 X-NEWS: spcvxb alt.sex: 49475 K Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.0-3 14/03/90 VAX/VMS V5.4; site spcvxb.spc.edu \ Path: spcvxb.spc.edu!rutgers!jvnc.net!darwin.sura.net!europa.asd.contel.com!uunet!world!kibo Newsgroups: news.admin,news.groups,alt.config,clari.net.talk,comp.org.eff.talk,alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.john-palmer,alt.sex6 Subject: IMPORTANT PROCLAMATION: THE FUTURE OF THE NET& Message-ID: <BM0GGs.24r@world.std.com>& From: kibo@world.std.com (Leader Kibo) Date: 1 Apr 92 04:00:27 GMT @ Followup-To: news.admin,news.groups,alt.config,comp.org.eff.talk/ Organization: World Headquarters Of The New Net  Summary: Usenet to be replaced. 
 Lines: 221@ Xref: spcvxb news.admin:11965 news.groups:29116 alt.config:6517 X  comp.org.eff.talk:7243 alt.religion.kibology:1370 alt.fan.john-palmer:318 alt.sex:49475   P R O C L A M A T I O N  ***********************   8 WHEREAS, the computer network named USENET has problems:  9 => It is cluttered with thousands of disorganized groups.   A => It is difficult to use due to the various software interfaces.   > => It is infected with viruses, especially in the .signatures.  H THEREFORE, in an official and secret democratic vote, Kibo has been dulyD elected LEADER OF THE NET.  To solve these problems, Leader Kibo hasG decided to take bold measures, a brave new initiative, detailed herein.   9 PHASE ONE.  GLOBAL RMGROUPS FOR ALL USENET GROUPS WILL BE '             ISSUED ON 4/15/92, 0600GMT.   B A Day Without Usenet shall pass, and it will be a time of rest for government employees.   > PHASE TWO.  NEWGROUPS FOR THE GROUPS IN THE NEW HIERARCHY WILL*             BE ISSUED ON 4/16/92, 0600GMT.  F The new network shall be named HAPPYNET, as it will be a Better Place.$ Usenet is dead.  Long live HappyNet!  > ********* HAPPYNET: THE NET THAT'S HAPPIER THAN YOU! *********  * THE NEW NETWORK SHALL BE ORGANIZED THUSLY:  3 Three hierarchies encompassing ALL HUMAN DISCOURSE.   
 =>  nonbozo.*   
 =>  bozo.*   =>  megabozo.*  I Existing groups will be moved into the new organization scheme, resulting H in nonbozo.news.announce.newusers, bozo.rec.pets, megabozo.talk.bizarre,E etc., as determined by scientific measurements of the bozosity of the H groups, measured by Leader Kibo's Council On Scientific Bozosity and theH faculty of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute (Troy, NY), world leaders in bozosity assessment.  0 It is estimated that the breakdown will be thus:    1.0000%  nonbozo.*  90.0000%  bozo.*=  9.0000%  megabozo.*     (Computations courtesy of Bell Labs)   I Bozo.* will, of course, be subdivided logically:  bozo.nerd.*, bozo.tv.*,  bozo.inane.*, bozo.argue.*.   G New groups will also be added for maximum enjoyment.  The network would F be a very unfair place if only Leader Kibo were allowed to propose newG groups.  Instead, because Leader Kibo is benevolent and omnisagaciously ? father-like, he will create WHATEVER GROUP YOU WANT (even, say, E megabozo.kibo.is.a.blenny!) provided that (a) you follow the Official G Procedure, filing all six copies of your request in triplicate and then F making four carbons of each, and (b) you pay Leader Kibo $100 for each9 letter in the new group's name, and $500 for each period.   E Also, over five billion groups will be added at HappyNet's inception,  free of charge!   8 ********* HAPPYNET: EVERYONE IS EQUALLY EQUAL! *********  E To promote EQUALITY and POLITICAL CORRECTNESS (the good kind), Leader A Kibo has decided to correct the inequality of the distribution of C "personal" groups.  Some people, or groups of people, currently are ? popular enough to have groups named in their honor: alt.weemba, > alt.fan.john-palmer, alt.fan.monty-python, alt.fan.dave-barry,@ alt.fan.mike-jittlov, alt.angst.xibo.sex, alt.religion.kibology,D alt.fan.alok-vijayvargia, alt.fan.harry-mandel.  Because everyone isG equal before the eyes of Leader Kibo, it was decided that EVERYONE WILL  HAVE THEIR OWN GROUP.   I A scientific questionnaire developed specifically for the purpose will be 0 mailed to everyone on the planet.  It will read:  $     Dear Citizen Of The New Network,@         You will be assigned your own group, placement depending+     on your answer to this simple question.   &     ARE YOU A BOZO?     [] YES   [] NO  D People who answer "yes" will be given groups in bozo.personal.*, andC people who answer "no" will be given groups in megabozo.personal.*. F People who refuse to answer, or show contempt for the process, will beD taken (by the Network Security Patrol) to the Citadel Of Judgment toF appear before the Council Of Bozosity, who will examine the person and6 assign them either bozo.weenie.* or megabozo.weenie.*.  E Of course, this would be POINTLESS if anyone in the world were DENIED  ACCESS to HappyNet.   1 ********* HAPPYNET: A NET IN EVERY POT! *********   F Net access will be provided to EVERY SINGLE PERSON, LIVING, UNBORN, ORI DEAD, thanks to the new TELESCREENS which will be installed in every room I of every building on the planet.  Not only will this encourage higher net I communications volume, it will also help Leader Kibo be a good leader, as I it will allow Leader Kibo to instantly broadcast to all his subjects, and 4 to see how they are feeling and what they are doing.  E In fact, it will even allow Leader Kibo to know what his subjects are E THINKING, thanks to the heroic actions of the NETWORK SECURITY PATROL  FORCE.  : ********* HAPPYNET: WE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING *********  I The Network Security Patrol Force, or NSPF, will be composed of volunteer A system administrators who wish to enforce the continued accuracy, F relevance, and acceptability of HappyNet postings.  They will monitor,H censor, and cancel bad postings, made by EVIL SUBVERSIVES who attempt to DEPRIVE you of your HAPPINESS.  H They have really spiffy uniforms, especially the shiny gas masks and the; twelve-inch-thick shoulder pads and the twelve-inch cleats.   4 And, of course, they will punish evildoers at night.  A ********* HAPPYNET: ACCURACY IS EVERYTHING ON HAPPYNET! *********   I Here are examples of infractions against the unwritten rules of HappyNet, = and the punishments the NSPF will bring against the villains.     H .signature longer than four lines: Forced to read "War And Peace" at 110 baud.   I Posting an article consisting solely of "Me too!": Poster's legal name is  officially changed to "Me Too".   A Calling a newsgroup a "bboard" or "notesfile": Forced to memorize  Webster's Ninth.  ; Spelling "too" as "to", "it's" as "its", "lose" as "loose", F "Anti-Semetic", or "masterbation": Forced to write out Webster's Ninth
 ten times.  C Asking what ":-)" means: Drawing, quartering, and turning sideways.   I Sending a newgroup without permission of Leader Kibo: Poster is forced to # adopt twelve wacky sitcom children.   I Posting flames outside of a *.flame group: Poster is allowed to read only  groups about fluffy puppies.  F Posting "Please send e-mail, since I don't read this group": Poster is- rendered illiterate by a simple trephination.   I Asking for people to send cards to Craig Shergold: Poster must answer all  of Craig's mail.  E Posting an article with a malformed address so that mail bounces when F people reply: Poster and/or their admin are sent back to kindergarten.  I Spelling name in huge script letters: Poster is forced to tattoo HappyNet - slogans on their body in huge script letters.   H Excess CAPITALIZATION & PUNCTUATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!: Poster is issued a new) keyboard without capitals or punctuation.   E *Excess*asterisks*in*.signature*: Poster is hit with one shuriken for  each asterisk.  I Articles quoted in followup, but no new semantic content appended: Poster 9 is forced to watch a "Small Wonder" marathon on cable TV.   C Advertising on the net: Poster is forced to pay Leader Kibo for the  advertising time.   H Asking help for some program but not saying what sort of computer you're. using: Poster's computer is reduced to 1K RAM.  G Arguing over whose computer is better: Being introduced to Leader Kibo, E whose custom Mondo Zeugma 6866688786/XA/sxe/IV computer is far better 2 than theirs and will make them cry in humiliation.  9 Referring to the NSPF as "The Thought Police": Execution.    Humor impairment: Execution.  D Saying "Imminent death of the net predicted!": Imminent execution of poster predicted.e  - There are others, but they are double secret.w  B Of course, various branches of the NSPF will specialize in variousC enforcements: the Spelling Squad, the Grammar Goons, the DefinitionEG Draconians, the Typo Tyrants, the Capitalization Captains, the Pedanticr+ Patriots, and the .signature .specialforce.0  H Alt.flame (now megabozo.alt.flame) will be moderated by tale@rpi.edu, asD his news.announce.newgroups duties have been assumed by Leader Kibo.  B A program that determines how funny an article is by measuring theI frequency of the "k" sound (an elementary comedic principle discovered int@ Kukamonga, Arkansas) will replace rec.humor.funny moderator Brad8 Templeton, allowing him to devote full time to ClariNet.  I Iain Sinclair will ensure that the link between Australia and the rest of E the world is down on a regular schedule, instead of an irregular one.f  E LEGAL NOTICE: Disclaimers are NOT required on articles, therefore you  MUST include the following:nI Disclaimer: This disclaimer is not required by Leader Kibo.  This articleoH does not necessarily represent the opinions of Leader Kibo.  Have a nice day.  @ ******** HAPPYNET: A BLAST TO LIGHT OUR GLOWING FUTURE! ********  = In the future, HappyNet will be expanded to replace the otherTD `conventional' media, such as newspapers, television, radio, standupH comedy, and sex.  .signatures will be sixty-second commercials.  Alt.sex= (bozo.alt.sex) will be interactive and finally worth reading.   = ********* HAPPYNET: YOU CONTROL HOW IT CONTROLS YOU ********* 