$ X-NEWS: spcvxb rec.humor.funny: 2203P Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.1B4+SPC1 6/9/92 VAX/VMS V5.5-1; site spcvxb.spc.edua Path: spcvxb!rutgers!ukma!wupost!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!uunet.ca!xenitec!looking!funny-request  Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny   Subject: New Highway Travel Game% Message-ID: <S47b.4733@looking.on.ca> * From: jerbil@ultra.com (Joseph Beckenbach) Date: 7 Oct 92 08:30:04 GMT ' Keywords: chuckle, driving, stereotypes  Approved: funny@clarinet.com
 Lines: 280    C 	This has passed through several hands.  The citation I have for it M is one John De Armond <jgd@dixie.com>, who appears to be one of the culprits.    ------<               Trolling for Taillights (and related Effluvia).                           Draft 3.0 (05/25/92)     Introduction  B Trolling For Taillights (TFT) is becoming one of America's fastestC growing highway participatory sports.  It is loads of fun, requires E only modest equipment and achieves justice on the highway.  And it is G Good Clean Fun (TM) at least until the target has to clean his drawers.   E TFT refers, of course, to the sport of communicating to other drivers F by stimulating their radar detectors and observing and recording theirD responses.  Only simple radio equipment is needed:  an old microwaveA burglar alarm will do fine.  More sophisticated equipment such as H a Kustom KR-11 Instant On Moving Police Radar will yield better and moreA consistent results.  Nontheless $10 worth of Gunn Oscillator will A achieve quite adequate scores if the proper skills are practiced.   
 How it Works:   < Think of RADAR as a Tractor Beam.  It's a vector-subtraction@ ray, a  negative speed insertion device: If the target is ahead,@ it sucks them back toward you; if they're behind, it pushes them< away. One can also think of it as a high-tech version of the> American Indian game of counting coup.   In short, think of it, as evolution in action, as in Road Warrior.   
 Safety First:   H Because the target of your trolling may react erratically, certain basic safety rules are necessary.   G *   No trolling of vehicles with less than two car lengths of clearance G     behind and in the lane to either side (if applicable.)  This allows 3     for an Unindended Deceleration Transient (UDT.)   E *   No trolling of Texas Cadillacs (pickemup trucks.) with large dogs 8     standing on the toolbox.  The dog might not like it.  B *   A minimum of 1/10 mile clearance between you and the target isB     required if the target is placarded with any of the following:       "Flammable"      "Explosive"      "High Explosive"     "Radioactive" /     "Nuclear Weapon"  (2/10 mile for this one.)      Special Awards:   M It is desirable to recognize outstanding fishermen in our ranks.  Accordingly 7 the following special award catagories are established:   5 *   The Million Dollar Club - A million total points.   C *   The Kilobrake Trophy - Causing one thousand Brake applications.   E *   1000 Points of Light - Causing the most simultaneous brake lights      in any one year.  K *   Worked All States (WAS) - Snagging a trophy catch originating from each      of the 50 states.   E *   Golden Jam Award - Causing the largest traffic jam as a result of 7     trolling WITHOUT involving a wreck in any one year.   G If you think you qualify, contact the management for your award.  Video C tape is highly recommended for scoring purposes and for documenting 5 when the cop mistakes your head for a baby Harp Seal.    Rules of Engagement:   Trolling posture  F     Proper trolling posture is in the right or next to right lane withD     the Radar at the ready but out of sight and de-energized.  Speed3     should be at or slightly below the speed limit.    Eligible Targets  A     An eligible target is any vehicle that meets the above safety ,     specifications and has a radar detector.   Target Selection  D     A target proceeding at greater than 20 mph over the posted speedI     limit is the most fertile in terms of variety of actions and presents 4     the best odds of winning Adders and Multipliers.   Firing techniques   H     Forward - Wait until the target is a few car lengths in front of you@     and fire phasers.  Best results are achieved if the Radar isH     bounced off a sign or overpass ahead of both you and the target.  ItC     is best to confine your range to that where you know your Radar 6     will cause the target's detector to go full scale.  I     Rear - Generally confined to eliminating Rear Bumper Dwellers because E     of the difficulty in scoring, the best technique  is known as the F     Annie Oakley style.  Simply lay the Radar across your shoulder andA     fire.  Since you are achieving line of sight contact with his G     detector, the results are spectacular.  The Tractor beam in action.     Setting up for Subsequent Shots:  L     If you have a target that appears to be fertile for a repeat multiplier,C     the best technique is to wait a minute or two and then pass the G     target.  This encourages the target to resume trolling speed again. H     Lead the target for awhile to build his confidence and then lift theD     throttle and coast.  Allow the target to pass you again and whenF     you achieve minimum clearance, fire again.  Repeat Phasors coupledB     with the vague recollection in the target's mine that you just@     slowed way down will generally lead to spectacular trolling.L     This technique can be use up to about 5 times (10 on yuppys and lawyers)B     on a given target before he figures something's up.  About the@     4th or 5th shot is the optimum time to set the target up forL     a nuke (see definition below.)  The use of an intergalactic communicator@     (CB) is vitally handy for assessing the conditions favorable     for nuking.   # Special Techniques and Definitions:   G These techniques have been found to produce better scores than shooting  for lone targets.   J Nerd Herding:  If you spot multiple cars equipped with radar detector, youL     can herd them into a cluster by zapping them each time one tries to pass     another.  E Wolf Pack:  Played by two or more cars in convoy, communicating on an M     obscure non-CB frequency:  Wingman trails leader by about 1/2 mile, spots M     targets and gives early warning to leader.  Leader fires rearward, hittin  g M     the marks with a strong head-on signal.  Wingman confirms hits.  Leader a  ndA     wingman try to see how many marks they can herd between them.   J Left Lane Bandit Blasting:  This dual purpose technique yields good scoresE     and frequently busts up Left Lane Bandit clumps.  This is the one @     instance where  clearance rules are relaxed.    This is usedJ     when the trolling vehicle is stuck behind a bunch of left-lane-banditsF     proceeding side by side with geriatrics (real or premature) in theG     more right lanes.  If there are more than 3 or 4 cars in the clump, F     odds are one vehicle will have a radar detector and will be drivenG     by a target who will respond to the troll even when going below the B     speed limit.  Also known as the Paranoid Factor.  Technique is@     to lift throttle (to give you some room) and firing into the?     crowd.  The inherent entropy introduced by the tractor beam H     will tend to scatter the cars so that you can find a way through theB     mess.  You bust a left lane bandit and score at the same time.      Also known as "Bumper Cars."  I Yuppy Puppy: Canine Critters, generally of a large/exotic/expensive breed 8     and always an utterly stupid, undisciplined monster.  H Yuppy Larvae:  Similar to Yuppy Puppy except of human origin.  GenerallyH     the result of her taking something seriously he poked at her in fun.G     Also known, depending on context and age,  as "accident", Yard Ape, L     Busted Rubber, Curtain Climber or Precious.  Personality characteristicsE     are almost identical to the Yuppy Puppy except that the Larvae is E     louder and is generally allowed in restaurants and movie theaters !     where they do maximum damage.      Scoring:  M Scoring is done in accordance with the following table.  This table recognize  s H the added value of multiple hits on a given target and on the difficulty4 inherent in getting multiple responses from one hit.  L The easiest way to score is to get one of those handheld counting "clickers"F like are used by the gate keepers at the ballpark to count fans.  ThisI is that chrome golf-ball sized orb that contains a mechanical counter andaI a pushbutton that increments the count.  Available from your local officedC supply store for a nominal price.  Scores can be kept in a log bookT@ for submittal to the management.   Winners (and L00zers) will be recognized accordingly.j    D Basic scoring: What the target does:  Select all that apply and add.  3 Looks about, slows down                   = 1 point 3 Tail lights                               = 2 pointr4 Hard braking                              = 3 points4 Lane change                               = 3 points4 Hides his radar detector                  = 4 points4 Blue smoke from tires                     = 5 points5 Hits an exit                              = 10 points 6 Turns off detector                        = 10 points.5 Pulls over and fakes car trouble          = 12 pointsg5 Hits median and goes the other way        = 15 pointsr    @ Bonus Adders:  Add these bonus points to whatever you got above:  4 Fuzzy dice                                 + 1 point4 Suction Cup Garfield (or other critter)    + 1 point5 Was already below the speed limit          + 2 pointsN5 Cellphone in use                           + 2 pointsu5 Radar detector has cord draped across dash + 2 points 5 Eating/drinking interrupted                + 2 points 5     "   "   "       , stuff spilled        + 4 pointsr5 Audio hit *                                + 3 pointsk5 Yuppy puppy  on board                      + 3 pointsn5 Yuppy larvae on board  (see definitions)   + 3 pointsm5 ""  "" "" with sign announcing same        + 5 pointso5 Slapping of yuppy larvae interrupted       + 4 pointsa5 Vanity tag                                 + 5 points 7 CB                                         ** see belowa5 Makeup being applied                       + 6 pointsc5 Head to head hit (opposite direction)      + 8 points 6 Bimbo (male or female)                     + 10 points6 Sexual act interrupted                     + 15 points6 Off-duty cop                               + 20 points6 Fully dressed police cruiser               + 30 points6 Confirmed lawyer                           + 40 points6 Lawyer w/vanity tag that says "Tort"       + 50 points  F *   Audio hit - when you're close enough to hear the target's detector
     alarming."G **  CB radio.  Take 5 points for initial report of your hit on CB radio 7     and 5 points for each 10 minutes it's talked about.n  / Just all 'em all up and then do the multiplier.l      " Multipliers:  Take all that apply.  K Each subsequent hit on a target            X (count of hits on that target)o. Yuppy scum                                 X 2. BMW/Benz/Porche/Jap clone thereof          X 3A Motorcycle                                 X 5  (reflects rarity)k. Yuppy puppy bus (minivan)                  X 4. Lo-riders, similar vehicles                X 3. Junker                                     X 2/ Nuke *                                     X 10l  B * "Nuke" is the term used when the target is baited into busting a3   real radar trap.  Ticket must be issued to count.r  $ Penalty box:  Subtract these points:  @ Target shoots back with single digit of the hand      - 2 points@                         with radar                    - 5 pointsA                         with gun                      - 10 points A Caught for speeding while trolling                    - 10 pointsbA Caught for more serious infraction while trolling     - 15 points A Operating without a radio license                     - 20 points A Getting trolled by another competitor *               - 20 points A Getting caught by the Phuzz without license           - 25 points A Getting caught by Uncle Charlie without license       - 30 pointseI Having trolling implement confiscated                 - 40 pts + disqual.qA Caught for speeding by RADAR while trolling           - 50 points   J *  Defined as responding as a target to another competitor's tractor beam.   OK guys, let the Games Begin!a  
 Sincerely,  L jgd@dixie.com         (Comendante of the Riders of the Purple Phase Chapter) reid@ucs.indiana.edu- Founders and Charter Members of the TFT Guildl       --O Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.e  L This newsgroup is sponsored by ClariNet Communications Corp.  The "executive moderator" is Brad Templeton.o