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 >                     Bill Gates And No Sympathy For The Devil
+                                        or
 ;                        An Interview With Mr. B. L. Zeebub
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2                                by John C. Dvorak
5                             25-May-92 -- Microtimes
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I            On April 15, 1992, I was granted an exclusive interview with
 D       the master of darkness, Mr. B. L. Zeebub, head honcho of the
G       underworld, sometimes known as "Satan" or "the devil".  Since I
 K       avoid association with his clan, he contacted me by MCI Mail to set
 E       up a meeting.  He had learned that I was looking into various
 L       industry moguls who are believed to have made a deal with the devil,
D       and that I had become something of an expert on the subject.
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K            Because of an unusual deal he made with Bill Gates, Mr. Zeebub
 G       thought it would be good to have a meeting.  We chose a neutral
 D       spot, the lobby of the San Francisco Marriott, to meet.  The
J       conversation was taped, and the following is an edited transcript.
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K       DVORAK: So, exactly why did you call for this meeting?  I find this
                unusual.
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K       ZEEBUB: It's quite out of the ordinary for me, too, but I have done
 F               quite a few deals with many of the richest men in high
I               technology, and I want to go public with the information.
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3       DVORAK: Why?  What difference does it make?
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L       ZEEBUB: Not wanting to name names, I did a deal with Bill Gates, and
J               it's causing some confusion and consternation with some of
"               the other fellows.
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G       DVORAK: Bill Gates?  Don't tell me he sold his soul to become a
                billionaire?
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6       ZEEBUB: Well, that's what we thought at first.
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E               The deal was pretty straightforward.  He's one of the
 H               richest men in the world and can have anything he wants.
F               This is, of course, thanks to me.  After he's dead I'm
E               supposed to have certain rights that supersede normal
 E               procedure.  Now we've discovered that this will never
                happen.
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/       DVORAK: So he sold his soul to be rich?
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L       ZEEBUB: It's not that simple.  Gates is too smart for that kind of a
J               deal.  He's a tough negotiator.  I think the contract is a
               bit unusual.
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       DVORAK: For example?
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J       ZEEBUB: Well, his attorneys did a great job -- and I admit this --
K               making sure that he's protected from those notorious tricks
   L                                                                     Page 2
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+               you've heard so much about.
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I               Gates' people made sure none of that kind of nonsense was
 G               allowable.  We actually may have been premature when we
 G               signed it.  He seems to have a lot of clauses my people
 K               didn't understand.  We were so concerned with his soul that
 I               we didn't pay enough attention to his attorneys.  The guy
 3               just doesn't look that threatening.
  
L       DVORAK: Uh, let me get this straight.  You did a deal with Gates and
%               the deal favored him?
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L       ZEEBUB: Well, it actually may be worse than that.  I'm not sure what
%               to do about about it.
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H               Gate's deal has some interesting performance clauses and
F               some fallback language that they slipped by us.  Gates
K               requires that his net worth increase $10 billion by the end
 J               of 1992 and then double each year for the next five years.
G               It was written in such a way that we didn't see how the
 7               numbers were going to increase so fast.
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H               My people are having a hell of a time, pardon my French,
E               maintaining his wealth curve.  We got him up to eight
 ?               billion or so and can probably meet this year's
 J               requirements, but to double it again is going to be tough.
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<       DVORAK: So throw in the towel.  What's the big deal?
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I       ZEEBUB: It turns out that if we don't perform, Gates gets gets my
                business.
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7       DVORAK: What do you mean, "gets your business"?
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B       ZEEBUB: Takes over the business.  You know, like, owns it.
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J               He gets all those contracts from me.  Can you imagine what
J               will happen when those guys who signed up with me from Sun
I               Microsystems, for example, find out that Gates gets their
                souls!?!?
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H       DVORAK: You mean he'd get their souls?  Like for eternity?  That
L               kind of thing?  What would he do with them.  What about when
#               he grows old and...
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H       ZEEBUB: Oh, he's already immortal.  That was another deal he did
I               with an associate long ago.  Bill Gates is 208 years old!
 I               If I had known about it I wouldn't have done this deal in
                 the first place.
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E               Anyhow, I have no idea what he'd do with their souls.
 J               Auction them, I suppose.  It's not them I'm worried about.
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                   ___
*       DVORAK: Who are you worried about?
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%                                  ___
 K       ZEEBUB: Me.  My counselors now tell me that if I go into default he
 #                                 __
 *               will actually own my soul.
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J       DVORAK: Wow.  First the business, then the soul.  How could such a
  L                                                                     Page 3
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J               thing happen?  What would it mean to the scheme of things?
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E       ZEEBUB: That's what we're trying to figure out.  My long-term
 K               obligations to the universe and the good-evil continuum are
 K               in jeopardy.  There's a rumor going around that Gates wants
 J               to parcel hell, put in a fake beach and sell condos.  It's
G               not that I care that much about the property.  It's the
 '               principle of the thing.
  
4       DVORAK: So what's the point of this meeting?
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-       ZEEBUB: Do you know any good lawyers?
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3       DVORAK: I thought you had them all in hell.
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6       ZEEBUB: They don't keep up with current cases.
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K            Shortly thereafter I left Mr. Zebub in the Marriott lobby.  He
 K       looked depressed.  I agreed to publish this interview as a plea for
 K       an attorney for the devil.  I'm told that attorneys know how to get
        in touch with him.
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(       Copyright 1992 by John C. Dvorak
