8 From:	IN%"ben@st.canard.spc.edu"  7-FEB-1992 17:32:42.11 To:	IN%"smith_r@spcvxa.spc.edu", IN%"terry@spcvxa.spc.edu", IN%"ben@spcvxa.spc.edu", IN%"carin@doc.dss.com", IN%"lowell@pluto.dss.co"  CC:	# Subj:	Our Crazy Language - humorous   ! Return-path: <ben@spcvxe.spc.edu> @ Received: from spcvxe.spc.edu by spcvxa.spc.edu (PMDF #12700) id?  <01GG8UW7TNI88WW0EC@spcvxa.spc.edu>; Fri, 7 Feb 1992 17:32 EST > Received: by spcvxe.spc.edu id AA06450 (5.65c/IDA-1.4.4); Fri,  7 Feb 1992 17:31:03 -0500$ Date: Fri, 7 Feb 1992 17:31:03 -0500$ From: Ben Cohen <ben@spcvxe.spc.edu>& Subject: Our Crazy Language - humorousE To: smith_r@spcvxa.spc.edu, terry@spcvxa.spc.edu, ben@spcvxa.spc.edu, '  carin@doc.dss.com, lowell@pluto.dss.co  Reply-to: ben@st.canard.spc.edu 1 Message-id: <199202072231.AA06450@spcvxe.spc.edu>  X-Phone: (201) 451-5959  X-Favorite-Comic: Cerebus     L >Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.0-3 14/03/90 VAX/VMS V5.4; site spcvxb.spc.edu >Path: spcvxb.spc.edu!rutgers!usc!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!cis.ohio-state.edu!sei.cmu.edu!fs7.ece.cmu.edu!crabapple.srv.cs.cmu.edu!cs.cmu.edu!jfriedl >Newsgroups: comp.lang.perl  >Subject: Re: Native Languages0 >Message-ID: <1992Feb07.125907.72811@cs.cmu.edu>0 >From: jfriedl@cs.cmu.edu (Jeffrey E. F. Friedl) >Date: 7 Feb 92 12:59:07 GMTO >References: <wy5Hdvh_4@cs.psu.edu> <CLIPPER.92Jan16230229@no13sun.csd.uwo.ca>  K > <1992Jan29.003714.26106@uunet.uu.net> <1992Feb6.235821.1301@tc.fluke.COM> 2 >Organization: Carnegie Mellon / Omron Corporation) >Nntp-Posting-Host: tubby.mach.cs.cmu.edu 
 >Lines: 78 > F |> >>When I was in high school learning English (my third language), IF |> >>asked most of the questions too. Why use English. So complicated. |>  E |> >(except for the addition of an `s' to third person verbs), and no C |> >gender for nouns. True, most sentences will mean the same thing E |> >even if the words are scrambled (for apples to the store went I), I |> >and often the meanings are ambiguous (left turn only from left lane).   5 Here's a perl program relative to the discussion. (-:   
 print <DATA>;  __END__  			OUR CRAZY LANGUAGE 2 	Condensed from "Crazy English" by Richard Lederer 		   Reader's Digest, June 1990   F  "IF PRO AND CON ARE OPPOSITES, IS CONGRESS THE OPPOSITE OF PROGRESS?"  N English is the most widely used language in the history of our planet.  One inK every seven human beings can speak it.  More than half of the world's books K and three-quarters of international mail are in English.  Of all languages, K English has the largest vocabulary - perhaps as many as TWO MILLION words - , and one of the noblest bodies of literature.  M Nonetheless, let's face it:  English is a crazy language.  There is no egg in H eggplant, neither pine nor apple in pineapple and no ham in a hamburger.H English muffins weren't invented in England or french fries in France.  F Sweetmeats are candy, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.  M We take English for granted.  But when we explore its paradoxes, we find that L quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, public bathrooms have no8 baths and a guinea pig is neither a pig nor from Guinea.  J And why is it that a writer writes, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't J groce, humdingers don't hum and hammers don't ham?  If the plural of toothI is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?  One goose, two geese - N so one moose, two meese?  One index, two indices - one Kleenex, two Kleenices?  L Doesn't it seem loopy that you can make amends but not just one amend, that M you comb through the annals of history but not just one anal?  If you have a  K bunch of odds and ends and you get rid of all but one, what do you call it?   J If the teacher taught, why isn't it true that the preacher praught?  If a J horsehair mat is made from the hair of horses and a camel's-hair coat fromE the hair of camels, from what is a mohair coat made?  If a vegetarian N eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?  If you wrote a letter, perhaps you also bote your tongue?  K Sometimes I wonder if all English speakers should be committed to an asylum M for the verbally insane.  In what other language do people drive on a parkway I and park in a driveway?  Recite at a play and play at a recital?  Ship by G truck and send cargo by ship?  Have noses that run and feet that smell?   J How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and aI wise guy are opposites?  How can OVERLOOK and OVERSEE be opposites, while J QUITE A LOT and QUITE A FEW are alike?  How can the weather be hot as hell" one day and cold as hell the next?  H Did you ever notice that we talk about certain things only when they areI absent?  Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown, met a K sung hero or experienced requited love?  Have you ever run into someone who - was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?   K And where are the people who ARE spring chickens or who actually WOULD hurt I a fly?  I meet individuals who CAN cut the mustard and whom I WOULD touch > with a ten-foot pole, but I cannot talk about them in English.  I You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house G can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it 7 out and in which your alarm clock goes off by going on.   M English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity J of the human race (which, of course, isn't really a race at all).  That isJ why, when stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out theyG are invisible.  Any why, when I wind up my watch I start it, but when I  wind up this essay I end it.  
 endofprint --  8 Ben Cohen		ben@st.canard.spc.edu, ...!rutgers!spcvxb!benC St. Peter's College	Jersey City, NJ  USA -or- 40-42-57 N/74-03-54 W K    Gimme back my face. You're getting it ugly! -- Negaduck to Drake Mallard 