L From:	IN%"KENNEDY@Eisner.DECUS.Org"  "Terry Kennedy" 20-JUL-1992 21:55:05.44 To:	IN%"Terry@spcvxa.spc.edu"  CC:	" Subj:	Notefile SHOP_TALK Note 20.8  ' Return-path: <KENNEDY@Eisner.DECUS.Org> B Received: from Eisner.DECUS.Org by spcvxa.spc.edu (PMDF #2329 ) idC  <01GMM7UI76CW8WW9AD@spcvxa.spc.edu>; Mon, 20 Jul 1992 21:54:55 EDT D Received: from Eisner.DECUS.Org by Eisner.DECUS.Org (PMDF #2354 ) idM  <01GMM7KVSJ2U000J8T@Eisner.DECUS.Org>; Mon, 20 Jul 1992 21:47:15 -0400 (EDT) & Date: 20 Jul 1992 21:47:15 -0400 (EDT). From: Terry Kennedy <KENNEDY@Eisner.DECUS.Org>% Subject: Notefile SHOP_TALK Note 20.8  To: Terry@spcvxa.spc.edu1 Message-id: <01GMM7KVSJ2W000J8T@Eisner.DECUS.Org> 6 Organization: Digital Equipment Computer Users Society# X-VMS-To: in%"Terry@spcvxa.spc.edu"  MIME-version: 1.0 * Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN; CHARSET=US-ASCII Content-transfer-encoding: 7BIT   B               <<< EISNER::DUA3:[NOTES$LIBRARY]SHOP_TALK.NOTE;1 >>>0                                  -< SHOP_TALK >-P ================================================================================P Note 20.8                        Computer Humor                           8 of 8P EISNER::ALTOBELLO "Gus Altobello, himself"          148 lines  20-JUL-1992 15:23;                       -< Latest in personnel theory .... >- P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------1     Cross-posted from our AMUSEMENT conference...      P ================================================================================2             --------------------------------------2             -  PACHYDERMIC PERSONNEL PREDICTION  -2             --------------------------------------    I Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the right job L has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and millions of pounds inJ funding. This is particularly true for high-technology organisations whereM talent is scarce and expensive. Recently, however, years of detailed study by N the finest minds in the field of psycho-industrial interpersonnel optimisationP have resulted in the development of a simple and foolproof test to determine the/ best match between personality and profession.      N Now, at last, people can be infallibly assigned to the jobs for which they are truly best suited.   The procedure is simple :   2 Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt elephants !  N The subsequent elephant-hunting behaviour is then categorised by comparison toN the classification rules outlined below. The subject should be assigned to theD general job classification that best matches the observed behaviour.       CLASSIFICATION GUIDELINES  -------------------------      (a) Mathematicians  I Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything = that is not an elephant and catching one of whatever is left.   N Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least oneG unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.    I Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique J elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as( an exercise for their graduate students.     (b) Computer Scientists   / Will hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A :    	1. Go to Africa" 	2. Start at the Cape of Good HopeB 	3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continents%            alternately east and west.  	4. During each traverse pass, 		a. Catch each animal seen.4 		b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.# 		c. Stop when a match is detected.     $ (c) Experienced Computer Programmers  K Will modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that K the algorithm will terminate. Assembly level programmers prefer to execute  F Algorithm A on their hands and knees. 4GL programmers do it in hot airJ balloons with microscopes. 5GL programmers let go of their jeep's steering+ wheel and let it learn by its own mistakes.      (d) Hardware Engineers  I hunt elephants by catching anything that moves and applying electrodes to I various bits of its anatomy until it makes the sound of an elephant, then F replacing that part with the equivalent parts of an aspidistra, before? releasing the elephant again and declaring it fit to be caught.      (e) Economists  I don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough,  they will hunt themselves.     (f) Statisticians   ? hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.      (g) Project Managers  L dont hunt elephant but detail the route around Africa by looking at a map ofH any continent of similar shape then listing all the places starting withJ the letter 'A' first, then 'B', and so on. All hunters will receive travelI schedules with times and distances measured in furlongs per fortnight for J these destinations. It will be assumed all hunters will average a speed of 97.4 mph day and night.      (h) Consultants   J don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but theyK can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations research J consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet colourK to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only  identify the elephants.      (i) Politicians   J don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.     (j) Lawyers   K don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who M owns the droppings. Software Lawyers will claim they own an entire herd based % on the look and feel of one dropping.      (k) Senior Managers   L set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are- just like field mice, but with deeper voices.      (l) Management Consultants  N dont hunt elephants, but write reports concerning their inherent greyness, theL depth of their voices and the size of their toenails. All these factors are,G of course, extremely important in defining any broad ranging, in depth, K corporate Elephant Hunting Policy for The Next Five Years that has any hope % of credibility with the shareholders.       (m) Quality Assurance Inspectors  K ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they  they were packing the jeep.      (n) Salespeople   O dont hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, L for delivery two days before the season opens. Software Salespeople ship theH first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. HardwareN Salespeople catch rabbits, paint them grey and sell them as desktop elephants.  