$ X-NEWS: spcvxb rec.humor.funny: 1881K Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.0-3 14/03/90 VAX/VMS V5.4; site spcvxb.spc.edu I Path: spcvxb.spc.edu!rutgers!sun-barr!olivea!decwrl!looking!funny-request  Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny  Subject: A long Item% Message-ID: <S3f3.2587@looking.on.ca>  From: strange@cats.ucsc.edu  Date: 23 May 92 23:30:03 GMT) Keywords: original, funny, long, computer  Approved: funny@clarinet.com
 Lines: 428    C   This is something I wrote a few months back which has been making F the rounds at UCSC. It's very long, and my not be suitable for postingI on the net because of that. But it's funny, I think.. anyhow, here it is.    ***************************   9 You are in your dorm room. Your roommate is playing Jello - Biafra. The cups on the desk are shattering.  & There is an unfinished lab book here.   There is a chemistry book here.  There are socks here. # There are empty beer bottles here.   There is a computer here. ! There are six moldy bananas here. . There are several tons of dirty laundry here.   There are shattering cups here.  There is a refrigerator here. " There is a desk with drawers here.    > turn off musicC   Your roommate makes discouraged sounds. The cups stop shattering.  > play beach boys A   Your roommate throws a hammer into your stereo. You now have no * stereo. Your I.Q. Decreases by 10 points.  > fix stereo(   The stereo is shattered beyond repair. > curse stereoC   "May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your erogenous zones!" C The stereo is fixed. The sheer quantity of dirty socks in this room  is making it hard to move.   > look at socks @   They are very smelly. It is getting harder and harder to move. > clean up socks. )   You can't. They're all welded together.  > throw socks out window=   They soar out the window with the greatest of ease, hit the  ground, and shatter. > leave room>   24 hour Dave enters, fiending for weed. He blocks your exit. > kick dave    Dave doesn't seem to notice. > yell at dave   Dave doesn't seem to notice. > feed dave B   Dave thankfully gobbles your food and asks if there is any more. > eat dave's head @   You start chewing on dave's head. Dave doesn't seem to notice.B Your I.Q. goes up forty points. You now understand chapter four of/ your chemistry assignment. Dave is still here.   > work on lab book   You don't have the lab book. > pick up lab book.   It is very heavy. You are carrying too much. > inventory    You are carrying:  A +10 cut-offs of tumescence A +3 tee-shirt of tie-die  A +2 elven sneakers of silence A swiss army knife3 A badly laminated card with a picture of you on it.  A very large ring of Keys. A (much too small) bag of weed.  A package +3 papers of zig-zag.    
 > look papers    The papers are blank.  > drop keys "   You load lightens considerably.  > pick up lab book6   You struggle under the load, but prevail in the end. > do chemistry labC   You have no calculator. Dave grabs the lab book from you and does  the lab. You are thirsty.  > open refrigerator 2   A considerable amount of cheap beer is revealed. > drink cheap beer@   You have an instant hangover. You can't stand up. Dave mutters something about being left out.  > kick dave    Dave doesn't seem to notice. > offer beer to dave<   Dave is drunk. Dave mutters something about being back and leaves.  > leave room/   You can't. You're suffering from a hangover.   > open desk    There is some aspirin here. 
 > eat aspirin 3   YUCK! You munch it up. You begin to feel better.   > leave roomA   The door locks behind you. You are in a north-south hall. There < are several doors here, some marked with magazine clippings.
 > unlock door '   You can't. Your keys are in the room.  > open doorsB   You open the nearest door without knocking. Charles and Anna are@ here. Dave is here. There are clothes on the floor. There are noC clothes on Charles and Anna. You get the feeling you should leave.   > leave room@   As you are leaving, Dave mutters something about Birkenstocks.) You are back in the hall. You are hungry.  > south    You come to a lounge.    There is a door here.    There are two chairs here.   There is a desk here. #   Tony is here, studying chemistry.  > greet tony3   Tony says, "Hey, bro! How's it goin'? Nice suit."  > commiserate with tony C   Tony says, "I'm really stressing hard on this test, bro." You are 
 still hungry.  > open door ?   There are stairs down to the west. There are stairs up to the & west. There is a walkway to the south. > downC   There is an east-west ramp here. There are some people here. They  comment loudly on your nudity. > westB   You are in a quad. There is a picnic table here. The door to the cafeteria is to the north. > north B   They don't let naked people into the cafeteria. You are forcibly ejected. > inventory    You are carrying:  A +10 cut-offs of tumescence A +3 tee-shirt of tie-die  A +2 elven sneakers of silence A swiss army knife3 A badly laminated card with a picture of you on it.  An (even smaller) bag of weed.( A package of blank +3 papers of zig-zag.    > wear shirt7   You are resplendent in your +3 tee-shirt of tie die.  
 > wear shorts     You are now a bulging wonder.  > north +   You are in a room full of simulated food. 
 > eat food9   You aren't even vaguely hungry. In fact, the concept of 7 introducing this swill into your system is bletcherous.  > south    You are in a quad. > smoke weedA   You now have the munchies. Your subjective I.Q. increases by 10 B points. You have a revelation involving the cosmic significance of Spam.  > north <   You are in a room full of an infinite amount of delectable munchables. 
 > eat food   You need a tray first.
 > get tray6   You now have the Tray of Cafeteria Browninan Motion.
 > eat foodA   You serve yourself a generous portion of cafeteria yumness. You B take a seat and begin shoveling it into your face. After two bites' you are full. You have food poisoning.   > leave 9   You can't. The cafeteria is cursed. You still have food 
 poisoning. > search cafeteria?   You find half a bottle of Everclear stashed in the salad bar.  > drink bottle:   Wouldn't you prefer something safer? Like cutting a pre- enrollment line?   > take small sipA   A small sip is probably sufficient to kill all the residents of ? Hong Kong and render it uninhabitable until the lease runs out.  > take small small sip>   You feel the potent brew coursing down your digestive tract,B killing everything in its path. You no longer have food poisoning.+ You pass out. After two hours, you wake up.    You are in a quad. > westC   You are in no shape to move. You attempt to sit up, and the world  does a tap dance on your face.   > wait   Time passes....  > wait   Time passes....  > wait/   Time passes..... The world slows to a waltz.   > west7   There is a militant lesbian here, blocking your path.  > kick lesbian=   She enjoys it. She points out that you are a fascist sexist  bastard. > wait9   The lesbian launches into a discourse on the oppressive  patriarchal system.  > smell lesbian    Don't do that. > pull leg hairsB   You have been kicked in the balls. You pass out. You lose 5 I.Q. points. '   You wake up numb from the waist down.    You are in a quad. > west8   There is a militant lesbian here, blocking your path.  > bash male sex A   The militant lesbian smiles, calls you a sister, and walks off.  > westA   This is a gentle downhill slope. There is a meadow to the west. A The path forks here. There is a path to the northwest. There is a  path to the southwest.   > southwest    You arrive at the mailhouse.   > look in mailbox ?   There are six thousand freshmen kneeling at the bottom row of B boxes. Some are wearing short skirts, but that's slim consolation. > wait   Time passes....  > wait9   Time passes....  A space opens up in front of your box. 
 > look in box @   The space is grabbed faster than you can move. You need split- second reflexes.   > wait   Time passes....  > wait  9   Time passes....  A space opens up in front of your box.  > lunge    You get your spot.
 > look in box %   It's packed to the bursting point. y
 > open box   You goof up. > again0   You goof up. > again C   You finally manage to open the box. Inside there are eight flyersc< for college events that happened three weeks ago. A ninth is= current - an invitation to play croquet with the provost. You @ decline and roundfile the sheaf. There is a package notice here. There is a letter here.u
 > read letter @   You open the letter. It is a long steamy graphic explicit love  letter... from a total stranger. > check addressa<   Both the package notice and the opened letter are for your; boxmate. They are postdated three months ago. You have beene	 airboxed.  > north*C   You are hemmed in by 1000 dorm androids sans brassieres trying tol get to their boxes.  > howl9   Your howling causes the androids to stare at the sky inb/ confusion, giving you time to make your escape.r > northkB   You exit stage left, kicking several fembots in the shins as youC pass. The bit of abuse you inflict causes several of the fembots to  follow you, hoping for more.3   There is a very small grove of trees to the east.e > east@   You are in a grove of trees, some slightly taller than others. There are some fembots here. > northsA   You are in a grove of trees, some slightly smaller than others.e There are some fembots here. e > west@   You are in a grove of trees, some slightly bigger than others. There are some fembots here. > north A   You are in a grove of trees, some slightly leafier than others.  There are some fembots here. > southeastaA   You are in a grove of trees, some slightly greener than others.  There are some fembots here. > east@   You are in a grove of trees, some slightly darker than others. There are some fembots here. > south A   You are in a grove of trees, some slightly moister than others.a There are some fembots here.   > westB   You are in a grove of trees, some slightly creepier than others. There are some fembots here.   > southn?   You are in a grove of trees, some slightly older than others.. There are some fembots here. > westA   You are in a grove of trees, some slightly browner than others.  There are some fembots here. > northd=   You are in a grove of trees, some slightly odoriferous than $ others. There are some fembots here. > west@   You are in a grove of trees, some slightly taller than others. There are some fembots here. > west>   You are standing in the quad again. The smell of sweat socks2 fills the air. The cafeteria is preparing dinner.  There are some fembots here.* There are some shattered sweat socks here.7 There is a small red bottle that says "Drink Me!" here.   There is a book of matches here.: There is a lamp post here. There is a notice pinned to the	 lamppost.k > Get matches. Taken.
 > burn noticer+   Don't you want to see what it says first? 
 > burn noticeo   There are many trees nearby. > burn notice godammit   You must first light a match.e
 > light match    The match refuses to burn. > drop matchA   You violate the ecological pristiness of the area by dropping aaC filthy, unnatural, manmade piece of trash on the ground. One of then8 fembots gets offended and leaves to organize a protest.  > light second match%   The second match bursts into flame.o
 > burn noticee/   The notice burns with a pleasant green flame.e > get bottle+   You take the bottle that says "Drink Me!"a > northr?   You walk to a deserted area between two buildings. There is ai north-south path here.   There are some fembots here. b There are some protesters here.o Your fingers are getting warm. > northi?   You walk north. The path winds around to the east. There is a  building to the north.   There are some fembots here./   There is some chanting coming from the south.p   Your fingers are burning.n > Drop matchB   You drop the match on the ground. Your fingers continue to burn. > Suck on fingerse?   The fembots are offended by the sexual symbolism and leave.   ;   The fire is extinguished. Your fingers are throbbing now.t)   There is a match burning on the ground.o > step on match ?   You step on the match, burning the bottom of your foot in ther6 process. You should remember to wear shoes more often.3   There is a burnt-out match sitting on the ground.s > wear shoes   You move very quietly now.   > northr>   You smack your head into the building. The building does not move.r8   Your I.Q. drops by 10 points. You no longer grok spam. > eastC   You enter the Merrill academic building. You are in a North-Southt: hallway. There is a door to the East. Exit is to the West. > east?   You enter a quiet classroom. The students, who had apparently A been taking an exam, look up at you angrily. The professor glaresaA at you angrily. The students return to their frantic efforts. Then> professor, who looks vaguely familiar, continues to glare. YouA suddenly realize that this is your calculus class, which you havei not attended in three weeks. > sit A   You find an empty desk. The chair squeaks as you seat yourself,o@ causing the student next to you to give you a grimace that wouldB make a good Butthole Surfers album cover. The professor brings you a copy of the midterm. > look test :   You look at the test. The problems on the first page are? impossible. The material on the following eight pages is worse.u1 Test stress causes your I.Q. to drop 100 points. h	 > do testt@   This is impossible, as you have neither pencil nor calculator.< You realize that failing this exam means failing the course. > borrow pencil ?   Your neighbor growls angrily as soon as you start to vocalizef
 your request.t > steal pencilC   You steal the extra pencil from your neighbor's desk. He does not  notice.o	 > do testaC   You start to work on the first problem, even though you have onlyM? a vague understanding of how to solve it. The pencil hurts yourf< charred fingers. Beads of sweat form on your forehead as you9 scratch out calculations that would normally be done on asC calculator. You reach an answer that could not possibly be correct.a > do second problem ?   Just reading the second problem severely stresses your mental ' resources. You suffer a brain embolism.l > do problem?   You begin calculations on the second problem. Sweat begins toeC trickle from your face and armpits. You begin to stink. The trickledC of sweat turns into a raging torrent. Your brain seizes. You cannoto move.  > wait   Time passes... > wait   Time passes... > wait    Time passes. You can move now. > smoke test    Do you really want to do that? > smoke testB   As you inhale the xeroxed papyrus, you feel the knowledge of the7 ancients seeping into your mind. You come to a completepA understanding of the material, but you no longer have anything top	 turn in.   > write answerss+   What do you want to write the answers on?d > paper A   You start scribbling the solutions to the problems on the blankuA papers of zig-zag. Just as you write the last answer, the teachera? collects the exams, staples them together, and leaves. You havet truly smoked this test.e > east@   You are in a north-south hallway. There is a door to the east. > north A   You stumble down the hallway in a northerly direction. Smacking @ into the door at the end and popping it open. You trip over yourB untied shoelaces and fall through the doorway. The door slams shut behind you.  > Tie shoelacesiC   You tie your shoelaces into a very tight knot. Your shoes can now  only be removed by surgery.p     --O Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com..2 Do not use the old site of "looking.on.ca" please.J Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.