g From:	IN%"minow@bolt.enet.dec.com"  "Martin Minow, ML3-5/U26  14-May-1990 0946" 14-MAY-1990 12:02:39.72 
 To:	_TERRY CC:	 Subj:	carl4.txt   G Received: from CUNYVM.BITNET by SPCVXA.BITNET; Mon, 14 May 90 12:00 EDT O Received: from CUNYVM by CUNYVM.BITNET (Mailer R2.03B) with BSMTP id 2511; Mon,   14 May 90 11:43:52 EDT N Received: from decpa.pa.dec.com by CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU (IBM VM SMTP R1.2.2MX) with!  TCP; Mon, 14 May 90 11:43:40 EDT H Received: by decpa.pa.dec.com; id AA08952; Mon, 14 May 90 08:42:50 -0700D Received: from bolt.enet; by decpa.enet; Mon, 14 May 90 08:42:52 PDT! Date: Mon, 14 May 90 08:42:52 PDT K From: "Martin Minow, ML3-5/U26  14-May-1990 0946" <minow@bolt.enet.dec.com>  Subject: carl4.txt To: address@bolt.enet.dec.com 1 Message-id: <9005141542.AA08952@decpa.pa.dec.com>  X-Envelope-to: terry  F "It is better to have tried and failed than to have failed to try, but the result's the same."  - Mike Dennison  %%H "Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simpleI and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and H because good teachers understand exactly why it is false.  What could beH more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in ourE entire intellectualy heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing J honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatmentI to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any 2 general understanding of science as an enterprise?A -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer", Vol. 12, page 186  %%J It is not well to be thought of as one who meekly submits to insolence and
 intimidation.  %%D "Regardless of the legal speed limit, your Buick must be operated at$ speeds faster than 85 MPH (140kph)."+ -- 1987 Buick Grand National owners manual.  %%) "Your attitude determines your attitude." & -- Zig Ziglar, self-improvement doofus %%I In arguing that current theories of brain function cast suspicion on ESP, H psychokinesis, reincarnation, and so on, I am frequently challenged withJ the most popular of all neuro-mythologies -- the notion that we ordinarily$ use only 10 percent of our brains...   H This "cerebral spare tire" concept continues to nourish the clientele ofJ "pop psychologists" and their many recycling self-improvement schemes.  AsK a metaphor for the fact that few of us fully exploit our talents, who could N deny it?  As a refuge for occultists seeking a neural basis of the miraculous, it leaves much to be desired. F -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Conciousness:  Implications forC    Psi Phenomena", The Skeptical Enquirer, Vol. XII, No. 2, pg. 171  %% Thufir's a Harkonnen now.  %%D "By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other3 designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun." P -- P. J. Plauger, from his April Fool's column in April 88's "Computer Language" %%A "If you want to eat hippopatomus, you've got to pay the freight." G -- attributed to an IBM guy, about why IBM software uses so much memory  %%; Parkinson's Law:  Work expands to fill the time alloted it.  %%O Karl's version of Parkinson's Law:  Work expands to exceed the time alloted it.  %%J It is better to never have tried anything than to have tried something and failed. / - motto of jerks, weenies and losers everywhere  %%L "Our journeys to the stars will be made on spaceships created by determined,L hardworking scientists and engineers applying the principles of science, notO aboard flying saucers piloted by little gray aliens from some other dimension." J -- Robert A. Baker, "The Aliens Among Us:  Hypnotic Regression Revisited",*    The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII, No. 2 %%P "...all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned products,$ if they are built at all, are dogs!"D -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac", MIT Press, 1987 %%E "To take a significant step forward, you must make a series of finite  improvements."# -- Donald J. Atwood, General Motors  %% "We will bury you."  -- Nikita Kruschev %%3 "Now here's something you're really going to like!"  -- Rocket J. Squirrel  %%? "How to make a million dollars:  First, get a million dollars."  -- Steve Martin  %%K "Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about."  -- B. L. Whorf %%O The language provides a programmer with a set of conceptual tools; if these are M inadequate for the task, they will simply be ignored.  For example, seriously J restricting the concept of a pointer simply forces the programmer to use aK vector plus integer arithmetic to implement structures, pointer, etc.  Good F design and the absence of errors cannot be guaranteed by mere language	 features. 4 -- Bjarne Stroustrup, "The C++ Programming Language" %%N "For the love of phlegm...a stupid wall of death rays.  How tacky can ya get?" - Post Brothers comics %%) "Bureaucracy is the enemy of innovation." ? -- Mark Shepherd, former President and CEO of Texas Instruments  %%A "An organization dries up if you don't challenge it with growth." ? -- Mark Shepherd, former President and CEO of Texas Instruments  %% "I've seen it.  It's rubbish." -- Marvin the Paranoid Android %%@ Our business is run on trust.  We trust you will pay in advance. %%O "Infidels in all ages have battled for the rights of man, and have at all times 4 been the fearless advocates of liberty and justice." -- Robert Green Ingersoll  %%K The history of the rise of Christianity has everything to do with politics, M culture, and human frailties and nothing to do with supernatural manipulation F of events.  Had divine intervention been the guiding force, surely twoH millennia after the birth of Jesus he would not have a world where thereG are more Muslims than Catholics, more Hindus than Protestants, and more 3 nontheists than Catholics and Protestants combined. K -- John K. Naland, "The First Easter", Free Inquiry magazine, Vol. 8, No. 2  %%2 I find you lack of faith in the forth dithturbing. - Darse ("Darth") Vader  %% "All Bibles are man-made." -- Thomas Edison %%. "Spock, did you see the looks on their faces?"- "Yes, Captain, a sort of vacant contentment."  %%F "The triumph of libertarian anarchy is nearly (in historical terms) atF hand... *if* we can keep the Left from selling us into slavery and the: Right from blowing us up for, say, the next twenty years."0 -- Eric Rayman, usenet guy, about nanotechnology %%D "Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love." -- Albert Einstein %%E "I think Michael is like litmus paper - he's always trying to learn." > -- Elizabeth Taylor, absurd non-sequitir about Michael Jackson %%L While it cannot be proved retrospectively that any experience of possession,L conversion, revelation, or divine ecstasy was merely an epileptic discharge,I we must ask how one differentiates "real transcendence" from neuropathies K that produce the same extreme realness, profundity, ineffability, and sense G of cosmic unity.  When accounts of sudden religious conversions in TLEs K [temporal-lobe epileptics] are laid alongside the epiphanous revelations of M the religious tradition, the parallels are striking.  The same is true of the O recent spate of alleged UFO abductees.  Parsimony alone argues against invoking G spirits, demons, or extraterrestrials when natural causes will suffice. C -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "Neuropathology and the Legacy of Spiritual @    Possession", The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII, No. 3, pg. 255 %%: "A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on." - Samuel Goldwyn %%? "We shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achievement."  -- Richard J. Daley  %%? "With molasses you catch flies, with vinegar you catch nobody." - -- Baltimore City Councilman Dominic DiPietro  %%* "Lead us in a few words of silent prayer."5 -- Bill Peterson, former Houston Oiler football coach  %%C "I couldn't remember things until I took that Sam Carnegie course." 5 -- Bill Peterson, former Houston Oiler football coach  %%G "Right now I feel that I've got my feet on the ground as far as my head  is concerned." -- Baseball pitcher Bo Belinsky. %%, "Ninety percent of baseball is half mental."
 -- Yogi Berra  %%H Two things are certain about science.  It does not stand still for long,B and it is never boring.  Oh, among some poor souls, including evenB intellectuals in fields of high scholarship, science is frequentlyD misperceived.  Many see it as only a body of facts, promulgated fromE on high in must, unintelligible textbooks, a collection of unchangingvF precepts defended with authoritarian vigor.  Others view it as nothingF but a cold, dry narrow, plodding, rule-bound process -- the scientific, method: hidebound, linear, and left brained.  ,@ These people are the victims of their own stereotypes.  They areC destined to view the world of science with a set of blinders.  TheyA< know nothing of the tumult, cacophony, rambunctiousness, and? tendentiousness of the actual scientific process, let alone theeB creativity, passion, and joy of discovery.  And they are likely toG know little of the continual procession of new insights and discoveriesnC that every day, in some way, change our view (if not theirs) of ther natural world.  y; -- Kendrick Frazier, "The Year in Science: An Overview," insJ    1988 Yearbook of Science and the Future, Encyclopaedia Britannica, Inc. %%6 "jackpot:  you may have an unneccessary change record" -- message from "diff" %%9 "One lawyer can steal more than a hundred men with guns."t -- The Godfather %%J What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used car salesman?  S* A used car salesman knows when he's lying. %%G "Those who will be able to conquer software will be able to conquer them world."s* -- Tadahiro Sekimoto, president, NEC Corp. %%M "There are some good people in it, but the orchestra as a whole is equivalent  to a gang bent on destruction."a -- John Cage, composer %%H "I believe the use of noise to make music will increase until we reach aH music produced through the aid of electrical instruments which will makeE available for musical purposes any and all sounds that can be heard."y -- composer John Cage, 1937p %%O I did cancel one performance in Holland where they thought my music was so easyfO that they didn't rehearse at all.  And so the first time when I found that out,lM I rehearsed the orchestra myself in front of the audience of 3,000 people andeJ the next day I rehearsed through the second movement -- this was the pieceO _Cheap Imitation_ -- and they then were ashamed.  The Dutch people were ashamedcH and they invited me to come to the Holland festival and they promised toJ rehearse.  And when I got to Amsterdam they had changed the orchestra, andL again, they hadn't rehearsed.  So they were no more prepared the second timeL than they had been the first.  I gave them a lecture and told them to cancelK the performance; they then said over the radio that i had insisted on theiroB cancelling the performance because they were "insufficiently Zen." Can you believe it?tG -- composer John Cage, "Electronic Musician" magazine, March 88, pg. 89  %%A "One day I woke up and discovered that I was in love with tripe."m -- Tom Anderson% %%, "Most people would like to be delivered from0  temptation but would like it to keep in touch." -- Robert Orbeni %%I The rule on staying alive as a program manager is to give 'em a number ore1 give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.s %%8 An optimist believes we live in the best world possible; a pessimist fears this is true.p %%L "If John Madden steps outside on February 2, looks down, and doesn't see his/ feet, we'll have 6 more weeks of Pro football.". -- Chuck Newcombe  %%$ Dead?	No excuse for laying off work. %%4 Lead me not into temptation... I can find it myself. %%; "When people are least sure, they are often most dogmatic."o -- John Kenneth Galbraitht %%4 "Nature is very un-American.  Nature never hurries." -- William George Jordan %%; "We learn from history that we learn nothing from history."e -- George Bernard Shaw %%/ "Flattery is all right -- if you don't inhale."i -- Adlai Stevenson %%J "Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago." -- Bernard Berenson  %%L "Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings.	 The expectations are always- high, and the results usually disappointing."t -- Robert Orbena %%M "A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging  their prejudices." -- William James %% "Tell the truth and run."l -- Yugoslav proverbF %%L "The best index to a person's character is a) how he treats people who can'tB do him any good and b) how he treats people who can't fight back." -- Abigail Van Buren %%B "Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning." -- Marlo Thomas  %%H "Life is a garment we continuously alter, but which never seems to fit." -- David McCordl %%M "The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that childreni produce adults." -- Peter De Vries  %%? "It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them."a -- Alfred Adler  %%K "Security is mostly a superstition.  It does not exist in nature... Life isC& either a daring adventure or nothing." -- Helen Kellerh %%J "Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is) shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods."a -- Albert Einstein %%) "Success covers a multitude of blunders."  -- George Bernard Shaw %%M "The mark of an immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, whilesB the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one." -- William Stekeld %%I "Yes, and I feel bad about rendering their useless carci into dogfood..."t -- Badger comics %%H "Is it really you, Fuzz, or is it Memorex, or is it radiation sickness?" -- Sonic Disruptors comics %%M "Most of us, when all is said and done, like what we like and make up reasonsh for it afterwards."  -- Soren F. Petersen %%I "You're a creature of the night, Michael.  Wait'll Mom hears about this."y! -- from the movie "The Lost Boys"u %%0 "Plastic gun.  Ingenious.  More coffee, please." -- The Phantom comicsd %%H The game of life is a game of boomerangs.  Our thoughts, deeds and words6 return to us sooner or later with astounding accuracy. %%= If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average.  %%G "A child is a person who can't understand why someone would give away af perfectly good kitten."y -- Doug Larson %%E "The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobodye" appreciates how difficult it was." -- Walt West %%1 "Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone."e -- G. B. Stearnt %%K "In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim withh
 the current."e -- Thomas Jeffersonl %%N The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to	 the left.p %% "But this one goes to eleven." -- Nigel Tufnels %%0 "Been through Hell?  Whaddya bring back for me?" -- A. Brilliant  %% "I don't know what their  gripe is.  A critic isi  simply someone paid tof  render opinions glibly."n 			     "Critics are grinks andt 			      groinks."' -- Baron and Badger, from Badger comicse %%N "I've got some amyls.  We could either party later or, like, start his heart."" -- "Cheech and Chong's Next Movie" %%N "Israel today announced that it is giving up.  The Zionist state will dissolveO in two weeks time, and its citizens will disperse to various resort communitiesoE around the world.  Said Prime Minister Yitzhak Shamir, 'Who needs thep aggravation?'"+ -- Dennis Miller, "Satuday Night Live" Newsn %%N "And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get AheadK by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American businessv( product: a really sharp-looking report."
 -- Dave BarryD %% SHOP OR DIE, people of Earth!  [offer void where prohibited]-A -- Capitalists from outer space, from Justice League Int'l comics' %%P "Roman Polanski makes his own blood.  He's smart -- that's why his movies work."* -- A brilliant director at "Frank's Place" %%@ "The following is not for the weak of heart or Fundamentalists."
 -- Dave Barrys %%I "I take Him shopping with me. I say, 'OK, Jesus, help me find a bargain'"- --Tammy Faye Bakker  %%> Gary Hart:  living proof that you *can* screw your brains out. %%J Blessed be those who initiate lively discussions with the hopelessly mute,# for they shall be know as Dentists.i %%J "I don't believe in sweeping social change being manifested by one person,  unless he has an atomic weapon." -- Howard Chaykina %%H "Ever free-climbed a thousand foot vertical cliff with 60 pounds of gear strapped to your butt?"     "No."2 "'Course you haven't, you fruit-loop little geek."8 -- The Mountain Man, one of Dana Carvey's SNL characters [ditto]e %%M "I mean, like, I just read your article in the Yale law recipe, on search and * seizure.  Man, that was really Out There."*    "I was so WRECKED when I wrote that..."A -- John Lovitz, as ex-Supreme Court nominee Alan Ginsburg, on SNL  %%I "Hi, I'm Professor Alan Ginsburg... But you can call me... Captain Toke." A -- John Lovitz, as ex-Supreme Court nominee Alan Ginsburg, on SNLr %%2 It's great to be smart 'cause then you know stuff. %%C "Time is money and money can't buy you love and I love your outfit"  - T.H.U.N.D.E.R. #1" %%= "Can't you just gesture hypnotically and make him disappear?"t&     "It does not work that way.  RUN!"5 -- Hadji on metaphyics and Mandrake in "Johnny Quest"" %%& "You shouldn't make my toaster angry."1 -- Household security explained in "Johnny Quest"t %%P  "Someone's been mean to you! Tell me who it is, so I can punch him tastefully." -- Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse %%2 "And kids... learn something from Susie and Eddie.3  If you think there's a maniacal psycho-geek in ther
  basement:0     1)	Don't give him a chance to hit you on the 	head with an axe!2     2)	Flee the premises... even if you're in your 	underwear.a.     3)	Warn the neighbors and call the police.A  But whatever else you do... DON'T GO DOWN IN THE DAMN BASEMENT!"t, -- Saturday Night Live meets Friday the 13th %% Victory or defeat! %%0 "Everyone is entitled to an *informed* opinion." -- Harlan Ellison, %%J "It's curtains for you, Mighty Mouse!  This gun is so futuristic that even *I* don't know how it works!"r# -- from Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mousee %%B "May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house." -- George Carlin %%C A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem.h %%    "Daddy, Daddy, make     Santa Claus go away!"r 		       "I can't, son;p 			he's grown toon
 			powerful."m 				     "HO HO HO!"  -- Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre %%$ "If it's not loud, it doesn't work!"! -- Blank Reg, from "Max Headroom"g %%L "Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure that you're the one holding it"f -- Captain Combata %%G Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.   -- David Lettermand %%? Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.   -- David Lettermant %%F Delta: The kids will love our inflatable slides.    -- David Letterman %%5 Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.    -- David Lettermane %%J "Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is9 good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.t  -- John Kenneth Galbraith %% "Hello again, Peabody here..." -- Mister Peabody  %%; "It's the best thing since professional golfers on 'ludes."a -- Rick Obidiahg %%N "To your left is the marina where several senior cabinet officials keep luxuryM yachts for weekend cruises on the Potomac.  Some of these ships are up to 100rJ feet in length; the Presidential yacht is over 200 feet in length, and can$ remain submerged for up to 3 weeks." -- Garrison Keillori %%G "Well, social relevance is a schtick, like mysteries, social relevance,W science fiction..."s -- Art Spiegelman  %%N "One of the problems I've always had with propaganda pamphlets is that they'reK real boring to look at.  They're just badly designed.  People from the left J often are very well-intended, but they never had time to take basic design classes, you know?"n -- Art Spiegelmanl %%/ "If you took everyone who's ever been to a Deadi3  show, and lined them up, they'd stretch halfway tor/  the moon and back... and none of them would bea  complaining."( -- a local Deadhead in the Seattle Times %%? "And remember: Evil will always prevail, because Good is dumb."p
 -- Spaceballsr %%1 Why are many scientists using lawyers for medicalj experiments instead of rats?  T& 	a)  There are more lawyers than rats.$ 	b)  The scientist's don't become as#  	    emotionally attached to them.p) 	c)  There are some things that even rats  	    won't do for money. %% 	"During the raceV 	 We may eat your dust,  	 But when you graduate, 	 You'll work for us." 	-- Reed College cheer %% Pohl's law:r@ 	 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. %%J Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by theL splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. -- Ambrose Bierce. %%K "We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand."i
 -- James Watte %%4 "I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this3  country what it once was... an arctic wilderness."j -- Steve Martin  %%: "To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." -- Woody Allen %% Noncombatant:  A dead Quaker.u -- Ambrose Bierce  %%M "There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what itc is I'll get married again."a -- Clint Eastwood  %%A A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.l' I believe everything positively stinks.i
 -- Lew Col %%5 Q:  How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?i= A:  Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.o %%F Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. %%% Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:n+ 	Experience is directly proportional to thei 	amount of equipment ruined. %% Captain Penny's Law:+ 	You can fool all of the people some of the ( 	time, and some of the people all of the 	time, but you can't fool mom. %%I "Because he's a character who's looking for his own identity, [He-Man is]o" an interesting role for an actor." -- Dolph Lundgren, "actor" %%L "If Jesus came back today, and saw what was going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up."8 -- Max Von Sydow's character in "Hannah and Her Sisters" %%E "Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.d7 God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again." 6 -- Woody Allen's character in "Hannah and Her Sisters" %%P "In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless heO  received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has P  not spoken with Roberts for several years.  Off the record, God has stated thatP  "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago." -- Dennis Miller, SNL News %%2 "Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core." -- Hannah Arendt.f %% Quod licet Iovi non licet bovi. . (What Jove may do, is not permitted to a cow.) %%N "I distrust a man who says 'when.'  If he's got to be careful not to drink too8 much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does."+ -- Sidney Greenstreet, _The Maltese Falcon_  %%K "I distrust a close-mouthed man.  He generally picks the wrong time to talksI and says the wrong things.  Talking's something you can't do judiciously,SI unless you keep in practice.  Now, sir, we'll talk if you like.	I'll telliG you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk."o+ -- Sidney Greenstreet, _The Maltese Falcon_d %%, All extremists should be taken out and shot. %%- "The sixties were good to you, weren't they?"r -- George Carlin %%@ "You stay here, Audrey -- this is between me and the vegetable!") -- Seymour, from _Little Shop Of Horrors_p %%' From Sharp minds come... pointed heads.R -- Bryan Sparrowhawk %%I There are two kinds of egotists: 1) Those who admit it  2) The rest of uso %%M "The picture's pretty bleak, gentlemen...  The world's climates are changing,lH the mammals are taking over, and we all have a brain about the size of a walnut."3 -- some dinosaurs from The Far Side, by Gary Larsonr %%G "We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bombw
 your cities."e) -- Robin Williams, _Good Morning Vietnam_o %%6 Why won't sharks eat lawyers?   Professional courtesy. %%+ "You know, we've won awards for this crap."r -- David Letterman %% It was pity stayed his hand.4 "Pity I don't have any more bullets," thought Frito.< -- _Bored_of_the_Rings_, a Harvard Lampoon parody of Tolkein %% A good USENET motto would be:-#  a. "Together, a strong community."a  b. "Computers R Us." K  c. "I'm sick of programming, I think I'll just screw around for a while onY      company time."a
 -- A Sane Manr %%M "He didn't run for reelection.	`Politics brings you into contact with all the-C people you'd give anything to avoid,' he said. `I'm staying home.'" ) -- Garrison Keillor, _Lake_Wobegone_Days_  %%N "If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and! fire them all off, wouldn't you?"e -- Garrison Keilloru %%M "Mr. Spock succumbs to a powerful mating urge and nearly kills Captain Kirk."t9 -- TV Guide, describing the Star Trek episode _Amok_Time_t %%, "Poor man... he was like an employee to me."O -- The police commisioner on "Sledge Hammer" laments the death of his bodyguard% %%# "Trust me.  I know what I'm doing."  -- Sledge Hammer %%J "Hi.  This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine.  Please leave your name andK number... and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate youAJ  in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the F.B.I... BEEEP"  -- Blue Devil comicsh %%K "All God's children are not beautiful.	Most of God's children are, in fact,x barely presentable." -- Fran Lebowitz %%I "If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?"B -- Lily Tomlin %%4 Whom the gods would destroy, they first teach BASIC. %%M "Look! There! Evil!.. pure and simple, total evil from the Eighth Dimension!"t -- Buckaroo Banzai %%( "I may be synthetic, but I'm not stupid"' -- the artificial person, from _Aliens_s %%J "The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy."# -- Louisiana governor Edwin Edwardsn %%; David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans":l> 	* Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO# 	* Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE"a 	* Hourly motel rates,* 	* Vast majority of Elvis movies made here? 	* Didn't just give up right away during World War II like somet 	    countries we could mention-9 	* Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weeniese& 	* Our well-behaved golf professionals  	* Fabulous babes coast to coast %%* "Danger, you haven't seen the last of me!"/    "No, but the first of you turns my stomach!" % -- The Firesign Theatre's Nick Dangern %%& Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.  -- Russian Proverbn %%K "Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.	 If your ideas are any good, / you'll have to ram them down people's throats."h  -- Howard Aiken %%B "When anyone says `theoretically,' they really mean `not really.'"  -- David Parnas %%? "No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it."s
  -- C. Schulz% %%J "The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who makeJ empty prophecies.  The danger already exists that mathematicians have madeE a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in thep bonds of Hell."   -- Saint Augustiner %%/ "For the man who has everything... Penicillin."   -- F. Borquin %%B  "I've finally learned what `upward compatible' means.	It means we$   get to keep all our old mistakes."  -- Dennie van Tasselt %%H "The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones."  -- Nathaniel Howe %%I "It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underware."r -- Norm, from _Cheers_ %%M Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that?K you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".  Disraeli replied, F "That all depends, Sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your
 mistress." %%4 "He don't know me vewy well, DO he?"   -- Bugs Bunny %%C "I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.G#  That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."h/ -- Daffy Duck, Looney Tunes, _Robin Hood Daffy_  %%8 "Would I turn on the gas if my pal Mugsy were in there?""    "You might, rabbit, you might!"4 -- Looney Tunes, Bugs and Thugs (1954, Friz Freleng) %%5 "Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich." 3 -- Looney Tunes, Ali Baba Bunny (1957, Chuck Jones)t %%L "And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?"= -- Looney Tunes, The Scarlet Pumpernickel (1950, Chuck Jones)l %%F "Now I've got the bead on you with MY disintegrating gun.  And when itJ disintegrates, it disintegrates.  (pulls trigger)  Well, what you do know, it disintegrated.". -- Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a half century %%4 "Kill the Wabbit, Kill the Wabbit, Kill the Wabbit!"8 -- Looney Tunes, "What's Opera Doc?" (1957, Chuck Jones) %%5 "I DO want your money, because god wants your money!"a& -- The Reverend Jimmy, from _Repo_Man_ %%J "The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. TheN terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency." -- Albert Einstein %%G "You show me an American who can keep his mouth shut and I'll eat him." 2 -- Newspaperman from Frank Capra's _Meet_John_Doe_ %% 	"And we heard him exclaim 	 As he started to roam: 	 `I'm a hologram, kids,# 	  please don't try this at home!'"d 	-- Bob ViolenceF -- Howie Chaykin's little animated 3-dimensional darling, Bob Violence %%J "The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-SovietL themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week againstI the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: `Hey you stinking fat Russian, getc  off my Ford Escort.'"% -- Dennis Miller, Saturday Night Livep %%L "There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum." --Arthur C. Clarke %%: "They ought to make butt-flavored cat food."   --Gallagher %%C "Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."a
 --Woody Alleni %%N "It's ten o'clock... Do you know where your AI programs are?"  -- Peter Oakley %%M "Ah, you know the type.	 They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks,aP 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big,N scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the onlyL reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."3 -- an analysis of neo-Nazis and such, Badger comicss %%K "Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New YorkIJ City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves) around than any other city in the world."y -- David Letterman %%M "Tourists -- have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies.  When you get B to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay?	I was hitchhiking." -- David Letterman %%H "An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to NewG Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but nots! new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax."r -- David Letterman %%M "Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abrahamo. Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?) 	1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.h 	2) Advising the President.l, 	3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his 	   coffin." -- David Letterman %%2 "If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on*  television with pool cues, who would win? 	1) Ricky Schroder 	2) Gary Coleman" 	3) The television viewing public" -- David Letterman %%8 "If you are beginning to doubt what I am saying, you are  probably hallucinating."-7 -- The Firesign Theatre, _Everything you know is Wrong_1 %%& What to do in case of an alien attack:  T;     1)   Hide beneath the seat of your plane and look away.      2)   Avoid eye contact.r/     3) If there are no eyes, avoid all contact.s   7 -- The Firesign Theatre, _Everything you know is Wrong_a %%* "Nuclear war would really set back cable." - Ted Turner %% "You tweachewous miscweant!"
 -- Elmer Fuddb %%L "I saw _Lassie_. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid neverO spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that deserve a series?"m  -- the alien guy, in _Explorers_ %% "Open Channel D..."y) -- Napoleon Solo, The Man From U.N.C.L.E.f %%( Save the whales.  Collect the whole set. %%) Support Mental Health.  Or I'll kill you.g %% "The pyramid is opening!"b    "Which one?"., "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" -- The Firesign Theatrew %%G "Calling J-Man Kink.  Calling J-Man Kink.  Hash missile sighted, targettD Los Angeles.  Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept.". -- The Firesign Theatre movie, _J-Men Forever_ %%7 "My sense of purpose is gone! I have no idea who I AM!" ?     "Oh, my God... You've.. You've turned him into a DEMOCRAT!"s
 -- Doonesbury  %%5 "You are WRONG, you ol' brass-breasted fascist poop!"o -- Bloom Countyp %%E "Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *can*n you believe?!" -- Bullwinkle J. Moose %%B "Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberrys!"" -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail %%) "Take that, you hostile sons-of-bitches!"a; -- James Coburn, in the finale of _The_President's_Analyst_d %%) "The voters have spoken, the bastards..."a
 -- unknown %%4 "I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk" -- John Huston %% "Be there.  Aloha."o# -- Steve McGarret, _Hawaii Five-Oh_  %%2 "When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro..." -- Hunter S. Thompson  %%, "Say yur prayers, yuh flea-pickin' varmint!" -- Yosemite Samo %%. "There... I've run rings 'round you logically" -- Monty Python's Flying Circus  %%> "Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown!" -- The Ghostbusterse %%K ...Veloz is indistinguishable from hundreds of other electronics businessesaI in the Valley, run by eager young engineers poring over memory dumps latenL into the night.  The difference is that a bunch of self-confessed "car nuts"E are making money doing what they love: writing code and driving fast.d@ -- "Electronics puts its foot on the gas", IEEE Spectrum, May 88 %% "Just the facts, Ma'am" 
 -- Joe Fridayv %%& "I have five dollars for each of you." -- Bernhard Goetz  %%5 Mausoleum:  The final and funniest folly of the rich.d -- Ambrose Bierceu %%J Riches:  A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased."&3 -- John D. Rockefeller, (slander by Ambrose Bierce)r %%( All things are either sacred or profane.% The former to ecclesiasts bring gain;h" The latter to the devil appertain. -- Dumbo Omohundro %%) Saint:  A dead sinner revised and edited.' -- Ambrose Bierce  %%
 Forty two. %%G Meekness:  Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.t -- Ambrose Bierce  %%L Absolute:  Independent, irresponsible.  An absolute monarchy is one in whichJ the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins.  NotG many absolute monarchies are left, most of them having been replaced byaI limited monarchies, where the soverign's power for evil (and for good) iswB greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are governed by chance. -- Ambrose Bierces %%K Abstainer:  A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself aaD pleasure.  A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything butD abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. -- Ambrose Bierced %%M Alliance:  In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their K hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separatelyd plunder a third. -- Ambrose Bierce  %%; Disobedience:  The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.l -- Ambrose Bierce  %%G Egotist:  A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.r -- Ambrose Biercei %%J Administration:  An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to receive4 the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. -- Ambrose Bierce  %%% A penny saved is a penny to squander.y -- Ambrose Bierce  %%M Ocean:  A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man --G who has no gills.* -- Ambrose Bierce  %%K Physician:  One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.  -- Ambrose Biercen %%C Philosophy:  A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.h -- Ambrose Biercel %%I Politics:  A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.e4 The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. -- Ambrose Bierce  %%K Politician:  An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure ofeK organized society is reared.  When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation oftK his tail for the trembling of the edifice.  As compared with the statesman, + he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.  -- Ambrose Biercet %%M Pray:  To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single"  petitioner confessedly unworthy. -- Ambrose Bierceo %%D Presidency:  The greased pig in the field game of American politics. -- Ambrose Bierce  %%J Proboscis:  The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in placeI of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him.  For purposesf( of humor it is popularly called a trunk. -- Ambrose Biercec %%H Inadmissible:  Not competent to be considered.  Said of certain kinds ofE testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to be entrusted with,eL and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of proceedings before themselvesF alone.  Hearsay evidence is inadmissible because the person quoted wasG unsworn and is not before the court for examination; yet most momentoustE actions, military, political, commercial and of every other kind, arelH daily undertaken on hearsay evidence.  There is no religion in the worldF that has any other basis than hearsay evidence.  Revelation is hearsayB evidence; that the Scriptures are the word of God we have only theF testimony of men long dead whose identy is not clearly established andF who are not known to have been sworn in any sense.  Under the rules ofF evidence as they now exist in this country, no single assertion in theE Bible has in its support any evidence admissible in a court of law...a  yK But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily be provedlI that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge tofF mankind.  The evidence (including confession) upon which certain womenI were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is stilloI unimpeachable.  The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic andsK in law.  Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved thanYG the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death.nD If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike% destitute of value.  --Ambrose Biercee %%