 From:	MCHENRY 15-FEB-1985 02:19  To:	@[LANLDB]MOSAICGRP Subj:	a little levity&  ) HOW NOT TO WRITE, courtesy of John Dolan.  9 Here's the collage of unconscionably bad, but hilariously * funny writing on history I told you about:  L Editor's note: Those of us who have taught English composition, or history, G or subjects in which students have regularly produced written work, can M appreciate the humor of this version of European history from the Middle Ages M to the present. The author, a veteran of the university classroom, has assem- N bled fragments of student papers--papers collected in his history classes over6 a five-year period--into this chronological narrative.  7            A History of the Past:  Life Reeked With Joy   A   History, as we know, is always bias, because human beings have  B to be studied by other human beings, not by independent observers  of another species.   J   During the Middle Ages, everybody was middle aged. Church and state wereK co-operatic. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords, and surfs. It M is unfortunate that we do not have a medivel European laid out on a table be- K fore us, ready for dissection. After a revival of infantile commerce slowly N creeped into Europe, merchants appeared. Some were sitters and some were drif-I ters. They roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organized big K fairies in the countryside. Mideval people were violent. Murder during this K period was nothing. Everybody killed someone. England fought numerously for L land in France and ended up wining and losing. the Crusades were a series ofJ military expeditions made by Christians seeking to free the holy land (the' "Home Town" of Christ) from the Islams.   K   I think I'll send the rest in installments. Feel free to distribute it to B the rest of the MOSAIC group--I think they'd get a kick out of it.  +                                        John   J   In the 14 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of yeowlsM arose. Finally, Europe caught the Black Death. The bubonic plague is a social H disease in the sense that it can be transmitted by intercourse and otherM etceteras. It was spread from port to port by inflected rats. Victims of the  K Black Death grew boobs on their necks. The plague also helped the emergence O of the English language as the national language of England, France, and Italy.   N   The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renascence bolted in from the blue.N Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals felt the value of their human being. Italy, of course, was much closer to the rest of the world, thanks to northern Europe. Man was determined to civilize himself and his L brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became sheik to be cated. Art was onL a more associated level. Europe was full of incredible church with great artH bulging out their doors. Renaissance merchants were beautiful and almost	 lifelike.   I The Reformation happened when German nobles resented the idea that tithes I were going to Papal France or the Pope thus enriching Catholic coiffures. H Traditions had become oppressive so they too were crushed in the wake ofK man's quest for resurrection above the not-just-social beast he had become. K An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door. Theologically,M Luther was into reorientation mutation. Calvinism was the most convenient re- H ligion since the days of the ancients.  Anabaptist services tended to beK migratory. The Popes, of course, were usually Catholic. Monks went right on L seeing themselves as worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century.  K   After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish  could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold throughout northern Europe which would include their possessions in Italy, Burgundy, central Europe and M India thus surrounding France. The German Emperor's lower passage was blocked " by the French for years and years.  J   Louis XIV became King of the Sun. He gave the people food and artillery.J If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the restK of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation. In Russia, the O 17th century was known as the time of the bounding of the serfs. Russian nobles_L wore clothes only to humor Peter the Great. Peter filled his government withM accidental people and built a new capital near the European boarder. Orthodox # priests became government antennae.$  L   The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare wrote a book called CandyM that got him into trouble with Frederick the Great. Philosophers were unknown L yet, and the fundamental stake was one of religious toleration slightly con-N fused with defeatism. France was in a very serious state. Taxation was a greatK drain on the state budget. The French revolution was accomplished before it L happened. The revolution evolved through monarchial, republican and tolarianM phases until it catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon was ill with bladder prob- ) lems and was very tense and unrestrained. 