priest is walking through Central Park whn he sees anF angelic little girl, blond curly hair and blue eyes, in a little whiteF lace dress, playing with a very cute little dog under a tree. He walksC over to the girl, and says, "Hello, little girl. What's your name?"iF The little girl says, "My name is Blossom." The priest says, "Oh, whatD a beautiful name. How did you come to be named Blossom?" "Well," theB little girl says, "seven years ago, when I was still in my mommy'sF tummy, she was lying right under this tree, when a cherry blossom fellF right on her stomach. She decided that if she had a baby girl that sheE would name her Blossom." The priest says, "Oh, how sweet," and starts5D to walk away. He comes back and says, "By the way, what's your dog'sE name?" The girl answers, "Porky." "Why is that?" "Because," she says,o "he likes to fuck pigs."      . What's the difference between "ooh" and "aah"? About three inches.    ! What's the dumbest part of a man?MC His dick: it's got no brains, its best friends are two nuts, and it     lives next door to an asshole.  C+ What do soybeans and dildos have in common?e They're both meat substitutes.  hF A naive young priest is transfered to a parish in a bad neigborhood of> New York City, and is quite bewildered by the many hookers whoF constantly approach him to whisper, "Ten bucks for a blow job, buddy."G Finally, he can stand being in ignorance no longer, and he goes over to.D a nun at the parish. "Excuse my presumption, sister," says the youngE priest, "but can you tell me what a blow job is?" The sister replies, % "Ten bucks, just like anywhere else."n      $ What do you call a dog with no legs?, Nothing. He won't come when you call anyway.   ) What is the definition of mixed emotions? ? Seeing yor mother-in-law backin off of a cliff in yor brand newh   Mercedes.   d5 Did you hear about the latest over-the-counter scare?e( Someone put Krazy Glue in Preparation H.   5 How can you tell if a woman is    wearing panty hose?n% her ankle swells up when she farts!!!r  r? As the cashier totaled the customer's items, the cashier asked,         "Do you wish to charge?" / The customer looked at the amount and answered, 1        "No. I think I'll just surrender quietly."    D These boys were sitting on the curb just passing the time of day andD they noticed plenty of men going in and out of a particular house.AsG one man passed by they asked him what was going on and he said that fortG five dollars you can have a very nice time.The kids counted their moneyb@ and between them they had only twenty five cents.One of the kidsD volunteered to go up and he rang the doorbell and asked the lady whoF answered if he coul have 25 cents worth.She said sure,raised her skirtD and said,"have a sniff kid,thats 25 cents worth".When the kid joined? his friend the friend asked him how it was and the boy replied: F "It wasn't bad at all but I couldn't stand five dollars worth of that"   @ A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and= asked which one of them should be given the present.  "Who is A the most obedient, never talks back to Mother and does everythingu he or she is told?" he asked.v2 There was a silence, and then a chorus of voicess:#        "*YOU* play with it, Daddy!"a  tG Three visitors from outer space ambled down the street, each stretching E his four legs and waving his six arms in the air.  A tailor, standingsG in the doorway of his shop, saw them coming.  "Quick," he yelled to his 2 partner, "take down that 'Alterations Free' sign!"   G The National Institutes of Health has decided to use lawyers instead ofhF rats as experimental subjects.  Three are three good reasons for this:5   1-Rats are in scarce supply, while lawyers are not;gG   2-They didn't want the experimenters forming emotional attachments ton"     the experimental subjects; and2   3-There are just some things that rats won't do.  v6 Reminds me of the time when these doctors went sailing5 with a lawyer and the boat capsized in shark-infestede3 waters.  After the horrible ordeal, only the lawyer 2 remained as a survivor.  When asked why the sharks< left him alone, the lawyer replied, "Professional Courtesy."  ,: What would Princess Grace be doingif she were alive today? Scratching at her coffin!(HA!)  s Why does Gary Hart love Japan? He loves to eat rice in bed.   , heeehahahahahohohaheehahoooahahahahehhohoho! {sound of huge sigh} -------iG 17 Dec 87 Steven E Harari <EN4.SE-HARARI@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU>, Gary Harta --218 chars; More?--     
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tE So what's the story with Gary Hart? He's in... He's out... He's In...nB He's out... Isn't that what got him in trouble in the first place?< Rumor has it that he's making Donna Rice his Head Secretary.                 :-)  ------- $ 18 Dec 87 JCMA@AI.AI.MIT.EDU@mit-ccc@ COBOL A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly, but it does the work. --3296 chars; More?--a     
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 ! Date: Fri, 18 Dec 87 09:57:22 EST2* From: bfox@wheaties.ai.mit.edu (Brian Fox)9 Message-Id: <8712181457.AA02771@rice-krispies.ai.mit.edu>  To: jcma@wheaties.ai.mit.edu Subject: How about this?    A    The following appeared in the September 1986 issue of "SIGPLANo Notices" (Volume 21, number 9):o  9                Selecting a Programming Language Made Easyy5                    Daniel Solomon & David Rosenblueth ?          Department of Computer Science, University of Waterloor4                    Waterloo, Ontario, Canada N2L 3G1  A    With such a large selection of programming languages it can be H difficult to choose one for a particular project. Reading the manuals toF evaluate the languages is a time consuming process. On the other hand,F most people already have a fairly good idea of how various automobilesD compare. So in order to assist those trying to choose a language, weH have prepared a chart that matches programming languages with comparable automobiles.  K Assembler     - A Formula I race car. Very fast, but difficult to drive andw&                 expensive to maintain.= FORTRAN II    - A Model T Ford. Once it was king of the road.  FORTRAN IV    - A Model A Ford.iK FORTRAN 77    - A six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and                  no seat belts.J COBOL         - A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly, but it does the work.G BASIC         - A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patchedeH                 upholstry. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive.I                 You'll ditch the car as soon as you can afford a new one. J PL/I          - A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two-K                 tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, andl4                 fuzzy dice hanging in the windshieldH C             - A black Firebird, the all-macho car. Comes with optionalE                 seat belts (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape toe                 assembler).e8 ALGOL 60      - An Austin Mini. Boy, that's a small car.D Pascal        - A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once+                 popular with intellectuals.a9 Modula II     - A Volkswagon Rabbit with a trailer hitch.dG ALGOL 68      - An Astin Martin. An impressive car, but not just anyonea                 can drive it.kI LISP          - An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not                  available.' PROLOG/LUCID  - Prototype concept-cars.w% Maple/MACSYMA - All-terrain vehicles.% FORTH         - A go-cart.F LOGO          - A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real*                 engine and a working horn.B APL           - A double-decker bus. Its takes rows and columns ofJ                 passengers to the same place all at the same time. But, itJ                 drives only in reverse gear, and is instrumented in Greek.F Ada           - An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering,I                 power brakes and automatic transmission are all standard. F                 No other colors or options are available. If it's goodB                 enough for the generals, it's good enough for you.D                 Manufacturing delays due to difficulties reading the>                 design specification are starting to clear up.          L 19 Dec 87 jfw@nc.MIT.EDU@mit-ccc, From the Journal of Irreproducible Results --2123 chars; More?--a     
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o$ (Sept/Oct 1987, Vol 33 Nr 1, Page 4)           ADA*  The Devil's Work                   Herman Higgins                 Laurel, MD  J    Recently, while taking an ADA course, a view-graph was shown that said:K "...they have all one language; and this is only the beginning of what theyhG will do; and nothing that they propose to do will now be impossible foreL them, Genesis 11:6".[1]  I am somewhat curious by nature and when I got homeL I looked up this quote.  I read the whole verse and then the next, 11:7.  ItL said: "Come, let us go down, and there confuse their language, that they mayJ not understand one another's speech."  God was speaking.  God did not wantL man to have a common language.  The Devil, always looking for ways to cause L trouble, has found a way after all these centuries to confound God's wishes. ADA was developed.G    ADA has been gaining popularity an an international language.  If ittF continues to gain support all the nations of the world will be able toJ communicate with one another and thus shall be disobeying the Will of God.H The Devil loves this.  He, through his minions,[2] has created an unholyH alliance of men who use this abomination called ADA.  This alliance willJ eventually bring down the wrath of God upon mankind and his works, much toL the delight of Satan.  Not only that, but since a common language is a firstL big step to that most dreaded of instutitions, a One World Government,[3] we( will all suffer mightily for their sins.K    What can we do?  What can we do to save ourselves?  We must abandon this K devilish language, cast it out to the pit of obsolescence, remove all thosetK who would save it, and return to the more Godly languages our fathers knew,o, i.e. machine language, LISP, and APL.  Amen.  ! * Copyright Department of Defensev) [1] Revised Standard Version of The BibleoD [2] It is probably unfair to class the Pentagon, in general, and itsM     lieutenant, the French company that created ADA, as minions of the Devil,a     but I will here. [3] Spelled C-O-M-M-U-N-I-S-M.  I [Editor's note:  Well, now it is revealed that by maintaining info-cobol,m we are doing God's work!]g  4 22 Dec 87 Peter Saviz <peter@eevlsi.ee.columbia.edu> --420 chars; More?--     
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s     MERRY CHRISTMASe       better !pout !cryn     better watchoute     lpr why !     santa claus <north pole >towns       cat /etc/passwd >listr     ncheck list      ncheck list '     cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist "     cat list | grep nice >giftlist"     santa claus <north pole > town       who | grep sleeping      who | grep awake     who | grep bad || good     for (goodness sake) {h                           be good                         }     N 29 Dec 87 S Thomas McCormick <EN5.S-MCCORMICK@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU>, mall movies --4684 chars; More?--%     
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o  b  t1 Rudeness Epidemic Takes Total Toll at Mall Movieso  .I We're at the movies.  We're in one of those modern shopping mall "cinema iO complexes" where each individual theater is the size of a Pez dispenser, which eK means it is very difficult to avoid sitting near the Loud People.  They're  L always there.  One theory is that they actually live in the cinema complex, K bearing live offspring and feeding themselves by hacking off chunks of the h4 inch-thick layer of old Raisinets coating the floor.  yN As soon as we sit down, a herd of Loud People lumbers up behind us and begins M to discuss the incredibly complex problem of where everybody will sit.  This  O keeps them busy all the way through the opening Short Feature, which years ago uP consisted of Heckle and Jeckle engaging in comical stunts but now consists of a O public-service announcement wherein Clint Eastwood tells us, in a stern voice, lO not to use crack cocaine.  (Easy for him to say.  He's not sitting in front of h the Loud People.)c  nL We know from experience what will happen next.  What will happen is that we N will experience each scene from the movie twice:  once when it appears on the G actual screen, and once when the Loud People, whose brains operate on a I 10-second tape delay, comprehend it.  If, for example, the villain, in a rO shocking and dramatic moment, suddenly pulls out a knife, and the camera moves lP in for a close-up, so that the entire screen is filled with a knife the size of O a 1967 Buick, there will be a 10-second pause, and then one of the Loud People a	 will say:l      "He has a knife."	 Or maybe:e      "What is that?  A knife?"  rP So we decide to move to seats that are closer to the screen, which turns out to P be foolish because it puts us near the Teen-agers, who, in terms of their grasp N of basic theater etiquette, make the Loud People look like the royal family.  O It is not their fault.  Due to raging hormonal imbalances over which they have hN no control, their entire social hierarchy undergoes a complete transformation O every four minutes, requiring all 137 of them to change seats immediately.  We  H occasionally catch glimpses of the screen in between the teenage bodies B lurching back and forth, sometimes getting stuck in the Raisinets.  nK And now, rising above the din, is a new sound, coming from a person who is .M standing near the screen and carrying on a lengthy and friendly conversation sK with people, who, to judge from this person's voice level, must be in Nova dO Scotia.  We strain to see, between Teen-agers, who this person is; imagine our sJ suprise when we realize that it is:  the usher.  It is a chilling moment, J similar to the moment experienced by the heroine in "Invasion of the Body O Snatchers" when she discovers that everybody, even Donald Sutherland, has been eG taken over by the pod creatures.  Suddenly we see that we are not in a uO situation where a majority of basically polite people are being inconvenienced sN by a few louts; we are in a situation where, as far as we can tell, everybody  else in the theater is rude.  uO This kind of thing is happening more and more as a result of the International nM Rudeness Epidemic, which scientists now believe started in France, and which  M has been worsening rapidly.  I myself have tracked its growth via the simple  N research technique of holding doors open for people walking behind me.  Years P ago, almost everybody would say, "Thank you" and I would say, "You're welcome." M Then a lot of people stopped saying "Thank you," and I compensated by saying oP "You're welcome" anyway, in a loud and brutally polite voice, which would cause I some of them to become sheepish and say, "Thank you."  Then they stopped aO becoming sheepish and started making obscene gestures.  Now many of them don't tI even bother to do that.  We have reached the point, in the International KJ Rudeness Epidemic, where people have gotten too rude even to give you the  finger.B   N So we find ourselves hunched down in our theater seats, trapped in the middle N of Expo JerkFest '87.  We are, quite frankly, terrified.  We decide to try to N make a break for it.  Our plan is to walk brazenly up the aisle, laughing and L burping real loud so nobody will notice us, then sprint for the car.  We're M just about to make our move when the theater doors burst open.  Our eyes are dN momentarily blinded by a tasteful flash of light, and then, standing in front O of the screen, we see:  Miss Manners.  She reaches into her purse, which is of OL course exactly the color of her shoes, and pulls out:  Clint Eastwood's gun.  o8 "What is that?" says one of the Loud People.  "A knife?"  e       -------EA 29 Dec 87 S Thomas McCormick <EN5.S-MCCORMICK@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU>a dubious achievmentst --5269 chars; More?--x     
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w  = >From ESQUIRE magazine's annual "Dubious Achievement Awards":e  E     During five days of testimony, Rear Admiral John Poindexter said  ;     "I don't recall," or some variation thereof, 184 times.t  F     During two days of testimony, Attorney General Edwin Meese said,  ;     "I don't recall," or some variation thereof, 187 times.r  K     Denying having previously misled Congress, Assistant Secretary of StatetE     Elliot Abrams said, "I never said I had no idea about most of the 0     things you said I said I had no idea about."  L     After telling the Tower Commission that he had approved the sale of armsC     to Iran in advance, and then testifying two weeks later that heBI     hadn't, President Reagan wrote a letter saying, "The simple truth is,i      I don't remember -- period."  D     Life magazine revelead that the late CIA directory William CaseyI     "chewed on his tie and drooled so copiously that his phone mouthpiece"     had to be cleaned daily."t  K     During his face-to-face meeting with world leaders in Venice, Presidentd+     Reagan read his lines from index cards.i  I     President Reagan referred to the bombed warship, the U.S.S. Stark, asd     "the plane."  K     Denying reports that President Reagan is increasingly out of touch with F     realitiy, Senator Alan Simpson (R-Wyo.) said, "I even saw him do aK     cowboy dooldle the other day, and I haven't seen him to that in years. n3     He used to do that when he was in his prime..."   O Why am I the first Kinnock in a           Why is it that Joe Biden is the firsttO thousand generations to be able           in his family ever to go to a univer-cM to get to university?... Was it           sity?... Is it because our fathers  L because our predecessors were             and mothers were not bright? Is itK thick?... Was it because they were        because they didn't work hard, mypJ weak, those people who could work         ancestors who worked in the coalN eight hours underground and  then         mines and would come up after twelveK come up and play football, weak?          hours and play football?...  It'sfM ... It was because there was no           because they didn't have a platformu> platform upon which they could stand.     upon which to stand.K     --- Neil Kinnock, May 1987               --- Josepeh Biden, August 1987s    ?     Claiming ignorance about details of the arms sales to Iran,sF     Vice-President George Bush explained, "I didn't attend the meetingJ     where that was brought up.  I was off at the Army-Navy football game."  H     After forty years in solitary confinement at Spandau Prison, Rudolph     Hess hanged himself.  -     Spam celebrated its fiftieth anniversary.a  J     TV evangelist Oral Roberts, who claimed that God told him he would dieJ     if he didn't receive $* million in donations:  "I need some very quick2     money," Roberts said. "I mean, I need it now."  G     A new compact disc of Lawrence Welk's "Polka Party," issued by WelkwK     Enterprises, accidentally contained the punk-rock sound of track to the"     movie "Sid and Nancy."  I     On a visit to Israel, New York archbishop John Cardinal O'Connor saiddE     the Holocaust "may be an enormous gift that Judaism has given thel     world."t  H     Actress Ally Sheedy said, "If someone's not into being a vegetarian,4     they might be working out some karma, meatwise."  E     "This column is about a large bunch of wonderfully hideous marinenI     iguanas, some herds of sea lions, a few penguins and how meeting themoJ     gave me the most exhilerating sensation in decades of travel.  Even ifK     you do not particularly care for animals do read on because psychic andhK     social significance are lurking lower down." --- A.M. Rosenthal, "On My 0     Mind" column,  New York Times, Feb. 19, 1987  I     Discussing the situation in South Africa, Eddie Murphy said, "I t!inkaG     there should be bloodshed for two or three days.  Then I think they.,     should just party the rest of the week."  K     Fawn Hall was fined ten dollars for refusing to stop eating a banana inp!     the Washington, D.C., subway.m  =     "I am not a bimbo..." --- Jessica Hahn, Playboy interviews  J     Fawn Hall told Barbara Walters that her involvement in the Iran-contraI     scandal "made me realize that probably I'm a lot deeper person than Is     thought I was."   K     "Jim has very seldom seen me without makeup, and hardly ever in my lifee0     without my eyelashes." --- Tammy Faye Bakker  F     In his autobiography, "L.T.: Living on the Edge," New York Giants I     linebacker Lawrence Taylor said he had cured his cocaine addiction bys     playing golf..  H     "There is a lot more to written about Ayatollah Khomeini of Iran andH     President Ortega of Nicaragua but this seems precisely the moment toJ     write about Joseph Papp of New York." --- A.M. Rosenthal, "On My Mind"*     column,  New York Times, Aug. 14, 1987  H     At a conference on drugs in sports, former Maryland basketball coachI     Left Driesell said, "I'm a firm believer that, if you know how to use-D     cocaine properly it can make you play better... I really believe+     cocaine can be performance enhancing." c  M     Michael Jackson's album "Bad" opened with the lyric, "Your butt is mine."e   -------uK 29 Dec 87 S Thomas McCormick <EN5.S-MCCORMICK@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU>, churches  --1227 chars; More?--u     
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H    ) >From Forbes magazine, November 16, 1987:n    6               SOME MIS-SPEAKS BY SPOKESMEN OF THE LORD    G Sentences, as they sometimes come out from the typewriters of those in  F the service of the church, read as though the devil had done them. To 8 wit, these, which actually appeared in church bulletins:    G "This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of o5 the church.  Children will be baptised at both ends."   F "Wednesday, the ladies Literary Society will meet.  Mrs. Johnson will ; sing, 'Put Me In My Little Bed' accompanied by the pastor."l  B "Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers F Club.  All wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet with the  minister in his study."p  B "The service will close with 'Little Drops of Water.'  One of the E ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join   in."  C "The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and g= they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon."   E "On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses F of the new carpet.  All wishing to do something on the carpet, please ' come forward and get a piece of paper."    -------nO 29 Dec 87 S Thomas McCormick <EN5.S-MCCORMICK@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU>, disney world  --5417 chars; More?--a     
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.    9                      DISNEY WORLD JUST DRIVES YOU 'GOOFY'd     4                          Kids Accelerate the Process     -                                 by Dave Barryi     K     It's a Sunday evening, and we're driving home from Orlando, Fla., wherenE     we have taken our son, Robby, and his friend, Erik, for a special J     birthday weekend of fantasy and fun and hurling money at random aroundG     the official Walt "you WILL Have Fun" Disney Magical World of Themes!     Kingdoms and Resort Complex.       K     We're taking what the American Automobile Association has designated as F     the "scenic route" back to Miami, through south-central Florida, aG     region that used to cater primarily to frogs but that has in recentuD     years sprouted dozens of "adult" (which we used to call "retiredJ     person") communities with names like Belle Harbour Vista Manour DownesJ     Estates Centre West II, consisting of what we used to call "trailers,"A     and later we called "mobile homes," and still later we calledeG     "manufactured houses." I don't know what we call them now. ProbablydH     something like "countrie townehome villas," as in: "Hey Ed! Lester's;     cow knocked over your countrie townehome villa again!" a     J     We've been driving for three, maybe eight hours. In the back seat, theJ     boys have finished writing on their forearms with Official Walt DisneyK     World souvenir felt-tipped markers, and are now passing the time with al?     little game they have invented with their soaring childhoodl*     imaginations: spitting on each other.               Ptooo, goes Robby.         Ptooo, goes Erik.a         Ptooo, goes Robby.     K     This little game of saliva tennis is clearly audible in the front seat,uK     but Beth an I, the Parental Authority Figures, say nothing. We are bothcH     thinking the same thing: At least they are taking turns. That is howH     low we have sunk on this car trip. We frankly would not mind if theyI     were back there shooting a high-powered rifle out the window, as longs6     as they shared it. But, of course, they wouldn't.      J     "No fair!" Robby would shout. "Erik got three shots and I only got twoH     but he won't give me back the rifle!" And Erik would say, "But RobbyK     hit the farmer and I didn't hit anybody!" And Robby would say, "You dideH     too! You hit the policeman!" And Erik would say, "Only his hat!" AndH     finally one of us Authority Figures would whirl around and snap, "IfJ     you can't share the rifle, we're going to take it away and then NOBODY$     WILL BE ABLE TO SHOOT ANYBODY."      K     We always get irritable like this when we return to harsh reality afterfG     a couple of days in Walt "You Are Having Some Fun Now, Yes?" DisneyyK     Resort and World and Compound, a place where your dreams really do comeiJ     true, if you dream about having people wearing enormous cartoon-animalK     heads come around to your restaurant table and act whimsical and refuseoA     to go away until you laugh with delight.  This happens to youi      constantly at Disney World.      B     I think it's part of a corporate discipline program for DisneyI     executives. ("Johnson, your department is over budget again. You knowfA     what that means." "No! Please!" "Yes! Into the Goofy suit!") v     H     We saw a lot of Goofy. Every time we sat down to eat, there he wouldG     be, acting whimsical. It got so that Robby and Erik, busily playing,8     with their action figures, hardly even noticed him.      J     "Look, boys!" we would say, food dribbling down our chins. "Here comes     Goofy! Again!" L     K     Robby, not even looking up, would thrust one of his figures toward ErikrL     and say: "This guy sends out a laser beam that can MELT YOUR EYEBALLS."      A     "Oh yeah?" Erik would say. "Well THIS guy makes a noise like,nK     mmmmmmPAAAAAAH!, that goes in through your ears and EXPLODES YOUR WHOLEi     HEAD." W     G     Meanwhile, right behind them, encased in a heavy costume, this poorrK     person, probably the executive vice president for group sales, would berE     writhing around, trying desperately to fulfill the boys' innocenteK     childhood fantasies. Finally we grown-ups would have to let him off theeG     hook. "Ha ha, Goofy!" we would say, speaking directly into the salt K     shaker, which is where we figured the microphone had been hidden by therK     Walt Disney World Whimsy Police. "You sure are causing us to laugh withr     delight!"      K     Don't get me wrong. I like Disney World. The restrooms are clean enough J     for neurosurgery, and the employees say things like "Howdy folks!" andI     actually seem to MEAN it. You wonder: Where do they get these people? H     My guess: 1952. I think old Walt realized, way back then, that thereH     would eventually be a shortage of cheerful people, so he put all theG     residents of southwestern Nebraska into a giant freezer with a hugetJ     picture of Jiminy Cricket on the outside, and the corporation has been+     thawing them out as needed ever since. m     H     Whatever the secret is, it works, and I urge you all to visit DisneyI     World several dozen times. Afterward, I recommend that you drive downwJ     to Miami on the "scenic rout," although if you notice two boys, ages 6F     and 7, standing on the side of the road spitting at each other, my#     advice is not to pick them up. h      ------- A 29 Dec 87 S Thomas McCormick <EN5.S-MCCORMICK@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU>  year in review --19815 chars; More?--     
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r    +                Year in Review by Dave Barry,  E Reprinted without permission from the Worcester Telegram and Gazette,e	 12/27/87.i  B   (This article appeared in the Sunday Telegram on the front page,B    under the headline: "Nation Secured Blessings of Humor in '87")   January:K 3 - Oral Roberts tells his followers that unless they send him $4.5 millionnL by the end of the month God will turn him into a hypocritical money-grubbing	 slimebag.o  M 5 - In response to growing pressure from the United States, the government ofaL Columbia vows to track down its major drug dealers and, if necessary, remove them from the cabinet.  H 8 - The Federal Aviation Administration announces that, in response to aI routine questionnaire, 63 percent of the nation's air traffic controllerstF stated that their primary career goal was "to defeat the forces of the Planet Wambeeno."h  N 10 - In the ongoing war against the federal deficit, the Reagan Administration. submits the first-ever trillion-dollar budget.  L 14 - In New York City, officials of the Justice Department's Organized CrimeF Task Force announce that Anthony "Grain Embargo" DiPonderoso and JimmyK "Those Little Pins They Put in New Shirts" Zooroni have agreed to enter the " Federal Nickname Exchange Program.  H 16 - In his first press conference since 1952, President Reagan asked byI reporters to comment on persistent allegations that he is "out of touch", - responds: "Thanks, but I just had breakfast."i  H 18 - The People's Republic of China announces that "Deng Xiaoping" means "Big Stud Artichoke."y  M 21 - The Audi Corp. is forced to recall 250,000 cars after repeated incidents G wherein parked Audis, apparently acting on their own, used their mobilew$ phones to purchase stocks on margin.  E 26 - President Reagan tells Iran-Contra scandal investigators that hei. "might have" approved to sale of arms to Iran.  H 28 - In the Middle East, Syria has its name legally changed to "Jordan".E A welcome calm settles over Beirut as the six remaining civilians aren taken hostage.  G 30 - In Washington the IRS unveils the new, improved W-4 form, which is M such a big hit that the experts who thought it up are immediately put to workw, on developing a policy for the Persian Gulf.    	 February:s  I 1 - A new policy requiring random drug testing of all airline pilots runs O into a snag when nearly half of the Delta pilots are unable to hit the specimena bottle.r  I 3 - In the ongoing war against the federal budget deficit, Congress givest itself a pay raise.o  N 4 - The United States yacht Stars and Stripes recaptures the coveted America'sN Cup when the Australian entry Kookaburra, is sunk by a Chinese-made "Silkworm"K missile. The U.S. Sixth Fleet steams toward the troubled region with orders K to "form humongous targets".  Liberace goes up to the Big Candelabra in thee Sky.  I 7 - Famed Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward reveals that, in a secretiG hospital interview, dying entertainer Liberace revealed that Woodward'sW5 upcoming book, "Veil", would be "a real page-turner".e  L 8 - True item: Sen. Lloyd Bensten, chairman of the Senate Finance Committee,M sends out a letter telling lobbyists that for $10,000 apiece, they can attendl monthly breakfasts with him.  N 9 - Rep. Arnold LaTreece announces that for $15,000 apiece, lobbyists can kiss him on the lips.  ; 10 - George Bush announces that he is available for $12.50.i  I 11 - President Reagan tells Iran-Contra scandal investigators that he didh% not approve of the arms sale to Iran.y  L 15 - George Bush reduces his price to $3.99, including the souvenir beverage mug.  I 17 - In Columbia, police arrest Carlos Lehder for jaywalking and discoveriF that his pockets contain 1,265,000 pounds of cocaine. Lehder claims to  have "no idea" how it got there.  O 19 - Mario Cuomo announces that he doesn't want to be president and immediatelyM$ becomes the Democratic front-runner.  I 20 - George Bush announces that *he* doesn't want to be president either.S  5 22 - Andy Warhol goes to the Big Soup Can in the Sky.   M 23 - Panic grips the nation as a terrorist group seizes 150,000 new, improvednK W-4 forms and threatens to send them to randomly selected Americans throught	 the mail.t  O 24 - President Reagan announces that he cannot remember whether he approved the,M sale of arms to Iran. In a quotation that we are not making up, the presidentaN tells White House reporters: "Everybody that can remember what they were doing$ on August 8, 1985, raise your hand".  J 26 - Famed Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward reveals that, in a secretF hospital interview, dying artist Andy Warhol revealed that Woodward's G forthcoming book "Veil", would be "available in bookstores everywhere".e     March:  G 3 - Comedian Danny Kaye dies moments after granting an interview to Bob 	 Woodward.A  D 7 - In the widening scandal on Wall Street, the heads of three major$ investment firms rob a liquor store.  J 13 - Non-candidate Mario Cuomo, carrying out his normal duties as governorL of New York state, meets with the heads of state of England, France, Norway, Sweden, and Germany.  M 15 - A barge loaded with garbage sets out into the Atlantic under the command J of explorer-author Thor Heyerdahl, who is seeking to prove his theory thatI South America could have been discovered by ancient mariners sailing fromo% Islip, L.I., in crude garbage barges.h  G 18 - The SMU football team in suspended from inter-collegiate athletics P when NCAA investigators, after taking urine samples, determine that the school's7 leading rusher, majoring in communications, is a horse.l  8 23 - The SMU horse is drafted by the Kansas City Chiefs.  I 24 - A place called "Chad" defeats Libya in some kind of war. This really 	 happened.   I 27 - In what is hailed as a major arms-race breakthrough, U.S. and Soviet : arms negotiators in Geneva agree to wear matching outfits.  J 30 - In an illegal industrial waste dump somewhere in Louisiana, lightningM strikes two adjacent putrid pools of festering corrosive toxic slime, setting,H of chemical reactions that cause the pools first to bubble, then slowly,J horrifyingly, to solidify and pulsate upward, gradually forming themselvesJ into shapes that, in the ghastly light of the flickering electrical storm,F appear almost human. "Hi!", they shriek cheerfully, into the swampland& emptiness. "We're Jim and Tammy Faye!"     April:  I 1 - Speaking in unison, an estimated three dozen congressman, all of themhK age 43, all of them blond, and all of them named "Dick", announce that theyo3 are seeking the Democratic presidential nomination.R  I 3 - In the Persian Gulf, Iranians attack the Islip garbage barge, but area driven off by courageous flies.b  I 6 - Non-candidate Mario Cuomo, in the pursuit of his normal gubernatorial > duties, reaches a tentative pact with Soviet arms negotiators.  K 13 - True Anecdote: In National League baseball action, the Atlanta Braves' I Dion James hits a ball that would have been caught easily, except that in # midair it strikes and kills a dove.   G 14 - In Colorado, Gary Hart declares his candidacy for the presidentialnG nomination, making the official announcement while standing in front of G a dramatic backdrop of soaring mountains, towering pine trees, and four 2 Miami Herald reporters disguised as rhododendrons.  I 15 - The lifeless body of Atlanta Braves player Dion James is found under $ an enormous mound of dove droppings.  9 16 - President and Mrs. Reagan release their tax returns.m  J 19 - The IRS sends back the Reagans' tax returns, gently pointing out that! you're supposed to fill them out.a  J 22 - Crack U.S. counterintelligence agents in Moscow begin to suspect thatM the new U.S. Embassy in Moscow, constructed by Soviet labor, might be bugged,rG when one of them sneezes in the ambassador's office and six chairs say,d
 "Gesundheit".,     May:  H 2 - Late night on a quiet Washington street, four Miami Herald reportersL emerge from a mailbox and confront Gary Hart. Knowing that the voting publicK does not wish to read squalid details about a candidate's personal life andwL would much prefer that the media focus on The Issues, the reporters question4 Hart relentlessly about his view on monetary policy.  M 3 - Like a raging unquenchable forest fire, the Gary Hart story sweeps acrosssK the nation, as voters are consumed by a burning need to know more about themL candidate's monetary views. Rumors abound that Hart, at various times in his< career, may also have had views on a number of other issues.  J 4 - The Hart story becomes so hot that issue-oriented Phil Donahue devotesG a show to it, canceling the regular weekly appearance of the sex-changee0 lesbian surrogate-mother nude-dancer ex-priests.  M 5 - The Iran-Contra hearings begin with Se. Daniel Inouye doing his hilariousoA two-hour impersonation of a 78 rpm record being played at 33 rpm.n  K 6 - An angry Gary Hart is forced to withdraw from the race after word leaksmJ out that The Washington Post has obtained documented evidence that he onceJ proposed tying the prime rate to the Index of Leading Economic Indicators.  J 7 - Citing alleged "bisexual activity", officials of the Assemblies of GodL Church vote to have Jim Bakker defrocked. Then they hastily vote to have him frocked again.  H 16 - Rita Hayworth dies moments after confiding to Bob Woodward that hisB forthcoming book, "Veil", would be out "just in time for Christmas
 gift-giving".   J 17 - The U.S. Navy frigate Stark is attacked by an Iraqi jet, which, underM our extremely clear Mideast policy, causes us to prepare for violent confron-, tation with Iran.   N 29 - 19 year old German Mathias Rust, flying a single-engined Cessna airplane,L manages to cross 400 miles of Soviet airspace to reach Red Square in Moscow,I where he narrowly avoids colliding with a Delta Air Lines flight en route  from Pittsburgh to Cleveland.e  C 30 - Caspar Weinberger orders 5,000 single-engine Cessna airplanes.t     June:l  M 2 - True Item: In the ongoing Iran-Contra hearings, the committee learns thatlL a country named "Brunei" contributed $10 million to help the Contras, exceptN Fawn Hall or somebody typed a wrong number, so the money ended up in the SwissJ bank account of a total stranger. This helps explain why, despite all the L elaborate assistance efforts with secret codes and passwords and everything,E the only actual aid ever received by the Contras was  six-month trialy subscription to Guns and Ammo.  H 7 - "Brunei" receives 314,324 urgent personal mail solicitations from TV evangelists.  I 8 - In the most dramatic Iran-Contra testimony to date, Fawn Hall, played M by Farrah Fawcett Majors, testifies that, as Justice Department investigatorsaI closed in, she and Oliver North stayed late in their White House basement A office and "colorized" a number of classic black-and-white films.o  3 22 - Fred Astaire dies in the arms of Bob Woodward.r  H 29 - In Wimbledon action, John McEnroe kills a line judge and is given a stern warning.     July:e  H 4 - The Hormel company marks the 50th anniversary of Spam in festivitiesE featuring a full-size, fully functional suspension bridge constructedl/ entirely out of the popular luncheon substance.   I 7 - The central figure in the Iran-Contra hearing, Lt. Col. Oliver North,mI becomes an instant folk hero when, with his eyes glistening and his voicecD cracking with emotion, he courageously admits, before a worldwide TV$ audience, that he is very patriotic.  H 9 - Oral Roberts reveals that he can raise the dead. He is rushed to the White House.  L 11 - The Iran-Contra hearings reach their dramatic peak when Lt. Col. OliverG North, his eyes glistening and his voice cracking with emotion, makes aaH sweeping patriotic hand gesture and knocks over his bottle of Revlon Eye
 Glistener.  D 15 - The giant Citicorp bank announces that it has agreed to forgiveE Mexico's $56.3 billion debt in exchange for 357.9 gazillion chickens.u  K 18 - In Hollywood, plans are formulated for a major motion picture based onaJ the Oliver North story, starring Sylvester Stallone as North, Fawn Hall as+ herself, and Helen Keller as the president.o  L 21 - The discovery of "superconductors" - materials that offer no resistanceI to electricity even at relatively high temperatures - creates a worldwide M stir of excitement among the kind of dweebs who always had their Science Fair  projects done early.  I 24 - In the ongoing Iran-Contra hearings, the committee hears two days ofiH dramatic testimony from Mario Cuomo, who explains that he has decided toF stay out of the presidential race so he can fulfill his obligations as governor of New York.w  M 27 - Officials at the National Zoo in Washington are saddened by the death ofeK the tiny infant cub of rare giant pandas Ling-Ling and Hsing-Hsing, who aretL described as "distraught" by their close friend Bob Woodward. Edwin Meese is$ linked to the Lincoln assassination.  K 30 - In Moscow, the Embassy spy scandal deepens when it is learned that fortN the past 6 years, the "wife" of the U.S. ambassador has in fact been four maleM KGB agents wearing what State Department officials describe as "a very clever 
 disguise".     August:h  O 3 - Political activist Donna Rice, in her continuing effort to avoid publicity,e" sells her story to ABC television.  L 6 - As "Ollie-mania" continues to sweep the country, one of the most popularL video-arcade games in the country is a new one called - "Contra". The way itN works is, there are two soldiers on the screen, and when you put in a quarter, it never gets to them.  M 10 - The U.S. space probe Meanderer II, after a journey of six years and manyoM millions of miles, passes within 400 miles of the surface of Neptune, sendingr9 back dramatic color photographs of a Delta Air Lines jet.h  K 16 - On the 10th anniversary of Elvis Presley's death, tens of thousands offJ fans gather in Memphis to hear Bob Woodward discuss his final moments withN the bulging superstar. At the same time, thousands of other people gifted withL the "New Age" consciousness celebrate the Harmonic Convergence by picking at, their strait-jacket straps with their teeth.  I 22 - Rumors circulate that Gary Hart will re-enter the presidential race.a3 Johnny Carson places his writers on Full Red Alert.L  J 25 - In what is hailed as a landmark ruling, the Supreme Court decides, byJ a 7-2 vote, that you cannot count three oranges as one item in the Express8 Checkout Lane "unless they are all in the same package".  J 27 - Georgia Sen. Sam Nunn announces that he doesn't want to be president.! Cuomo challenges him to a debate.n  G 28 - In the Persian Gulf, tensions mount as a U.S. gunboat engages in aL scuffle with actor Sean Penn.n    
 September:  L 1 - The FAA, responding to consumer complaints, issues tough new rules underL which airlines are required to notify passengers "within a reasonable period$ of time" if their plane has crashed.  K 8 - Researcher Shere Hite releases her scientific new book, "Men Are Scum".e  K 9 - In Washington D.C., ground is broken for the $25.4 million Presidential 
 Polyp Museum.s  L 12 - In the ongoing hearings, Sen. Joseph Biden pledges to consider the BorkG nomination "with total objectivity", adding: "You have that on my honor 8 not only as a senator, but also as the prince of Wales."  D 21 - Pro football players go on strike, demanding the right to "haveM normal necks". Negotiations begin under the guidance of mediator Mario Cuomo.t  L 28 - Tensions ease in the Persian Gulf as a Delta Air Lines flight, en routeF from Boston to Newark, successfully lands on the U.S. carrier Avocado.     October:  G 8 - Three Hundred prominent law professors sign a petition stating thatg7 Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork has "a weenie beard".   L 15 - In an effort to establish that she is not a bimbo, Jessica Hahn appearsL nude in Playboy magazine. We are pretty sure we must have made this item up.  L 22 - As the stock market is brought under control, major brokerage firms runM expensive prime-time TV commercials reassuring the public that this is a goodnO time to get back into the market, prompting the public to wonder how come thesehF firms didn't spend a few bucks last week to warn everybody to get the  hell *out*.A  N 23 - The Senate rejects Bork. President Reagan, informed of this by his aides, angrily responds: "Who?"  J 25 - The Senate Transportation Committee recommends that the federal speedI limit should be raised on highways going through boring or ugly areas, sogF drivers can get through them quicker. "In Indiana, for instance," the 2 committee says, "it should be 135 miles per hour."  J 29 - The Minnesota Twins win the World Series. President Reagan, as is theJ custom, calls up manager Tom Kelly and nominates him to the Supreme Court.    	 November:m  J 1 - In the ongoing heroic effort to trim the federal budget deficit, House3 and Senate conferees agree not to order appetizers.   M 8 - Canadian Prime Minister Brian Mulroney, large chunks of his scalp fallingoB off, angrily demands that the U.S. do something about "acid rain".  F 12 - In continuing media coverage of the Character Issue, presidentialK candidates named Bruce "Dick" Babbitt and Albert "Dick" Gore Jr. state thateL they have tried marijuana, but no longer use it. "Now we just drink gin till we throw up," they state.,  E 13 - George Bush reveals that he tried to smoke marijuana, but nobodyc would give him any.   G 17 - In Geneva, the final obstacle to a superpower summit is removed asZK the U.S. negotiators agree not to notice the mark on Soviet Premier MikhailI Gorbachev's forehead.r  I 22 - In ceremonies marking his retirement as secretary of defense, CaspartL Weinberger is presented with a pen-and-pencil set, built by General Dynamics Corp. for $352.4 million.l  J 30 - In a pre-summit public relations gambit designed to show that he is aJ normal human, Mikhail Gorbachev is interviewed by Tom Brokaw, who, clearlyC nervous, addresses the Soviet Leader as "Premier Forehead Mark". IndI Washington, Gov. Mario Cuomo formally lights the national Christmas tree.a    	 December:n  N 2 - In a widely hailed legal decision, the judge in the bitter divorce disputeL between Joan Collins and Peter Holm orders them both shot. Mikhail Gorbachev appears on "Jeopardy".  K 5 - In a cost-cutting move, financially troubled Eastern Airlines announcesnK that its domestic flights will operate without engines. "Most of them nevera' take off anyway," explains a spokesman.i  L 8 - In Washington, the long-waited U.S.-Soviet summit meeting gets off to anG uncertain start as President Reagan attempts to nominate Soviet Premierr' Mikhail Gorbachev to the Supreme Court.   G 9 - The summit concludes on a triumphant note as, in the culmination ofgH 10 years of negotiations between the superpowers, Gorbachev and New YorkF Gov. Mario Cuomo sign a historic agreement under which both sides willK move all of their mid- and short-range long-term strategic tactical nucleare weapons 150 feet to the left.U  K 12 - Michael Jackson, angered over persistent media reports that he has hadoM extensive plastic surgery, strikes a People magazine reporter with one of his  antenna stalks.e  G 15 - Under pressure from the U.S. to reduce the trade deficit, Japanesen> auto manufacturers agree to give their cars really ugly names.  G 18 - Playboy magazine offers Tammy Faye Bakker a record $1.5 million ifc* she will promise never, ever to pose nude.  G 23 - Motor Trend magazine names, as its Car of the Year, the new Nissanl
 Rat Vomit.  & 28 - Cleveland declares war on "Chad".  I 31 - The year ends on a tragic note as a Iowa farmer backs up his tractor H without looking and accidentally kills an estimated 14 blond 43-year-oldF Democratic presidential contenders named Dick. Knowledgeable observers? suggest, however that this will have little impact on anything.s   -------3/ 29 Dec 87 straz@MEDIA-LAB.MEDIA.MIT.EDU@mit-ccc-" When it's raining cats and dogs... --1519 chars; More?--d     
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 # Boston Globe, Dec 29, 1987, page 3:u  1 "What saves falling cats? Maybe it's belly flops"i Associated Press  B NEW YORK - A cat's ability to land on its belly - not its feet, asD folklore has it - may explain why only three of 132 felines who fellE from great heights were dead on arrival at a veterinary hospital, andh' why more than three-quarters recovered.   E In a study of more than 22 cats that dropped more than seven stories,pB only one died, according to the Journal of the American Veterinary Association.  D The cat that took the longest plunge - 32 stories - walked away with0 only chest and lung bruises and a chipped tooth.  C Of the 132 cats whose cases were studied, three were killed and theoB owners of 17 others elected to have them put to sleep, even thoughG veterinarians told them their pets could be saved. Of the remaining 112 ' who were treated, 90 percent recovered.o  H  The cats, taken to the Animal Medical Center in New York over a 5 month1 period in 1984, fell an average of 5 1/2 stories.s  [...]G In an interview, the article's author, Dr. Wayne Whitney, stressed that F no one knows exactly how a cat breaks its fall. But he said it appears3 the falling cat is able to quickly spread its legs.b   -----------------3G [n.b. - Perhaps the vast majority weren't dead on arrival, since nobody @ bothered to bring in the dead ones!  This research has, however,E revealed one valuable insight: if you want to be thorough, you shouldt: saw off your cat's legs first so it can't break the fall.]    . 29 Dec 87 SAZ@AI.AI.MIT.EDU@mit-ccc, cat humor --516 chars; More?--     
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b  F I recall a humorous (?) cartoon from a college humor rag: There's thisE really high bridge with two guys standing on it; the one is saying tolB the other: "See? I told you they always land on their feet!".  TheC humor is that on the ground below them is this cat with a disgustedcB look on its face; the careful observer of the cartoon notices nextD that the bones of the cat's "shoulders" are poking out a good coupleC of inches through the skin which would normally be encasing them...   
 sick but truer   saz.  # 31 Dec 87 RAY@AI.AI.MIT.EDU@mit-ccce, Why Prague? (from the December 1987 Harpers) --917 chars; More?--     
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sC (The following story, told by a recent visitor from Czechoslovakia,f8 appeared in the September issue of Index on Censorship.)  F A big businessman from an African country came to Czechoslovakia a fewF months ago to close an important deal with a state export organizationC and to see how his son, a student at a Czech university, was doing.e  F In the friendly atmosphere of a farewell party, a high official of theA Czech state export monopoly asked him a rather personal question:s? "Mr. XY, you yourself are an Oxford-educated man.  I can't helpl? wondering--why did you send your son to study in Czechoslovakiao	 instead?"n  > "I had two reasons for that," the African businessman replied.D "First--it is much cheaper, you know.  And second--if I had sent himF to Oxford I'm pretty sure he would have returned with his head full ofF crazy Marxist ideas.  I wanted to be absolutely certain this would not happen."  <  4 Jan 88 jrrauen@ATHENA.MIT.EDU@mit-ccc, A UNIX XMAS TO ALL --486 chars; More?--     
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s   - ------- Forwarded Messagee       better !pout !cryh     better watchouti     lpr why !     santa claus <north pole >townH       cat /etc/passwd >listr     ncheck list      ncheck listi'     cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlistn"     cat list | grep nice >giftlist"     santa claus <north pole > town       who | grep sleepinga     who | grep awake     who | grep bad || good     for (goodness sake) {                            be good                         }f      . (by Frank Carey, AT&T Bell Laboratories, 1985)      G 13 Jan 88 bostic%okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU@ucbvax.Berkeley.EDU@mit-ccc, JOTDe --2372 chars; More?--     Entering digest ...     
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 E The following article is taken from the New Hampshire Business Review D under the  category of  lawyers.  This  was one of Richard Lederer's7 columns on Looking at Language.  Original date unknown.r  D --------------------------------------------------------------------    ... Exiting digestnN 14 Jan 88 S Thomas McCormick <EN5.S-MCCORMICK@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU>, world jokes --1703 chars; More?--t     
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   .                                  Weird Science  F   OBSERVATION: The Wright Brothers managed a first flight of about 120B         feet in 1903, achieving a maximu altitude of about 4 feet.?         Now men can fly twice around the world, or to the moon h         and back.w  H   OBSERVATION:  World highjump and polevaulting records are being brokenB         every year, again and agin, and are now many times greater.         than their earliest recorded maximums.  @   CONCLUSION:  The earth's gravity is being used up at a rapidly3         increasing rate, and is not being replaced.h  H ........................................................................  D       All of California west of the San Andreas Fault will break offE     and tumble into the Pacific Ocean sometime before the end of thisaE     century, owing to the weight of accumulated National Geographics.a  G .......................................................................i  G       Flattening of the earth at the poles is caused by over-tighteningeE      of the two large wing nuts which can be clearly discerned on anya!      tabletop model of the globe.l  H ........................................................................  C        OBSERVATION:  Socks go into the laundry in matched pairs but 7            always come out as uniquely-colored singles.m  D        THEORY:   Each pair of socks consists of a male and a female.F            The smell of laundry soap drives them into a sexual frenzy.F            They mate, after which the female consumes the male; duringD            the spin cycle she gives birth to a litter of lint balls.  >                   [*> Do unto others .. then run like hell <*]   -------oN 14 Jan 88 S Thomas McCormick <EN5.S-MCCORMICK@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU>, tae kwan-do --5298 chars; More?--i     
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e  /                         Foot, don't fail me nows  5                                         by Dave Barrys  J        In what could turn out to be a North American record for boneheadedE     parental blunders, we have decided to let our son, who is 6, take J     lessons in Tae Kwan-Do.  This is a martial art, something like karate,I     only it comes from Korea.  I think Tae Kwan-Do is Korean for "I shalleF     kick you in the head," because this is largely what you try to do.I     First you bow to your opponent with deep respect, and then you try toeG     insert your instep far into his or her nasal passages.  This buildsu     character and discipline.rK        At least that's the theory we're working under.  It sure looked likeaK     there was a lot of character being built when we took Robert to the TaetJ     Kwan-Do studio to check it out.  There were maybe 30 kids there, bare-K     foot and wearing those white pajamas; and the teacher, Master Choi, hadmI     them completely under control.  He never even had to raise his voice.sB     Me, I can't control one child without constantly escalating to     ludicrous threats.L        "Robert!" I am always shouting.  "If I have to tell you ONE MORE TIMEK     to clean this gerbil poop off the coffee table, I am going to take thatiG     yo-yo away from you and you will NEVER SEE IT AGAIN FOR THE REST OF      YOUR LIFE." J        Master Choi, on the other hand, merely had to issue a quiet commandH     in Korean, and instantly all 30 students would leap to attention, orI     bow, or attack the person on their immediate right or whatever.  PartsJ     of the reason they have so much respect for Master Choi, of course, isM     they know he can kick them barefooted clean through a Kuwaiti oil tanker.mH     But part of it also seemed to be discipline and character, and since,     Robert was hot to try, we signed him up.H        I now realize this could be a major error.  I mean, right now ourK     household is analogous to the international situation right after WorldsG     War II, with America (represented by my wife and me) being the only H     country with the atomic bomb (represented by being big), which meansJ     that the Soviet Union (Robert) is ultimately forced to yield in inter-4     national disputes, such as what time is bedtime.H        But with the Tae Kwan-Do lessons, we are handing the Soviet UnionK     advanced laser technology that could upset the entire balance of power. G     Master Choi has assured us that it's only for self-defense, and I'mrG     sure he is sincere, but I have my doubts.  If I knew Tae Kwan-Do, ItK     would go around claiming it was self-defense, but actually I would lookt2     for every opportunity to use it in daily life.H        For example, you know how sometimes you're in an airplane and youK     get stuck sitting next to a person, always a male, who just has to haveiJ     control of the armrest?  It's an aggressive territorial lust that manyK     males have, dating back millions of years, when territory was importantkH     and males were stupid.  The male sitting next to you may look like aK     modern businessman, but deep in his cerebral cortex he is a Neanderthal.I     named Oog who is convinced that if he lets you share the armrest, youaI     will kill him and take his woman.  Guys think stuff like this all the N     time, which is why we have all those boats over there in the Persian Gulf.D        So anyway, if I knew Tae Kwan-Do, and I was sitting next to aE     territorial male, I would attempt to share the armrest; but if he I     shoved my arm off, I would draw back my foot and, with awesome power, G     shatter his briefcase into thousands of tiny Samsonite pieces.  Andt-     then I would TAKE HIS WOMAN.  Hahahahaha. G        See what I mean?  Even I don't feel responsible enough to handle4J     this kind of power, and I am a grown-up with major credit cards.  LordE     knows what my son will do.  I can just picture our household withrG     Robert completely beyond our control, going to bed at 4:30 a.m. andWE     eating meals consisting entirely of chocolate Easter bunny parts.aK        Of course he has a long way to go.  To get a black belt, you have toeK     go through a series of lower-level belts, each signifying that you havetK     mastered a number of difficult techniques.  Right now Robert is a whiteiI     belt, which signifies only that his father has written a check to the-     Tae Kwan-Do studio.aI        But he's learning fast.  When he came out from his first lesson heoA     was so fired up that, right in the parking lot, he gave me an J     impressive demonstration of his prowess, launching a leaping kick thatI     I'm sure would have had devastating power if his legs hadn't gone out I     from under him in animated-cartoon fashion such that he wound up in acI     crumpled little martial-arts pile, crying partly from pain but mostlycF     from the humiliation of being defeated in hand-to-hand combat by aI     parking lot.  I picked him up -- I have a black belt in picking up --lI     and carried him to the car, and by the time we got home he was a MeanoK     Fighting Machine again.  He wore his white belt to supper. He wanted to4K     wear the whole uniform, but we didn't want him to spill Kool-Aid on it.J  G     [from WEST (San Jose Mercury News Sunday magazine?), Oct. 25, 1987]y   -------"A 14 Jan 88 S Thomas McCormick <EN5.S-MCCORMICK@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU>p nielson ratings  --4812 chars; More?--y     
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t    6                 Rating the TV Shows - However Remotely  -                                 by Dave Barryo  A         [ Reprinted from the Boston Sunday Globe, Jan. 10, 1988 ]l    N I don't know about you, but I always assumed that TV ratings were based on theN viewing habits of people who could easily fit their cerebral cortices inside aL standard cold capsule.  I based this opinion on such evidence as the extremeL popularity of the show "Wheel of Fortune."  Every time I tune it in, there'sK a contestant frowning with intense concentration at a group of letters like2L "H-A-P-P-Y B-I-R-T-H-D-A-(blank)," then guessing that the missing letter is:M "W."  Then, the lovely Vanna White, displaying the poise and talent that haveiJ made her one of the most respected, if not *the* most respected, game-showI women in the Free World, turns over the blank to reveal - Oh no! - a "Y," L causing the live studio audience to react with an outpouring of grief of theB type normally associated with the loss of a popular family member.  G The TV-ratings people say a large number of their representative sampledO households watch this show regularly.  So, I figured that the way they selectedmK these households was by looking for people who meet the following criteria:   &         1.  They attend tractor pulls.0         2.  But they show up on the wrong night.+         3.  But they stay and watch anyway.m  I Well, I was wrong.  It turns out that the ratings people sometimes select I highly-intelligent and cultured sample families.  I know this because theeL Nielsen TV Ratings company recently selected my own family, which has alwaysK displayed a high degree of intelligence except for the time we deliberatelyn+ invited an Amway distributor into our home.d  O When you are a Nielsen family, they send you a little diary for each TV set youbN own, plus something their letter calls a "token" of their "appreciation" - twoO crisp one-dollar bills.  "You may wish to use it to brighten the day of a childgJ you know," the letter suggests.  They have a heart as big as all outdoors, those Nielsen people.a  N Every time you watch a TV show, you're supposed to write it down in the diary,M and - at the end of a week - you send the diaries back to the Nielsen people, O who send the information to the TV networks, which send the Nielsen company, asnL tokens of their appreciation, dumpsters full of money.  "You may wish to useO this money to buy yourselves a fleet of Mercedes-Benzes," suggest the networks.o  O I found that one of the benefits of being a Nielsen family, besides the $2, washO that it gave me a chance to analyze my own personal viewing habits.  In keeping O the diary, I discovered that I prefer a category of television programming thateO can best be described as: "A Whole Bunch of Shows at the Same Time."  This kindeL of programming is made possible through the miracle of remote control, whichO enables you, if you have cable TV and a quick thumb, to watch, in less than onel minute:n  C         People committing adultery in designer clothing on "Dallas"g?         (THUMB), a televised Christian giving out his toll-freenB         number (THUMB), hilarious beer spokesdog "Spuds" MacKenzieA         (THUMB), a person on the 24-hour weather channel giving -i<         I swear - the forecast for the Soviet Union (THUMB),A         journalist Robin Leach whipping himself into a semisexuala@         frenzy at the sight of a rich person's bathroom (THUMB),B         people committing adultery in designer clothing on "FalconB         Crest" (THUMB), one of the numerous commercials that leave=         you with the strong impression that American business A         executives, who once pretty much ran the world, now spendh<         virtually all their time agonizing over what kind ofC         telephones to buy (THUMB), hilarious beer spokesdog "Spuds" C         MacKenzie (THUMB) (THUMB), Judge Wapner explaining, gently,eA         to a woman plaintiff that perhaps the reason she looks sozA         unattractive in her daughter's wedding pictures is not soo=         much because her dressmaker was incompetent, but moree@         because she is the size of Reno, Nev., (THUMB), clothing=         designers on "Knots Landing" committing adultery withc?         hilarious beer spokesdog "Spuds" MacKenzie (THWACK), my C         wife, who hates it when I do this, rendering me unconsciousi         with a wrench.  L Unfortunately, there was no way to list all these shows in the teensy spaces: provided in the Nielsen diary, so I left most of it blank.  I Anyway, having supplied my input to the TV industry, I now have these twodM dollars to spend any way I want.  I was going to use them to brighten the day O of a child I know, but the kinds of things that brighten his day cost a minimumoO of $79.95, not counting batteries, at the Toys "R," a Humongous Industry store.3$ So, I think I'll buy a beer instead.  L "Bartender," I'll say, "Give me a bottle of anything that is not represented' by popular spokesdog 'Spuds' MacKenzie.      -------d4 14 Jan 88 rst@Think.COM@mit-ccc, Found on USENET ... --366 chars; More?--     
e 
a& Found on the USENET group soc.singles:  ?   ...  The social rules are different at cocktail partys and ateK   orgies.  For instance, it is usually OK at parties to take photos withoutsF   permission, but I would dare say Miss Manners would not condone such   behavior at an orgy.  J The question, methinks, is whether cameras would be on her mind at all ... rsth  N 15 Jan 88 S Thomas McCormick <EN5.S-MCCORMICK@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU>, Orange Bowl --4601 chars; More?--a     
h 
e  2                     A topical storm at Orange Bowl  5                                         by Dave Barryn  E        Once again, the University of Miami Fighting Storm Systems areeK     poised to win the mythical national championship.  Once again, the eyes-H     of a national TV audience will be trained upon the men in orange andG     green.  And once again, the question on the mind of virtually everyo>     viewer will be: "Orange and GREEN?  Who picked THOSE out?"L        There will also probably be some interest in the outcome of the game.F     The Storm Systems are determined to make up for last season, when,I     despite the fact that they wore soldier outfits and boldly walked outrK     on a ceremonial steak fry, they were defeated in the Fiesta Bowl by thetH     Penn State Certified Public Accountants.  But the Systems face stiffH     opposition this season from another "hungry" team, the University ofE     Oklahoma, whose players have an equally burning desire to win thebI     mythical national championship, because it would mean that they wouldgJ     get invited to the White House, which would be yet another opportunity     to get out of Oklahoma..K        No, all kidding aside, I am sure that Oklahoma is a very fine state,?5     well deserving of its nickname, "The Dirt State."vJ        Ha ha!  Still just kidding.  The actual nickname of Oklahoma is, ofG     course, "The Sooner State," and there is a fascinating story behindvF     this nickname.  It seems that many years ago, some Oklahomans wereJ     sitting around and trying to come up with a nickname, but nobody couldI     think of a good one, so they decided to use "The Sooner State."  ThistF     is only one of a number (six) of fascinating Oklahoma facts, whichJ     unfortunately we cannot delve into here because we want to present theI     following highly technical and carefully researched discussion of howdB     the two Orange Bowl teams will match up, position by position:  C            (NOTE TO SPORTS DEPARTMENT: Put in some stuff here about'      "tailbackers," OK?  Thanks.)  J        But as revealing as this kind of "nuts and bolts" discussion is, weF     also have to consider the "intangibles."  The main intangible thisK     season is that both teams have a certain elusive quality that, for want I     of a better term, I will define as: "Everybody hates them."  Usually, K     when two teams clash in a big game, at least one of them is cast in the F     role of the good guy.  Notre Dame is an excellent example of this.G     Whenever Notre Dame plays, you'll notice that even the professional 5     sportscasters display subtle signs of favoritism:d  I        Brent Mushburger:  "Tim Brown has the ball for the Fighting Irish! H     He's at the 10!  The 20!  The 30!  The...Hey!  Some scuzzbag TACKLED     Tim Brown!" /        Ara Parseghian:  "I'll kill the S.O.B.!"i  I        But neither the Sooners nor the Storm Systems inspire this kind of K     loyalty.  You get the feeling that the rest of the nation would just as F     soon see the Orange Bowl called off because of a late-season tidalE     wave.  Oklahoma is unpopular because it spends most of the season-G     defeating schools with names like Southwest Northcentral MideasternJI     Arkansas College of Vegetable Husbandry by scores of 547-0.  Miami is I     unpopular because, well, because it's Miami, and it has been involveddJ     in a series of unfortunate incidents involving alleged unsportsmanlikeG     conduct, most recently in the South Carolina game, where the video-.K     tapes seem to indicate that a Miami player shot the Gamecocks' quarter-n0     back in the leg after the whistle had blown.B        The result of these indcidents is that various schools haveK     announced (after losing to Miami) that they are not going to play MiamimH     anymore.  They are going to form their own little conference, calledK     the Schools That Won't Play Against Miami, and at the end of the season.@     they will play a Weenie Bowl, and the winners will receive a>     congratulatory phone call from Vice President George Bush.H        But the heck with them, anyway.  We don't need them.  Because OURI     boys are playing for the mythical national championship, and when the.I     dust has settled Friday night, only one team will be triumphant.  AndtI     when, the next day, the AP and UPI poll voters sit down to mark their K     ballots, whatever their personal feelings may be, they will have littleeE     choice as to whom they name the nation's No. 1 team.  My guess is.     they'll go with Notre Dame.S  @              [from the San Jose Mercury News, December 30, 1987]        -------tK 20 Jan 88 S Thomas McCormick <EN5.S-MCCORMICK@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU>, tax times --4329 chars; More?--.     
  
   ;                 The Tax Man Cometh with a New Bag of Tricks   -                                 by Dave Barrye  A         [ Reprinted from the Boston Sunday Globe, Jan. 17, 1988 ]t    N Well, Mr. and Ms. Average Working Person, it's tax time again, and you will beL pleased to learn that, this year, thanks to Tax Reform, we have a completelyM new set of rules.  Nothing will be the same under Tax Reform.  Even your nameo will be different.  N By now, the Internal Revenue Service (Official Motto: "We Know You Are Lying")L should have sent you Form 102934834200-498HAHAHA83409, which explains how toG calculate your Tax Reform Name, using a formula based on one originallyaK developed for Shirley Ellis' 1964 hit song, "The Name Game."  My Tax ReformKD name is:  "Dave Dave Bo Bave, Banana Fanna Fo Fave, Fee Fie Mo Mave,H 098098-V868989."  I am required to use it in all correspondence with IRS  representatives, living or dead.  A Special Tax Tip:  If you have not yet received Form 102934834200-lI 498HAHAHA83409, you need to file Form 99-203BAZOO123-012313, "Request forhJ Replacement for Form 102934834200-498HAHAHA83409," which you may obtain byL going to either of the two convenient nationwide Taxpayer Assistance CentersJ and standing in line long enough for intelligent life to evolve from spit.  F How many other major changes will result from Tax Reform?  We can onlyO estimate, of course, but scientists tell us that the Tax Code undergoes severaloM hundred major changes every second.  This is why it is so difficult to defeat  the IRS in court:a  D         Your lawyer (picking up a volume of the Tax Code):  "And so,C         your honor, we have shown that my client did in fact complywH         with Regulation 1301.393, which states, and I quote ... My God!"  G         (As the court looks on in horror, the Tax Code starts to mutatemE         and grow; within seconds, it has enveloped your lawyer's arm,iG         Rolex and all, the way a Doberman pinscher envelops a Milk Boner         Flavor Snack.)  0         Your lawyer:  "No!  Help meeeeeeeee ..."  B         IRS lawyer (played by Vincent Price):  "Perhaps your honor@         would care to examine the relevant portion of the code?"  '         Judge:  "No!  Please!  Guilty."h  L So, Mr. and Ms. Average Working Person, you want to be very, very careful toL comply with every IRS regulation that you can conceive of, whether or not it exists in real life.  N What errors do taxpayers make most often in filling out their returns?  We putI that question to IRS Commissioner Lawrence "Lawrence Lawrence Bo BawrencetJ Banana Fanna Fo Fawrence Fee Fie Mo Mawrence 32-4092-40-1239-X" Gibbs, whoK responded by playfully jabbing us in the eyeball with his cattle prod.  So, I we're going to just lie down for a moment while you read these answers tot common taxpayer questions:  J Q.  Thirty-seven years ago, my husband was on a freighter that sank in theJ North Atlantic.  Everyone aboard was presumed drowned, and he was declaredN legally dead, and I have since remarried.  But, what if he didn't drown?  WhatN if he managed to swim to a deserted island and has survived all this time in aM crude structure made from flotsam, eating jellyfish, thinking about his lovedtO ones and hoping against hope that, somehow, someday, he would be rescued?  DoesIK that mean I should declare his flotsam as part of my income, using SchedulelM EFIPNFHH-1066, Estimated Flotsam Income of a Possibly Nonexistent Former Heada
 of Household?    A.  Of course.  K Q.  Does talented actress Shirley MacLaine have a different Social Securitya' number for each of her past identities?f  L A.  Yes, she does, and they all must file tax returns, which is why she mustM charge people $300 each to attend seminars wherein she says things that wouldsJ get a less-talented person such as yourself hustled off to the fruit farm.  O Q.  Recently, the IRS sent me a computer-generated letter stating that I failedeN to file my tax return for the year 3708.  This is obviously an error, and I amO wondering if the easiest way to straighten it out would be to swallow a cyanidenH capsule or to simply hurl myself off the roof of the World Trade Center.  N A.  We recommend the latter route, because there is always the chance that you' might land on talented actor Sean Penn.o  H Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?  Call the convenientA toll-free IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line number, 1-800-AUDIT-ME.      -------i BBoard>c BBoard     
e 
o   ------------------------------    ... Exiting digest B 14 Aug 87 Jonathan L Burstein <CC4.JL-BURSTEIN@CU20D.COLUMBIA.EDU> Dr. Who marathon --126 chars; More?--     
  
t% this saturday (8/15/87), six hours off= Dr. Who on channel 21 (cable channel "R" sometimes) afternoonc and evening. -------iL 15 Aug 87 Dave Steiner (Temp. Moderator) <SF-Lovers-Request@red.rutgers.edu> SF-LOVERS Digest   V12 #356e --16991 chars; More?--    Entering digest ...     
t 
i  F SF-LOVERS Digest        Saturday, 15 Aug 1987    Volume 12 : Issue 356   Today's Topics:g8             Administrivia - SF-Lovers Party at Worldcon,6                     Films - The Quiet Earth (5 msgs) &-                             Aliens (3 msgs) &n/                             Robocop & The Thing,  F ----------------------------------------------------------------------  =  14 August 1987, 11:15:08 EDT Nicholas Simicich <NJS@ibm.com>m SF-Lovers Party at Worldcon.N --742 chars; More?--zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz   Effective 15 August 87   Announcing new IN-WATS lines:b  E Those Field Test sites in the continental U.S., except New Hampshire,a% may now call FTDIAL (this system) at:              1-800-332-4941       Z


m&   Type one of:  MAIL, LOGOUT, PASSWORD'   (You may abbreviate to one character)M     What would you like to do? m/ <
[K
<
[K[H[J\
7[1;24r8\(B[m>\
  You have 2 new messages.   [23;1f[KCommand >  
M[K\Command > NEXTq [24;1f[K
7[5;23r8\[H[J\
From: ARK::RANDAL "MKO1-2/L02 DTN:264-7923"        Date: 18-Apr-88 3:09 PM  #2 Nn To: FTDIAL::ST_PETERSa" Subject: Ans. to qar on BACKUP/DIR  .                                  D I G I T A L  .                                   QAR Response         Subject:  QAR 6077  +      Software:  RSTS/E V9.6-04 (Field Test)i                 BACKUP        Problem Statement:n  K           When using the BACKUP/DIR command to examine the  contents  of  afK           BACKUP  set,  files  with  a  clustersize  of 256 are reported ass3           having a clustersize of 0 in the listing.i        Response:  !           Thank you for your QAR.oD 7[23;1f[K(B[m\
[K(B[m\
[1mPress RETURN for more...[m\ 
M[K8
M\
H           This problem has been corrected for the final release of V9.6. 7[1;24r8\(B[m>\
  [23;1f[KCommand >  
M[K\Command > NEXTf 7[5;23r8\[H[J\
From: ARK::RANDAL "MKO1-2/L02 DTN:264-7923"        Date: 18-Apr-88 3:17 PM  #3 N To: FTDIAL::ST_PETERSo" Subject: Ans. to qar on crash sys.  .                                  D I G I T A L  .                                   QAR Response         Subject:  QAR 6183  (      Software:  RSTS/E V9.6 (Field Test)                  Terminal Service        Problem Statement:y  K           A system without MSCP support fails during system startup with  aeK           '??Memory  management  violation'  crash  code.  The crash occursnK           during the SET TERMINAL command execution in START.COM.   When  IiK           rebooted  and answered 'NO' to 'Continue with system startup' andtI           issued the SET TERM manually, the system halted in console ODT!y        Response:D 7[23;1f[K(B[m\
[K(B[m\
[1mPress RETURN for more...[m\ 
M[K8
M\
!           Thank you for your QAR.e  K           The following patch will correct the problem  described  in  youreC           QAR.  Please install this patch in all your V9.6-06 sils.a             File to patch?             Module name? KIN"           Base address? TERAUT@OVR           Offset address? 566r&            Base   Offset  Old     New?'           ??????  000566  016001  ? 137 1           ??????  000570  ??????  ? PATCH@RSTS+36h&           ??????  000572  132761  ? ^Z           Offset address? ^Z           Base address? ^Z           Module name? RSTS D 7[23;1f[K(B[m\
[K(B[m\
[1mPress RETURN for more...[m\+ 
M[K8
M\
          Base address? PATCHe           Offset address? 36&            Base   Offset  Old     New?)           ??????  000036  000000  ? 16001 *           ??????  000040  000000  ? DEV.KB*           ??????  000042  000000  ? 132761%           ??????  000044  000000  ? 1h%           ??????  000046  000000  ? 2p)           ??????  000050  000000  ? BNE+2a'           ??????  000052  000000  ? 137,2           ??????  000054  000000  ? TERAUT@OVR+572'           ??????  000056  000000  ? 137p2           ??????  000060  000000  ? TERAUT@OVR+646&           ??????  000062  ??????  ? ^C  K           This problem will be corrected in source for the final Field Testg           Update.  
M\
7[1;24r8\(B[m>\
2 [23;1f[KCommand > ex 7[r8(B[m>\
w What would you like to do? l  + Thanks for your comments and/or complaints.a  7 Saved all disk files on SY: 446 blocks in use, 554 freeh7 Job 2 User 90,56 logged off KB11: at 18-Apr-88 04:57 PMp# System u/RSTS V2.2 FMicro/RSTS V2.2o Run time was 30.7 secondsr Elapsed time was 1 minutem Good afternoon           ,	Xh
 NO CARRIER 
t7 Welcome to the SPC Academic Computer Center Data Switchc 
v   enter class spcvxa   class startd 
  + Welcome to SPCVXA.STPETERS.EDU (VAX-11/780)i   
Username: TERRY 
Password: e6         Welcome to VAX/VMS version V4.7 on node SPCVXA7     Last interactive login on Monday, 18-APR-1988 03:26iB     Last non-interactive login on Saturday, 16-APR-1988 03:38
Z>   Notice:s2   The systems will be down from 9:00 AM until noon3   on the second Thursday of each month for service.e   Please remember:    Keep the terminal area neat...!   Type "BYE" when you are done...t1   Eating, drinking, and smoking are prohibited...n0   Report any broken terminals to the operator...  * Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. 					-- H. G. Wells    
$ sd sys$system     SYS$SYSROOT:[SYSEXE]
h   
$ run authorize UAF> sho u252009  C Username: U252009                          Owner:  Muriel T. GmitroiL Account:  U252                             UIC:    [252,11] ([U252,U252009])L CLI:      DCL                              Tables: SYS$LIBRARY:DCLTABLES.EXE" Default:  DUA0:[STUDENT.U252.D815] LGICMD:   LOGINd
 Login Flags: e+ Primary days:   Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri         + Secondary days:                     Sat Suna No access restrictionsD Expiration:            (none)    Pwdminimum:  6   Login Fails:     0? Pwdlifetime:        180 00:00    Pwdchange:  21-JAN-1988 23:21 tP Last Login: 15-APR-1988 08:31 (interactive), 16-APR-1988 03:41 (non-interactive): 
Maxjobs:         1  Fillm:        50  Bytlm:        400009 Maxacctjobs:     0  Shrfillm:      0  Pbytlm:           0s9 Maxdetach:       0  BIOlm:        18  JTquota:       1024i9 Prclm:           0  DIOlm:        18  WSdef:          200o9 Prio:            4  ASTlm:        24  WSquo:          500 9 Queprio:         0  TQElm:        10  WSextent:      1000i9 CPU:    0 00:10:00  Enqlm:       100  Pgflquo:       8192l Authorized Privileges:     TMPMBX NETMBX< Default Privileges:    TMPMBX NETMBXa UAF> ex B 
%UAF-I-NOMODS, no modifications made to system authorization file: %UAF-I-RDBNOMODS, no modifications made to rights database 
$ loD5 
  TERRY        logged out at 18-APR-1988 17:10:08.92i     Accounting information: D   Buffered I/O count:          136      Peak working set size:   415D   Direct I/O count:             55      Peak page file size:     953D   Page faults:                1061      Mounted volumes:           0H   Charged CPU time:     0 00:00:04.55   Elapsed time:     0 00:00:39.34
 
"	 (click)
e    7 Welcome to the SPC Academic Computer Center Data Switchg 
.   enter class spc11b   class startd   
a	 (click)
a    7 Welcome to the SPC Academic Computer Center Data Switch  
f   enter class spc11b   class startc m  ( Welcome to RSTS/E V9.6-06 on node SPC11B  B RSTS V9.6-06 SPC11B.SPC.EDU Job 7 <Switch> KB11 18-Apr-88 05:11 PM User: terrya
 Password: / Last logged in on 18-Apr-88, 03:35 AM at KB127:a  ! Z

Special memo for instructors:h  6 Please be certain to delete any student accounts which% have expired. We need the disk space!s  D Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.  
 SPC11B::$ byea. Saved all disk files on SY: 8640 blocks in use7 Job 7 User 1,254 logged off KB11: at 18-Apr-88 05:12 PMs" System RSTS V9.6-06 SPC11B.SPC.EDU Run time was 8.1 seconds Elapsed time was 1 minutea Good afternoon   
.	 (click)
l   atdt8+8243044
 CONNECT 2400  $ please type your terminal identifier
 -5627:01-003-g please log in: decus  E inter-link established from TYMNET - BOSTON, MA. to TSN - BOSTON, MA.t please log in: decuserve P  7 DCRV IS ON LINE     6 DECUServe:  Access is for subscribed individuals only.  G By logging into the system you agree to abide by the Canons of Conduct.i   
Username: KENNEDY 
Password: n  ) 		W e l c o m e   t o   D E C U S e r v e    			where DECUS meets daily!l  B >>>  Current DECUServe members should *NOT* fill out the DECUScope? >>>  application - you will get a renewal application in April.   7     Last interactive login on Monday, 18-APR-1988 03:01h=     Last non-interactive login on Thursday, 10-MAR-1988 00:46e  " 	    You have 1 new Mail message.      P ================================================================================?     The system will be coming down at 07:00 on Friday mornings y6                 for image backups of the system disk. <            The system should be back online at approx 08:00.P ================================================================================   
Z> ) %DCL-S-SPAWNED, process KENNEDY_1 spawnedvD   User [DECUSERVE_EXEC,KENNEDY] has 537 blocks used, 4463 available,B   of 5000 authorized and permitted overdraft of 100 blocks on DUA0#           VAX/VMS Interactive Users "            18-APR-1988 17:12:25.30)     Total number of interactive users = 4c  0  Username     Process Name      PID     Terminal<  BRYANT_J     BRYANT_J        00000716  VTA421:        TXB2:=  KENNEDY      Terry Kennedy   0000071D  VTA425:        LTA48:o<  MCGRATH      MCGRATH         0000070E  VTA416:        TXB1:<  WYSOCKI      WYSOCKI         00000710  VTA417:        TXB0: 
$ mai )0[4l=)0[4l You have 1 new message.i   
MAIL> sf [1;24r[1;1H[;H[2J
    #1          18-APR-1988 14:11:11                                     NEWMAIL6 
From:	EISNER::NADEL        "Ron Nadel (805) 257-5025" To:	KENNEDYn Subj:	Notanon buttonsb  ) Are there any buttons left from Anaheim?     Ron Nadel D/7014, B/229, P/2  ! Lockheed Aeronautical Systems Co.n 25100 Rye Canyon Road  Saugus, Calif.  91350a   Thanks  
 
MAIL> ans 
To:	EISNER::NADEL Subj:	RE: Notanon buttons H Enter your message below. Press CTRL/Z when complete, or CTRL/C to quit:% Yes - I'll send one in a fwq  ew e$ Subprocess KENNEDY_1 has completed" Yes - I'll send one in a few days. 7[7m Exit [m8   + Press RETURN to return to reading your maile  	 
MAIL> exm >
$ not[m[?3l\[0m[20l)0=[?6l[?7l[?8h[24;H[24;H[J[2;H[K[3;H[m)0qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq(B[m[4;H                        [;7m VAX Notes Computer Conferencing [K[5;H[m                         Enter the command HELP for help[K[6;H[m)0qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq(B[m[7;H[JB M[4;H                        Directory of Notebook class MAIN[K [Kd [K[7;H[;7m Entry Name           Unseen  Last new note     Topics  Update status           [m[4;H[8;H[J CONFERENCE_OF_CONFER      0  17-APR-1988 20:39     46  h    [2A DEC_SOFTWARE              2  18-APR-1988 13:48     62  [K[8;24r[10;H[L FUTURES_IN_REAL-TIME      0   1-APR-1988 01:26     13  [11;H[L HARDWARE_HELP             0  14-APR-1988 16:31    119  [K[12;H[L LATEST_RELEASE_INFOR      2  18-APR-1988 13:49     87  [13;H[L LOCAL_HAPPENINGS          0  12-APR-1988 18:11     17  [K[14;H[L NETWORKING                3  18-APR-1988 16:09     87  [15;H[L NEW_CONFERENCE_IDEAS      0  17-APR-1988 20:44     62  [K[16;H[L RSX                       0  17-APR-1988 19:52     69  [17;H[L RT11                      0  17-APR-1988 19:52     11  [K[18;H[L SOAPBOX                   2  18-APR-1988 16:06     73  [19;H[L SPRING_88_SYMPOSIUM       0  12-APR-1988 07:04     11  [K[20;H[L SPR_DIRECTORY             0  17-APR-1988 19:53     23  [21;H[L STANDARDS                 0  17-APR-1988 19:53     11  [K[22;H[L SWAP_MEET                 0  17-APR-1988 20:44      7  [23;H[L[15A>[23;H VAX_NOTES_UTILITY         0  17-APR-1988 19:53     74  [K[24;H[;7m More... [K[8;H[;24r[2;H[K[6B[16B[2;H[mOpening conference EISNER::DEC_SOFTWARE[K[24;H[4;HNote 51.9                   [;7m VTX APMS Dynamic Menus [m                    [;7m 9 of 9 [5;H[mEISNER::DROPPERS "Seton Droppers PBS:(703)739-5100"  22 lines  18-APR-1988 13:07[6;H[m)0qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq(B[m[7;H[J                         -< Programmers still needed >-  A >    Also, since the inclusion of VISTA, the "skilled programmer"r. >    is no longer a reality for many projects.     E     The skilled programmer seems to be needed with VTX to provide anyfG     sort of automatic update capability.  We are still trying to figuredJ     out how to update and purge an infobase that presents 80 new messages,D     each genereating two or more VTX "pages" of data, each day.  OurJ     analysis is that if you have an application that matches VTXs intended6     use (rather closely) you may be OK, otherwise not.     F     Our other observation is that VTX, with VALU, is difficult for theG     average ALL-IN-1 user to use.  It is NOT simply a matter of sendingeB     an ALL-IN-1 document to a special queue.  The document must beC     formatted for VTX within ALL-IN-1, and then when the queued job G     has completed then the user must perform some more steps.  We spent  [;7m 7 more lines... [7;H[7;24r[6B[;24r[2;H[mDEC Software Conference, Please use product name for TOPIC Title[K[7;H[1;H[K[1J[1;HNotes> [2;H[K[5B[17B    several weeks of ALL-IN-1 integration effort and still came up with[K
[7;24r[24;H
.     a less than satisfactory interface.[24;H
     [24;H
eI     (Since I have started it, I will open another topic on VTX and[24;H
e6     programmers in the conference, look for it)[24;H
     [24;H
L     Seton[24;H
<[;7m End of note 
[1;8H[m[24;H[;24r[4;HNote 62.0                  [;7m VTX: Problems we have had [m              [;7m No replies [24;H[5;H[mEISNER::DROPPERS "Seton Droppers PBS:(703)739-5100"  65 lines  18-APR-1988 13:48[24;H[7;H[J    This topic is being opened to allow discussion on VAX/VTX and someJ     of its shortcomings.  I am starting a new topic so that we can diverge3     from the APMS topic and the previous VTX topic.r          Programmers Still Needed:w     D     As I pointed out in the VTX/APMS and dynamic menus topic we haveD     found that programmers are still needed.  We have an applicationC     where we add about 80 clusters of VTX pages to an infobase eachoG     day.  We have a batch job that does this, and it took several weeksmF     of programmer effort to develop something that would take an ASCIIF     text file and convert insert it into the VTX infobase, with proper     VTX page headers etc.e          ALL-IN-1 Integration Isn't     G     We have also spent several programmer weeks attempting to integratee [;7m 48 more lines... [7;H[7;24r[6B[1;8H[m[;24r[2;H[K[5B[17B    the VALU portion of VTX, using the supplied VTX queue interface,[K
[7;24r[24;H
lL     into ALL-IN-1.  We find a much higher level of skill is needed to[24;H
M     use the system, even after this effort, than the average secretary[24;H
tJ     or writer in our company has.  Most users can create a memo and[24;H
Q     send it from ALL-IN-1 (All of two menu selections, fill in the blanks,[24;H
r;     write the memo).  It is not that simple for VTX.[24;H
.     [24;H
c     Design Constraints:[24;H
     [24;H
aR     It is very difficult to use the system except in the narrow constraints[24;H
L     that it is designed for.  Even the technical sales (are there any[24;H
N     such) people did not seem to realize the constraints of the system.[24;H
L     We spent a good deal of time explaining to them what we wanted to[24;H
K     do, showed them the existing data, etc.  They said that we could[24;H
 J     build a system from VTX that would do it (see above, 80 sets of[24;H
H     pages or so generated every day) and that we would not need a[24;H
 [;7m 32 more lines... 
[1;8H[m[;24r[2;H[K[22B    significant programming effort to do so.  (They did NOT suggest[K
[7;24r[24;H
?&     we look into VALU, either.)[24;H
     [24;H
iN     One example of the design constraint we found is that the DCL level[24;H
J     commands do NOT return a status, other than SS$NORMAL.  It does[24;H
L     not matter that the command failed to update the infobase or not,[24;H
M     you get normal status return.  You cannot get a log file from them[24;H
-O     either.  We SPRd this and DEC suggested we run the update as a batch[24;H
DL     job, and look, by HAND, at each and every batch log to see if the[24;H
     update took place![24;H
z     [24;H
z!     Parenthetical Comment:[24;H
5     [24;H
 L     I think a lot can be said about the VTX interface and the ease of[24;H
K     entering items if one takes a look over at the OASIS system.  It[24;H
 P     uses VTX for some items, and I know one of the problems about getting[24;H
 [;7m 16 more lines... 
[1;8H[m[;24r[2;H[K[22B    a system going is getting the "up front" work done.  But, the last[K
[7;24r[24;H
L     time I checked, no new information as been put in the VTX section[24;H
K     since it was started.  I bet that they could find someone to put[24;H
 K     the time in to writing the information if it wasn't so difficult[24;H
      to get it into VTX.[24;H
 [24;H
 M     We have found some good uses for it, however.  Such as the company[24;H
 L     purchasing manual.  It was more dificult than it should have been[24;H
K     to impliment (the writer should have been able to simple specify[24;H
eJ     a special menu selection and have the document automaticly jump[24;H
N     into VTX..., see above about ALL-IN-1).  It seems that the searches[24;H
L     are nice and quick.  It seems to run and present the information.[24;H
     [24;H
P-     Well, someone else can carry on...[24;H
      [24;H
p     Seton[24;H
[;7m End of note 
[1;8H[m[;24r[2;H[K[22B[2;HNo more replies[K[24;H[1;8H[2;H[K[1;8H[24;H[2;HNo more new notes[K[24;H[1;8Hope [Klat[2;H[K[22B[2;HOpening conference EISNER::LATEST_RELEASE_INFORMATION[K[24;H[4;HNote 5.30                             [;7m VMS [m                             30 of 31[24;H[5;HEISNER::NADEL "S. Freud"                             10 lines  18-APR-1988 13:47[24;H[7;H[J                             -< Cluster things... >-e  G     The only thing I have heard is that you need to instal the securitylG     patch to vms 4.7.  You might check over at the SECURITY conference,iC     topic 10.  There is an improvement with this release that wouldAH     be of interest to a cluster manager, the REPLY/ALL/NODE=   now worksC     as advertised, but the the SHOW CLUSTER CONTINUOUS utilty stilleE     has some bugs in it (like you still can include any MOVE commands:D     in a called command procedure).  The SHUTDOWN REMOVE_NODE option)     does NOT work as advertised either.  o     4     Did you have any trouble with your installation? [;7m End of note   [14A[7;24r[6B[;24r[2;H[mTimely information on the latest software releases[K[7;H[1;H[K[1J[1;HNotes> [2;H[K[5B[12B[4;HNote 5.31                             [;7m VMS [m                           [;7m 31 of 31 [19;H[5;H[mEISNER::NADEL "S. Freud"                              2 lines  18-APR-1988 13:49[19;H[7;H[J                      -< A note to myself (just a slip) >-a  E     That last note should have read that you still CANNOT include any[H     MOVE commands in a SHOW CLUSTER CONTINUOUS command procedure, sorry. [;7m End of note   [6A[7;24r[6B[1;8H[m[11;H[;24r[2;HNo more new notes[K[11;H[1;8Hope [Knet[2;H[K[9B[2;HOpening conference EISNER::DEC_NETWORKING[K[11;H[4;HNote 86.2                  [;7m Need D/N11M+ v4.0 help... [m                  [;7m 2 of 2 [11;H[5;H[mEISNER::PERRY "Bob (Sky Scum) Perry"                  8 lines  18-APR-1988 12:56[11;H[7;H[J                         -< Update on the jproblem... >-            C         I have found that by loading the driver into a lower memory0K     location the system will stay up. It's definately not hardware related, E     unless there's something real peculiar about Andromeda 1MB memorygE     boards. I have verified that the memory is ok. I , also, now havenD     a running system with DecNet with the driver loaded into a lower'     memory location. Any ideas, anyone?a [;7m End of note   N[12A[7;24r[6B[;24r[2;H[K[5B[1;H[K[1J[1;H[mNotes> [17;H[4;HNote 87.0             [;7m Need additional DECNet-RSX help... [m               1 reply[17;H[5;HEISNER::PERRY "Bob (Sky Scum) Perry"                  4 lines  18-APR-1988 13:46[17;H[7;H[J    Does anyone have the procedure written down for incorporating theJ     DECNet startup into the RSX system image? I figure it requires guttingD     out the NETINS.CMD file, but the documentation is really lacking*     as to what you really need to include. [;7m End of note   %[6A[7;24r[6B[1;8H[m[11;H[;24r[4;HNote 87.1             [;7m Need additional DECNet-RSX help... [m              [;7m 1 of 1 [11;H[5;H[mEISNER::NORTON "Bill Norton"                          2 lines  18-APR-1988 16:09[11;H[7;H[J                             -< Look in the book >-r  D     See page 9-8 of the Network Generation and Installation Guide...      [;7m End of note   [6A[7;24r[6B[1;8H[m[11;H[;24r[2;HNo more new notes[K[11;H[1;8Hope [Ksoa[2;H[K[9B[2;HOpening conference EISNER::SOAPBOX[K[11;H[4;HNote 73.5          [;7m Second NOTES Anonymous (NOTANON!) meeting [m            5 of 6[11;H[5;HEISNER::NADEL "S. Freud"                              2 lines  18-APR-1988 13:56[11;H[7;H[J                           -< Recovering notes user >-O  I     I too would be interested.  It would be my first meeting. Can someone @     tell me where to look to get more information on this topic? [;7m End of note   V[6A[7;24r[6B[;24r[2;H[K[5B[1;H[K[1J[1;H[mNotes> [2;H[K[5B[4B[4;HNote 73.6          [;7m Second NOTES Anonymous (NOTANON!) meeting [m          [;7m 6 of 6 [11;H[5;H[mEISNER::BYRNE_C "Charlie Byrne, Freeport NY"         10 lines  18-APR-1988 16:06[11;H[7;H[J                     -< There's PLENTY of talk about this >-  . >    < Note 73.5 by EISNER::NADEL "S. Freud" >7 >                           -< Recovering notes user >-S >:J >    I too would be interested.  It would be my first meeting. Can someoneA >    tell me where to look to get more information on this topic?   C     Notes 25.* in this conference will give you more info on Noterss7     Anonymous than you would probably ever care to see!c  
     - Charlies [;7m End of note   a [14A[7;24r[6B[1;8H[m[19;H[;24r[2;HNo more new notes[K[19;H[1;8Hcl[2;H[K[17B[7;H[J F M[2A[4;H                        Directory of Notebook class MAIN[K [K  [K[7;H[;7m Entry Name           Unseen  Last new note     Topics  Update status           [m[4;H[8;H[J CONFERENCE_OF_CONFER      0  17-APR-1988 20:39     46  o    [2A DEC_SOFTWARE              0  18-APR-1988 13:48     62  [K[10;H[L FUTURES_IN_REAL-TIME      0   1-APR-1988 01:26     13  [11;H[L HARDWARE_HELP             0  14-APR-1988 16:31    119  [K[12;H[L LATEST_RELEASE_INFOR      0  18-APR-1988 13:49     87  [13;H[L LOCAL_HAPPENINGS          0  12-APR-1988 18:11     17  [K[14;H[L NETWORKING                0  18-APR-1988 16:09     87  [15;H[L NEW_CONFERENCE_IDEAS      0  17-APR-1988 20:44     62  [K[16;H[L RSX                       0  17-APR-1988 19:52     69  [17;H[L RT11                      0  17-APR-1988 19:52     11  [K[18;H[L SOAPBOX                   0  18-APR-1988 16:06     73  [19;H[L SPRING_88_SYMPOSIUM       0  12-APR-1988 07:04     11  [K[20;H[L SPR_DIRECTORY             0  17-APR-1988 19:53     23  [21;H[L STANDARDS                 0  17-APR-1988 19:53     11  [K[22;H[L SWAP_MEET                 0  17-APR-1988 20:44      7  [23;H[L[5A>[23;H VAX_NOTES_UTILITY         0  17-APR-1988 19:53     74  [K[24;H[;7m More... [K[8;H[8;24r[7B[;24r[1;H[K[1J[1;H[mNotes> [2;H[K[6B[16B[9A>[18;H [24;H WHO_AM_I                  1  18-APR-1988 14:44    144  [K[8;24r[24;H
r[;7m End of requested listing 
[1;8H[mope [Kwho[;24r[2;H[K[22B[2;HOpening conference EISNER::WHO_AM_I[K[24;H[4;HNote 144.0                      [;7m John Zimmerman  [m                   [;7m No replies [5;H[mEISNER::ZIMMERMAN "John Z"                           22 lines  18-APR-1988 14:36[6;H[m)0qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq(B[m[7;H[JMy name is John Zimmerman. I have been involved with DECUS for  : the past 5 years in a number of incarnations: NE regional B symposium steering committee and DEC Liason, NLO, and I presently A am the VAX SIG working group columnist for the pageswapper (If I yB ever can get the WG chairs to answer my mail or return my calls). A I have been using DEC equipment since 1972  ( a PDP-8e with only hA paper tape for input), and have been in and out of the DEC world =
 since then.  =  B I am now working as the systems persone for CORSTAR, a DEC OEM in 7 the NY Metro area.  We use and sell VAX's in all their 3: incarnations.  In addition to the daily drudge, I am very ; involved with politics (as of April I am only working on 3 e? campaigns) and with public environmental policy issues for the b city of Stamford, CT.      [;7m 5 more lines... [7;H[7;24r[6B[;24r[2;H[mPlease use your name as the title of your note[K[7;H[1;H[K[1J[1;HNotes> [2;H[K[5B[17BI can be reached at work at:[K
[7;24r[24;H
C 50 Saw Mill River Rd[24;H
6 Hawthorne, NY 10532[24;H
 914-347-2700[24;H
0$ or via DCS username ZIMMERMAN[24;H
d [;7m End of note 
[1;8H[m[24;H[;24r[2;HNo more new notes[K[24;H[1;8Hcl[2;H[K[22B[7;H[JF M[6A[4;H                        Directory of Notebook class MAIN[K [K  [K[7;H[;7m Entry Name           Unseen  Last new note     Topics  Update status           [m[4;H[8;H[J CONFERENCE_OF_CONFER      0  17-APR-1988 20:39     46  u    [2A DEC_SOFTWARE              0  18-APR-1988 13:48     62  [K[10;H[L FUTURES_IN_REAL-TIME      0   1-APR-1988 01:26     13  [11;H[L HARDWARE_HELP             0  14-APR-1988 16:31    119  [K[12;H[L LATEST_RELEASE_INFOR      0  18-APR-1988 13:49     87  [13;H[L LOCAL_HAPPENINGS          0  12-APR-1988 18:11     17  [K[14;H[L NETWORKING                0  18-APR-1988 16:09     87  [15;H[L NEW_CONFERENCE_IDEAS      0  17-APR-1988 20:44     62  [K[16;H[L RSX                       0  17-APR-1988 19:52     69  [17;H[L RT11                      0  17-APR-1988 19:52     11  [K[18;H[L SOAPBOX                   0  18-APR-1988 16:06     73  [19;H[L SPRING_88_SYMPOSIUM       0  12-APR-1988 07:04     11  [K[20;H[L SPR_DIRECTORY             0  17-APR-1988 19:53     23  [21;H[L STANDARDS                 0  17-APR-1988 19:53     11  [K[22;H[L SWAP_MEET                 0  17-APR-1988 20:44      7  [23;H[L[15A>[23;H VAX_NOTES_UTILITY         0  17-APR-1988 19:53     74  [K[24;H[;7m More... [K[8;H[8;24r[7B[;24r[2;H[K[6B[16B[2;H[mRSTS_AND_BASIC set as your current class[K[24;H[4;H                   Directory of Notebook class RSTS_AND_BASIC[K [K1 [K[7;H[;7m Entry Name           Unseen  Last new note     Topics  Update status           [m[24;H[8;H[J FUTURES_RSTS              0  17-APR-1988 19:52     36      [2A OS_RSTS                   0  17-APR-1988 19:52     40  [K[10;H[L PDP_BASIC                 0   1-APR-1988 00:06     22  [11;H[L[3A>[11;H[;7m End of requested listing [K[8;H[8;24r[7B[;24r[1;H[K[1J[1;H[mNotes> cl[2;H[K[6B[3B[1;H[K[1J[1;HNotes> set [Kcl [Kvax_stuff[2;H[K[9B[2;HVAX_STUFF set as your current class[K[11;H[4;H                      Directory of Notebook class VAX_STUFF[K1 [K [K[7;H[;7m Entry Name           Unseen  Last new note     Topics  Update status           [m[11;H[8;H[J 3RD_PARTY_VMS_SOFTWA      0   7-APR-1988 21:14     24      V[2A LARGE_SYSTEMS             0  17-APR-1988 19:24     10  [K[10;H[L MICROVAX_SYSTEMS          1  18-APR-1988 06:30     51  [11;H[L PUBLIC_DOMAIN_SOFTWA      2  18-APR-1988 16:21     31  [K[12;H[L SECURITY                  2  18-APR-1988 07:45     12  [13;H[L[5A>[13;H VMS                       0  17-APR-1988 19:53    187  [K[14;H[L[;7m End of requested listing [8;H[8;24r[7B[;24r[1;H[K[1J[1;H[mNotes> ope [Km[2;H[K[6B[6B[2;HOpening conference EISNER::MICROVAX_SYSTEMS[K[14;H[4;HNote 21.7         [;7m Thinwire to thickwire Ethernet connections [m          [;7m 7 of 7 [5;H[mEISNER::COAR "Persiflagineous pnambticoid"            7 lines  18-APR-1988 06:30[6;H[m)0qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq(B[m[7;H[J                              -< Another thought >-  D     Of course, you could also take the terminator cap off one end ofG     an H4080 test module, screw on a thick-to-thin adapter (part number D     unknown), and voila!  you have an H4091.  This is supported, andG     I use one myself.  However, I'm not a real network heavy, so pleaset2     excuse me if I've confused the numbers...  ;-)          #ken        :-)} [;7m End of note   [11A[7;24r[6B[;24r[2;H[mMicroVAX/VAXstation Forum[K[7;H[1;H[K[1J[1;HNotes> [2;H[K[1;8H[16;H[2;HNo more new notes[K[16;H[1;8Hope [Kpu[2;H[K[14B[2;HOpening conference EISNER::VAX_PUBLIC_DOMAIN_SOFTWARE[K[16;H[4;HNote 30.2                [;7m Any FORTRAN Pretty Printers? [m                   2 of 3[16;H[5;HEISNER::BINGHAM                                      27 lines  18-APR-1988 14:02[16;H[7;H[J                               -< use the index >-   I >        There was one a SIG tape 2-3 years ago called FPRETTY, sorry but & >    I have no more details than that.  C         Assuming that is so look at the [vax000.index] directory on
C     a tape less than two years old.  Search the largest file on the[I     directory (index.lis, I believe) for the string FPRETTY.  That should D     tell you what tape FPRETTY is on.  While you are there you mightC     want to search on other strings, say FORTRAN, PRETTY, to see ifh;     there are other programs that might do pretty printing.o  F         Only about half of the tapes have an index of the current tapeG     but most have an index of preceeding tapes.  If you have a specificgC     name to look for the index should help you find it and if it isdC     not there yo can be pretty sure that the program was never on aeC     VAX SIG Tape.  If you don't have a file name the index is stillT [;7m 12 more lines... [7;H[7;24r[6B[;24r[2;H[mVAX PD SOFTWARE[K[7;H[1;H[K[1J[1;HNotes> [2;H[K[5B[17B    helpfull but harder to use and less conclusive.  If you can't find[K
[7;24r[24;H
tL     something you think should be there check the noise word listing.[24;H
     [24;H
gJ         A few if the indices are in a compressed format.  The first[24;H
Q     time I did that I verified that the expansion program worked correctly[24;H
BU     but Glenn Everhart had some problems with the compression and/or expansion[24;H
4M     program when he was putting together the Fall 1987 tape.  As think[24;H
;J     he suspects the C run-time libaray.  So, if you need to use the[24;H
O     compression/expansion programs and run into problems maybe switching[24;H

B     to an old version of CRTLIB will straighten things out.[24;H
     [24;H
H     Joe Bingham[24;H
1[;7m End of note 
[1;8H[m[;24r[2;H[K[22B[4;HNote 30.3                [;7m Any FORTRAN Pretty Printers? [m                 [;7m 3 of 3 [24;H[5;H[mEISNER::HASSINGER "Bob Hassinger"                     9 lines  18-APR-1988 16:21[24;H[7;H[J                             -< Try 82B or 83B... >-e  G     I don't have the indexes on-line right now but I do have the masternJ     AAAREADMEs from 81B through 87B available.  A quick SEARCH turned up aI     reference to FPRETTY in [VAX82B.SDC.FPRETTY] and another reference inuI     [VAX83B.FERMILAB] although it indicates it is an unmodified copy of a)E     submission "from an earlier tape".  A scan of what I have on lineE     for 79 through 81 shows no other reference so these are likely toi     be the same package.     
     Bob H  [;7m End of note   [13A[7;24r[6B[1;8H[m[18;H[;24r[2;HNo more new notes[K[18;H[1;8Hope [Ks[2;H[K[16B[2;HOpening conference EISNER::SECURITY[K[18;H[4;HNote 8.28             [;7m DEC's "Trusted Distribution" Policy [m             28 of 29[18;H[5;HEISNER::COAR "Persiflagineous pnambticoid"            7 lines  18-APR-1988 06:35[18;H[7;H[J                                -< Side-effect >-d  K     I believe that one of the side effects of the new patch is the breaking H     of auto-login on workstations unless the first login was privileged.1     I've seen this, but now I can't reproduce it.h     7     Remember, don't flame at me - I'm just warning you.2          #ken        :-)} [;7m End of note   m[11A[7;24r[6B[;24r[2;H[mSECURITY Conference[K[7;H[1;H[K[1J[1;HNotes> [2;H[K[5B[9B[4;HNote 8.29             [;7m DEC's "Trusted Distribution" Policy [m           [;7m 29 of 29 [16;H[5;H[mEISNER::NAGY "Frank J. Nagy, VAX Guru"               14 lines  18-APR-1988 07:45[16;H[7;H[J                  -< The vanishing autologin - a solution?? >-t  F     We, also, have seen the non-autologin effect on only *some* of ourC     VAXStations.  According to a contact in netland, the problem isVK     that the patch installation procedure does a poor job of distinguishing F     whether VWS V3.1 or V3.2 is running and will install the wrong setD     of drivers (I believe that's the TT and WT drivers).  WorkaroundG     is to manually pull those drivers out of the patch kit, rename themvD     and re-install them.  In our case, out of 9 workstations, only 1=     standalone and on LAVC workstation have shown the effect.a     C     Also, according to my contact, the problem has been reported toPB     Digital.  Digital is supposed to be sending another letter out0     apologizing for and correcting this problem.     !     See, one can be *too* secure![ [;7m End of note  [17A[7;24r[6B[1;8H[m[23;H[;24r[2;HNo more new notes[K[23;H[1;8Hset [Kcl [Kdecus_issues[2;H[K[21B[2;HDECUS_ISSUES set as your current class[K[23;H[1;H[K[1J[1;HNotes> cl[2;H[K[21B[7;H[J J M[5A[4;H                    Directory of Notebook class DECUS_ISSUES[K [Ks [K[7;H[;7m Entry Name           Unseen  Last new note     Topics  Update status           [m[4;H[8;H[J DECUS_MEMBERSHIP          0   7-APR-1988 16:18     19       [2A ELECTRONIC_LAW            0   1-APR-1988 01:16     13  [K[10;H[L ERRORS                    0  17-APR-1988 20:43     24  [11;H[L EXEC_COMMITTEE            5  18-APR-1988 13:25    162  [K[12;H[L INFORMATION               0  17-APR-1988 20:43     26  [13;H[L LICENSING                 0  17-APR-1988 19:30     14  [K[14;H[L MODERATOR                 4  18-APR-1988 15:52    117  [15;H[L[7A>[15;H PROPOSALS                 0  13-FEB-1988 10:24     15  [K[16;H[L[;7m End of requested listing [8;H[8;24r[7B[;24r[1;H[K[1J[1;H[mNotes> ope [Kex[2;H[K[6B[8B[2;HOpening conference EISNER::EXEC_COMMITTEE[K[16;H[4;HNote 162.0                        [;7m GO FOR IT! [m                      [;7m No replies [5;H[mEISNER::KILLEEN "Jeff Killeen"                        2 lines  18-APR-1988 09:17[6;H[m)0qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq(B[m[7;H[JI agree with Terry that DECUServe_INFO should be an up to date set of6 reference notes and *NOT* a histroical trail of notes. [;7m End of note   C[4A[7;24r[6B[;24r[2;H[K[5B[1;H[K[1J[1;H[mNotes> [9;H[4;HNote 147.14         [;7m Handling user problems - Terry vs. Xcom [m         [;7m 14 of 14 [9;H[5;H[mEISNER::KASPER "Beverly T. Kasper"                    7 lines  18-APR-1988 12:38[9;H[7;H[J                           -< A tidbit to add to A3 >-r    
   Re: .-2:   H   Include the fact that SEND/MEMBER will send mail to all the moderators#   of whatever conference you're in.       Beva [;7m End of note   %[11A[7;24r[6B[1;8H[m[16;H[;24r[4;HNote 152.9     [;7m Moderator Login Frequency and Conference Coverage [m      [;7m 9 of 9 [16;H[5;H[mEISNER::KASPER "Beverly T. Kasper"                   29 lines  18-APR-1988 12:45[16;H[7;H[J                              -< Sack Brian now >-   C   The following mail message was sent from me to Brian.  His reply,aE   which seems to have been deleted, stated that logging in more often[D   would not be a problem.  I have spoken to him by phone, and he has%   promised to log in more frequently.p   C   HE KNOWS WHAT IS EXPECTED!!!  I let this be deferred, but I thinks   it has gone on long enough.[      . From:   DECUSV::KASPER        9-NOV-1987 20:51 To:     MCCARTHY,KASPER      t Subj:   Moderation   Brian,E Since a number of moderators have turned out to be "no-shows," we're m [;7m 14 more lines... [7;H[7;24r[6B[1;8H[m[;24r[2;H[K[5B[17Brecruiting a few more.  Ed has asked me to ask you to help moderate RSX [K
[7;24r[24;H
NL and/or FUTURES_IN_REAL_TIME.  I'm trying to avoid having the same two[24;H
L moderators on any 2 conferences, so if there's a third conf you'd be [24;H
( interested in, please mention it.[24;H
 [24;H
kK We (Exec Comm) do ask moderators to log in at least twice a week on [24;H
oP non-consecutive days, to be sure that conf's are kept under a reasonable [24;H

 watch.[24;H
s [24;H
5 Please let me know if you're still interested.[24;H
E [24;H
X Thanks,[24;H
 Beverly[24;H
	   [24;H
nu[;7m End of note 
[1;8H[m[;24r[2;H[K[22B[2;HNo more replies[K[24;H[1;8H[2;H[K[1;8H[24;H[4;HNote 160.3              [;7m MODERATOR POSITION DESCRIPTION [m                [;7m 3 of 3 [24;H[5;H[mEISNER::KASPER "Beverly T. Kasper"                   66 lines  18-APR-1988 13:25[24;H[7;H[J               -< A few rewordings and one major content issue >-f  E   The position of Moderator on DECUServe is both a highly visible and;F   potentially demanding one.  The success of DECUServe depends largely                         ^^^mD   on the hard work and dedication of the volunteers who run it.  You7                                                     ^^^   J   New moderators will be required to review the current Moderator PositionJ   Description, and to submit a written agreement to abide by the rules and              ^     ^^d  K   Moderators are appointed for a term of one year (March through February).t   ^^^^^^^^^^  '   Resignation and Removal from Positione            ^^ [;7m 51 more lines... [7;H[7;24r[6B[1;8H[m[;24r[2;H[K[5B[17B[24;H[K[7;24r[24;H
H   It will be extremely helpful and greatly appreciated if you can[24;H
1                                    ^^^^^^^[24;H
l [24;H
[M   When you cease being a Moderator, for whatever reason, you may elect[24;H
I=          ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^[24;H
 T   to have your account either removed from the system, or converted to a user[24;H
$                        ^^^^^^[24;H
 [24;H
W:   Expect to spend approximately 2-4 hours per week.[24;H
   ^^^^^^[24;H
M [24;H
 =   "Flaming" by moderators will be grounds for removal.[24;H
 <                                   ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^[24;H
 [24;H
-P     Executive Committee not to interfere in the moderation of conferences[24;H
d [;7m 35 more lines... 
[1;8H[m[;24r[2;H[K[22B                        ^^^^^^[K
[7;24r[24;H
 [24;H
 O   Additional Moderation standards, techniques and procedures for dealing[24;H
1+                         ^        ^^^[24;H
  [24;H
A [24;H
9N   You are expected to do the following, in order, each time you log in:[24;H
8                                       ^^^^^^^^^^^[24;H
	   [24;H
[V     "pointers" in your conferences to messages of interest in other conferences[24;H
)                 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^[24;H
 [24;H
SR >  o The general rule for moderators should be: log in often enough so that[24;H
V >    your conferences are "adequately covered"... This frequency will therefore[24;H
N >    be based in general on the activity level of your conference(s).  [24;H
  [24;H
 [;7m 19 more lines... 
[1;8H[m[;24r[2;H[K[22B  I think this is a bad idea.  You're creating a big loophole.  Every[K
[7;24r[24;H
eK   time I've tried to convince Ed Cetron that he needs to log in more[24;H
nM   often, he points out that his conferences have very little activity.[24;H
o1   As you point out in the next paragraph, [24;H
8 [24;H
6R >  o In any case, moderators are expected to log in at least once every 72 [24;H
J >    hours, or alternatively, twice a week on non-consecutive days.[24;H
	   [24;H
hN   I would cut the first paragraph entirely, and drop the "In any case".[24;H
0   This message needs to be crystal clear.[24;H
 [24;H
GM >  o Moderators who expect to be off the system for more than 72 hours[24;H
sP >    due to vacation, illness, etc., should send mail to the comoderators[24;H
O >    of all assigned conferences, and to MoM, indicating expected length[24;H
e4                                 ^           ^[24;H
	   [24;H
e [;7m 3 more lines... 
[1;8H[m[;24r[2;H[K[22B  Preferred method is to SEND/MEMBER in all conferences of which you are a[K
[7;24r[24;H
v   moderator.[24;H
o [24;H
s[;7m End of note 
[1;8H[m[24;H[;24r[2;HNo more new notes[K[24;H[1;8Hope [Kmod[2;H[K[22B[2;HOpening conference EISNER::MODERATOR[K[24;H[4;HNote 21.1                    [;7m User login statistics [m                    [;7m 1 of 1 [24;H[5;H[mEISNER::COVERT "John Covert"                         10 lines  18-APR-1988 04:01[24;H[7;H[J                 -< 74 interactive users in the past 72 hours >- [;7m 9 more lines...   O [3A[7;24r[6B[;24r[2;H[K[5B[1;H[K[1J[1;H[mNotes> n [Ku[2;H[K[5B
[ [4;HNote 117.5    [;7m MODERATOR'S LOGINS FOR THE LAST FOUR 7 DAY PERIODS [m        5 of 7[8;H[5;HEISNER::DROPPERS "Seton Droppers PBS:(703)739-5100"  15 lines  18-APR-1988 12:59[8;H[7;H[J                         -< Let me expound some more >-   C     I certainly don't mind that those that need to know information D     to verify intended use have that information.  That goes withoutB     saying.  I think my point of view is that only those that needD     information to that detail should see it.  For example:  I trackD     the errors that my Operator makes, and may even keep a record ofB     it in my files, but that does not mean it is right for all the,     supervisors in the department to see it.     J     If we can look at CONFERENCE coverage rather than individual moderator1     coverage then that may be a better indicator.      E     (I thought the 72 hours coverage was the compromise that had been9C     worked out to verify if moderators were doing the job, anyway?)H     	     Seton M[;7m End of note [7;H[7;24r[6B[;24r[1;H[K[1J[1;H[mNotes> [2;H[K[5B[17B[4;HNote 117.6    [;7m MODERATOR'S LOGINS FOR THE LAST FOUR 7 DAY PERIODS [m        6 of 7[24;H[5;HEISNER::KILLEEN "Jeff Killeen"                        8 lines  18-APR-1988 15:12[24;H[7;H[J                             -< ONE TIME POSTING >-S  H I think you have to assume at some point the management council will seeC this information.  This report was a *ONE TIME* posting so everyone / would understand the information Xcom is using.s  G The moderators are part of the system's management team and should know E what metrics Xcom will use.  Remember this conference is only open to0 Xcom and moderators.   [;7m End of note   5[12A[7;24r[6B[1;8H[m[;24r[2;H[K[5B[10B[4;HNote 117.7    [;7m MODERATOR'S LOGINS FOR THE LAST FOUR 7 DAY PERIODS [m      [;7m 7 of 7 [17;H[5;H[mEISNER::BYRNE_C "Charlie Byrne, Freeport NY"           1 line  18-APR-1988 15:52[17;H[7;H[J                          -< I think it is excellent >-S        [;7m End of note    [5A[7;24r[6B[1;8H[m[;24r[2;H[K[5B[3B[2;HNo more replies[K[10;H[1;8H[2;H[K[1;8H[10;H[2;HNo more new notes[K[10;H[1;8Hcl[2;H[K[8B[7;H[JF M[4;H                    Directory of Notebook class DECUS_ISSUES[K [K_ [K[7;H[;7m Entry Name           Unseen  Last new note     Topics  Update status           [m[4;H[8;H[J DECUS_MEMBERSHIP          0   7-APR-1988 16:18     19  :    B[2A ELECTRONIC_LAW            0   1-APR-1988 01:16     13  [K[10;H[L ERRORS                    0  17-APR-1988 20:43     24  [11;H[L EXEC_COMMITTEE            0  18-APR-1988 13:25    162  [K[12;H[L INFORMATION               0  17-APR-1988 20:43     26  [13;H[L LICENSING                 0  17-APR-1988 19:30     14  [K[14;H[L MODERATOR                 0  18-APR-1988 15:52    117  [15;H[LM>[15;H PROPOSALS                 0  13-FEB-1988 10:24     15  [K[16;H[L[;7m End of requested listing [8;H[8;24r[7B[;24r[1;H[K[1J[1;H[mNotes> ex[2;H[K[6B[8B >[?7h[;r[m[24;H
  
  $ ex? 
%DCL-W-ABVERB, ambiguous command verb - supply more charactersn  \EX\t 
$ sh us$ 
          VAX/VMS Interactive Users"            18-APR-1988 17:21:33.81)     Total number of interactive users = 3d  0  Username     Process Name      PID     Terminal<  BRYANT_J     BRYANT_J        00000716  VTA421:        TXB2:=  KENNEDY      Terry Kennedy   0000071D  VTA425:        LTA48:<  WYSOCKI      WYSOCKI         00000710  VTA417:        TXB0: 
$ lo[6 
  KENNEDY      logged out at 18-APR-1988 17:21:38.54
 DROPPED BY HOSTHA inter-link cleared from TYMNET - BOSTON, MA. to TSN - BOSTON, MA.M   please log in: decus  E inter-link established from TYMNET - BOSTON, MA. to TSN - BOSTON, MA.  please log in: decus
 password:  P  1 DCSV IS ON LINE     /  Please use the DCSVAX for DECUS business only.;   
Username: KENNEDY 
Password:    8  New 2400 baud modems have been installed on the system.  >  There is a new number to access DCS @1200 baud. (617)480-0705  M  There are new functions on the EM and EMSHRT menu that allow a user to read oM  new mail(RND), read(RD), and print(PD) without the distribution information. O  You may use the SHD option to view addressees. The RN, R, and P functions are l  also available.  B     Last interactive login on Sunday, 17-APR-1988 20:59
Z>Z>>    B %NEWMAIL-I-TEXT, 0 ALL-IN-1 messages waiting for user KENNEDY       2 Do You Wish To Set Terminal Characteristics [Y/N]  
> >   User [SIG_STEER,KENNEDY] has 468 blocks used, 532 available,F   of 1000 authorized and permitted overdraft of 1000 blocks on A1USER1    " Select from the following options:   	1)	Run All-In-1   	2)	Run VAXmail    	3)	Exit  	 Option: 3r        5   KENNEDY      logged out at 18-APR-1988 17:24:42.49
  DROPPED BY HOST A inter-link cleared from TYMNET - BOSTON, MA. to TSN - BOSTON, MA.    please log in: +++ OK ATH
 OK 

y[   
K 
B   ------------------------------  . 15 Jun 88 Ted Shapin <BEC.SHAPIN@ECLA.USC.EDU>! Review of IBM Protection Programs  --11373 chars; More?--