, X-NEWS: spcvxb alt.folklore.computers: 15313K Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.0-3 14/03/90 VAX/VMS V5.4; site spcvxb.spc.edu V Path: spcvxb.spc.edu!rutgers!cs.utexas.edu!qt.cs.utexas.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!J  magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu!usenet.ins.cwru.edu!cleveland.Freenet.Edu!an288" Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers, Subject: long submission for laughing hacker8 Message-ID: <1991Oct20.181109.13483@usenet.ins.cwru.edu>2 From: an288@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Mark Hittinger) Date: 20 Oct 91 18:11:09 GMT6 Reply-To: an288@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Mark Hittinger)  Sender: news@usenet.ins.cwru.eduB Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, OH (USA)& Nntp-Posting-Host: cwns10.ins.cwru.edu
 Lines: 369        I This is another submission for the 'laughing hacker'.  I opened the dusty J dark crypt of old stuff and looked around.  How old you ask?  It is so oldK that I don't even have machine readables of these treasures anymore.  It is N so old that the printout is musty, yellowed, and with telltale signs of havingL been printed by a *GE* 300 baud hardcopy terminal!  Yes friends, it dates toK the before time, before the stagnation of hacking.  It isn't the work of my K hand, it is simply one of the items I downloaded while exploring the net in J the late seventies.  I have no idea who wrote it, and deeply regret that IM cannot give the author proper credit.  Perhaps the author had a strong desire  for anonymity.     			IMPORTANT NOTICE !!!!  9 THE FOLLOWING DOCUMENT IS PURELY SATIRICAL IN NATURE.  IT < SHOULD NOT BE DEEMED TO REPRESENT THE ACTUAL OPINIONS OF ANY< INDIVIDUAL OR ORGANIZATION.  MANY FACTS HAVE BEEN ALTERED TO= CREATE THIS SATIRE, AND NOTHING YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ HAS ANY  REAL BEARING TO REALITY.  = ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REAL PEOPLE OR ORGANIZATIONS IS PURELY FOR 6 SATIRIC PURPOSES AND ANY OTHER INTERPRETATION WOULD BE COMPLETELY IN ERROR.     This is CBS (Boooooooog)  1 TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK.....    CUT TO: J Man being strapped into electric chair:  But those boys all WANTED to die!N         I could tell just by looking into their eyes.  I was just trying to be         NICE to them!    CUT TO: D Airline mechanic:  Sure we use Will Hold all the time for these here2         engine mounts.  Save a fortune that way...   CUT TO: : Man at computer terminal being jumped by twelve policemen:A         But all I was doing was playing ZORK!  I don't underg....    CUT TO:  Dan Rather:  I'm Dan Rather.  @ Morley Safer:  And I'm Morley Safer.  Welcome to another edition!                 of Sixty Minutes.   1 TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK.....   ? Announcer voiceover:  Sixty Minutes, brought to you tonight by:   4 Voiceover 2:  IBM, putting ideas to work for people.   AV:  And by:  K Voiceover 3:  Stay-Free Maxi Pads, for the ultimate in feminine protection.    --- COMMERCIALS ---    Morley Safer:  Good evening,C          Tonight Sixty minutes is breaking with our usual free-form J          format to present a special edition concerning the truly heiniousA          crimes that have come to our attention in recent months.   K Dan Rather:  We will look at the story of Billy Joe Kupertino, who murdered F          27 young boys after sexually molesting them with Tootsie Roll          Pops and Trix cereal.  F MS:  And the story of shoddy workmanship at Herb's Airlines, which wasJ          responsible for the deaths of more than 3000 people at the recent8          Hollywood Bowl crash of an elongated jumbo jet.  K DR:  But first, a story so unbelievable, so incredibly bizarre and hideous, G          that the Sixty Minutes staff, used to horror in real life, was F          completely shocked by what we learned.  It involves a massiveG          Department of Defense computer network, national security, and H          high school students.  It also strikes right to the bone of the$          American way and apple pie.  H MS:  We call this story, the ARPANET TERROR, and you'll soon see why....   CUT TO: I Extreme close up of an IMP display register.  Lights flashing.  Gradually D the camera pulls back to reveal the entire unit.  There is scribbledE graffiti all over the grey outside cover, including such anecdotes as # "CBS SUCKS" and "FREE PAT PAULSON".   G MS:  This is an IMP.  Not the sprightly little character you read about 9          as a child, this IMP is Sat-n incarnate himself.   G DR:  Standing for Interface Message Processor, the IMP is a specialized 6          minicomputer, with ENORMOUS processing power.  I MS:  Yes, this device could add up a series of 200 fourteen digit numbers 4          faster than you could say "Neilson Rating".  F DR:  At least one of these devices sits in every Missle Base, MilitaryF          Research Establishment, and many private firms, universities,,          and other subversive organizations.  I MS:  And they are all linked together by these thin cables here (holds up L          twisted pair of red and white cable leading to clock radio on desk)D          to form the most insidious NETWORK of computers ever dreamt+          of in the worst of our nightmares.   I DR:  This is the ARPANET.  Operated by a little known organization in the J          Dept. of Defense, this network, originally designed as a researchI          and development tool, has become the toy of high school students F          and the right hand of subversive organizations throughout the          country.   E          We first learned of this incredible story when a boy, twelve L          year old Racal Prentiss, called the Sixty Minutes staff complainingG          that he was no longer able to play his favorite computer game, M          called ZORK, due to the implementation of something called TIP LOGIN J          in his area.  We sensed a big story immediately, and put the full3          resources of CBS behind the investigation.   A MS:  And what we learned was truly incredible.  After a series of L          interviews with high school students around the country, we learnedE          that 83% of computer club high school students in the United G          States regularly use and abuse the ARPANET.  This was a larger 9          percentage, by the way, than had passed puberty.   I DR:  And their power and influence over the Dept. of Defense could hardly :          be underestimated.  This tape should demonstrate:   CUT TO VIDEO TAPE;D Wimpy High School Kid:  Yeah, I've just dialed the TIP phone number.-          Now I put the phone into this modem.    DR:  What is a "MODEM"?   ; Kid:  It stands for Modus Operandi Device for Evil Motives.    DR:  Oh.  G Kid:  Now I have to login to the TIP.  Let's see now, which name should K          I use?  Oh, here's a good one (as he refers to a long list written '          on back of bubblegum wrapper).   #          KID TYPES ON MODEL 33 TTY:             Login Carter,Peanut             TIP SERVER replies:   @   Kid:  There.  All done.    DR:  That's all there is to it?   * Kid:  Yep.  Now we can have some REAL fun!   DR:  What are you going to do?   Kid:  Well, watch this!             @O 2827300098000-C           Open T R             NORAD-TENEX 1.32.1             @log guest           (Password) arpa          (Account) arpa             GUEST logged in.             @LAUNCH3 NORTH AMERICAN AIR DEFENSE COMMAND MISSLE LAUNCHING  CONTROL PROGRAM. ENTER ? FOR HELP.             -> S(ET TARGET): NYC           -> M(EGATONS): 50          -> L(AUNCH TIME): NOW          [CONFIRM]            READY FOR LAUNCH   . DR:  Uh, you are kidding with this aren't you?   Kid:  What?  Me worry?  *          [ENTER CLEARANCE CODE FOR LAUNCH]          --> FOO   Launch proceeding           Missle in Position           Ignition Successful          Bird is Away!  1 THANK YOU FOR A SUCCESSFUL LAUNCH.  WHILE YOU ARE 2 WAITING FOR IMPACT, HOW ABOUT A GAME OF ADVENTURE?   DR:  What is this "Adventure"?  > Kid:  We won't bother with that, I already got all the points.  0 DR:  Uh, this is some sort of simulation, right?  6 Kid:  Oh no, this is real.  I never DID like New York.  9 DR:  Well this is horrible.  Is there any way to stop it?   , Kid:  Well, yeah.  If you really want me to.  . DR:  Please.  My paychecks come from New York.   Kid:  Aw shucks, OK.            IMPACT IN 15 SECONDSt          10 9 8 7 6.          ^C!          ^Ci            @km          GUEST logged out.   Kid:  There, all over.  ' DR:  Excuse me, I think I wet my pants.e   CUT TO DAN RATHERlF DR:  Well folks, you saw it.  A twelve year old boy almost obliterated7          New York City with a 50 Megaton nuclear blast.M  ? MS:  Yes, and imagine what he might have done if he were angry!l  C DR:  Too bad he can't just hit ABC with a small tactical nuclear...a  	 MS:  DAN!e  . DR:  I was just kidding, Morley.  Haw haw haw.   MS:  You sound like Tom Snyder.e  0 DR:  Maybe we could get HIM with the same blast.   MS:  Lets be serious, Dan.  D DR:  Yes, Well.  Ahem.  We decided to go directly to the top when weF          realized how serious this situation was.  We went directly to8          the home of Senator Proxmire in Washington D.C.   CUT TO VIDEO TAPEtB MS:  Here we are at the home of Senator Proxmire, the developer ofD          the famous "Golden Fleece" award, given to those governmentH          agencies that have done the most to waste the taxpayers' money.  7      (Dan and Morley walk up to door and ring doorbell)s  4      (Doorbell rings to tune of the "Funeral Dirge")   Seven Year Old Child:  Hello?p  @ DR:  Hello.  We're here from Sixty Minutes.  Is your Daddy home?  $ Child:  Yeah, he's home, come on in.        (They enter)   E      (Senator Proxmire is sitting at the kitchen table hunched beforeC?      a Silent 700 terminal.  He is cursing under his breath...)E  G Proxmire:  G-d DAMN IT!  I just DON'T see how to get around this snake!   ( Child:  Daddy!  Someone's here for yo...  E P:  Shut up, squirt.  Can't you see I'm busy?  Hmmm.  Now, maybe if ID#          eat the bird as a snack...O  5 DR:  Senator?  This is Dan Rather of Sixty Minutes...T  0 MS:  And I'm his lovable sidekick, Morley Safer.  E P:  HUH?  OH.  Yes.  Uh.  (He reaches behind his back and attempts totD          covertly remove the phone from a Radio Shack modem and hang          it up.)  < DR:  We're here in connection with our ARPANET inquiry, Sir.  > P:  Oh yes.  Well, since your office called, I've had my staffD          investigating this whole matter.  And I was shocked. SimplyF          shocked!  (As he speaks, he is rolling up the output from the7          terminal and crumpling it into a little ball).n  8 MS:  Sir, what do you intend to do about this situation?  C P:  Well, uh, it appears to be a very, very complex matter.  Uh, weT>          don't want to jump to any, uh, conclusions about thisF          type of thing.  After all, National Security IS at stake here          ya' know.  7 DR:  Yes Sir.  But I thought you said you were shocked?r   P:  Well, er, yes.  # Child:  Daddy, can I play ZORK now?   3 P:  Get the HELL away from here kid; you bother me.y   DR:  Did he say ZORK?     MS:  Did he say ZOOORRRRRRKKKKK?  G P:  No, he said, uh, Mork.  That's it, he said "Mork".  It's a new gamee=          based on the "Mork and Mindy" show.  You've seen it?h  A MS:  I'm afraid not, sir.  I believe it's on a competing network.   % P:  Oh, Well.  Whatever.  I don't ...e  , Child:  Daddy!  I want to get more ZORKmids!  F P:  Will you PLEASE get away from here?  Go to your room and play with          your blue box.s  ! Child:  OK, Daddy.  (Child exits)3  ! DR:  Now, Senator, if you will...l  J P:  My how time flies.  I just realized I have an important meeting on theE          hill.  Can't waste the taxpayers' money you know.  Gotta get           going.e  I MS:  But Senator.  What about this ARPANET issue?  We are very concerned.d  A P:  Oh yes.  Well, I suggest you drop the whole issue.  You know,w          hush it up.  ( DR:  You can't be serious?  ARPANETGATE?  H P:  Well, whatever you want to call it.  I have to leave now, gentlemen,%          let me show you to the door.T   CUT TO DAN AND MORLEYeB DR:  Confused?  Not half as much as we were.  Our meeting with the8          Senator caused more questions than it answered.  F MS:  And we were no closer to understanding this issue than we were at          the beginning.a  G DR:  We've decided to continue this investigation at another time, when A          more information is available.  We certainly do not wanthH          to unjustly condemn a whole project simply based on a few minor1          transgressions such as those we've seen.   E MS:  (whispers)  Dan, C'mon.  It's time for today's SF-LOVERS digest.    DR:  (whispers)  Right, Morley.e  H DR:  We'll be back in the near future with more on this important issue.  M       (Both rush from the stage.  Dan's lapel microphonerips off and falls tosF       the floor, taking a chunk of his lapel with it.  Stage is empty.I       We see a burst of color bars accompanied by a steady tone, then...)y   TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK ...  L ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --  0 Mark Hittinger [answering machine (606)-272-2424 PO BOX 43358 Middletown, KY 40243