+ X-NEWS: spcvxb alt.folklore.computers: 5445 I Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.0 13.10.90 VAX/VMS V5.4; site spcvxb.spc.edu | Path: spcvxb.spc.edu!njin!princeton!udel!wuarchive!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!rpi!dali.cs.montana.edu!milton!Tomobiki-Cho!mrc" Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers$ Subject: Re: Once upon a time (long)+ Message-ID: <11193@milton.u.washington.edu> 8 From: mrc@Tomobiki-Cho.CAC.Washington.EDU (Mark Crispin) Date: 15 Nov 90 22:06:15 GMT$ Sender: news@milton.u.washington.edu" References: <rani.658671191@makro>; Organization: Mendou Zaibatsu, Tomobiki-Cho, Butsumetsu-Shi  Lines: 1235     A Here's "Software Wars", which I wrote in 1978 as a parody of STAR B WARS, "Hardware Wars", Computer Science teaching fads (at the timeD Pascal was the rage), and the (at that time) relatively new trend ofC TV programs to suggest racy content without actually having any (or D rather, racy for your Ladies' Church Group -- today all TV in the US is like this).  E It presupposes some knowledge of the WAITS operating system (a PDP-10 E OS that had a common ancestor with DEC's TOPS-10 OS in the late 60's) E and of the social and cultural environment at the Stanford Artificial F Intelligence Laboratory in its twilight years (SAIL effectively ceased to exist in 1980).  ( Hit 'n' now if you don't want to see it.                              *                              Software Wars    +                             by Mark Crispin         '                                 WARNING     9                This story  is intended for  adult reading 9                only.  While not  "hard core", there  is a 9                lot of rude language, rowdyness,  and some 9                sexual content.  With this story, you will 9                gain insight into many things: plagiarism, 9                the perversity  of the author's  mind, the 9                wisdom   of  the   obscenity   laws,  your                 gullibility...   9                None of  this is  intended to  offend.  If 9                this  isn't to  your tastes,  you'd better 9                put  this story  down, back  on  the juicy 9                pile of pink-slip paraphernalia  where you 9                found it.  If you read on, or even  if you )                don't, you've been warned.        Copyright (c) 1978 Mark Crispin I Software Wars                                                          1     ,                             Acknowledgements  H      The libel  laws prevent me  from mentioning by  name all  those whoH have  helped  me  in  writing this  turkey,  but  I  will  mention theirA contributions here, so that I don't get stuck with all the blame:     >                To the people who  brought us STAR WARS,  for a>           movie packed with outworn cliches, yet  dull; filled>           with   symbolic   symbolisms   symbolizing  symbolic>           nothings,  for   providing  me  with   ample  source>           material.  All kidding aside, STAR WARS is  indeed a>           masterpiece of science  fiction and fantasy.   It is>           an honor to be able  to spoof it; and more so  if my>           readers have as  much fun reading this  little take-"           off as I had writing it.  >                To  the  people  who  made  HARDWARE  WARS, for;           starting me off on this thing in the first place.   >                To everybody here at the lab, for  providing me>           with material to fill in the gaps in the  story.  My>           apologies to those who might see a bit of themselves9           in the story, and yes, my insurance is paid up!   >                To  the  computer  center  where  I   spent  my>           undergraduate years, whose regressive and repressive>           policies  provided me  with ample  material  for the!           policies of the Empire.   >                To  the  friends who  have  read  and proofread>           drafts of the story  from time to time,  for helping"           in some quality control.  >                And finally, to  a good friend, who  was hooked>           from the beginning; who continually encouraged me as>           we saw the story evolve and take a form of  its own;>           who  showed  me  worlds of  science  fiction  that I>           didn't know existed before; and who provided me with>           material which  eventually determined the  shape and&           body of this story.  Thanks.  <      Now that that's all taken care of, on with the story...I Software Wars                                                          2     *                               Introduction  H      Once upon a time, sort of long ago, well, uh, you know what I mean,H it wasn't  really long long  ago but it  wasn't like yesterday,  I mean,H when you say long ago to  some people they think like oodles  and oodlesH of eons ago and other people  think it was last night or  something, butH this is sort of in the  middle long ago oh forget it.  Anyway,  long agoH and far away, well, not like so far away you can't imagine it I mean youH could probably get  to it if  you had a  fast enough starship  and livedH long enough but it wasn't near like next door or on this planet or solarH system or even in this galaxy,  like that is near and this was  far away( like another universe oh hell forget it.  H      Long ago and far away, the data processing galaxy was ruled  by theH sinister  forces of  the  PASCAL Empire.   Years  ago, it  had  been theH Hacking Republic, where all programming languages and  programmers livedH together in peace and harmony.   The land of the Republic  was patrolledH by the Wizards,  skilled in all forms  of magic, who daily  unveiled newH miracles for  the wonder  of the  citizens of  the Republic.   They drewH their  mystical powers  from The  Hack, which  was their  succor  in any difficulty.   H      But the days of the Republic were numbered, for one of the Wizards,H Daemon Feature,  fell in  with the  PASCALs, who  brought in  crocks andH bletcherousness  to  the  beleaguered  Republic.   Using   methods  bothH sinister and cunning, he managed to entrap most of the loyal  Wizards inH a fencepost error, where they were ruthlessly slaughtered.  At  last theH Republic was proclaimed  to have ended,  and the Empire  was establishedH with  Recordstructure, the  leader of  the PASCALs,  proclaimed Emperor.H The old  Republic's Senate was  reduced to a  mere rubber stamp  for the1 Emperor.  And the lot of programmers was unhappy.   H      As  our story  begins, civil  war has  broken out.   Rebel hackers,H striking  out from  a  hidden data  base,  have won  a  surprise victoryH against the  Empire.  In the  course of the  battle, rebel  spies seizedH copies of the Empire's design of the TENTH STAR, their new processor andH operating  system.  Horrified,  they transmitted  the plans  to PrincessH Lay-me, to be given to her father, so that the design of the new machineH could be analysed before it  became operational.  If the rebels  fail toH design  a  winning monitor  for  it  in time,  its  lossage  will spreadH throughout the universe.  Fear would keep the more  timid administrators> in line; and that would be the end of all programming winnage.  H      Now,  a small  ship,  bearing Princess  Lay-me and  two  snoids, isH speeding  through  space,  an  Empire  destroyer  hot  in   pursuit  and
 gaining...I Software Wars                                                          3     2                       The Princess pleads for help  H      The Big  Nastie, a  feared vessel  of the  Empire's fleet,  had nowH approached  within tractor  range  of the  tiny ship.   Already,  it wasH entangling the smaller  vessel in its  inescapable web of  circular data+ structures.  Princess Lay-me acted quickly.   H      "Hey, snoid," she snarled at U-2-buckeroo, a video  switched snoid,H "get ready to record a message  for me."  At that, the snoid made  a fewC clicking sounds as it mounted a spare cassette and started running.   H      "NOT NOW!!"  Lay-me shrieked.   "Wait until I  get my  negligee on.H How the fuck do you expect  me to seduce some poor young kid  into doingH all sorts  of idiotic things  for our cause  wearing this?  Oh  shit, myH hair  is messed  up too.   Fuck it,  I'll just  change and  run  a brushH through it a couple of minutes."  She was thus engaged as her  craft wasH slowly being dragged back with greater and greater recursion.   Soon its+ stack would overflow and all would be lost.1  H      "Okay,  pretty shitty  but it'll  hafta do,"  she told  the waitingH snoid.  Then, lying back so as to emphasize her well-endowed cleavage as much as possible, she began.  H      "Heeeelp meee,"  she purred.  U-2-buckeroo  clicked in  surprise atH the sudden,  but pleasant,  change in  her voice.   "Oh heeeelp  me MobyH Foobar.  It's just pooor li'l ol' me all alone in the big bad  world." AH tear appeared in her eye and slowly rolled down one cheek.  "I just haveH to get  these papers to  my daddy  at Automagic or  who knows  what willH become of me."  She started sobbing uncontrollably, and gestured  to the< snoid to stop the recording.  Instantly she straightened up.  H      "You got that right?" she growled.  Another click.  "If you screwedH this up  I'll pull yar  plug and  sell ya for  scrap metal."   The snoidH beeped in fear as it hurried  to assure her no mistakes were  made.  She@ glared at it with a look that would melt titanium, then relaxed.  H      "Okay, I believe you.  Now take these papers and lock them in core.H I don't want nobody getting swapped in until it's finished."   The snoidH beeped  acknowledgement and  departed.  Just  in time,  for at  the nextH instant in rushed the soldiery  of the Empire: CS profs,  grad students,H and not a few bureaucrats were among them.  They howled with glee at theH sight of the seductively clad Princess.  They were about to  perform allH sorts of foul deeds upon her body when the ship's intercom rang out with a feared voice.s  H      "The Princess  is not  to be  molested," said  the voice  of DaemonH Feature.  "She is to be brought to me for interogation immediately." TheH boarding party froze,  and, grumbling, retreated, leaving  an untouched, but disappointed, princess.s  D      "Oh shit!" she sighed.  Daemon Feature was absolutely hopeless.  >         <<What will happen to the Princess?  What  does Daemon>           Feature want with her?  What reader is so naive that5           he can't figure it out himself?  Read on!>> I Software Wars                                                          4     4                    Snoids are more fun than duckies!  H      U-2-buckeroo  rolled  down  the  corridor,  heedless  of  the  loudH commotion  in  the  control  room.   The  Empire  would  not   think  ofH intercepting a  snoid, at  least not until  too late.   But U-2-buckerooH didn't have much time; the  B-movie heavies may be dumb, but  they would; figure it out soon enough, too soon if it wasted much time.s  H      "Oh!  There you are  thweetie!"  It was the voice  of C-me-poo-poo,H the ship's interior decoration snoid.  "Where have you been?  I wath thoH worried!  Oh dear, oh my, they are going to dithcharge our power packth,H I juth know it.  Oh what thall we do oh what thall we do?"  As C-me-poo-H poo spoke, its wrist joint wagged in frantic semaphore.  "What  were youH doing  with the  Princeth all  that time  alone, letting  me  juth worryH mythelf thilly  over you?"   U-2-buckeroo just  rolled by,  ignoring the ridiculous snoid.   H      "Juth where are you going?" C-me-poo-poo demanded.  "Thomtimeth youH are juth impothible to talk to.  Now come back here."  U-2-buckeroo justH rolled on, now heading away from C-me-poo-poo.  "Well, I know  when I'veH been thnubbed.  It'th all over between uth."  U-2-buckeroo continued on,H and turned into an airlock.  C-me-poo-poo stood there for a second, then8 dashed into the airlock just before the I-level timeout.  H      And KERZOOM!  They were both whisked away in a single  packet (withH the priority bit  set) through the network  and onto a  seemingly desertH host.  They  were on  a bleak, windswept  plateau overlooking  a searingH desert.  There  was no  sign of  life; not  that there  would be  in theH endlessly  shifting  sands  below.   C-me-poo-poo  was   still  babblingH endlessly,  giving   U-2-buckeroo  "one  last   chance"  to   "save  our relationship."  H      U-2-buckeroo started down into the valley.  C-me-poo-poo  was stillH babbling  away in  despair  and finally  blew a  circuit  breaker.  U-2-H buckeroo had now reached the valley and was now cutting straight throughH the valley towards the outskirts  on the other side, where  its eventual destination lay.  H      It was perilous for U-2-buckeroo to take this route, but  it neededH speed, and could not afford the time it would take to go around the longH way.  The valley, which  had looked desolate from the  heights, actuallyH was filled with mechanical activity  of the lowest sort.  Here  were theH ripoffs of  the galaxy.   Not a few  IBM 370s  were there,  warring overH their individual  territories.  U-2-buckeroo's hope  was to  get through this jungle unnoticed.  H      "Wanna date?" asked a cute little System/3 which had  boldly walkedH up to it.  U-2-buckeroo beeped a "No thanks", and instantly the failsafeH systems   started   passing   the  message   to   the   system  console:H MALFUNCTIONING SNOID.   U-2-buckeroo had  no time  to feep  an objectionH before it was  powered down and moved  to the shop for  examination.  InH its last voltage-starved cycles, it wondered how much longer  the authorH was going to  get away with  this sort of  garbage.  It wasn't  the only one!  >         <<Are things ever  in a mess  now!  The princess  is a>           prisoner of  Daemon Feature,  the snoids  are turned>           off.  Is there  any hope?  Does anybody  care?  Read           on!>>rI Software Wars                                                          5e    -                           Back on the farm...   H      Fluke Softwarespecialist  sighed with relief  as he made  the finalH pass over the card decks for the day.  Then he looked at the horizon; itH was fiery red, but elsewhere  night was already setting in.  He  set his) vessel's autopilot for home, and relaxed.r  H      He had  been living  here with his  aunt and  uncle ever  since hisH parents died when he was a young child.  He had been told that  they hadH been killed when their crippled  vessel burned up upon reentry  to theirH home planet.  He had never  heard any other account, and his  father hadH been given full honors by the Empire, but he had heard dark stories that all was not as it had seemed.r  H      But when  he had brought  it up  to his aunt  and uncle,  they onlyH repeated to him  what he had  already been told.   If the truth  was any& different, it had been well concealed.  H      Not that  he had  any reason to  suspect them;  they had  been likeH parents to him and he had always been treated with kindness.   His uncleH had  lived here  since before  Fluke was  born, and  over the  years hadH established a  prosperous, if  unpretentious, business,  supplying COBOLH utilities for many  of the settlements in  this quadrant of  the galaxy.H Fluke loved them dearly, but he was restless, and did not want to followB in his uncle's footsteps; he yearned for adventure and excitement.  H      He joined  his uncle, who  was busy with  a group of  snoiders, theH cloaked traders in abandoned  junk snoids who wandered around  the area.H Good, Fluke thought,  he's getting some  more snoids.  Perhaps  with theH new snoids he  would be able to  leave these card punches  forever.  HisH uncle  had  decided  upon  two abandoned  snoids  which  had  been foundH wandering on the planet; a buckeroo and a poo-poo.  Not really  what wasG needed; but the price was right and perhaps they could be reprogrammed."  H      His uncle  paid for  the snoids  and they  all went  inside.  FlukeH started cleaning  and repairing  them (being  careful about  the poo-pooH lest it  get ideas)  while his aunt  and uncle  prepared lunch.   It wasH while  he  was  cleaning  the  buckeroo  that  it  suddenly  activated aH cassette, and  a wraith-like figure  appeared.  It gradually  formed the shape of a woman.s  H      "Heeeelp meee," purred the recording.  "Oh heeeelp me Moby Foobar."H Then came a gritch and the recording repeated from that  point.  ClearlyH there was more to the recording, but it was read-locked, and it was onlyH chance that that fragment  had become unprotected, probably as  a resultH of the  damage the buckeroo  has recently sustained.   But who  was MobyH Foobar?  At the far end of  the valley lived Fred Foobar, an  old hermitD whom everybody thought was crazy.  But perhaps he was some relative?  H      Fluke  reset  the  buckeroo  and  ordered  it  to  play  the entireH recording.  Instead,  it re-read-locked  the entire  tape and  the image' disappeared, but not from Fluke's mind.r  8      Later, at lunch, he talked about it with his uncle.  H      "While  I was  cleaning the  buckeroo, I  got a  segment of  an oldH message,  addressed to  a  Moby Foobar.   He  seemed to  own  the snoid.A Anyway, it seemed to be very important that he got that message.".I Software Wars                                                          6d    H      "I  doubt very  much if  Moby  Foobar will  ever want  to  get thatE message," said Fluke's uncle.  "He has been dead for many years now."   H      "But this  was a recent  message, and the  read-lock was  still on.H How could such an old message have survived?  And could old  Fred Foobar be related?"  H      "Fred Foobar is just a crazy  old man.  Tomorrow, I want you  to goH and do a complete purge  on the buckeroo.  That should end  this message
 business."  H      "All right.  By  the way, now that  we have these new  snoids, when2 can I split?  You have all the help you need now."  H      "Now is when I need you the most.  Wait just one more year,  when IH can hire some more workers, get a few more snoids, and then you can go."  H      "Another year?! That isn't fair!   All my friends have left  a long$ time ago and I'm still cooped here."  :      "I know, but I have no choice.  I promise this time."  H      "Oh shit.  Well,  I better get back  to those snoids."   Fluke leftH the  table and  stormed out.   His aunt  watched him  for a  minute then turned to her husband.  H      "You know, we can't keep  him forever.  He's just not  destined for/ COBOL.  There's too much of his father in him."f  H      "Yes, that's what  I'm worried about.   For him.  I'm  afraid he'll- get involved in hacking like his father did." I Software Wars                                                          7d    -                            Fluke meets Foobart  H      Fluke walked into the shop and looked around.  Neither snoid was inH sight.  Fluke walked around to the other side of a cabinet, and cringing2 behind it was C-me-poo-poo, shivering with terror.  5      "What are you doing back there?" Fluke demanded.a  H      "Oh, thweetie,  pleathe don't dithconnect  me!" pleaded  the snoid.H Fluke rolled his eyes heavenward.  Give me strength.  "It'th  all U-2'th fault.  I told him not to go."  H      "Oh shit!"  Fluke grabbed his magnifying glass and  dashed outside.H He looked around in all directions, but no trace of the buckeroo.  "That0 little snoid is gonna cost me a lot of trouble."  =      "Oh, he exthellth in that.  Are we going to follow him?"   H      "Can't now," Fluke answered.  "Too many users out now.   We'll haveA to wait until dark."  With that, Fluke and the snoid went inside."      H      Night fell, and Fluke  slipped outside, careful not to  disturb hisH aunt and  uncle.  He had  managed to cover  up the disappearance  of theH buckeroo up to now, but now he had to find it, and soon.  Accompanied byH C-me-poo-poo, he hopped on the transporter, and soon they  were speedingH across the  desert waste.   Presently, Fluke  saw a  snoid on  his radarH beacon, and headed towards it.  Sure enough, it was the buckeroo.  Fluke hopped out of the transporter.  H      "Where d'ya  think you're going?"  Fluke asked the  buckeroo, whichH only continued its endless,  incessant feeping.  Again Fluke  rolled hisH eyes heavenward and wondered how his uncle ever got suckered into buyingH two  snoids that  anyone else  would pay  to get  rid  of.  C-me-poo-poo translated.b  D      "He says there are life forms approaching from the north-west."  H      "Users!" gasped Fluke.  "Well, come on, let's get a  look."  Fluke,H followed by C-me-poo-poo, climbed the ridge to the northwest  and lookedH down.  He could see endless  rows of consoles, all running WHO  and RSL,H but no users.  Then with horror, he noticed that one was running VERIFY.H Luckhams! These were the most feared tribe of users, cunning  and cruel.4 Fluke shuddered, and was about to slip back, when...  H      "People who  are not  contributing to  the support  of the  lab areH taking up too much of the  machine!  The scheduler is not giving  us ourH fair share!  If  you do not bring  the system up immediately  heads willH roll!" Fluke  cringed at each  blow.  The Luckhams  had caught  him, andH were after blood.  "We are  the only people doing real AI  research!  WeH pay most of the lab's support!   The S-1 and music groups are  using tooH much  of   the  machine!   We   should  have  exclusive   immunity  fromH autologout!"  Fluke  mercifully lost  consciousness,  the  hideous blows still coming down.  H      When he came to, a cloaked and hooded figure was stooping over him.H Embroidered on  the cloak  was Deux ex  machina hermitage.   The toothy,$ slobbering face had a familiar look.I Software Wars                                                          8     :      "Fred Foobar!" gasped Fluke.  "Am I glad to see you!"  H      "The terminal rooms are not to be travelled lightly,  young Fluke,"H said Fred.  "You've  had a busy day.   Come!  We'll have to  get indoorsH quickly.  The users  are easily cowed, but  they will soon  return, withH greater lossage.  Luckhams  especially; they are never  appeased." FlukeH got up quickly, remembering the attack, and marveling that he  was stillH in  one piece,  but even  more  that the  reader is  still  reading thisH drivel.  He looked at the  large thick part still in the  reader's right* hand, and sighed.  Still a lot more to go.  H      U-2-buckeroo had been  hiding under a  ledge since the  attack, andH now joined them, but C-me-poo-poo had tripped over his own lisp  and wasH lying there helpless.  After lifting the giggling snoid up  and bundlingH it into  the transporter, the  party quickly sought  the safety  of Fred Foobar's hermitage. I Software Wars                                                          9w    -                           The House of Foobar   H      "Tell me,  Fluke," said  Fred, "what  brings you  to such  a remote installation?"  H      "I'm trying  to get faster  real-time response with  this buckeroo.H It says it has  to find Moby Foobar,  and slipped away earlier  today toH find him.  I have never seen such devotion in a snoid before.   Have you heard of Moby Foobar?"  H      "Moby Foobar, Moby Foobar,"  sighed Fred.  His eyes glazed  over asH if remembering days long gone by.  The 'ludes were having  their effect.H "Now that's a name  I haven't heard in  a long, long time,  since before you were born."c  5      "Then you knew him?  My uncle said he was dead."   H      "Oh, he's not dead, not yet.  He's me.  In fact, I knew your father) back in the old days, before the Empire."h        "You knew my father??"o  H      "Yes.  He was a skilled hacker, a resourceful wizard," sighed Moby,D "and a good friend.  He was killed in the early days of the Empire."  5      "Tell me, how did my father die?  I was told..."h  H      "You were told  a lie!" interrupted Moby.   "Long ago, in  the lastH days of the  Republic, a young wizard  named Daemon Feature (who  was myH student before he turned to evil)  aided the PASCALs in the ruin  of theH Republic.  Feature betrayed, and murdered your father."  He  spoke thoseH words with  such emphasis that  Fluke shook.  But  his words  were true; Fluke could see it.   H      Moby sighed.  "Feature was seduced by the darker side of  the Hack.H Today,  the wizards  are  all but  extinct."  He  paused,  searching hisH memory, back to a time  long ago.  "Which reminds me.  Your  father leftH me something to give  to you."  He reached  into the piles of  paper andH old, dusty  manuals on the  table, and withdrew  a single  binder.  "HisH HAKMEM.  An elegant programming tool, of a more civilized age.  With it,H one skilled in the  Hack could perform programming miracles,  get betterH response  time, and  be invited  to all  the good  parties.   Here."  He handed the HAKMEM to Fluke.t  H      Fluke took it,  and looked at its  first page intently;  strange itH seemed, yet a feeling  grew on him, as  if he were looking  at somethingH far  greater  than  he  could  comprehend.   He  was  considered  a goodH programmer, one  of the best  in the quadrant;  but the HAKMEM  took his3 breath away.  "What is the Hack?" he asked finally.   H      "The Hack is that what is nearest and dearest to the hearts  of allH the  wizards.  It  is what  gives  the wizard  his power.   The  Hack isH everywhere and  is part  of everything.  Without  the Hack,  only crocks remain."  H      "The Hack!" gasped Fluke.  He then pondered these words in silence.H A whole new vision was before him; he saw things of beauty  and eleganceH that he could not yet put into words.  His reverie was interrupted  by a" sudden chirping from U-2-buckeroo.I Software Wars                                                         10"    H      "Ah, yes,  the message,"  said Moby.  "Come,  let's hear  it."  TheH buckeroo gave one  last chirp, then  the princess appeared.   This time,- the whole message was played.  Moby sat back.   H      "Well," he sighed, "I must be off to Automagic.  And you  must come) with me, and learn the ways of the Hack."s  H      "But I can't!" protested Fluke.  "My aunt and my uncle need  me!  IH mean, I hate the Empire, but  I can't do anything.  I'd like to  go, butH it's so far away.  It's late, I have to get back.  Aww, I'll give  you aH ride to  the DECUS  conference.  You  should be  able to  find a  way to Automagic from there."  H      "Do what you think is  right," replied Moby.  Fluke looked  at him,H wavering.  Already the Hack was entering his thoughts; but he  was stillH afraid.   He still  was thinking  over  all Moby  had told  him,  as theH transporter,  carrying Fluke,  Moby, and  the two  snoids,  was speeding along the paths to DECUS... I Software Wars                                                         11s    ,                            The Road to DECUS  H      Fluke slowed down the  transporter.  Ahead, he could see  the ruinsH of a snoider's trailer, and smaller brown objects around it.   When theyH reached  it, they  stopped and  looked around.   The brown  objects were bodies, brutally pie-sliced.  H      "Users!"  exclaimed  Fluke.   "I have  never  seen  them  attack soH viciously.  Look!  Here is a jump out of a DO, and another back in.  But$ what would they want with snoiders?"  H      "Not users," corrected Moby,  "but the Empire wants you  to believeH it was users.  See the accuracy of the pie-slice?  Only  Empire software tools can be so deadly."  H      "The Empire?   But why?"  But  Fluke's glance  almost instinctively3 turned to U-2-buckeroo, chirping faster than usual.   H      "You  are  looking at  the  reason," answered  Moby  Foobar.  Fluke gasped with horror.e  H      "If  they  traced the  snoids  here, then  they  know where...NO!!"H Fluke dashed to the transporter, and headed to his home, ignoring Moby's cries to come back.h  H      Fluke  approached the  familiar fields.   Smoke was  rising  in theH distance.  He hurried towards  it.  His home was destroyed.   The greedyH flames were still licking at the ashes which remained.  And by  what wasH the  entrance,  Fluke gazed  with  horror at  the  charred  and grizzled corpses of his aunt and uncle.  H      A tear appeared  in his eye.  He  brushed it away.   Gradually, hisH horror turned to hatred; hatred of the Empire and all that it stood for.H And at the same  time, he wanted to go  with Moby Foobar.  The  fear wasH gone; the  Hack had won.   Fluke jumped back  into the  transporter, and hurried back to Moby Foobar.  H      Moby  had not  been  idle.  He,  assisted  by the  two  snoids, hadH constructed a makeshift pyre and had almost finished the ghastly task ofH cremating the snoiders.  As he completed this duty, he looked  at Fluke, who was standing there.o  H      "There was  nothing you could  do.  Had you  been there,  you would have been killed too."  H      "Moby, I want to go with  you to Automagic.  I want to  learn aboutH the Hack and become  a wizard like my  father.  There is nothing  for me
 here now."  H      Moby smiled.  He said nothing, but simply entered  the transporter.A Fluke and the snoids followed, soon they were again on their way.lI Software Wars                                                         12i    &                                  DECUS  H      The transporter slowed, and then stopped.  They were at the edge ofH a high shelf, overlooking DECUS.  Fluke and Moby got out and looked down on the city.  H      "The DECUS conference," observed  Moby.  "Fluke, you would  have toH telnet far to  find such a wretched  assortment of losers  and villainy.H We must be careful."  Fluke  nodded in agreement.  They got back  in theH transporter, and soon were at DECUS.  Moby was right; chieftains  of allH the commercial timesharing houses  were there, voicing demands  for more# usage accounting.  Fluke shuddered.   H      They had not gone far on their way when they were challenged  by anC Empire soldier.  Others appeared, and quickly they were surrounded.r  H      "How  long have  you  had these  snoids?" the  soldier  demanded of Fluke.  H      "Two or three  releases," answered Fluke;  not that there  was muchH hope in fooling them.  It's all over now, he thought, no hope of escape.. His thoughts were interrupted by Moby's voice.  H      "The right half of a POPJ  can be used to store data,"  he intoned.H The soldier's  eyes opened  wide.  Moby continued.   "These are  not the snoids you are looking for."  H      "These  are  not  the  snoids we  are  looking  for,"  repeated the soldier, as if in a trace.  $      "We can go about our business."  (      "They can go about their business."        "We should move on."s  H      "Move  on,"  said  the  soldier,  waving  them  away.   The  others
 dispersed.  H      "How did you do that?"  Fluke asked once they were out  of hearing.$ "I thought we were dead back there!"  H      "The Hack has many powers, and over weak minds such as theirs it isH easy to take command."  Fluke  looked at him in admiration.   Someday he would be like Moby.h  H      They stopped outside  a seedy-looking establishment.  There  was noH sign of life  outside, but the building  itself was shaking.   Even fromH outside Fluke could hear the sounds  within.  You can tell by the  way IH frob my crock, my randomness is hard to grok, blared the  familiar music from Monday Morning Headache.   H      "Are  you  sure  we'll   find  a  consultant  here?"   asked  Fluke doubtfully.f  H      "Oh yes,  of course,"  answered Moby.   "All the  best ones  can beH found here."  He paused at the doorstep.  "By the way, be careful.  ThisH place can get  a bit rough."   At that, he  entered, with Fluke  and theH snoids following.  Instantly they were engulfed with the sound.  Ah, ah,I Software Wars                                                         13h    H ah, ah, stayin' online,  stayin' online...  A dark apparition  loomed inH front of them.  It  allowed Moby to pass,  but it stopped Fluke  and the two snoids.  A light appeared.  H      "Let's  see your  ID,"  it demanded.   Fluke produced  his  and theH figure held it  to the light.  Satisfied,  it returned it to  Fluke, andH then demanded the same of  the snoids.  "You can't come in,"  it snarled< at them.  The snoids stood there, frozen.  Fluke intervened.  H      "You better wait outside," he addressed the snoids.  "We don't wantH any trouble."  At that, the snoids turned around and exited.  Fluke thenH went over to Moby, who was already in conversation with a  tall, wraith-H like figure.  It was covered with hair (and fleas).  Fluke could  see noH face.  A hippie, Fluke thought.   I hope Moby knows what he's  doing.  I= sure as hell don't.  Suddenly Fluke was roughly pushed aside.A  H      "Get outta  my way,  punk," snarled  a hideous  figure.  It  wore aH black leather jacket, and carried a chain in one hand and a blackjack inH the other.  Not satisfied with merely pushing Fluke, it aimed  a vicious blow at him with its blackjack.F  H      The blow never fell.   Swifter than lightning, Moby had  his HAKMEMH out and dispatched the biker with a single item.  Moby looked  around atH the crowd,  which quickly  turned away.   Not only  didn't they  want toH challenge Moby, they didn't even  want to know what had  happened.  MobyH left the mess for the after-hours crew to clean up, and helped Fluke up.  H      "I have been talking to the first mate of a suitable ship  to bringH us  to  Automagic.   The captain  is  supposed  to be  one  of  the bestH consultants in this quadrant.  Let us join them," Moby  said, indicatingH a table where the hippie was  sitting.  Sitting next to him was  a tall,H self-confident man  some years  older than  Fluke.  He  fit in  with theH place quite  well; his color-coordinated  John Travolta  outfit mirroredH the smoke-filled  atmosphere.  He appeared  to be staring  vacantly intoH the  distance, planning  the conquest  of one  of the  many  wenches whoH frequented the place, but a closer examination showed it was not so.  He was asleep.   H      The  hippie nudged  him awake.   After a  few groans  he introducedH himself as  Handwave Saga  and the  hippie as  Cruftybraindamaged.  MobyH quickly stated their business: passage to Automagic for Fluke, Moby, andH two  snoids,  with  no  questions  asked.   Handwave  and  Crufty smiledH knowingly at  each other.   Amateurs, stashing the  shit in  the snoids.H They accepted the  deal immediately.  Anyone  that dumb deserved  to get ripped off.oI Software Wars                                                         14h    .                          Aboard the TENTH STAR  H      "So,"  snarled Daemon  Feature,  breathing heavily,  "you  vill notH talk?   Ve  hav VAYS  of  making you  talk!"   Princess  Lay-me cowered.H Daemon had interrogated  her for several  days now.  Not  once, however,H had he beaten her or taken advantage of her.  This is cruel  and inhumanH torture, she  thought.  How does  he do it?  She was  getting desperate.H The guard snoids  were no help;  Daemon Feature had  sinisterly selected all neuters.  H      She knew, though, that her  silence was the only thing  keeping herH alive.  Should she  yield to the torture,  or the location of  the rebelH data base  be found out  in spite  of her silence,  she would  be killed
 instantly.  H      Daemon Feature  signaled to  an injector  snoid.  Truth  serum, sheH thought.   Terror-striken,  she  watched  as  the  needle  injected  the& powerful aphrodisiac into her veins...    H      The council  was already  in session  when Daemon  Feature entered.2 Governor Softwarerot was addressing those present:  H      "The Senate is of no  concern to us; the Emperor has  dissolved the0 council.  All responsibility rests with us now."  H      "Oh  goodie!" said  Admiral  Whatshisface, commander  of  the TENTH% STAR.  "Let's go stomp them hackers!"   H      "Do not  put too  much faith  in this  hairy architecture  you haveH constructed,"  retorted  Daemon  Feature.   "All  this  is insignificant compared to the Hack."  H      "Aw, don't hassle us with  your hokey Hack stuff.  All  anybody hasH to do is take a few CS courses and he can program as well or better thanH any of those  hackers."  Daemon Feature glared  at him in  rising wrath.H Suddenly Whatshisface found it difficult to breathe.  The others watched
 horrified.  H      "Control-Meta-Top-BREAK!  I find  your lack  of  faith disturbing!"H snarled Daemon Feature.  Whatshisface's  face changed from vivid  red to4 purple, as the circular linked lists closed tighter.  1      "Feature, release him!" shouted Softwarerot.n  H      "As you wish," replied Daemon Feature.  Whatshisface dropped to the table as he slowly recovered.s  H      "Now there is to be no more of this!" continued Softwarerot.  "LordH Feature will continue the debugging.  Feature, have you  been successful+ in your interrogation of the princess yet?"h  H      "Unfortunately not.  She has encrypted her file system.  However, I expect to break her soon."  H      "That  may  not  be necessary,"  replied  Softwarerot,  "I  have an idea..."I Software Wars                                                         15m    H      "Governor  Softwarerot,"  observed the  princess.   "I  should haveH known you would be holding Daemon Feature's leash.  I thought  I noticed4 your foul stench when I was first brought on board."  H      "Flattery will get  you nowhere," returned  Softwarerot.  MotioningH to a  viewscreen, he observed,  "Automagic.  Your home  planet.  Watch."H The  princess looked  on with  horror  as a  99 million  year  lease andH maintenance contract for a network of TENTH STARs was being prepared for
 Automagic.  H      "No!" she gasped.   "Automagic has no  need for it.   Our computing. resources are more than ample for the demand."  H      "Would  you  prefer  another target,  a  hacking  target?" returnedA Softwarerot.  "Then tell us the location of the rebel data base!"e  H      The princess sobbed, then blurted out, "On  [XY,ZZY]."  Softwarerot smiled.n  H      "You see, Feature,  she can be  convinced."  Then, to  the lawyers, "You may sign when ready."  $      "WHAT?!" screamed the princess.  H      "You are too trusting," smiled Softwarerot, as her  innocent planetH got permanently  entangled in  hopeless lossage.  His  smile faded  as aH LOOKUP on  [XY,ZZY] showed that  the data base  had been there,  but had since been backed up elsewhere.a  H      "Double the Robert Redford movies, and don't stop until she talks!"= he ordered.  The princess begged for mercy.  "Take her away!"uI Software Wars                                                         16f    (                                Automagic  H      It had been a weary journey,  but the end was near at  last.  FlukeH listened intently to Moby throughout most of the journey as  he lecturedH on the ways  of the Hack.  Fortunately,  Moby frequently passed  out, soH the  ordeal  was never  prolonged.   Other times,  Fluke  stared  at hisH HAKMEM, seeking to  become one with the  Hack.  He ignored  the hippie'sH occasional requests for "just a little fix."  I wonder what he's talking about, thought Fluke.o  H      Suddenly  Moby jumped  up,  then slowly  sat down  again,  his face contorted in agony.i  H      "Have  you sensed  a disturbance  in the  Hack, as  if  millions ofH innocent  people  were   suddenly  subjected  to   horrible  cretinism?" inquired Fluke.d  H      "Uh, no, just a hangover,"  reassured Moby.  He went back  into hisH stupor  and  Fluke  returned  to his  study  of  his  HAKMEM.  PresentlyH Handwave turned  on the Fasten  Seat Belts sign.   They were now  in theH vicinity of Automagic.  Handwave switched the line protocol, and THWACK!@ instantly they were hit with a repeated series of parity errors.  H      "What the  hell?"  exclaimed  Handwave.  The  tiny craft  was beingH buffeted with increasing lossage.  "This isn't in the manual.  Automagic was supposed to be winning."  ,      "Are we at Automagic yet?" asked Fluke.  H      "That's  what  I'm  trying to  tell  you  kid,"  answered Handwave.H "Automagic  has become  a loser.   It's running  with  longer turnaroundH times, greater swapping,  more stoppages, and..."  He  stopped suddenly.H A  distant object  had  appeared on  the  view screen,  and  was rapidly< growing.  Now they were clearly heading straight towards it.  A      "Turn the ship around," commanded Moby.  "It's a mainframe."   H      "Huh?   It's  just a  microprocessor,"  replied  Handwave, "nothingH to...  Uh oh,  I think you're right.   Crufty, let's get the  fuck outtaH here!" This  last was  screamed as  the sheer  size of  the installationH became apparent.   It was  from there  that all  the parity  errors were coming from.  H      Too  late.  Already  their card  deck was  in the  reader,  and theH operator  refused to  give it  back.  They  were being  forced  into the system.l  H      "Crufty, full rewind!" yelled Handwave.  But there was  nothing theH hippie or anyone else could do.  Already they were being compiled.  Soon6 would come the linking-load, and then the execution...I Software Wars                                                         17     )                                The Rescue   H      Fluke and his friends peered cautiously out of the  concealed pagesH where they  had been  hiding.  The  initial sweep  by the  Empire's evilH soldiery  had  failed  to  locate them,  but  they  couldn't  hide thereH forever.  It wouldn't be long before a kernel mode process was  used and they would be caught.h  H      They snuck out onto a low-baud data line.  That way they  stood theH best chance  of getting to  a console undetected.   In spite of  all theH safeguards  they  managed to  guess  a correct  password  and  soon wereH online.   Moby mumbled  something  about greater  bandwidth  and slippedH away, telling the  others to stay where  they were until he  had flushedH the job streams so that  they could escape.  U-2-buckeroo started  a WHO& and instantly began beeping furiously.  5      "What's it saying?" asked Fluke to C-me-poo-poo.t  H      "I don't understand.   Something like I  found her...oh I  see now. It's I found the princess!"m  ,      "The princess!" gasped Fluke.  "Where?"  H      "In low core, right  above free storage," replied the  snoid.  "I'm& afraid she's about to be swapped out."  D      "Swapped out!" screamed Fluke.  "We have to go and rescue her!"  H      "Hey wait a minute," retorted  Handwave.  "I didn't sign up  for no" rescues.  I'm stayin' right here."  H      "She  has  service  level,"  replied  Fluke.   "She  can  have your3 allocation increased to more than you can imagine."   *      "Really?" asked Handwave skeptically.  *      "Really.  She makes the assignments."  B      "Hmm..." mused Handwave.  "You better be right on this, kid."        "I am.  Believe me."u  -      "Okay.  So how are we gonna rescue her?"i  H      "First,  let's lock  Crufty  in core."   Fluke walked  over  to theH hippie, but the stench  instantly drove him back.  Turning  to Handwave,H he continued, "Uh, you  do it."  Handwave performed the  UUO undeterred.H I  guess  he doesn't  notice,  thought  Fluke.  "Now,  let's  set  up an@ interrupt for the next clock tick and process it with PI's off."  H      It was  tricky, but  eventually it  was done.   They had  to hurry,H though, since soon the  users would notice the service  interruption andH reload.  Fluke shuddered at  the memory of his near-fatal  encounter theH previous day.  Several jobs had already been locked out of core, so they! knew that trouble was on the way.o  H      Fluke mapped  in the  page where  the princess  was being  kept andH entered.   She was  asleep on  a  crude cot,  worn out  after  the harshH torture she  had undergone.   She shivered and  suddenly awoke.   At theI Software Wars                                                         18e    H sight of Fluke  her eyes popped open.   She rubbed them once  and lookedH again.  It  was not a  dream; Fluke  was really there.   She sat  up and spoke.  H      "Well, it's about time.  Come over here."  Fluke stood there, stillH enthralled with her beauty (there weren't many women down at  the farm).H "Come here," she repeated, somewhat  louder.  Fluke, as if in  a trance,H walked  over and  sat  down next  to  her.  "That's  better,"  she said,H softer.  She took his hands into hers and looked at him straight  in theE eye.  Fluke looked back, uneasy, not knowing what to do.  She smiled.T  H      Slowly, and with extreme care, Fluke bent over and kissed  her.  ItH was barely a kiss; to her cheek, light, and instantly over as  he almostH jerked himself back.  Her smile broadened.  "You don't have to do that,"H she said, and, putting her arms around him gently pulled him back.  ThisH time their lips met, and  now she relaxed, letting herself down  flat onH the cot, Fluke on top of her.  Her mouth opened, and her  tongue slippedH past his like  molten glass.  Fluke relaxed  and gave in to  the surgingH waves that were  washing over him.  His  tongue went past hers,  and the7 waves grew into a fierce storm, growing in intensity..."I Software Wars                                                         19"    )                                The Escape   H      "FLUKE!!!  We gotta get outta here!"  Handwave's voice from outsideH jolted them both back to reality.  They were both hot, and very wet, butH now they  both felt  chilled.  What was  happening?  Fluke  gathered hisH disorganized thoughts back together.  Of course; the users were about toH reload.   It  was indeed  critical.   Grabbing the  princess,  he dashed outside.  H      "Quick," the princess yelled,  "do a garbage collection.   It's our= only chance."  With that, they GC'd and were in free storage.r  H      But there they  were trapped.  Surrounded  by truly-worthless-atomsH and the other flotsam and jetsam of free storage, they had no way to getH back into  their craft.  Already  the blocks of  free free  storage wereD being lunk together.  Soon the blocks would be claimed and split up.  H      The snoids were the  only chance.  Fluke frantically  screamed intoH his communicator  for the  snoids to claim  a huge  block, so  they'd beH safe.  C-me-poo-poo  answered.  It  started babbling  on about  how U-2-H buckeroo was "thimply  impothible" to deal  with and would  they "pleathH thpeak to it."  Meanwhile their margin of safety was getting smaller andH smaller.   Tiny chunks  were  being taken,  meaning they  would  soon beH chopped to death.  Fluke  yelled again, loud enough for  U-2-buckeroo to> hear over C-me-poo-poo's idiotic chatter; and they were saved.  H      They quickly ran back  to where their imprisoned craft  was, hopingH that Moby  had succeeded  in freeing  the resource.   At last  they were< there, and stopped, horrified at the sight in front of them.  H      Moby and Daemon Feature were dueling, clearly to the death.  DaemonH Feature's HAKMEM was  out in full power,  but it could not  yet overcomeH Moby's,  still standing  there before  the storm,  yet wielding  a greatH power of its own.  MOVNI'd  ANDCA! Moby would shout, and  Daemon FeatureH would come back with a fierce EQVI'd HRLOI! The student had  learned his master's ways all too well.u  H      Suddenly  Moby  became aware  of  Fluke watching  him.   He stoppedH battling and  looked at Fluke.   He smiled, and  an appearance  of peaceH came over him as the 'ludes took over.  Suddenly Daemon  Feature struck.H You  can  output  characters  40-57  by  putting  the  character  in theH accumulator field of an XCT  and then extracting 6 bits because  the lowH two bits  of the XCT  opcode are  the right thing!   Moby fell,  and was gone.o  H      "NO!!"  Fluke screamed.   First his aunt  and uncle, and  now Moby.H Handwave and the  princess had to drag  him to safety inside  the craft.= Handwave set the switches, ran the RIM loader, and hit START.   H      "I hope the old man got that tape right, or this is going to be oneH short run," Handwave muttered.  His hopes were fufilled.  With  a suddenH burst of processor  level they were free;  for the time being  at least.H They had  to reach the  rebel data base  quickly, though,  before Daemon4 Feature and his sinister band caught up with them...I Software Wars                                                         20e    /                          To the Rebel Data Bases  H      Fluke said nothing as the  craft sped towards the rebel  data base.H Handwave and the hippie could guess what he was going through,  and left> him alone.  Lay-me sat by him.  Presently Fluke looked at her.  H      "He's gone," he said,  "and I didn't do  a thing to save  him."  He) buried his face in her shoulder, sobbing.r  H      "There was nothing you could do, except to be killed with him."  HeH looked at  her.  Again she  held his hand  and smiled.  This  time FlukeH needed  no encouragment.   They embraced  and held  each other  for whatH seemed like  an eternity.  Once  again they kissed,  and the  waves grewC again.  She tasted salty, but pleasant, as again their tongues met.t  H      There were  no interrupts.   They fell  together.  Fluke  had neverH imagined holding anyone so long, or so intensely.  He felt his senses onH fire,  as if  every  nerve ending  had  been sharpened  to  an exquisiteH pinpoint.   He  caressed her  lightly,  but the  sensations  were almostH painful in intensity.  The  tiniest circular motions with the  very tipsH of his fingers were sending wave upon wave of complete ecstacy over him.  H      Lay-me was breathing hard,  violently rocking herself from  side toH side, her  arms pressing  tighter against Fluke's  back.  She  had neverH before encountered  someone with  so much energy,  and she  was savoringH every bit of it.  But  her own feelings were building up  now.  Somehow,H she managed to get her robes undone and to open Fluke's  jumpsuit.  ThenH she gave in to the torrents and with a few violent jerks of her powerful hips, she exploded.h  H      But Fluke didn't let up.  He didn't know what his limits  were, butH he had heard  enough stories from other  people and had no  delusions ofH being any different from anybody else.  He was determined in any case toH do whatever was necessary  to bring her to  the limit; he knew  he wouldH have no trouble in taking care of himself.  So he had held back, and now" continued as if she hadn't paused.  H      He didn't  have long to  wait; in quick  succession she  exploded aH second, and then a third time.  Now she was slowing down, and  this timeH Fluke  let go  of all  control.  The  waves burst  through the  wall andC overran everything in their path.  It seemed forever, and it was...e    H      "Umm...," sighed Lay-me.   They were both  very hot, and  very veryH wet, but neither cared.  She smiled and quickly kissed him at random allF over his face, and smiled again.  Fluke smiled back and looked at her.  (      "Hi," he said.  "Don't I know you?"  &      "Uh-huh," she sighed contentedly.        "You're nice."   
      "Uh-huh"e         "You wanna know something?"  
      "Uh-huh"t  C      "I love you."  He kissed her again, as she had moments before.wI Software Wars                                                         21e    H      "Umm..."  She snuggled yet closer to him, but both of them were tooH exhausted to do  much more.  Once  again they kissed,  but it was  not aH sexy kiss.  The sex was there but  this time it was only a part  of whatH was going on.  This  time it was a I-love-you-never-leave-me  kiss.  Now< all the pressure was gone and they knew they had each other.  H      Fluke was wondering how it all happened; he had never imagined thisH in his wildest dreams.  Lay-me was wondering the same thing; how had sheH been so affected by somebody.  She had met her match, but the only thing$ she could feel was very, very happy.  H      And it  was with  those thoughts passing  through their  minds when! they reached the rebel data base. I Software Wars                                                         22e    -                           The Rebel Data Base   H      Fluke went forward  to watch as  Handwave ineptly guided  the craftH into a median record in the rebel data base.  As they head-crashed  to aH stop, Handwave turned  to Fluke and remarked,  "You know, that  chick isH one  helluva  good-looking broad.   I  think  I might  take  her  for my	 payment."r  H      Fluke  shuddered,  and  looked  at  Handwave,  trying  to  hide theH apprehension he felt.  Oh no,  he thought.  "No, you wouldn't  get along with her.  I'm sure."k  H      Handwave looked  at Fluke,  and understood.   He smiled,  and said,H louder and intentionally  baiting, "Yeah, but she  would be a  lotta fun for a one-time shot."h  H      "And  that's  about all  you  could probably  do,"  interrupted theH princess.   She  had  walked   in  unobserved  and  had   overheard  theH conversation.  "You will get your service level, as  originally agreed."H Then, to Fluke, "Your friend is a real turkey, you know that?"  And with that, she walked out.m  H      Fluke  smiled,  and  suddenly Handwave  burst  out  laughing.  "AllF right, kid, you win.  I sure hope you know what you're gettin' in to."  H      "Oh I do," answered  Fluke very seriously.  Handwave looked  at him and again burst out laughing.     H      They  were  now  at  the rebel  data  base,  and  the  hackers wereH frantically  studying the  plans  for the  TENTH STAR,  searching  for aH weakness.  The urgency of their search was made horribly apparent  as itH became clear that the princess' vessel had been traced with DDT, and nowH the  Empire  was  preparing  to inflict  lossage  upon  the  whole rebelH movement.  What had happened  to Automagic would be nothing  compared to! what was in store for the rebels.   H      With  such gloomy  thoughts  in mind,  the princess  and  Fluke satH outside  the laboratory,  awaiting  the results.   Handwave  had alreadyH taken his  service level  increase and split.   Presently there  came an= announcement that everybody was to gather for the conference.c    H      "We have discovered a weakness in the system," the chief hacker forH the  rebels announced.   "The TENTH  STAR runs  an  incredibly cretinousH operating system written as grossly as possible in a  so-called `higher-H level language,' but it is  not invincible.  We have determined  that itH is possible  to write in  assembler for it.   Of course,  their assemblyH language is  almost useless,  but it was  enough for  us to  bootstrap aH winning assembler  and from  that a winning  operating system.   We haveH done so.  Of  course, it hasn't been  tested, but it's our  only chance.H Now, some turkey, uh, I mean hero, has to volunteer to take a tape there) and, evading the operators, bring it up."k  H      "Oh,  Fluke  volunteers!"  yelled Princess  Lay-me  from  the back.H Fluke had no time to  protest before everyone was congratulating  him onH his bravery, and  before he knew  it he was bundled  up with a  tape andH sent on his  way.  Lay-me had  given him one  last kiss, and  he thoughtH bitterly about  having just  made her the  beneficiary on  his insuranceI Software Wars                                                         23     H policy.  Well, here goes nothing, he mused, as the story  wrapped itself up to its climax...nI Software Wars                                                         24o    +                             The Last Battled  H      Fluke looked at the pages still in the reader's right hand.  AlmostH over, he thought.  And  I bet I know how,  too.  But it was too  late to back down now.  H      He hoped nobody would recognize him, and so far he had  been lucky.H The tape had been  cleverly disguised as a new,  non-optimizing compilerH for a  theoretical structured  language whose  syntax was  so incrediblyH complicated  that no  human could  possibly program  in it.   The EmpireH would instantly go for it, and  by the time they found out  otherwise it would be too late.  H      Now the acid test was going to be the machine room.  He was walkingH down the long corridor, trying to look inconspicuous when  suddenly BAM!H came a  blast from the  rear.  Daemon Feature  had spotted him,  and was= closing in fast.  Fluke ran, but he couldn't run fast enough.q  H      Fluke, remember the Hack.   The Hack, Fluke.  He could  almost hearH Moby's voice repeating  this to him.  But  what could he do?   He turnedH around to face his approaching  foe, and attacked.  LISP has  base ROMANH to read and  print Roman numerals!   Daemon Feature stopped,  injured byH the blow, and Fluke  ran on.  He had  bought himself a little  time, butH not much.   Daemon Feature  had already recovered  and was  resuming the	 chase....,  H      Suddenly, WAITS has an  @ monitor command!  Daemon  Feature, intentH upon his fleeing enemy, missed the attack from his own rear and  was hitH hard.  Before he could regain control he had been forwarded  on internet) protocols to the other end of the galaxy.   H      "Okay, kid, get that tape  mounted and let's get outta  here," cameH Handwave's voice.  Fluke once again thought of the Hack, and his actionsH seemed  controlled  by  somebdy else.   In  almost  slow-motion,  he sawH himself dashing past the grasp of the operator guarding the  tape drivesB and flinging the tape on.  Then he hit the ONLINE switch and fled.    H      Governor Softwarerot was preparing for the ultimate installation ofH TENTH  STARs  at the  rebel  base,  so that  they  would  be permanently6 crushed.  He frowned as a subordinate came rushing in.  H      "Governor, there is a  rebel attack in progress.  We  have analyzedH their means of attack and there  is a danger.  Do you wish to  be backed up?"  H      "Do  a  dump?  In  our  moment  of triumph?   I  think  you greatly3 overestimate their abilities," replied Softwarerot.g  H      Just then all the consoles stopped.  That was nothing new;  a TENTHH STAR required a  reload every 20 seconds  or so.  But something  new was0 happening.  All the consoles beeped, and then...    2                       TN ITS IN OPERATION 14:32:56    H      The  rebels  had  succeeded!   And  all  the  users  tried  the newH operating system and pronounced  it a winner.  Instantly  everything wasI Software Wars                                                         25a    H converted to  run on it.   Almost immediately, a  flood of  new softwareH appeared:  the line-number  editor  was flushed  in favor  of  a displayH editor,  assembly language  programs proliferated,  and new,  true high-H level languages appeared.  And the universe was again winning.  Wizards,H loyal to the  Hack, once again appeared  and unveiled new  wonders everyH day.   And  the  Empire  was  overthrown  and  a  Republic  established.0 Softwarerot and Daemon Feature fled into hiding.I Software Wars                                                         26i    1                        All's Well That Ends Worse,  H      In the Great Hall of the Republic, a ceremony was in  progress, andH each of the heroes was awarded according to his measure.  To Handwave, aH Monday Morning  Headache album and  a pass to  Studio 54.  To  Crufty, aH comb  and a  lifetime  supply of  deodorant.  To  C-me-poo-poo  and U-2-H buckeroo,  relationship   counselling.   To   Moby's  ghost,   a  year's7 subscription to Your Spiritual Life and a cloud-duster.r  H      Finally, the princess  turned to Fluke.   "You are last,  love, butH not least.   To you, I  give...me."  Fluke smiled,  and in front  of theH entire  assembly they  embraced.  Lay-me  had enough  time to  blurt outH "Everybody dismissed"  before once  again the  waves overtook  them.  So< this is what it's like to be completely and totally happy...        &                                   Kjob dG  _____   | ____ ___|___   /__ Mark ("Gaijin") Crispin "Gaijin! Gaijin!"dG  _|_|_  -|- ||   __|__   /  / R90/6 pilot, DoD #0105  "Gaijin ha doko?"wJ |_|_|_|  |\-++-  |===|  /  /  Atheist & Proud         "Niichan ha gaijin."O  --|--  /| ||||  |___|    /\  (206) 842-2385/543-5762 "Chigau. Omae ha gaijin." N   /|\    | |/\| _______  /  \ MRC@CAC.Washington.EDU  "Iie, boku ha nihonjin."N  / | \   | |__|  /   \  /    \ Lumchan ga suki ja!!   "Souka. Yappari gaijin!"C Hee, dakedo UNIX nanka wo tsukatte, umaku ikanaku temo shiranai yo.t