0                      R O M A N A   ' N   D A V E6                starring Lalla Ward and David Letterman.                         Written by: Tom Golden   5 EPISODE 1:  FIRST TIME IN ROMANA'S NEWLY-BUILT TARDIS    F ROMANA: David, you may travel with me, but BE CAREFUL.  There is a lotH         of technical equipment in my Tardis that is quite dangerous when         misused.   K DAVE:   Wouldn't be G.E. equipment by any chance, would it?  Those stinking K         weasels have their grubby paws everywhere.  Hey Romana, what's this L         button do--HOLY...GEEZ...WHOA...well I'm sure that the kids watchingL         got full value for their entertainment dollar, er, pound, that time.G         And, I got a perm to boot. Is it dollars or pounds, by the way?    0 ROMANA: Pounds.  David, DO shut up and SIT DOWN.   E DAVE:   You know, Time Lady, you're not only a mega-intelligent super G         being, I'm proud to say that you are one FABulous babe. And I'm F         not really into aliens -- although I did have Nastassia KinskiG         on my show once.  Just kidding, just kidding.  Geez, nobody can K         take a joke.  Can you regenerate into, say, Teri Garr or something?    H ROMANA: (Ignoring him)  David, make yourself useful.  Come over here and@         watch this screen for me while I adjust our coordinates.   A DAVE:   Hey! Are we going to see a clip from next week's episode?    E ROMANA: (To herself) (sigh) A chronic hysteresis is too good for him.    F DAVE:   (eyeing the dematerialization lever)  Well, what have we here?I         Folks, I just want you to know that this is a REAL Tardis because F         if it weren't, could I do this with it?  (Pulls lever back and         forth)    ROMANA: David...NOOOOO!..    ? TARDIS DEMATERIALIZES...ELVIS APPEARS BRIEFLY AND DISAPPEARS... $ TARDIS REMATERIALIZES IN DARK FOREST   I ROMANA: ...you STUPID, American pseudo-chat show GIT!  Stop grinning like H         a JACK-O-LANTERN and GET AWAY from the CONSOLE!  Who knows WHERE&         we've ended up because of you!   E ROMANA SURVEYS THE CONSOLE OF HER TARDIS.  SHE SCRATCHES HER HEAD AND  BITES HER LIP.   K ROMANA: Right...where are we...looks like Thertirok VI-H.  A planet teeming L         with people whose intelligence rivals the brightest twelve-year-oldsH         on Earth.  You're lucky we didn't land anywhere where you'd haveJ         trouble coping.  Now, you wait here while I go out and have a look         'round...    F ROMANA OPENS DOORS AND EXITS TARDIS, LEAVING DAVID ALONE IN THE TARDIS   F DAVE:   Well, Romana, since we are in a lull in the action, and we areF         in a lull because you missed the rehearsal, I just want you toI         know that, you've GOT to stop missing the rehearsals, I'd like to N         take a moment and bring out this week's guest monster...Paul Schaffer.I         Paul, why don't you take a swipe at the Time-babe for the cameras H         while I go over to my side of the Tardis -- let's all give him a         round of applause.   I ROMANA SCREAMS AND RUNS BACK INTO TARDIS.  AS SHE TRIES TO SHUT THE DOOR, J A LARGE SCALY HAND WITH LOTS OF GARISH LAS VEGAS ENTERTAINER-STYLE JEWELRYJ GETS CAUGHT IN IT.  ROMANA BRIEFLY RELEASES THE DOOR, ALLOWING THE HAND TO PULL BACK.  THE DOOR CLOSES.   K DAVE:   Romana...PAUL doesn't miss rehearsals.  Wasn't that realistic?  Hee 7         hee hee.  By the way, how are we doing on time?    J ROMANA: (to herself) Calm down, Romana, having him here means I won't haveD         to regenerate into Meryl Streep...think ratings...ratings...E         ratings...(pauses)  David, I am a Time Lady...time is NOT one          of our problems.   I DAVE:   Tell that to Pat Sajak -- I hear they're shrinking his show to 15 I         minutes...it'll be so fast-paced it'll be over before viewers can          switch to Arsenio.   F ROMANA: RIGHT!  I've had enough!  I'm regenerating RIGHT NOW into, whoE         was it...yes, CHER!  Yes, she'll sort you RIGHT OUT!  (Closes &         eyes tightly and concentrates)   L DAVE:   Aw, don't go away mad!  I treat everybody this way.  I'm just havingH         fun with you.  Here, have some Late Night Fish Sticks and DoctorE         Who brand Jellybabies.  And remember, I'm just here to ensure F         that Lionheart makes money on the deal.  Other than that, it's         YOUR show.  OK?    K ROMANA: (Opens eyes, realizing defeat at the hands of market forces) Yes, I K         know -- I'm sorry.  And you ARE a more realistic American than that A         girl the Doctor told me about...what was her name...Peri?    1 DAVE:   Was that the Eurobabe with the enormous--    ) ROMANA: David, this is a children's show!    E DAVE:   VOICE!  I was going to say VOICE.  Boy, you really have a low 2         opinion of me.  I am miffed...nay, PEEVED.   G ROMANA: (Sarcastically) I'm sure you had her voice in mind.  (Aside)  I J         wonder if I still have the Doctor's Velcro scarf...if I could justH         wrap it over his mouth a few times...maybe when I have time...OrI         better yet, a whole WALL of Velcro -- wrap it around him and then .         hang him up on a wall of the Tardis...   H DAVE:   (Wandering out of the control room and into the Tardis interior)J         I am really PEEVED at this point.  PEEVED.  PEEVED.  What a wimpy,J         weaselly kind of word.  Y'know, TARDIS sounds like a disease whereL         you're always late...'Yes sir, I was late because I'm suffering from0         TARDIS...' (voice fades into background)   E ROMANA: Oh for a sonic screwdriver aimed through his ear and into his          brain...   4 NEXT TIME:  DAVE MEETS THE BLACK AND WHITE GUARDIANS   9 (But only if enough of you like this pilot episode! :-) )    F - Tom Golden                                    tgolden@cup.portal.com     C ROMANA 'N DAVE: A Doctor Who Spinoff Satire Hypothetically Starring / Lalla Ward and David Letterman -- by Tom Golden    4 EPISODE 2:  DAVE MEETS THE BLACK AND WHITE GUARDIANS   N OUR STORY SO FAR:  Dave accidentally causes Romana's new Tardis to materializeI on planet Thertirok IV-H.  Romana checks out the surroundings, only to be C chased back into the Tardis by a guest monster hand (played by Paul ? Schaffer).  Dave serves fish sticks and jellybabies for dinner.    H THE NEXT MORNING -- ROMANA IS BUSILY PULLING OUT AND REPLACING BURNT-OUT* CIRCUIT BOARDS FROM THE CONTROL CONSOLE...   B DAVE:   (Entering the control room, yawns)  Y'know, this Tardis ofE         yours would be a whole lot nicer if there were signs pointing F         to where the can is.  I must have spent half the night looking         for it.    H ROMANA: (Uncomfortably) Male humanoid... hmmm... Down the main corridor,D         once to the left, once to the right, then two more lefts and0         another right -- I presume you found it?   E DAVE:   LEFT off the main corridor?  I went right, right, left, left, E         left, then kind of diagonally and then left...the room LOOKED          like a bathroom...    ROMANA: Oh NO, the ZERO ROOM!    G DAVE:   Well I guess it's the ONE and TWO room now...(grins sheepishly)          sorry.   D ROMANA: I guess I'll just have to jettison it from the architectural@         configuration... (sigh) is there no end to your madness?    DAVE:   What did you say?    F ROMANA: I said, 'Is there no mending this Tardis?'  We burnt out a lotE         of circuitry when we dematerialized so suddenly.  We're stuck &         here until I can make repairs.   C DAVE:   Stuck?  I have tickets to a Knicks game tonight!  They cost /         a FORTUNE and I'm not about to miss it!    E ROMANA: Don't worry...I can get you there on time, and then after the I         game is over I can get you there again and you can watch from the +         other side, Blinovich willing.  OK?    F DAVE:   Really?  I think I could get used to travelling around in this          crate if we can do that.   B ROMANA: (to herself) but can New York handle TWO of him, I wonder?   B LOOKING BORED, DAVE TAKES A HANDY PENCIL AND FINGERS IT...AND THEN( LOOKS MISCHEVIOUSLY AT THE VIEWSCREEN...   A DAVE:   Hmmm...wonder what kind of sound it'd make...naah, I'm in 2         enough trouble already.  Hee hee hee hee--   I SUDDENLY, WITH A CLAP OF THUNDER, TWO FIGURES APPEAR ON THE VIEWSCREEN --  THE BLACK AND WHITE GUARDIANS!   ; DAVE:   Hey, Romana -- look at the two geeks on the screen!    @ ROMANA: What?  OH!  David, they are not...'geeks'...they are theD         Black and White Guardians...you should be more respectful...   F DAVE:   Sounds like a security service for police cars.  Who are these
         guys?    F WG:     ROMANADVORATRELUNDAR...We bid you GREETINGS and FELICITATIONS.         What means GEEK?   G ROMANA: (To guardians) It is a term of the highest respect.  P-p-please C         don't mind David, he's a little eccentric.  He goes on like E         this for hours at times.  David, these beings are the supreme B         forces for good and evil in this universe.  Now, be a good,         companion ... and ... say ... HELLO.   G DAVE:   Oh, you mean like Batman and the Joker.  Hey, I think the White <         Guardian is...yes, folks, it's really Chris Elliott!   H WG:     (whispers) Shut up Dave, you'll ruin the sketch...Marv Albert isG         the Black Guardian, OK?  Don't be a jerk -- follow the program,          OK?    I DAVE:   Hee hee hee hee hee...Okay, Chris, I mean Mr. White Guardian, hee I         hee hee...hello, it is, and I mean this sincerely, it is an HONOR $         and a privilege to meet you.   H WG:     (Elliott's most pompous tone)  Why thank you, young man.  I mustE         say, you haven't been much of a force for good, have you.  Do G         you have anything to say for yourself?  Perhaps something like, E         'I'm sorry for not giving Chris Elliot more time on my show'?    B DAVE:   Hee hee hee hee Well, I just don't know what to say... I--   H BG:     YESSSSS! Wait! I think that I must point out that he hasn't doneK         much to serve me either.  In fact, he's been mostly a waste of good F         protoplasm for most of his life.  I have an idea...YESSS!  WhyI         don't I just fix the space between his teeth and then no one will @         be compelled to stare transfixed at him anymore...YESSS!   L DAVE:   You mean I wouldn't be able to, like, STARE directly into the cameraG         and say something like 'I...AM...DAVE...LETTERMAN,...AND YOU... C         WILL...OBEY...*ME*' and people won't watch my show anymore?    J WG:     (Ignoring Dave)  We don't have time...remember, YOU locked the KeyM         to Time in a parallel universe, and now we have to find the Locksmith          Guardian...    5 DAVE:   The supreme force for Shlage in the universe?    7 WG:     No, Yale.  Just stick to the script, Dave...OK?    ? DAVE:   Hee hee hee...Y'know, Guardians,  I hear that there's a E         football game between the 49ers and 5 other teams at the same H         time -- and I hear that NBC's looking to sign Brent Musberger toF         cover it.  I'm just about ready to put it on the viewscreen...          would you like to watch?   M BG:     (hurriedly)  If you'll excuse me, I have some other obligationssss...          YESSSSS.....   D THE BLACK GUARDIAN DISAPPEARS FROM THE VIEWSCREEN TO THE SOUNDS OF A8 FOOTBALL CROWD ENTHUSIASTICALLY CHEERING A FIELD GOAL...   * DAVE:   I knew Marv'd fall for that one...   G WG:     Your companion is much brighter than he looks.  But then again, 2         most asteroids are brighter than he looks.   B ROMANA: (whispering to Dave)  You are too lucky for your own good.@         Don't you get it?  These Guardians can alter time so you         NEVER existed!   E DAVE:   (whispering to Romana)  If I never existed, then Chris Elliot C         would still be a taxi driver in Manhattan, whining 'I'm Bob 9         and Ray's son!  I'm Bob and Ray's Son' all the --    D WG:     SILENCE!  ROMANADVORATRELUNDAR, the Key to Time is locked inG         a parallel universe, and I want YOU to search for the Locksmith G         Guardian.  I'll pick up the tab, of course.  All you need do is G         find him and I can do the rest.  You will find what you need to E         complete the task on this planet.  Do you have any questions?    G DAVE:   Yeah, I want to know why you took the job on 'Nick and Hillary' F         a while back.  I mean, that show just stank up the place.  NBCJ         actually got the first negative share in ratings history with that         turkey.    E WG:     (as Chris Elliott) Dave, for the LAST time, shut UP and stick @         to the SCRIPT -- or I'll have to TOAST you with my White         Guardian Powers.   F ROMANA: Regardless of who you think he is, David, I suggest you listen8         to what he says -- I know what he is capable of.   G DAVE:   Ok, ok.  But you promise to let me smoke a cigar in the control          room.  Deal?   J ROMANA: (Hesitates) Deal. (to herself) And I thought the Doctor was out of6         control.  I wish I hadn't left K-9 with Biroc!   I DAVE:   Biroc?  Oh, you mean the guy who looks like Vincent on Beauty and G         the Beast?  Yeah, I never saw anyone actually dump Kal Kan on a @         plate and eat it with a fork and some white wine before!          By candlelight, no less!   2 ROMANA: Look!  The White Guardian has disappeared!   I DAVE:   Yeah, probably to do another book tour.  Well, it looks like it's ?         time to go down the hall, or rather outside.  Shall we?    * ROMANA: I think that would be a good idea.   J ROMANA AND DAVE VENTURE OUTSIDE THE TARDIS, WHICH LOOKS LIKE A 7 FOOT TALLJ GRAY BOX.  THE TARDIS IS IN A SMALL CLEARING, SURROUNDED BY A DARK FOREST.G AS THEY CLOSE THE DOOR AND STEP AWAY, THE BOX BEGINS TO GLOW AND CHANGE  SHAPE...    DAVE:   Hey, what's it doing?    J ROMANA: The Tardis is activating its chameleon circuit -- to blend in with8         its surroundings.  And mine actually works, too.   @ DAVE:   But it's not quite blending in, is it...it looks like --   ! ROMANA: Like a seven-foot-tall --    ! DAVE:   Yep, it's a fire hydrant.    D ROMANA: I should NEVER have trusted K-9 to correctly remember how toE         build a chameleon circuit.  Oh well, nothing we can do now...          we're off...   E DAVE:   Y'know, Romana, TARDIS is a really dumb word...it sounds like F         the stuff you get on your teeth...'Ummm, we're going to scrapeD         all the TARDIS off your teeth now', or 'Chewing CRUNCHY-BONEB         Dog Biscuits will remove stubborn TARDIS off of your dog's$         teeth.' Hee hee hee he he --   ) ROMANA: David, DO shut up and let's go...    J DAVE:   (Voice fading as they walk into the forest)  Well, YES MA'AM, yourF         Time Ladyship... You know, I think I ought to check the air inE         your ego next time we're near a service station...it's just a &         leeeeetle bit over-inflated...     NEXT TIME:  THE LETTERMAN FACTOR      C ROMANA 'N DAVE: A Doctor Who Spinoff Satire Hypothetically Starring / Lalla Ward and David Letterman -- by Tom Golden      EPISODE 3:  THE LETTERMAN FACTOR   A OUR STORY SO FAR:  Romana 'n Dave find themselves still on planet B Thertirok VI-H.  The White Guardian (really Chris Elliott) informsA them that the Black Guardian locked the Key to Time in a parallel B universe and instructs them to find the Locksmith Guardian -- 'theA supreme force for Schlage in the universe'.  They must search the D planet to obtain the necessary tools to find the Locksmith Guardian.A They leave Romana's Tardis, which changes shape into a giant fire 
 hydrant...   B What they don't know is that they have landed in the middle of theA war between the Daleks -- Davros' new generation vs. the Imperial B originals. The Imperials are on Thertirok to find a new source forF their 'Human Factor' which makes them unpredictable and therefore ableF to cope with Davros' Daleks.  Davros, in hot pursuit, has just landed,: after a brief trip to Earth to pick up an important guest.    SCENE 1: DAVROS' HQ    B TWO CHAMBERS -- LABELLED 'CHAMBER A' AND 'CHAMBER B' ARE CONNECTED@ BY LOTS OF WIRE AND EQUIPMENT.  DALEKS ARE HURRYING ABOUT IN ALLD DIRECTIONS.  (Davros' daleks will be denoted as '1', '2', '3', etc.)   $ DAVROS: Seat our guest in Chamber B.  AF DALEK1: (To guest)  PRISONER  LARRYBUD  MELMAN  MOVE  MOVE  MOVE  INTO         CHAMBER  B  MOVE   I MELMAN: (as if reading from cue cards)  Get Away From Me, You Pepper PotsA&         From Hell!  AH HA HA HA HA HA!  AC DALEK1: MOVE  INTO  CHAMBER  B  OR  YOU  WILL  BE  EX-TERM-I-NA-TEDh  i7 MELMAN: Hey, Chill Out, Dudes.  I'm Moving, I'm Moving.l  tH DAVROS: And now I will enter Chamber A.  On my signal, you will initiate         the transfer sequence.  r DALEK2: I  OBEYh  sI DAVROS: (Meglomaniacal soliloquy) This body has served me well.  But now, E         even my advanced knowledge cannot save it from death.  So...IuE         shall simply transfer my essence into another body not unlikenF         my own.  You, Larry 'Bud' Melman, will assist me in living andG         carrying on my work.  With your body, there is nothing I cannot J         do...no world I cannot conquer...and my Daleks, under my -- our --@         leadership, will CONQUER...THE...UNIVERSE!!!  SWITCH ON!  i DALEK2: I  OBEYh  oF LOTS OF REALLY NEAT SPECIAL EFFECTS -- DAVROS' BODY SHRIVELS UP INSIDE7 HIS CHAIR...AND LARRY 'BUD' DEVELOPS AN EVIL EXPRESSION    G MELMAN: We ... Are ... Melman ... We ... Are ... Davros ... (stands up)dD         I am Larry 'Bud' Davros -- an amalgam of both of the keenestG         minds in the Universe.  Dispose of my old husk and chair... and          bring me my new chair.  iC DALEK1: I  OBEY ... DISPOSE  OF  CONTENTS  OF  CHAMBER  A ... BRINGl(         DAVROS'  NEW  TRANSPORT  VEHICLE   & DALEK2: BRING  NEW  TRANSPORT  VEHICLE  s, DALEK3:       BRING  NEW  TRANSPORT  VEHICLE  ,F DALEK4: (Bringing what appears to be a shiny new tricycle)  WHY  DO  IH         GET  STUCK  WITH  ALL  THE  DIRTY  JOBS  WE  ARE  ALL  IDENTICAL  NB DALEK3: (To Dalek 4)  OBEY  OR  YOU  WILL  BE  ASSIGNED  TO  OGRON         LATRINE  DUTY   u DALEK4: I  OBEY   oG LARRY 'BUD' DAVROS SITS DOWN ON THE TRICYCLE AND STARTS PEDDLING AROUND   o> MELMAN: Ahhh, I feel so *energetic*!  I feel like I want to...         EXTERMINATE something!   : DALEKS: (In unison)  EXTERMINATE  EXTERMINATE  EXTERMINATE  . MELMAN: AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!r  o' SCENE 2:  MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE FORESTp  lC DAVE:   Ah, this is just like a walk in Central Park.  WATCH OUT, An>         MUGGER!  Just kidding, just kidding -- hahahahahaha...   B ROMANA: That was NOT funny, David.  Look, there's a clearing...and<         beyond that are some buildings.  We're nearly there.  L@ DAVE:   I can just make out the word 'TRUMP' on the front doors.  aB ROMANA: That's not possible -- they don't even speak English here.  iE DAVE:   Yeah...and Donald Trump doesn't own NASA yet. You're probablyo         right.  Whoa...a   G ROMANA AND DAVE ARE SURROUNDED BY IMPERIAL DALEKS (denoted as 'a', 'b',e
 'c', etc.)  e DALEKa: HALT  HALT  o7 DALEKb:    HALT   HALT  OR  YOU  WILL  BE  EXTERMINATED    ? DAVE:   What the HELL is this, Romana?  I don't think I've evera8         been held up by mutant Mobil gas pumps before...  KF ROMANA: David, these petrol pumps are armed -- they're called 'Daleks'H         and they are VERY dangerous.  Just do what they say and I'll try*         to come up with a way out of this.  NL DALEKa: SILENCE  SILENCE  YOU  WILL  COME  TO  IMPERIAL  DALEK  HEADQUARTERS,         FOR  INTERROGATION  MOVE  MOVE  MOVE  e DALEKb: MOVE  MOVE  MOVE  eI ONE OF THE DALEKS ROTATES ITS PLUNGER AND ACCIDENTALLY HITS ROMANA IN THEr2 HEAD.  ROMANA COLLAPSES TO THE GROUND UNCONSCIOUS.  SD DAVE:   Oh, so you're SOOOO superior -- you've gone and HIT a WOMAN.F         OOOOOOOooooh, you mutant mobile slot machine, you -- Why don'tF         you just PICK on someone your OWN SIZE?  Geez, I just can't --   9 DALEKc: SILENCE...  MOVE  OR  YOU  WILL  BE  EXTERMINATEDi  r9 DAVE:   OK, ok, you don't have to tell ME thirteen times!e  d0 DAVE AND THE DALEKS PROCEED TO IMPERIAL DALEK HQ    SCENE 3:  DALEK HQ  YF DALEKa: YOU  HAVE  COMPLETED  TESTS  ON  SUBJECT  LET-TER-MAN.  REPORT         REPORT  REPORT  oF DALEKb: SUBJECT  LET-TER-MAN  SHOWS  UTILITY  MARGINALLY  SUPERIOR  TOE         POPULATION  OF  THIS  PLANET...  IDEAL  CANDIDATE  FOR  HUMAN          FACTOR  REPLACEMENT   eA DALEKa: INSTALL  SUBJECT  LET-TER-MAN  IN  WAR  COMPUTER  CONSOLEo  h DALEKb: I  OBEYa  hC DAVE:   Wait, so I tested well -- I always do well on tests!  Can'tgC         we just sit down and, and, and just talk about it over someoD         Romana 'n Dave brand burnt toast with marmalade?  Awww, this#         isn't going to hurt, is it?r  mB DAVE SITS IN THE WAR COMPUTER CONSOLE CHAIR.  HIS FACE GOES BLANK.   B DALEKa: DALEKS  PREPARE  TO  RECEIVE  NEW  INSTRUCTIONS  FROM  WAR         COMPUTER    DALEKS: I  OBEY  I  OBEY       SCENE 4:  BACK IN THE FOREST  .G A SHORT STRANGER IN A PINSTRIPE SUIT AND ARGYLE VEST IS WALKING THROUGHiB THE FOREST.  HE IS CARRYING A COUPLE OF ELECTRONIC BOOKS, THE WORDH 'PANIC' BEING CLEARLY VISIBLE ON THE FRONT OF ONE.  CAN IT BE?  IT IS -- IT'S FORD PREFECT!  r: FORD STUMBLES OVER ROMANA, WHO IS STILL LYING UNCONSCIOUS.  hH FORD:   Well, what have we here?  Shall I roll her for Altarian dollars?E         No, it wouldn't be sporting.  I guess I should wake her up... :         or just walk by and pretend I didn't see anything.  i0 FORD TAKES A COIN OUT OF HIS POCKET AND FLIPS IT  sG FORD:   Heads...(reads coin)  Damn!  Well, I guess I'd better wake her.l<         (Gently slapping her)  Wake up, wake up...wake up...  n& ROMANA: Oooohh, my head.  Who are you?  s> FORD:   My name is...Zaphod.  Zaphod Beeblebrox.  And you are?   E ROMANA: Romanadvoratrelundar.  You may call me Romana.  Beeblebrox --f&         That's Betelgeusian, isn't it?   A BETELGEUSE: (Cameo) Just say it 2 more times and...it's SHOWTIME!.  tC FORD:   What was that?  Ah, my girl, you have me.  Born and raised.l  S; ROMANA: (Getting up)  Well, what brings you to this planet?   PC FORD:   Well, ah, I'm a writer for a new travel guide which is justFE         starting up.  It's for galactic business travellers who don'taA         like to travel.  It's called 'The Galaxxidental Tourist'. C         I'm checking out Thertirok for the next edition.  I've been C         here 3 years now.  It's really exciting -- not like the job H         I used to have, with a more dubious publication.  What are *you*         doing here?    C ROMANA: We landed here by accident.  We were ambushed by Daleks and'$         my companion was taken away.   E FORD:   Bad news, those Daleks...landed here over the weekend.  You'de@         think they took weekends off, but no, seven days a week,L         twenty-four hours a day, just exterminate, exterminate, exterminate.8         They've really put a damper on the neighborhood.  eF ROMANA: I'm sorry to hear that.  Look, I really must dash, got to save(         my companion from certain death.  rG FORD:   You wouldn't by any chance be in a position to leave the planet.         soon, would you?  e+ ROMANA: Actually, I would.  Why do you ask?O   $ FORD:   Well, allow me to explain...  n  W SCENE 5:  BACK IN IMPERIAL HQ    G THE DALEKS HAVE RECEIVED THE NEW PROGRAMMING AND ARE ACTING ACCORDINGLYa  iE DALEKa: LETTER  NUMBER  1   LETTER  NUMBER  2   LETTER  NUMBER  3 ...s   E DALEKb: IF  I  WEREN'T  A  REAL  DALEK,  COULD  I  DO  THIS  (Wigglesg         plunger back and forth)t   D DALEKc: (Wearing large pair of sunglasses on its dome)  ITS  JUST  AB         GROOVY  TRIP  TO  BE  HERE  MAN...WHERE  IS  THE  REST  OF,         THE  BAND... WHERE  IS  MY  KEYBOARD   H DALEKd: I'M  WEARING  A  BLUE  SHIRT  TAN  PANTS  AND  A  BROWN  BELT...E         THANKS  FOR  ASKING  DAVE... I'M  WEARING  A  BLUE  SHIRT ...c  g* NEXT TIME:  THE ATTACK OF THE LETTERDALEKS     C ROMANA 'N DAVE: A Doctor Who Spinoff Satire Hypothetically Starringi/ Lalla Ward and David Letterman -- by Tom Golden    & EPISODE 4:  ATTACK OF THE LETTERDALEKS  tA OUR STORY SO FAR:  Romana 'n Dave find themselves still on planetN@ Thertirok VI-H, on a quest to find the tools necessary to locateC the Locksmith Guardian and unlock the Key to Time.  Dave falls intok? the hands (or whatever) of the Imperial Daleks and is forced torE link up mentally with their War Computer as their new 'Human Factor'.U   J Meanwhile in the nearby Renegade Dalek encampment, Davros has superimposedH himself on the hapless consciousness of Larry 'Bud' Melman and discardedJ his old chair -- replacing it with a brand new red tricycle so he can keepJ the same perspective on his work.  Larry 'Bud' Davros now schemes with hisI Dalek subordinates on how best to overtake the Imperial force and preventA< them from making use of their newly acquired 'human factor'.   H Back in the forest, Romana, accidentally knocked unconscious by a clumsyD Imperial Dalek, wakes up to find Ford Prefect standing over her.  HeL introduces himself as his semi-cousin Zaphod (don't ask -- this is a parody,B read the original book) and asks if she can get him off Thertirok.  ,H Script Legend -- To minimize space wasted on character cues, I indicate:<                 Imperial Daleks are 'DALEKa', 'DALEKb', etc.<                 Renegade Daleks are 'DALEK1', 'DALEK2', etc.E                 Davros is now referred to as 'MELMAN' as noted above.r  s  SCENE 1:  LARRY 'BUD' DAVROS' HQ  nH LARRY 'BUD' DAVROS AND COMPANY PREPARE TO ACTIVATE THE SPY CAMERA PLACED IN THE IMPERIAL HQ.i  I  MELMAN: Activate the viewscreen.    DALEK1: I  OBEY,   G THE VIEWSCREEN LIGHTS UP.  THE CAMERA PANS TO REVEAL A DALEK COVERED INoG VELCRO AND HANGING ON A VELCRO WALL, ONE TRYING TO PLAY A KEYBOARD WITHnF ITS PLUNGER AND A COUPLE OF DALEKS RUNNING OVER TENNIS SHOES IN A VAINF ATTEMPT TO PUT THEM ON.  YET ANOTHER DALEK, WEARING A LARGE NECKTIE ISH SWAYING BACK AND FORTH, TRYING TO EMULATE DAVE'S WAY OF USING HIS LAPELS+ TO MOVE HIS TIE BACK AND FORTH ON HIS NECK.e   D DALEKa: (on viewscreen) THOSE  DALEKS  MISSING  REHEARSALS  WILL  BE         EXTERMINATED  tG DALEKb:   EXTERMINATED  HEE HEE HEE... EXTERMINATE  WE'RE  HAVING  SOMEm         FUN  NOW   C DALEKc:       EXTERMINATED... HEE HEE HEE  I  AM  A  REAL  DALEK...WN         IF  I  WEREN'T  COULD  I  DO  THIS  (blasts big hole in computer bank)   K DALEKd:           ...WEARING  BLUE  SHIRT,  TAN  PANTS  AND  BROWN  BELT... $         THANKS  FOR  ASKING  DAVE...  iJ MELMAN: (Visibly shaken)  So...they've found their Human factor...but it'sL         NOT a HUMAN factor -- it is a HUMOR factor.  Of COURSE!  How could IE         have missed it?  FUNNY WAR!  Daleks -- we must leave at ONCE!rD         Back to Earth...we must find one named -- JAY LENO!  Only heH         can counter the Imperial Daleks' HUMOR FACTOR.  And, once I haveH         converted Jay into one of my Daleks, I will be not only the mostF         POWERFUL...BEING...IN...THE...UNIVERSE...BUT...THE...SILLIEST!         AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!   o THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.n   7 MELMAN: Open it -- see who it is, then exterminate him.   ' DALEKd: I  OBEY  (Opens door)e  o7 GUY:    Here's your pizzas...all forty-five thousand...e  e MELMAN: WHAAAT?   oH GUY:    Pizza Planet...pizza to go...you order forty-five thousand large         pizzas?i  iH MELMAN: I certainly did NOT.  This must be...the ATTACK of the LETTERMAN0         DALEKS!  THEY...WILL...PAY...FOR...THIS!  UG GUY:    Nope, bud, YOU'LL pay for this.  I ain't leaving until I get myt         money.   $ MELMAN: Very well.  Exterminate him.  h/ DALEK MOVES FORWARD TO EXTERMINATE PIZZA MAN...s  e# GUY:    Uh uh...I'm with the union.   i4 DALEK FREEZES, TURNS AROUND AND ROLLS AWAY IN TERROR   I MELMAN: CURSES!  Beaten by a bunch of late night mutants!  Very well, payEI         him.  (Looks at pizza man) You...bring one of those pizzas to me.r  E GUY:    OK, here you are.   aG MELMAN: (Downs a slice of the pizza)  Delicious...and I thought I hated          anchovies.  t GUY:    They aren't anchovies.  A MELMAN: Something artificial?   l8 GUY:    No...Dalek tentacles.  Pizza Planet's specialty.  cH MELMAN: (Spitting out pizza)  AAAAUAUUUUUUGGGGHHHH!  I'M...A...CANNIBAL!=         OUT!  GET OUT!  AAHHHHAHAHAUYUUUGH!  THE HUMILIATION!Y  w SCENE 2:  IMPERIAL DALEK HQ    L IMPERIAL DALEKS ARE HUDDLED AROUND A VIEWSCREEN, BEERS IN 'HAND'.  SIX-PACKSF OF BEER AND BAGS OF POTATO CHIPS ARE STREWN EVERYWHERE.  ONE DALEK HASF A LIT CIGAR STUCK IN ITS EYE-TUBE.  THEY HAVE BEEN WATCHING THE EVENTS; IN DAVROS' HQ  AND ARE VISIBLY (?) PLEASED WITH THE OUTCOMEt  hJ DALEKa: SUCCESS!  WE  HAVE  SUCCEEDED  IN  HUMILIATING  DAVROS.  OUR  NEXTG         OBJECTIVE  IS  NOW  CLEAR...TRAVEL  TO  EARTH  AND  EXTERMINATEw-         STINKING  WEASEL  G.E.  EXECUTIVES...A   D DALEKS: EXTERMINATE  EXTERMINATE  STINKING  WEASELS  EXTERMINATE ...  oK ROMANA AND FORD, HAVING CREPT STEALTHILY INTO THE IMPERIAL HQ, ARE WATCHINGpH FROM BEHIND A COMPUTER BANK.  ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM, DAVE STARESI VACANTLY INTO SPACE...A CIGAR WIRED TO THE WAR CONSOLE IS IN HIS MOUTH -- K IT APPEARS THAT THE CIGAR IS THE MEANS BY WHICH THE WAR COMPUTER INTERFACESh WITH HIS BRAIN.y  oH ROMANA: Looks like they've beaten Davros.  Good -- they're occupied.  If=         only the remaining Daleks will go into the next room.t   H FORD:   Pardon me for asking, but, why don't we just LEAVE him here?  AsH         long as your Terran Yank git is plugged into their War Computer,G         they're basically harmless.  Small price to pay, if you ask me.o  wH ROMANA: Sorry, it just won't do...I can't believe I'm saying it, but I'mI         FOND of him...well, sort of.  In any case, they don't need him --K  I A DALEK COMES UP BEHIND THEM  TI DALEKe: YOU  ARE  PRISONERS  OF  THE  DALEKS...WHERE  ARE  YOU  FROM  ANDHJ         WHAT  IS  YOUR  PET'S  NAME,  PLEASE?  YOUR PET'S NAME, YOUR PET'S         NAME,  NAME,  NAME   D FORD:   Look, um, you've captured us, OK.  And you're really a BRAVEE         Dalek for capturing us.  I don't want to minimize that.  But,EH         since you already have us, and we can't get away,  do you reallyF         need us here, as such?  I was thinking, maybe the missus and IB         could just toddle over to a nearby pub, down a few, reallyM         *enjoy* ourselves, and then just quietly slip back into place when --   eE DALEKe: SILENCE  SILENCE  OR  YOU  WILL  BE  EXTERMINATED  AND  SHOWNi+         ON  INSTANT  REPLAY  REPLAY  REPLAYy   F FORD:   (Whispers to Romana)  Well, it worked the last time I used it.         Your turn.  R9 ROMANA: (To Ford)  Pretend you're my house pet.  Quickly!S  f FORD:   Have you gone spare?  e ROMANA: Just DO IT!   O FORD:   Ok, ok.h  uF ROMANA: (To Dalek, in bad Midwestern accent)  Well, Dave, I'm PrunellaB         Chutney of East West, Indiana, and this is my pet gorilla,'         Ivan.  Say hello to Dave, Ivan.o  e# FORD:   (Humiliated)  OOH  OOH  OOHt  .2 DALEKe: AND  WHAT  DOES  YOUR  GORILLA  DO  DO  DO   F ROMANA: He plays the drums.  (Grabbing two plastic rods nearby)  Here,I         Ivan, play the drums for Dave.  Over near the War Computer, Ivan.-  yJ FORD:   OOH OOH OOH  (Starts banging on the various consoles)  OOH OOH OOH  n2 ROMANA: Harder, Ivan...Over near the War Computer.  I2 FORD:   OOH  OOH  OOH  Bloody hell.  OOH  OOH  OOH   F FORD STARTS BREAKING THE COMPUTER BANKS BY HITTING THEM HARD.  HE HITS= THE WAR COMPUTER CONSOLE.  THE CIGAR FALLS FROM DAVE'S MOUTH.   rF DAVE:   ...the LOTTO maCHINE is BRO-KEN...ooooooh, where am I?  I must.         be on a rerun...it feels like a rerun.  GF DALEKe: THAT  WAS  REALLY  CUTE  HAL  CAN  WE  SEE  THAT  AGAIN  AGAIN
         AGAIN.   E ROMANA: Let's get out of here...quickly, before they notice.  Back toa         my Tardis!   G DAVE:   Romana, who's this guy you're with...and what's that fish doing          in his ear?e  o+ ROMANA: I'll explain later...now, let's GO!e  n ROMANA, DAVE AND FORD EXIT.e  oJ DALEKe: IS  MAVEL  PARFNORD  BACKSTAGE?  MAVEL  PARFNORD  AND  HER  FERRET         SYLVESTER?  o SCENE 3:  BACK IN THE TARDIS   D DAVE:   Great...so we're back, but we still don't know how to get toC         the Locksmith Guardian.  And my mouth is cramping somethingR@         awful...like I've been smoking a cigar for about a week.  1 FORD:   Locksmith Guardian?S  e ROMANA: You know him?    B FORD:   Not personally, but I do have his address.  Just a tick...>         (Pulls up electronic book, taps a few buttons, shrieks&         in horror)  AAAHHH! Wrong man.  P ROMANA: What happened?  HC FORD:   I pressed the wrong button and got a biography on a certainBA         gentleman called Adams.  He's quite mad, you know.  WrotegC         such awful things about me.  None of it ever happened.  MadgF         as a hatter. Well, let's try again.  Ahhh, Locksmith Guardian,9         here it is (tears off printout from top of book).e  d# ROMANA: Earth?  In-dye-anna-pohlis?   aB DAVE:   Lemme see that.  Ohhh, Gaaad.  Heee hee hee.  I just don'tH         believe this.  Hee hee hee.  'Location:  Indiannapolis, Indiana,?         United States, North America, Earth, Sol, Milky Way'...rB         'Dwayne T. Schneider.'  Now, this just HAS to be a really,         really BAD dream.n  r ROMANA: Do you know him?   & DAVE:   Yeah, in a manner of speaking.  T FORD:   Don't forget me...  i+ ROMANA: Yes, where was it you wanted to go?P  A6 FORD:   Eroticon-6.  I have an, er, appointment there.  N$ ROMANA: Eroticon-6 it is.  Let's go!   H DAVE:   What is it the guy says on that show?  (Lifts hand and lowers it@         slightly in karate chop motion)  Engage.  Hee hee hee...  e  t
 ------------- C ROMANA 'N DAVE WILL BE BACK WITH ANOTHER EPISODE VERY SOON...IN THErF MEANTIME, R 'N D ARE ACCEPTING...READER MAIL!  JUST SEND YOUR QUESTIOND WITH A SUBJECT LINE OF 'ROMANA 'N DAVE READER MAIL' TO  R 'N D, CAREL OF 'tgolden@cup.portal.com' ON INTERNET.  *DON'T* SEND IT TO rec.arts.drwho.C DAVE WILL HYPOTHETICALLY ANSWER READER MAIL IN AN UPCOMING EPISODE.yF HE HYPOTHETICALLY CROSSES HIS HEART (or is it crosses his hypotheticalG heart?  It's hypothetically crosses his hypothetical heart, I think...)S
 -------------N   C ROMANA 'N DAVE: A Doctor Who Spinoff Satire Hypothetically StarringT/ Lalla Ward and David Letterman -- by Tom Golden   o- EPISODE #5:  REVENGE OF THE BAKER-MAN, PART 1l   D OUR STORY SO FAR:  Romana 'n Dave, still on a quest to locate DwayneE T. Schneider, the Locksmith Guardian, who can unlock the Key to Time,AF have just escaped the Daleks on planet Thertirok VI-H.  But a far more, painful and inconvenient evil awaits them...  nH SCENE 1:  GALLIFREY, A DARK CHAMBER BENEATH THE CITADEL...THE TIME SCOOP 	  ROOM!  NC THE VIEWSCREEN SILENTLY SHOWS ROMANA 'N DAVE IN THE CONSOLE ROOM OF B HER TARDIS.  DAVE IS THROWING PENCILS AT THE ROUNDELS WHILE ROMANAC BUSILY CHECKS VARIOUS PANELS ON THE CONSOLE.  A GLOVED HAND REACHESs& FOR A RED LEVER NEAR THE VIEWSCREEN...  .F THE LEVER IS PULLED.  R 'N D REACT IN SURPRISE AND THEN THE VIEWSCREENE GOES DARK.  A SMALL FIRE HYDRANT, A TALL, GOOFY LOOKING STATUETTE ANDMA A SMALL, GRACEFUL STATUETTE APPEAR ON THE CONSOLE IN FRONT OF THE H VIEWSCREEN.  THE HAND PULLING THE LEVER IS ATTACHED TO...NONE OTHER THAN COLIN BAKER (AS HIMSELF)!,  mF COLIN:	Ah, dressed in black as I always wanted.  And finally playing a@ 	part which I am truly uniquely suited for...the wronged hero...B 	a British...RAMBO!...I can be evil and destructive and still come? 	out lovable and smelling like the proverbial rose!  Romana, myu? 	dear, I am so sorry to use you as a pawn in this game, but thePA 	BBC must be made to suffer for dismissing me, so... prematurely. ; 	(Grins his trademark Alfred E. Neuman/Charlie Manson grin)A    SCENE 2:  A BBC SCREENING ROOM  OD THE SCREEN ON WHICH R 'N D WAS BEING SHOWN SUDDENLY GOES BLANK.  THEE PRODUCER, A BEARDED MAN WEARING A LOUD HAWAIIAN SHIRT, SUDDENLY TURNS H AROUND AND LOOKS AT THE DIRECTOR FOR AN ANSWER...THE DIRECTOR, WEARING A, BLUE SHIRT AND TAN PANTS, SHRUGS AND SAYS...  ,D HAL:	I'll get Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute and see if he can fill$ 	in while we try to find them, boss.   F BOSS:	Good.  I'll release a memo saying that there is no question that@ 	Romana 'n Dave will continue.  Hmmm...maybe I'd better get some+ 	new series in the pipeline just in case...O   % SCENE 3:  THE DEATH ZONE ON GALLIFREYJ   F ROMANA 'N DAVE LEAVE THE TARDIS.  IN THE DISTANCE IS THE DARK TOWER OF GALLIFREY, RASILLON'S TOMB.L  A$ ROMANA:	This place looks familiar...  LD DAVE:	EVERY place looks familiar to you -- when you've been stuck in> 	a rock quarry for 23 years!  What the HELL hit us?  It looked> 	like the obelisk from the movie 2001 -- or maybe a very large 	dark chocolate bar!  aD ROMANA:	That's it!  The TIME SCOOP...we must be in the DEATH ZONE on 	Gallifrey!w   ( DAVE:	Gallifrey?  Is that in New Jersey?  mE ROMANA:	NO! This is my HOME PLANET! What is it you say -- Get a clue?   AF DAVE:	The ZONE of DEATH?  Is that like fifty feet around the bathrooms 	in Yankee Stadium?S   G ROMANA:	David, shut up, listen to me and do EXACTLY what I say.  We areR@ 	in *grave* danger.  We could be killed at any moment -- or even	 	worse --C  Y DAVE:	Cancelled?  R ROMANA:	Precicely.  PH DAVE:	Got it.  Y'know, I got cancelled once a while back.  And if you've: 	ever been cancelled, you know what that feels like (*) --  YD 	[ (*) - thanks to Paul Christopher Workman for suggesting a vintage 	        Dave-ism ]r    ROMANA:	LOOK!  What are they?t  .L DAVE:	Suits...briefcases, yeah, they're GE executives all right, and they're 	after us.  Quick, let's hide.  C( ROMANA:	What can GE executives do to us?   A DAVE:	Something worse than death -- cut off our expense accounts.     ROMANA:	Let's hide.h   & SCENE 4:  PRODUCER'S OFFICE AT THE BBC   I THE 'BOSS' IS TALKING TO A THEATRICAL AGENT, BARRY ECZEMA (Played by PAULe DARROW -- Avon in Blakes Seven)A  oJ BARRY:	Well, John, you do seem to have a problem...your two stars suddenly= 	disappear in mid-telecast (smiles) without a trace.  I do so   	sympathize with your situation.   H BOSS:	Zamfir seems to be holding the attention of the Americans for now,. 	but our own audience seems to be catching on.   F BARRY:	Yes, well, they don't appreciate Zamfir's talent quite the same> 	way the Americans do.  In any event, Zamfir's capabilities as= 	a Network Time-Waster will be stretched to their limit quitea= 	soon.  Have you given any thought to...a more...permanent...t
 	replacement?.  'F BOSS:	Barry, I'm confident that Romana 'n Dave will turn up shortly...= 	and if they don't, I have a number of other new and original.< 	ideas in the pipeline.  For example, I'm casting for a show; 	right now -- 'The Fall and Rise of Roland Perrin the Rat'.y  mC BARRY:	Ah yes (smiles falsely but graciously) surely a winner and ae< 	landmark in British television history.  You know, A mutual? 	friend of ours just happens to be available right now...one to,A 	whom you may owe a favor or two...and he could be persuaded intoy3 	an interim arrangement -- for a reasonable amount.o    BOSS:	Who do you have in mind?  d BARRY:	Quite. (grins broadly)m  i  f SCENE 5: BACK IN THE DEATH ZONEo  o8 ROMANA 'N DAVE ARE RUNNING FROM A MOB OF -- CHER CLONES!   C DAVE:	This is worse than a nightmare -- this must be PRIME TIME!  Ik. 	actually find myself wishing I was Pat Sajak!  WF ROMANA:	Just keep running, and thank God that you found that defective6 	GE coffee maker which electrocuted the GE executives.   F DAVE:	Yep, they really got a shock out of their coffee that time...hee  	hee hee.  Wired, you might say.   ( ROMANA:	Oh no, it just occurred to me...  d DAVE:	What?   EA ROMANA:	The cliffhanger for this episode is due just about...NOW!     DAVE:	OH MY GOD, WHAT'S THAT?A  . --------------, NEXT WEEK:  REVENGE OF THE BAKER-MAN, PART 2  B  DC ROMANA 'N DAVE: A Doctor Who Spinoff Satire Hypothetically Starring / Lalla Ward and David Letterman -- by Tom GoldenM  E- EPISODE #6:  REVENGE OF THE BAKER-MAN, PART 2   AD OUR STORY SO FAR:  Romana 'n Dave, still on a quest to locate DwayneE T. Schneider, the Locksmith Guardian, who can unlock the Key to Time,GA find themselves in the Death Zone on Gallifrey -- placed there byOE a vengeful COLIN BAKER (as himself).  Meanwhile, Colin's agent, Barry F Eczema (played by PAUL DARROW, Avon on Blakes Seven), has subliminallyE planted the idea of replacing Romana 'n Dave with Colin in the show's G producer's mind. In the meantime,  Romana 'n Dave have just encountered  a cliffhanger...    SCENE 1: THE DEATH ZONEn  l DAVE:	OH MY GOD, WHAT'S THAT?e  mD ROMANA:	Hmmm...why would anyone put up such a large billboard in the: 	middle of nowhere saying 'Oh my God, what's that?' in big 	capital letters?n  rB DAVE:	Looks like we've lost the charge of the Cher brigade.  Let's 	rest for a moment.e    ROMANA:	I couldn't agree more.   G SUDDENLY, A SMALL MECHANICAL PINK RABBIT PLAYING A BASS DRUM ROLLS PAST 	 R 'N D...   uA ANNOUNCER: The ENERGIZER from Eveready just keeps going on and onk 	and on and on...b   4 DAVE:	I'll just pretend I didn't see that if you do.  n ROMANA:	Sounds fine to me.  h: A LARGE GEEKY AUSTRAILIAN GUY WIELDING A MALLET RUNS BY...  ,> JACKO:	Oi!  Where's the bleedin' pink rabbit wot stole my gig?  . ROMANA:	He went that way.i  iC JACKO:	Thanks, sheila. OI! Energizer...I'm comin' to surPRIZE yer'!i  DB ROMANA: Now I know why this place is the Zone of Death...the jokes 	alone are lethal.   C DAVE:	Hey, you made a funny!  Hee hee hee hee hee hee -- Paul, whata 	did you think of that?R  BA PAUL:	(From behind a rock) Great, Dave, she made a funny. (Sings)AB 	Romana-dvor-a-TREE-LOOOOOOOOOON-DARRR, she's a TIME-BAAAAAB-EEEE,: 	and she MAAAAAAADDDDEEEE a FUNNNNN---EEEEE,  a really big, 	JOKE for DAAAAAAVE! (Pops back behind rock)  R DAVE:	Thanks, Paul.N  GJ SCENE 2:  BBC CONFERENCE ROOM -- R 'N D'S PRODUCER ('BOSS'), STILL BEARDED1 AND WITH HAWAIIAN SHIRT, AND HAL GURNEE ARE ALONE   EC BOSS:	Well, the powers that be rejected my idea to pair Kate O'MaraW( 	and Joan Collins as 'The Two Rani's'...  SF HAL:	And K-9's been put out to stud -- producing Poquet PC's, I think.   B BOSS:	Looks like we don't have an alternative...Get Colin and call> 	Joan Rivers' agent.  'Colin 'n Joan' -- too much acid for one/ 	show, but if they liked Morton Downey Jr., ...   W! HAL:	Morton Downey's available...     BOSS:	Morton who?R   > HAL:	Ummm...Shouldn't we at least try to find Romana and Dave?   E BOSS:	There is no question that the BBC are trying to find Romana and > 	Dave. (Smiles)  You are aware that, cost increases being whatC 	they are, a new program would have a bigger budget... and a higherf 	salary for you as well.   1 HAL:	I like the way you put that.  Yes, minister.   w SCENE 3:  THE DEATH ZONE   C ROMANA:	We must make our way to the Dark Tower -- it's our only waya
 	out of this.i  oC DAVE:	Or we could make like Michael Landon and build a little housek= 	here, a little picket fence and 2 kids each with 1.5 hearts.o@ 	C'mon Romana, what do you say...you and me?  Hee hee hee hee...  G$ ROMANA:	You're not serious, are you?  IA DAVE:	Oh, LIGHTEN UP, Time-babe!  Hey, I have an idea...why don'tO, 	we just travel to the Tower in your Tardis?  e? ROMANA:	David, some times you actually make up for being such a   	randy and cretinous little sod.  h8 DAVE:	I'll take that as a compliment.  Care for a cigar?  p5 ROMANA:	Don't press your luck.  Back to the Tardis...   i SCENE 4:  THE TIME SCOOP ROOM    C COLIN IS VIEWING R 'N D ON ONE VIEWSCREEN AND TALKING WITH BARRY ONE	 THE OTHERP  .* COLIN:	So, have they made me an offer yet?   F BARRY:	They are more than amenable to any reasonable offer I may make.= 	Colin, my man, you shall have your revenge.  You will be theI@ 	star of a joint American and British television show which will& 	be a milestone in television history.  I COLIN:	Dempsey and Makepeace?B  eC BARRY:	No, not THAT milestone...a NEW program, tailored to your ownL 	unique talents.  uC COLIN:	Good, good.  Everything is going according to schedule.  Did 1 	you manage to get Morgan Fairchild as my costar?.  nB BARRY:	Aaaah, no.  But your co-star is every bit as provocative in
 	her own way.E  N COLIN:	Yes, well, who is it?  : BARRY:	Joan Rivers.l   ! COLIN:	Joan Rivers...Can we talk?M    BARRY:	One and the same.  UD COLIN PULLS THE RED LEVER.  BARRY DISAPPEARS FROM THE VIEWSCREEN ANDG APPEARS IN THE DEATH ZONE.  HE IS KILLED BY A MOB OF UNEMPLOYED ACTORS.I  D* COLIN:	Ahh, well, time to get a new agent.    --------------, NEXT WEEK:  REVENGE OF THE BAKER-MAN, PART 3  V  WC ROMANA 'N DAVE: A Doctor Who Spinoff Satire Hypothetically StarringE/ Lalla Ward and David Letterman -- by Tom GoldenS  Y- EPISODE #7:  REVENGE OF THE BAKER-MAN, PART 3C  !D OUR STORY SO FAR:  Romana 'n Dave, still on a quest to locate DwayneE T. Schneider, the Locksmith Guardian, who can unlock the Key to Time, A find themselves in the Death Zone on Gallifrey -- placed there byTE a vengeful COLIN BAKER (as himself).  Meanwhile, Colin's agent, BarryN@ Eczema, having not met Colin's expectations for a co-star in hisE proposed replacement series, found himself transported into the DeathY6 Zone and quickly killed by a mob of unemployed actors.  U  -K SCENE 1:  R 'N D PRODUCER'S OFFICE -- THE BEARDED, HAWAIIAN-SHIRTED 'BOSS',E1 SEATED, IS TALKING TO HAL GURNEE, THE DIRECTOR...e  aI BOSS:	I'm afraid there's still no word on Romana *or* Dave, and I haven'tk) 	been able to reach Barry Eczema, either.   dG HAL:	OK, thanks, boss.  By the way, would you like to contribute to theg 	Romana 'n Dave Search Fund?  e) BOSS:	No thank you, I gave at the office.   i$ HAL:	Oh...OK (trudges out of office)  oE BOSS:	(To himself)  Well, not a bad day's work...Romana and LettermanaC 	trapped in the Death Zone...Colin forced to star with someone event= 	more obnoxious than himself and soon to be caught red-handedAF 	using the Time Scoop...who knows what happened to Eczema -- somethingB 	quite rash, I expect -- ha ha ha ha.  It seems my plan is exactlyB 	on schedule.  I think it's about time I paid a visit to a certain" 	subterranean room on Gallifrey...  AF THE BOSS PULLS OUT A WHISTLE, BLOWS IT AND SUDDENLY, OUT OF NOWHERE, AH SEVEN-FOOT GONG WITH THE WORDS 'THE GONG SHOW' STENCILLED ON IT APPEARS.   H BOSS:	It really *does* blend in with the surroundings!  Hmmm...I...am...C 	the...PRODUCER...and...you...will...o-BEY...ME!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA 	 	HA HA...   sH THE BOSS STEPS BEHIND THE GONG, AND WITH A TARDIS-LIKE RUSH OF WIND, THE GONG DISAPPEARS.  O SCENE 2:  THE TIME-SCOOP ROOM   WE ROMANA'S TARDIS APPEARS SUDDENLY.  ROMANA AND DAVE STUMBLE OUT OF THE  TARDIS   H DAVE:	Y'know, Romana, we've got to stop stumbling out of the Tardis like 	this...  e ROMANA:	Doctor?u  p: COLIN:	I'm not the Doctor, but I played one on television.  uE DAVE:	My oh my, we're filming a pain reliever commercial and I didn'te< 	even know about it.  Wake the kids and phone the neighbors.  t, COLIN:	Sorry David, no commercial this time.  vF DAVE:	So you're the 'J.R.' of the U.K.   So, be evil for the audience.  .3 COLIN:	All right, I shall kill you where you stand.    H DAVE:	Not THAT evil -- just *regular* evil.  Steal a purse or something.   I COLIN:	I didn't *think* you had the stomach.  (To Romana) Look, I'm sorryO@ 	for bringing you here -- it's just that this was the only way I  	could get the Beeb's attention.  e6 ROMANA:	And why did you want the attention of the BBC?   L COLIN:	Becuase they fired me, even though it wasn't *my* fault.  The scriptsC 	I was handed were utter rubbish!  I swear the producer was settingAB 	me up!  I mean, what kind of mind would consider an ugly close upD 	of me shrieking 'Peri!' an appropriate cliffhanger in my very first 	serial?  HG SUDDENLY A LARGE GONG APPEARS AND THE PRODUCER COMES OUT FROM BEHIND ITI   F BOSS:	Surely you jest, Colin.  Your acting skills are as sophisticated= 	as Benny Hill, and about as subtle, too.  You are a dreadfulr. 	thespian, and everyone in this room knows it.  sH COLIN:	Hmmm...you LOOK like the producer I remember, but you don't quite> 	SOUND or ACT like him.  You are simply too straightforward in? 	expressing yourself.  Just WHO are you?  Producers can't pilot: 	a Tardis by themselves...    BOSS:	Quite right.  ,D THE BOSS REMOVES HIS DISGUISE, REVEALING HIMSELF TO BE...THE MASTER!K (Played by Anthony Ainley, of course).  HE PULLS OUT HIS TISSUE COMPRESSIONg& ELIMINATOR AND POINTS IT AT OUR HEROES  kG MASTER:	I...am...the...PRODUCER...and...you...will...obey ME.  Everyone = 	into my Tardis.  We have a little errand to run.  Rassilon'sl 	tomb, all aboard!  eC DAVE:	This is getting too weird for me.  I should have attended theA
 	rehersal.  ?6 ROMANA, DAVE, COLIN AND THE MASTER ENTER HIS TARDIS...  y SCENE 3:  RASSILON'S TOMBt  aH THE GONG APPEARS.  ROMANA, DAVE, COLIN MARCH OUT FOLLOWED BY THE MASTER.   > COLIN:	I suppose it would be too much to ask why we're here...  lD MASTER:	Not at all, Doc...er, Colin.  You see, my special subject at> 	university was not Astrophysics or Temporal Mechanics, but --@ 	Comparative Drama and Acting.  You see, as a Time Lord, I could? 	have as many as 13 definitive performances of Hamlet.  Quite ai@ 	challenge -- not like this grotty temporal travelling business.  aF SUDDENLY, A LARGE SOFT DRINK VENDING MACHINE APPEARS...THE SIGN ON THEF FRONT READS 'DOCTOR WHO COLA -- THE TASTE OF A NEW REGENERATION'.  THE% FRONT OF THE VENDING MACHINE OPENS...f  e ------------------, NEXT TIME:  REVENGE OF THE BAKER-MAN, PART 4      D ]ROMANA 'N DAVE: A Doctor Who Spinoff Satire Hypothetically Starring/ Lalla Ward and David Letterman -- by Tom Golden   A- EPISODE #8:  REVENGE OF THE BAKER-MAN, PART 4i   D OUR STORY SO FAR:  Romana 'n Dave, still on a quest to locate DwayneE T. Schneider, the Locksmith Guardian, who can unlock the Key to Time,HA find themselves in the Death Zone on Gallifrey -- placed there byGA a vengeful COLIN BAKER (as himself).  The Master, masquerading asOE Romana 'n Dave's producer, kidnaps R 'n D and Colin and takes them to E Rassilon's Tomb in his Tardis (shaped like a large 'Gong Show' gong).L  A SCENE 1:  RASSILON'S TOMBO  GH THE GONG APPEARS.  ROMANA, DAVE, COLIN MARCH OUT FOLLOWED BY THE MASTER.  tG ROMANA:	Do you feel a sense of fear in here -- like we should all leave.	 	at once?-  -K DAVE:	Hey, I feel that every night, but I do my show anyway. Hee hee hee --T  a> COLIN:	I suppose it would be too much to ask why we're here...  VD MASTER:	Not at all, Doc...er, Colin.  You see, my special subject at> 	university was not Astrophysics or Temporal Mechanics, but --@ 	Comparative Drama and Acting.  You see, as a Time Lord, I could? 	have as many as 13 definitive performances of Hamlet.  Quite ao@ 	challenge -- not like this grotty temporal travelling business.   F SUDDENLY, A LARGE SOFT DRINK VENDING MACHINE APPEARS...THE SIGN ON THEF FRONT READS 'DOCTOR WHO COLA -- THE TASTE OF A NEW REGENERATION'.  THED FRONT OF THE VENDING MACHINE OPENS...AND OUT WALKS 'MASTER THESPIAN' (Played by Jon Lovitz)!L  D( MASTER:	Thespian!  How did you get here?  S THESP:	ACTING --  EH MASTER:	(Annoyed) Thank you.  Get over there or I'll destroy you with myE 	Tissue Compression Eliminator -- and your ego will be shrunk down toG 	mere life size.  EB THESP:	Ooohhh, to be struck down in my attempt to rescue my fellow> 	thespian...Colin, my dear boy, how do you do?  Have you heard- 	from my other pupil, Schwarzenegger, lately?y  aI COLIN:	Arnold is doing quite well these days.  As for me, (Scratches backtC 	of head) rather badly, Master Thespian.  I thought I had gotten myv$ 	revenge, only to find that I was --  n THESP:	Acting?  a@ COLIN:	No -- not acting, but a pawn in a much more devious game.  iD MASTER:	Pardon me, but I have the weapon and I believe it is my turnD 	to speak.  Anyway, as I was saying, my major at university involved: 	acting.  Science was always just a hobby of mine.  A most> 	profitable one, I might add.  So you see, when you became the= 	Doctor, you became my arch enemy -- a universe with a Doctor @ 	who is more of a ham than I am and can upstage me does not bearB 	thinking about.  With the show potentially to go into independentA 	production, and the possibility that you may once again have theh? 	slightest chance of playing the Doctor, I had to do something.e@ 	In addition, these two (points to R 'n D) have spoilt my chance@ 	to have my own show -- I've been negotiating with 'Mr. Mike' --C 	you know, the American who did the imitations of famous people who < 	had long steel needles poked into their eyes some time ago?< 	'Mr. Mike 'n The Master' -- a trip into the sadomasochistic? 	and merely painful...no moral, just random acts of meaningless-1 	violence'...a humorous show trully befitting me.e  !7 COLIN:	So we know why you are insane.  Why are we here?m  eD DAVE:	Y'know, I was just thinking that myself, although I don't seemA 	to have any more lines in this scene, although Paul does.  Paul?l  rB PAUL:	(Pops up from behind tomb)  Yeah, Dave doesn't have any more! 	lines in this scene. (Pops back)y  sB MASTER:	I am here to ask Rassilon, King of the Time Lords, for the; 	Secret to Eternally High Ratings.  Unlike the lady here, I	> 	can't just regenerate when the ratings go down.  And I needed@ 	your help to get here.  You see, my Tardis has been fitted with< 	a large and rather cumbersome plot device which prevents me 	from getting here by myself.c  eG SUDDENLY, THE REAL PRODUCER (Cameo John Nathan-Turner) STEPS OUT OF THEa VENDING MACHINE...  -' JNT:	You'll need a producer, won't you?   k MASTER:	Oh NO, it's YOU!   E JNT:	Yes, it's me.  I think it's time you met with a rather ugly end.t 	I'm going to...    MASTER:	No...NO...NOOOOOO!  ,( JNT:	have you written out of the script.   5 MASTER:	NOOOOOOO!   (Vanishes in a puff of white-out)	  e0 JNT:	(To Thespian) You look hurt.  Are you well?  s$ THESP:	Oh, I was ACTING...THNKYUUUU!  :G COLIN:	John, I was wondering...how did you come to meet Thespian, here?   ND JNT:	Well, you see, from your perspective I'm actually a future JNT,> 	and future-Jon Lovitz here is the 9th Doctor -- we decided he< 	should play the Doctor as 'Master Thespian'.  We did try to/ 	have him play it as 'The Pathological Liar'...    C THESP:	(In Pathological Liar voice) but the scarf got in the way...o= 	yeahhhh, that's the ticket...I kept tripping over the scarf.Y   C JNT:	I had to save you so Romana 'n Dave could continue and I couldA> 	collect enough money to buy the rights to 'Doctor Who'.  Pity= 	about Sylvester, but I hear that he and the ferret are quitea< 	happy and the crash-helmet and multiple bungee cords do not  	interfere with normal movement.  tD COLIN:	I'm glad that you lot are all sorted out...but what about me?  aA JNT:	I could try to get you a guest shot on one of those Americana< 	baldness-cure shows -- you know, 'COLIN BAKER DISCOVERS...'    COLIN:	I'll take it!   8 JNT:	(to himself) (Sigh) I bet he plays in traffic, too.  nH SUDDENLY, A LOUD THUNDEROUS NOISE EMANATES FROM THE BOWELS OF THE TOWER.E THE IMAGE OF RASSILON (played by JOHN LAROQUETTE) APPEARS BEFORE THEM    F RASS:	I am Rassilon, Lord of Time.  You have invaded my resting place.@ 	State your business, and if there are any females present, take! 	off your clothes.  Just kidding!b  dD DAVE:	Thank God you're NOT Chris Elliott!  We were brought here by a@ 	weasel called The Master.  He wanted you to give him the secret 	to Eternally High Ratings.e  IF ROMANA:	All we want is to go in peace -- back to our own time streams.  uB RASS:	The Death Zone is littered with the bones of people who want= 	high ratings.  CBS is littered too, these days.  Do you want, 	the secret for yourself?t   D ROMANA, DAVE, COLIN, JNT AND THESPIAN SUDDENLY SPOT A PILLAR OF SALTC SHAPED LIKE JACKIE MASON IN THE BACKGROUND.  THEY SHAKE THEIR HEADS	
 AND SAY 'NO'.    C RASS:	You have made a wise decision.  Very well, you may leave withH> 	my blessing.  (Spots Romana)  Or, you could stay a while.  It@ 	has been a loooooong time since I've had any visitors, and even@ 	a Time Lord has needs.  Tell you what...Let's go downstairs and0 	you can watch me mud-wrestle a female Sontaran.   D ROMANA:	(Puzzled) Sontarans aren't male or female -- they're cloned.  e9 RASS:	(Classic deadpan take at Romana) What's your point?K  t# ROMANA:	Ahhhummmm...We must be off.h  nE COLIN:	I expect Zamfir will be starting into his repertoire of Marvin. 	Hamlisch by now...a  t! RASS:	Awww, I never have any fun.R  ,6 THESP:	Yes you can -- Let me tell you about -- ACTING!  o
 RASS:	Acting?a  'B THESP:	THNKYU!  If I can train Olivier, Barrymore, Burton...and...: 	SCHWARZENEGGER...I can teach even an omnipotent Time Lord8 	such as yourself, the joys of the stage.  Lesson One --; 	(clutches at chest)  I'm DYING!  I can't breathe!  My life @ 	is flashing before me...Ohhhh, the paaaainnnn, the paaaainnn...    RASS:	I'll save you!  n THESP:	Not necessary -- ACTING!    
 RASS:	Acting?h  b THESP:	THNKYU!  sA COLIN ENTERS THE MASTER'S TARDIS -- AND WE HEAR HIM CONVERSE WITH # ANOTHER SURPRISE GUEST INSIDE...(*)G  B@ COLIN:	(Voice from within Tardis) Frobisher, is that really you?  v> VOICE:	No -- my name's Opus.  Can you take me to Bloom County?  'D (*) - This reference is possibly the most obscure I have yet made --; the explanation is contained at the end of this episode -TGU  BH ROMANA 'N DAVE ENTER HER TARDIS AND LEAVE JNT AND THESPIAN WITH RASSILON    SCENE 2:  BACK IN THE TARDIS  AB DAVE:	Y'know, Romana, I hope that when our time comes to walk awayA 	from this and into the TV Trivia Encyclopedias across the world,k0 	we leave with more dignity than that Colin guy.  nD ROMANA:	David, Colin didn't deserve what happened to him, good actorB 	or bad.  As long as there are bureaucrats who are more interestedB 	in putting their own stamp on BBC programming than preserving andC 	protecting the rich treasures the BBC has brought to Earth, actors A 	will continue to find themselves in Colin's situation.  Besides,GB 	a show like ours can be easily recast, and is therefore much like? 	a vampire -- actors die, but the show goes on and on and on...   SG ANNOUNCER:  Yes, Romana 'n Dave just keep going on and on and on and ona 	and on and on...w  a; JACKO:	(On viewscreen) Oi?  Are you pullin' me leg, sheila?g  q' DAVE:	Now that HAS to be Chris Elliott!w  o --------------------" ROMANA 'N DAVE WILL RETURN SOON...  gC EXPLANATION:  Frobisher is the name of a penguin-like character whokF appeared with Colin Baker's Doctor in the comic book serials appearing. in DOCTOR WHO Magazine a couple of years back.     sJ R O M A N A   ' N   D A V E    A Doctor Who Spinoff Satire, HypotheticallyF ---------------------------    Starring Lalla Ward and David Letterman4 No. 9                          Written by Tom Golden  v   -                            AQUA-VALVA, Part 1   wD OUR STORY SO FAR:  Romana 'n Dave, still on a quest to locate DwayneE T. Schneider, the Locksmith Guardian, who can unlock the Key to Time,rG have managed to defeat the Master and thwart a futile attempt by Colin iI Baker to stage a comeback.  After being saved by JN-T and Master ThespiankD (you had to read it, folks), our heroes finally manage to make it to@ Indianapolis on Earth to locate Schneider...but he's not home...   I SCENE 1:  INSIDE THE LOBBY OF A LOS ANGELES SKYSCRAPER -- THE RECENT PASTt  aJ ROMANA and DAVE exit her fire-hydrant Tardis and walk into the vast lobby.  k? ROMANA  	David, do stick close -- the decor in this place looksE  		like the tomb of the Cybermen.  r= DAVE 		Aw, Romana, this is the way a lot of skyscrapers look. 9 		Just think how many chromes had to be cut down to buildS 		this place...hee hee hee.R   $ ROMANA		Are chromes native to Earth?  .< DAVE		Oh, I forgot, you aren't from around here, are you.  I9 		made a funny.  Y'see, chrome is metal and its component 9 		parts are mined... (getting irritated) oh, never mind. h   , ROMANA		But you said that they *were* mined?  s) DAVE		No -- 'Never mind' as in forget it.o  i< ROMANA		Ah, I see.  Well, we had better look for a reputable6 		investigative agency to assist us in locating Mister: 		Dwayne T. Schneider, hadn't we.  After all, I don't have; 		a Schneider locator device which I could easily plug intor6 		the console.  Hmmmm...here are some...fascinating...9 		hieroglyphs which indicate...the...angularity of man...O6 		and the... suppleness of woman.  Quite simplistic...< 		elegant... and *recent*.  David, I thought people of this * 		period wrote using groups of characters?  AA DAVE		Hey, Time-Lady Leakey -- you're reading the bathroom doors.I: 		For somebody as smart as you are, you are terribly naive 		sometimes.  And nosy, too.  -
 ROMANA		Nosy?T  E> DAVE		Aggressively nquiring into other people's business.  Or,5 		as they say in Indiana, bidness.  When we landed inl5 		Indianapolis and found that Schneider wasn't there,D= 		you found and read the note he left for one of the tenants.   m% ROMANA		But it was addressed to *me*.   y: DAVE		No ma'am.  It was addressed to Miz Romano -- NOT Miz	 		Romana.e   > ROMANA		Well, it's just one character off...he could have been6 		sending me a secret signal for all your limited mind 		could comprehend.c  a@ DAVE		Babe, you've been doing this too long.  You need to relax.= 		Let's hang around here for a while, have a couple of beers,Y7 		get tanked and watch some ESPN at my house in Malibu?    > ROMANA		Thank you, but I tasted one of your 'beers' before.  I? 		will never understand why, if you desire to medicate yourself.9 		by ingesting alcohol, why you dilute it with such vile r 		grain flavorings?k  b@ DAVE		Because we received the secret and holy instructions from . 		Spuds McKenzie, that's why...hee hee hee hee  g; ROMANA		I suppose this McKenzie fellow is some cult leader?e    DAVE		Nope -- he's a dog..  (5 ROMANA		Oh, there you go anthropromorphosizing again.o   < DAVE		Well excuse me -- I'll just wipe it up. Hee hee hee...  e@ ROMANA		Why don't you and your primitive humor stay here while I: 		go upstairs and find an investigator without embarassing	 		myself.n    DAVE		Aw, don't go away mad.  iE ROMANA		No -- I shall just go away.  You are the mad one around here. 9 		Ohh!  I can *never* remember how to operate these lift c 		chambers!e  n; DAVE		You push the 'UP' button, right...there.  (Pushes it)L   1 ROMANA		(Looks at Dave warmly)  Thank you, David.   H, DAVE		Hey...you can push my buttons anytime.  RB ROMANA		(Waxing cold again) Cretinous git!  (Elevator doors close)  I/ DAVE		She's crazy about me.  Hee hee hee hee...B  .M DAVE mills around the lobby, checking out the paintings and tenant directory.I0 He looks around and notices something strange...   < DAVE		Y'know, this place is awfully quiet for lunchtime on a? 		weekday.  In fact, there's nobody around at all.  I wonder...E; 		(Checks the front doors) Locked!  This must be a weekend.i= 		We landed a few days too early!  I better go find Romana...D  o4 Suddenly, ROMANA bursts out of the women's restroom.  e9 ROMANA		David -- what are you doing on the twelfth floor?   w: DAVE		I'm not on the twelfth floor -- you're in the lobby.  S8 ROMANA		Wait -- come here, with me, into the bathroom --   @ DAVE		Are you serious?  *NO*  I don't go into women's bathrooms.9 		Well, actually, I did once, but just to see what was inH< 		there.  Lots of vending machines and stuff.  And *chairs*!   % ROMANA		Shut up and come in here NOW!m  ." DAVE		(Reluctantly) Yes, mother...  i SCENE 2: THE BATHROOMj    DAVE		Ok, where are the chairs?u  g( ROMANA		Sshhh!  Now, out the door again.   < DAVE		But I'm just beginning to *like* being in here...Whoa!  i0 DAVE looks outside the bathroom and discovers...  s SCENE 3:  THE TWELFTH FLOORb  h DAVE		Beam me up, Scotty!   t1 ROMANA		Wrong show...it's actually 'Put me down'.i   0 DAVE		OK, you're short and your hair is stringy.  i; ROMANA		No, no, no, you don't understand -- oh, never mind.R  G= DAVE		(In his pettiest voice) Oh, so chrome is 'never mined'?S  u5 ROMANA		Shut up, or I'll use the Master's TCE on you.t  t; DAVE		Suits me fine -- I'll be just the right size to knockd: 		Ken's block off and show Barbie a really good time...hee8 		hee hee -- Hey, Barbie -- once you've had a man who is< 		fully functional AND flexible at *all* the joints, you'll  		never go back to plastic!o  e@ ROMANA		Look at this...a directory of the tenants on this floor.  e5 DAVE		I just noticed the name of this building...it'sD9 		AQUA-VALVA.  That's an odd name for a building.  Didn'tA9 		some artist, Esso or Exxon or something, didn't he drawS8 		a picture of a bottle of after shave that empties into	 		itself?e  PA ROMANA		You're right.  This place may be named AQUA-VALVA because 9 		it is a recursive space...Quick, back into the bathroomo. 		and the Tardis!  It may be our only way out!  I+ DAVE		(Turns around)  Where's the bathroom?O  A
 ROMANA		Gone!N  HD DAVE		They're never around when you need them.  And I gotta go, too.  G? ROMANA		Well, if we can't go back, we'll just have to press on. < 		Let's check the first detective agency while we're here...  .= SCENE 4:  IN FRONT OF THE 'REMINGTON STEELE' DETECTIVE AGENCY   jE TOM BAKER, striding quickly down the hall, suddenly stops, recognizes ; Romana and smiles warmly...  {OBSCURITY ALERT -- see below}u   > TOM		Romana?  Is that you?  Who is that chap you're with?  Me?  c, ROMANA		No -- this is David.  David, meet --  i< TOM		Quite.  (Grabs Dave's hands with both of his and shakes= 		Dave forcefully)  Glad to meet you.  Any friend of Romana's 9 		is a stranger to me.  (To Romana) What brings you here?C  E@ ROMANA		We're looking for a detective agency to help us find the0 		Locksmith Guardian and unlock the Key to Time.   = TOM		Well, it seems the White Guardian thinks quite highly oft7 		you -- to use you twice in one lifetime.  As for that : 		detective agency (smiles) you could do worse.  But don't7 		tell them that I was here or that I recommended them.m; 		By the way, if you see a tall blond fellow, calls himselfe8 		Julian Glover -- mad as a hatter -- thinks I've killed> 		some people.  I wonder if he isn't some errant manifestation9 		of Scaroth, last of the Jaggaroth.  Anywy, you've nevere+ 		seen me (puts finger to his nose), right?a    ROMANA		Right.  Good bye!n  L TOM		Good bye!  (Exits quickly)    > DAVE		Now there's a candidate to play Charlie Manson if ever I
 		saw one!  O? ROMANA		Nonsense...he's as gentle as a lamb!  Right.  Let's go e	 		inside.n  -@ DAVE		Or more like an evil sheep.  OK, after you -- I just hope $ 		it's a men's bathroom, that's all.   C They open the door -- a man and woman can be heard to be arguing...o  .; LAURA		Steele, if you don't tell me your REAL FREAKING NAMEo6 		this INSTANT, I'm going to DROP you WHERE YOU STAND!  D> STEELE		But Miss Holt, you must understand, I have many names,5 		many places...Laura, put that gun away...I know youc, 		are a trained shot...Laura, be reasonable!  i LAURA		Coward!  U BANG!  CRUMPLE-THUD!  K= LAURA		Oh my GAHD, Mistah Steele -- I didn't know the gun was : 		*loaded*! (sob)  Oh no, please God, don't let him die...  E; STEELE		Where's that grace under pressure you're known for?a6 		I think I'll be quite fine, Miss Holt.  While I have5 		lost one from your bullet, I do still have another. 8 		But, just to be safe, I think would be appropriate at & 		this moment to call me an ambulance.  o3 DAVE		(Whispering to Romana) OK, he's an ambulance.:  o ROMANA		Sshhh!  o8 DAVE		OK, so this is the past...so can we interfere now?  e ROMANA		Be *quiet*!?  a LAURA		The phone's dead!  p= STEELE		...and a tourniquet doesn't even bear thinking about.e6 		Why don't you get the first aid kit and I'll bandage 		myself up as best I can.  . ROMANA		Ahem...Excuse me...   v; STEELE		Ah, good morning to you.  Remington Steele, at yourI5 		service -- and allow me to introduce my trusted, ifg) 		a bit excitable, assistant, Laura Holt.   p; DAVE		(To himself)  I'm in couch potato heaven, that's whats; 		it is...hee hee hee...wake the kids, phone the neighbors, 7 		and flood the net with urgent E-mail!  Hee hee hee...m  t -------------------- NEXT TIME:  AQUA-VALVA, Part 2  mG {OBSCURITY ALERT -- Tom Baker (Doctor #4) and Julian Glover (Scaroth inII 'City of Death') appeared in a Remington Steele episode.  Baker played ant4 insane villain and Glover was his Interpol pursuer.}  F PS: 'Reader Mail' to Dave will not be written at this time, due to theF extremely poor response (less than 5).  Thanks to those of you who didE send Dave some 'Reader Mail' -- he hypothetically appreciates it. -TGt  K PPS:  These episodes are being sent to Usenet via my account on The WELL --sG due to a problem with my account on PORTAL which is being investigated.?N However, I would be most appreciative if you would direct comments, questions,L suggestions, requests to me on PORTAL -- 'tgolden@cup.portal.com'  Thanks-TG  J R O M A N A   ' N   D A V E    A Doctor Who Spinoff Satire, HypotheticallyF ---------------------------    Starring Lalla Ward and David Letterman4 No. 10                         Written by Tom Golden     l-                            AQUA-VALVA, Part 2t  )D OUR STORY SO FAR:  Romana 'n Dave, still on a quest to locate DwayneE T. Schneider, the Locksmith Guardian, who can unlock the Key to Time,eG find themselves trapped in a Los Angeles skyscraper apparently designedsH by a fan of M. C. Escher -- bathrooms lead to different floors and thereB is no way out.  Even worse, the skyscraper seems to be filled withF TV detective agencies, and the first one our heros stumble upon is the Remington Steele agency...   / SCENE 1:  THE REMINGTON STEELE DETECTIVE AGENCYD    ROMANA		Ahem...Excuse me...e  aA STEELE		(Gets up off the floor with great difficulty.  His pants  > 		are stained with blood) Ah, good morning to you.  Remington : 		Steele, at your service -- and allow me to introduce my 5 		trusted, if a bit excitable, assistant, Laura Holt.   V; DAVE		(To himself)  I'm in couch potato heaven, that's whatl; 		it is...hee hee hee...wake the kids, phone the neighbors,U7 		and flood the net with urgent E-mail!  Hee hee hee...   m@ ROMANA		How do you do.  I am known as Romana, and this fellow is 		my companion David.   ,- DAVE		Hi...Grotesquely nice to meet you both.   w LAURA		What can we do for you?  o? ROMANA		Well, we were going to ask you to assist us in locating 9 		someone, but we'd be quite content if you could help usi 		get to the lobby.   tA STEELE		Well, my dear, that would be quite simple.  You just heads; 		into my office, out Miss Holt's office, into the bathroomn< 		and out the third stall, and you are...hmmm...that doesn't= 		make any sense.  I know that's how you get out, but it justt 		sounds...   t
 DAVE		Stupid?t  c STEELE		No...just odd.  nD ROMANA		Since you inhabit this building, you probably aren't capable* 		of perceiving its dimensional anomalies.  o? DAVE		No they aren't!  The anomalies are over in the fish tank,o 		there!  Hee hee hee...  s= ROMANA		David, I know it taxes you, but do try to be serious.a  i# DAVE		(Condescending) Sorry, mommy.t   K Suddenly, two British thugs burst into the office.  They pull machine guns H# on our heroes and the detectives...R  I? THUG #1		OI!  You, tall bloke!  Where'd you hide the paintings?   R7 DAVE		Oh damn, it's the Warhol police!  Hee hee hee hee.  S3 THUG #2		Oi! Not you, Yank!  You -- the pretty one!e   = DAVE		Well, thanks *a lot*!  A guy exercises, eats right and,o1 		still, it's *just not enough* to get noticed!     a@ LAURA		Paintings?  We don't know anything about any paintings --  rA THUG #1		Shut yer gob, lady.  You, pretty boy, tell 'em about theb< 		painting you had us steal -- only to squeal on us and take 		the goods for yourself...    C STEELE		(Nervous) I'm sure I've never met either of you.  Why don't 8 		you put the guns down and let's talk...like *rational* 		people --U  NC THUG #2		I'm tired of listening to you, you slimy weasel.  Get 'im!   EB The thugs rush toward Steele in an attempt to thrash him severely.  c# LAURA		(Rushes to help him) Steele!H  m> DAVE		I think this is where we came in...why don't we head for) 		the big guy's office and out of here...   i> ROMANA		Normally, I would accuse you of cowardice, but in this 		case, I'm right behind you.h   : PAUL		(Pops up from behind the desk, singing)  She's RIGHT? 		BEHINNNNNNND YOOOOOOOU,  DAAAAAAVE!  She's FOLLLLLLOOOOOOWINGd* 		YOU ALLLLLLLLL THEEEEEEEE WAAAAAAAAAAAY!   < THUG #1		OI, you! Shut yer singin' gob!  (Fires gun at Paul)  wC PAUL		You missed!  I'll see that you never work in this town again!  		(Pops behind desk)  aI Our heroes run into Steele's office and look for the door to Laura Holt'so	 office...i  a SCENE 2:  STEELE'S OFFICEc  tB ROMANA		(Opening closet)  The woman's office isn't through here...: 		David, what would a Terran male do with a closet full of4 		these garments? (Picks up an open box marked 'LACY 		PANTIES AND BRAS')  h; DAVE		(Searching through the office) What kind of garments?    $ ROMANA		The label says 'Maidenform'.  n< DAVE		Probably some kind of royalty for his commercial work.  :
 ROMANA		What?O   @ DAVE		Never mind.  Bring a couple of those garments over here --= 		No, no, no, just kidding!  Come over here...look at this...   d  ROMANA		Have you found the exit?  v> DAVE		No...I was just thinking how nice it would be to have a " 		bathroom like this in my office.  t% ROMANA		David...maybe it's a way out!   l> DAVE		(Confused, then faking) I knew that.  Let's go in, shall 		we?E  TH Our heroes enter the bathroom.  David plays with the faucets, and RomanaC slaps his hand.  The door opens, our heroes gasp...  DAVID ADDISON,oH fresh from a weekend binge (i.e. unshaven, sunglasses, boxer shorts withH hearts on them), stares at them for a moment, shuts the door, then opens it again...d  'B ADDISON		Whoa, folks, if ya wanta join the Mile-High club, ya need< 		to turn the 'Occupado' sign on, *capisce*?  Do I know you?< 		Did I know you?  (To Romana) In the Biblical sense?  Nope,: 		I guess not...you don't have the Addison trademark smile: 		on that kisser of yours.  Would you like to know me?  In< 		the Biblical sense?  (To Dave) I don't mind sharing if you= 		don't.  (Moans)  Look, kids, I don't want to keep you, but o= 		I feel a distinct need to worship the porcelain king...and n< 		unless you enjoy wearing a technicolor yawn, you'd better # 		step aside if you get my drift...l   ! DAVE		Romana, get out of his way.   C: ROMANA		But, I thought you said that they don't worship --  E DAVE		Move...NOW!X  NJ Our heroes step out of Addison's way.  He rushes into the bathroom, closes# it behind him, and we hear a flush.o  s; ROMANA		What exactly is the 'Porcelain King'?  I thought --c    Dave wispers in her ear...   = ROMANA		I see.  Well, that's what happens when one insists on- 		ingesting toxic substances.l  a> DAVE		Among other, more pleasurable sensations.  But I suppose4 		you'd rather regenerate than regurgitate.  Hee hee  V@ PAUL		(Pops up from behind Addison's desk, singing) REGENERATE, ; 		REGURGITATE,  Let's call the whole thing off! (Pops back   		behind desk)  t DAVE		Thanks, Paul.d   D Suddenly, a fist pounds on the door to Addison's office.  Addison is0 heard in the bathroom, moaning from the noise...  TB MADDIE		Da-VID!  I KNOW you're in there.  I want to TALK to you... 		NOW!   C DAVE		Uh-oh, it's the Cover Girl from Hell herself!  Quick, Romana, : 		hide, before she makes you feel inadequately dressed and 		coiffed...  aH Romana, taking him seriously, hides.  David, suddenly sensing that maybeC hiding might be a good idea under the circumstances, hides as well.kF A key is heard unlocking Addison's door...the door opens and a plunger) can be seen protruding into the office...i  h ROMANA		(Whispering) Daleks!  n DAVE		(Whispering) Plumbers!  e -------------------- NEXT TIME:  AQUA-VALVA, Part 3    J R O M A N A   ' N   D A V E    A Doctor Who Spinoff Satire, HypotheticallyF ---------------------------    Starring Lalla Ward and David Letterman4 No. 11                         Written by Tom Golden    -                            AQUA-VALVA, Part 3n  D OUR STORY SO FAR:  Romana 'n Dave, still on a quest to locate DwayneE T. Schneider, the Locksmith Guardian, who can unlock the Key to Time, G find themselves trapped in a Los Angeles skyscraper apparently designed H by a fan of M. C. Escher -- bathrooms lead to different floors and thereB is no way out.  Even worse, the skyscraper seems to be filled withA TV detective agencies.  Our heroes, having just escaped a violentl@ thrashing in the Remington Steele agency, find themselves now in9 David Addison's office in the Blue Moon detective agency.	  8 SCENE 1:  BLUE MOON DETECTIVE AGENCY -- ADDISON'S OFFICE  I A fist pounds on the door to Addison's office.  Addison, in the bathroom,nG throwing up, reacts to the noise by moaning after each set of pounds...h  B MADDIE		Da-VID!  I KNOW you're in there.  I want to TALK to you... 		NOW!  C DAVE		Uh-oh, it's the Cover Girl from Hell herself!  Quick, Romana,n: 		hide, before she makes you feel inadequately dressed and 		coiffed...  H Romana, taking him seriously, hides.  David, suddenly sensing that maybeC hiding might be a good idea under the circumstances, hides as well..F A key is heard unlocking Addison's door...the door opens and a plunger) can be seen protruding into the office...    ROMANA		(Whispering) Daleks!   DAVE		(Whispering) Plumbers!  E Suddenly, Maddie Hayes bursts into the office, brandishing a plunger.t  C MADDIE		Da-VID!  Do you know what I spent this morning doing, whilee= 		YOU were still sleeping off your little weekend escapade?  i; 		I was UNCLOGGING your TOILET, that's what!  I don't even h; 		want to TALK about what came back up when I plunged, but A= 		LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, MISTER -- YOU THROW THEM AWAY --  		YOU DON'T FLUSH THEM!w  % Addison staggers out of the bathroom.s  ? ADDISON		But I like flushing ping-pong balls down the toilet --s4 		it gives the Tidy-Bowl man something to play with!  4 MADDIE		OooooOOOOOOH!  Addison.  In my office.  NOW!  C ADDISON		Did you happen to see a couple wandering out of my office?h   MADDIE		A couple of what?u  2 ADDISON		A couple, a couple, like you and I ain't.   MADDIE		Oh, a couple --o   ADDISON		A couple --  E MADDIE		A couple.  No, I didn't see a couple come out of your office.h   ADDISON		You didn't, huh?w   MADDIE		I didn't.t   ADDISON		Sure?  
 MADDIE		Sure.h   ADDISOIN	Positive?   MADDIE		Positive.t   ADDISON		Fine.  
 MADDIE		Fine.l   ADDISON		Good.  
 MADDIE		Good.e  A ADDISON		I gotta stop drinking vodka with the worms in it.  Lemme ) 		put my pants on and I'll be right over.   < MADDIE		(Coldly) Don't forget to zip your fly.  (Slams door)  A ADDISON		(Moans) Ohhhh, I need enough hair of the dog to shave a  ; 		Labrador bald.  Ohhhhhhh.  (Puts on pants, leaves office)'  ? ROMANA		Whew! That was close.  I don't think I could have facedn 		Daleks after this lot.  C DAVE		I would have welcomed Daleks.  Nay, I would have *encouraged* : 		them -- at least it would have made some sense.  I mean,5 		there's something about this Aqua-Valva building...t  ) ROMANA		Oh... (Smiles broadly and laughs)a   DAVE		What?   / ROMANA		You made a joke -- and I understood it!e   DAVE		No I didn't.  ? ROMANA		Yes you did!  'There's something about this Aqua-Valva r 		building'!  Get it?o  = DAVE		Oh, God, we're in trouble now.  Romana, what do you sayu: 		we quietly sneak out of the office and present ourselves7 		to the receptionist?  Before more thugs break in and A! 		attempt to violently thrash us?    ROMANA		Good idea.  Let's.  % SCENE 2:  BLUE MOON AGENCY, MAIN AREA    Miss DIPESTO is on the phone...g  ? DIPESTO		No, that's not what 'Blue Moon' means.  It has nothingb; 		to do with cold weather.  Sorry. (Presses button)  Hello,i9 		Blue Moon Detective Agency -- We aim to please, our aim 8 		is true, we'll find anything you ask us to; our agents9 		are professional, our rates are reasonable, our...oops,s< 		I've worked myself into a corner...may I help you?  Hello?9 		Hello? (Hangs up)  Oh well.  (To our heroes) May I helpe 		you?   DAVE		You didn't rhyme.i   DIPESTO		What?  ? DAVE		Just now, when you were on the phone -- you couldn't finde: 		a rhyme.  In the *real* show, DiPesto was always able to 		come up with a rhyme.e    ROMANA		What are you getting at?  ? DAVE		Nothing...for now.  We would like to talk to your bosses.f& 		We want them to find someone for us.  ? DIPESTO		One moment.  (Picks up the phone and presses a button)o? 		Miss Hayes?   There's a couple to see you. (Pause)  A couple,f= 		like you and Mister Addison aren't.  (Pause)  Okay.  (Hangs = 		up the phone, talks to our heroes)  Miss Hayes will be withd> 		you in just a moment.  Can I bring you a cup of coffee while 		you're waiting?e  @ DAVE		(To himself)  Hmmmm...Romana gets my jokes, DiPesto can't 8 		always rhyme... Laura actually shoots Steele...and I'm> 		thinking seriously about our predicament.  This must be the > 		work of a truly evil mind...with a bad memory of TV shows...   -------------------- NEXT TIME:  AQUA-VALVA, Part 4    J R O M A N A   ' N   D A V E    A Doctor Who Spinoff Satire, HypotheticallyF ---------------------------    Starring Lalla Ward and David Letterman4 No. 12                         Written by Tom Golden    -                            AQUA-VALVA, Part 4h  D OUR STORY SO FAR:  Romana 'n Dave, still on a quest to locate DwayneE T. Schneider, the Locksmith Guardian, who can unlock the Key to Time,pG find themselves trapped in a Los Angeles skyscraper apparently designed H by a fan of M. C. Escher -- bathrooms lead to different floors and thereB is no way out.  Even worse, the skyscraper seems to be filled withF TV detective agencies.  Our heroes are waiting to see the proprietressE of the Blue Moon detective agency, but Dave has noted that reality isc not quite what it seems...  6 SCENE 1:  BLUE MOON DETECTIVE AGENCY -- RECEPTION AREA  I DAVE            (To himself)  Hmmmm...Romana gets my jokes, DiPesto can'tyF                 always rhyme... Laura actually shoots Steele...and I'mK                 thinking seriously about our predicament.  This must be thelL                 work of a truly evil mind...with a bad memory of TV shows...   SCENE 2: THE MASTER'S TARDIS  I PAUL is held captive in a web in the back of the Master's tardis.  MISTEReI MIKE (MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE of old-SNL fame) is viewing the goings-on in thed( Aqua-Valva building through a periscope.  G MR. MIKE        All I need is Hunter Thompson and some big long needlesaL                 with...*uhrrreeeeuuhll* sharp points, and this scenario willG                 be complete.  I'll see to it that those bozos won't gettG                 away with Liquid Papering my pal, the Master.  (Peeved) H                 Paul, will you please keep concentrating?  The constructJ                 *is* based on another I was able to locate in the Master'sE                 portable PC, but I *do* need some effort on your parte:                 to keep it real and closed in upon itself.  4 PAUL            You fiend! What do you intend to do?  L MR. MIKE        (Shrugs, deadpan) Hmmm...I don't really have any intentions.I                 Just random acts of meaningless violence.  That's all the'M                 modern world really is.  (Smiles, launching into an anecdote)rI                 You know, I really laughed hard after reading 'A Good Man K                 Is Hard to Find' by Flannery O'Connor...especially the part I                 where the guy shoots the old lady in the chest *just* forpM                 touching him.  The world needs more humor like that.  I mean,tJ                 it's easy to laugh *with* others...what is difficult is to                  laugh *at* them.  I PAUL            Dave will figure out how to escape, and then he'll rescue                  me!   E MR. MIKE        Tell me, smarty pants, how is he going to find you if J                 you keep popping up *inside* the Aqua-Valva construct withJ                 that lounge lizard act of yours?  Dave thinks you're thereD                 with him! ...Oh, those really weak clues you've beenB                 giving him?  Romana getting his jokes, DiPesto notG                 rhyming?  Come now, get serious.  Letterman has all the-F                 perception of a headless barnyard fowl and his friend,J                 Time-Lady Di, is far too ignorant of American TV to figure@                 it out.  Dream on, pal... remember, concentrate!  F Mister Mike looks into the periscope -- we see Maddie's office throughA the periscope.  Our heroes are sitting in front of Maddie's desk.lG Maddie is seated at her desk and Addison is sitting on the desk itself.'  G MADDIE          -- and you said that our Miss DiPesto didn't rhyme wheng)                 she answered the phone ---  G ADDISON         -- and this Steeler guy was shot by a woman who usually?D                 prefers to use logic rather than violence to achieve                 her goals --  B Suddenly, THOMAS MAGNUM (TOM SELLECK) bursts into Maddie's office.  F MAGNUM          And, Miss Hayes, a more important question -- what theE                 heck am I doing suddenly in a building in Los Angeles04                 when my home is a mansion in Hawaii?  5 ADDISON         Well, if it isn't Ted Danson himself.    MAGNUM          Excuse me?  = MADDIE          Never mind him.  Are you single--er, serious?u  D MAGNUM          Absolutely.  I've never been here before, and I know<                 who you are, even though I've never met you.  = MADDIE          (Beginning to get turned on) Oh, how strange.   ? ADDISON         Hey, blondie-blonde, put your knees back in theiC                 locked position and concentrate on the facts.  Thiso(                 can only mean one thing.   MADDIE          What?E   MAGNUM          What?E   ROMANA          What?	   DAVE            Huh?  G Suddenly, Laura and Steele burst in -- Laura is pushing a wheelchair ini4 which a very bruised and battered Steele is sitting.   STEELE          Ah agmee.   C LAURA           They hit him in the face a few times.  He says thati                 he agrees.   STEELE          Dhamkye.  . LAURA           You're welcome, Mistah Steele.  A STEELE          Me uhrr nn uh fhixunl klose thimnshunl knshtruchtOK                 mahufcktrd my phaaurl sthaffr ndr thourshn phy mhstuhmeyke.n   All (in unison) WHAT?G    E LAURA           He says that we are in a fictional closed-dimensional F                 construct manufactured by Paul Schaffer under coercion                 by Mister Mike!   = Cut back to Mr. Mike staring into the periscope in disbelief.a  F MR. MIKE        Unbelievable!  But they'll never guess where we are...  : Cut back to Maddie's office, viewed through the periscope.  C MAGNUM          And I bet Mr. Mike is located in ... the PENTHOUSE!w  0 Cut back to Mr. Mike staring into the periscope.  D MR. MIKE        Damn these artificial closed-dimensional constructs!E                 Well, what does it matter... they'll never figure out                  how to get out.n   Cut back to Maddie's office.  B DAVE            -- and all we have to do is to rescue Paul and theB                 whole construct will fall in upon itself, trappingA                 Mr. Mike...and you'll all be free to go back into.                 syndication.   Someone knocks at the door..   MADDIE          Come in!  A It's DWAYNE T. SCHNEIDER himself (PAT HARRINGTON), all trussed up  in toolbelt and T-shirt/vest.   A SCHNEIDER       Plumber.  I've come about the toilet clogged withA                  ping-pong balls.  * DAVE            That guy looks familiar...  = MADDIE          Yes, it's the other office.  David, would you 0                 show the plumber to your office?  * DAVE            (To Maddie) Don't wait up.  ' David leaves the office with Schneider.-  D DAVE            His name is *almost* on the tip of my tongue...where                  have I seen him?  D Cut back to Mr. Mike.  He turns to look at Paul, who is grinning ear to ear.o  1 MR. MIKE        I've had about enough from *you*.n  / Suddenly, the door to the Tardis bursts open...g   --------------------    J R O M A N A   ' N   D A V E    A Doctor Who Spinoff Satire, HypotheticallyF ---------------------------    Starring Lalla Ward and David Letterman4 No. 13                         Written by Tom Golden    -                            AQUA-VALVA, Part 5   D OUR STORY SO FAR:  Romana 'n Dave, still on a quest to locate DwayneE T. Schneider, the Locksmith Guardian, who can unlock the Key to Time,LG find themselves trapped in a Los Angeles skyscraper apparently designed	H by a fan of M. C. Escher -- bathrooms lead to different floors and thereB is no way out.  Even worse, the skyscraper seems to be filled withF TV detective agencies.  Our heroes, along with Dave and Maddie, SteeleD and Laura, and Magnum, have deduced that it is a plot by Mr. Mike toA trap Romana 'n Dave in a dimensional construct, powered by Paul'siD imagination, which will close in around them.  In a flash of genius,0 Paul imagines that...well, just start reading...   SCENE 1: THE MASTER'S TARDIS  D Cut back to Mr. Mike.  He turns to look at Paul, who is grinning ear to ear.m  1 MR. MIKE        I've had about enough from *you*.o  D Suddenly, the door to the Tardis bursts open... SLEDGE HAMMER (DAVID; RASCHE) and DOREAU (ANNE MARIE MARTIN) burst into the room.   J SLEDGE          Y'know, Doreau, I just love bursting into a room.  Freeze,H                 slimeball, or I'll shoot you.  In fact, I may just shoot8                 you anyway.  (To Paul)  You okay, fella?  1 PAUL            Yes...just get me down from here.t  8 Doreau goes over to the web and starts pulling it apart.  G MR. MIKE        I don't understand...the Tardis door can't be opened byo0                 any force known to the Universe.  @ SLEDGE          Well, it never encountered Sledge Hammer before.  5 MR. MIKE        (Sigh) Don't make me ill.  Oh, god...    SLEDGE          No...oh, Gun.'  H DOREAU          (Struggling) This web is really difficult to pull apart.  A SLEDGE          Just move aside, Doreau, and I'll shoot him down.y                 (Aims gun)  I PAUL            (Reflexively tears the web apart in a rush of adrenaline)eC                 *NOOO*...No, thanks, but I think I've freed myself.i  I SLEDGE          Good work, Doreau.  Now get that victim out of here while,H                 I milk this perp for information. (Aims gun at Mr. Mike)  ? DOREAU          Do you think that much force will be necessary?l  E SLEDGE          Probably not, but a guy can always hope.  Trust me, IoD                 know what I'm doing. (Smiles) (To Gun) Right? Right.    ! SCENE 3: CORRIDOR IN THE BUILDINGN  + Our heroes are running down the corridor...   H DAVE            I knew if I hung around you long enough, we'd be running8                 mindlessly up and down long corridors...  < ROMANA          Don't knock it...it beats the alternative...  - They pass by, followed by Maddie and Addison.e  : MADDIE          (Screaming) DaaaAaaaAAaaAAAaaVVVIDDDDDDDD!  = ADDISON         ('Curly' imitation) Woowoowooowooo -nYAAHAHH!g  C They pass by, followed by Steele, his wheelchair careening down thei corridor and Laura hanging on.  $ STEELE          MHAT VER YHUWR KOIG!  8 LAURA           I *am* *watching* *where* *I'm* *going*!   Then, of course...  3 MAGNUM          HIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGIIIIINNNNNSSSS!b  M And finally, Higgins' two Doberman dogs, snarling and bringing up the rear...    SCENE 4: YET ANOTHER CORRIDOR   C Our heroes run into Paul, who is running in the opposite direction.   F DAVE            Paul!  Good, now we can get out of here.  Paul, do you=                 know how to get back to the Tardis from here?s  H PAUL            Geez, Dave, I can't remember...everything is so...fuzzy.  6 ROMANA          Maybe if we can find another bathroom?  F PAUL            Nope, bathrooms lead into the center of the construct.  G ROMANA          But if it is truly closed, the center will then lead to-F                 the outer edge, and my Tardis.  Similar to a doughnut.  K DAVE            I'm not sure I follow that, but I don't have a better idea. <                 Let's find a Winchell's -- er, a bathroom...  B Our heroes and Paul go in and out of bathroom after bathroom afterA bathroom after bathroom after bathroom, until they come out in...u   SCENE 5:  THE LOBBY.  ' ROMANA          Quick, into the Tardis!   F DAVE            Yeah, like I'm going to head for the elevator! Sheesh!  H PAUL            (Singing)...INTO the BATH-ROOM and THROUGH THE HALLS, TO*                 ROMANA'S TARDIS WE GOOOOO!  7 DAVE            Paul, you are truly annoying sometimes.e  ! PAUL            Me?  What'd I do?s  E DAVE            You missed a rehersal...or something -- I'll think ofeG                 something...just get in the oversized fire hydrant, OK?C   SCENE 6:  CONSOLE ROOM  I Our heroes and Paul run into the Console room, where Romana quickly pulls.G the 'Dematerialize' lever.  They watch the viewscreen as the 'universe' 4 of the Aqua-Valva building collapses in upon itself.  D ROMANA          That was close.  I wonder what happened to all those"                 detectives we met?  G DAVE            Don't worry...they're all probably living quite happilyd-                 in reruns. As for Mr. Mike --   C Suddenly, an as-yet unnamed character (SAM KINISON) bursts into the E Console Room from the interior of the Tardis.  He is pointing a huge,s1 Gallifreyan ray-gun of some kind at our heroes...e  D MAN             AUUH! AUUH! AUUUUUUUUUUH!  NOBODY MOVE OR THIS'LL BE@                 YOUR FREAKIN' FACE!  AUUUH! AUUUH! AUUUUUUUUUUH!   ------------------ NEXT TIME:  SIGMAE    J R O M A N A   ' N   D A V E    A Doctor Who Spinoff Satire, HypotheticallyF ---------------------------    Starring Lalla Ward and David Letterman4 No. 14                         Written by Tom Golden    0                          SIGMA/THE ULTIMATE FAUX  D OUR STORY SO FAR:  Romana 'n Dave, still on a quest to locate DwayneE T. Schneider, the Locksmith Guardian, who can unlock the Key to Time,kI and, having barely escaped a plot by Mr. Mike to trap them in a fictionalnG construct which folded in upon itself, now find themselves held hostage.I by a Time Lord named SIGMA (played by comedian Sam Kinison) -- for as yete unknown reasons.   SCENE 1:  ROMANA'S TARDISc  E Suddenly, Sigma bursts into the Console room from the interior of theIC Tardis.  He is pointing a huge, Gallifreyan ray-gun of some kind at 
 our heroes...i  D SIGMA           AUUH! AUUH! AUUUUUUUUUUH!  NOBODY MOVE OR THIS'LL BE@                 YOUR FREAKIN' FACE!  AUUUH! AUUUH! AUUUUUUUUUUH!  D Dave holds up his hands.  Romana folds hers in a state of disbelief.  G ROMANA          This Tardis is in a state of temporal grace.  No weapon                  can work here.  J SIGMA           AUUUUUH! WANNA BET?  (Aims weapon at viewscreen and fires.G                 Viewscreen blows up, along with several circuits in thebG                 console.)  GRACE?  HALLELUJAH!  PRAISE RASSILON!  I cansE                 FRY your regenerating butts if I so choose.  SO DON'T                  MAKE ME MAD!   Romana holds up her hands.  9 ROMANA          Right.  Who are you and what do you want?I  E SIGMA           Who am I?  You don't know who *I* am?  Well, I'm just	C                 the *older*, *smarter* BROTHER OF *OMEGA*, *THAT'S*eD                 *WHO* *I* *AM*!!  DOES THE NAME *SIGMA* RING A BELL?   DAVE            Smegma? --  @ Sigma fires his weapon in Dave's general direction -- Dave ducks    DAVE            -- Just kidding.  G SIGMA           (Takes a deep breath, exhales)  Now, as I was saying...tE                 I took care of the bills and the laundry while my kidtE                 brother Omega was out blowing up star systems.   WhenNE                 he came to me and explained how he was going to cause'A                 a star to explode and provide unlimited power foreF                 everybody, I took a look at his calculations... y'know                 what I did?    ROMANA & DAVE   (Together) No.  K SIGMA           (Gets right up in Dave's face)  I came up to him like this,s.                 and I looked him in the eye --  ! DAVE            The Eye of Omega?   I SIGMA           Don't steal my punchlines, or I'll slap you with the Hand %                 of Sigma.  OK, buddy?y   DAVE            No problem.l  H SIGMA           As I was saying...I took a look at his calculations, andH                 I looked him in the eye and said, 'Omega...you know, youG                 can do this, and it'll probably work, but I want you todG                 look at my face.  Just look at my face.  (David obliges H                 him) Omega...this is gonna be your freakin' face for theF                 rest of eternity...(Screams at Dave at extremely closeJ                 range) AUUUH!  AUUUUH!  AUUUUUUUUUUUUH!  WHAT HAVE I DONE?F                 I BLEW UP A STAR AND NOW I'M TOAST! I SHOULDA LISTENED3                 TO MY BROTHER SIGMA!  AUUUUUUUUUH!'t  % ROMANA          Well, you were wrong.y   SIGMA           Wrong?  How?  + ROMANA          He hasn't *got* a face now.t  3 SIGMA           (To Dave)  Is she always like this?r  * DAVE            (To Sigma)  I'm afraid so.  ! SIGMA           (To Dave) Bummer.   $ ROMANA          So what do you want?  F SIGMA           Well, after Omega toasted himself, I wrote to the HighA                 Council...showed 'em a copy of his life insurancebD                 policy and the slimewads wouldn't pay up!  They saidD                 that he's in some kind of anti-matter dimension, andD                 the policy doesn't *cover* dimensional transference.G                 They said that if he *died* in *this* dimension, they'd G                 pay up, but since he isn't *really* dead...So, I figure D                 that I'll hold you and the Doctor here hostage untilE                 they give me what I want.  I mean, you two are alwaysf&                 doing work for them --  F DAVE            Wait -- the Doctor?  Me?  I just barely graduated with=                 a bachelor's from Ball State.  I'm no doctor.    SIGMA           You fooling me?k  K DAVE            Nope.  Here's my driver's license.  Says 'David Letterman'.eH                 (Bends it back and forth in his hand)  And if it weren't1                 real, I couldn't do this with it.l  G SIGMA           Nope, you couldn't do that if it weren't real, alright. J                 Hmmmm...without the Doctor, you're just small quorshplats.   DAVE            What?o  N ROMANA          Quorshplats are Gallifreyan equivalent of potato chips, David.  F DAVE            If quorshplats are potato chips, what do you call dip?   ROMANA & SIGMA  (Together) Dip.*  K DAVE            I *had to* ask.   (Pauses, gets an idea) Look, Sigma -- youtF                 seem just a little bit uptight.  Would I be correct inE                 assuming that Sigma doesn't have a Latka in his life?    SIGMA           Huh?  " DAVE            A female.  A babe.  N SIGMA           Nope.  We're TIME LORDS, you simp.  We've worked past all that                 stuff.  J DAVE            Well, why don't you regress for a little while.  Romana'll#                 take us to Earth --i   ROMANA          I'll do what?   G DAVE            -- You 'n I'll round up a couple of fabulous babes, get.F                 tanked and watch Canadian ice fishing on ESPN.  You'll"                 really mellow out.  G SIGMA           Hmmmm...I admit that it has possibilities...and it does E                 stir up some rather *primeval* impulses, now that your)                 mention it.  (Lowers gun)y  M DAVE            (Whispers to Romana) Let's take him to ...psspsspsspspspss...    Romana pushes some buttons.h  % ROMANA          Course set for Earth..  D DAVE            Sigma, I'd offer you a beer now, but Romana's stupid=                 food synthesizer doesn't know how to make it.   G SIGMA           That's okay, I'm not thirsty right now.  But if you had +                 some quorshplats and dip...a  C The time rotor stops and a gentle 'BING!' is heard from the consoleu   ROMANA          We've arrived.  F SIGMA           I won't have to buy another lifetime mattress, will I?  K DAVE            No... just step outside and ask the man for some punch, and K                 I'll be right out -- I just have to go get my Velcro scarf.   / SCENE 2:  A LARGE AUDITORIUM WITH A BOXING RINGa  G Romana's Tardis is in the middle of the ring and MIKE TYSON is standingf! in front of it.  Sigma walks out.i  : SIGMA           Hi.  Name's Sigma.  May I have some punch?  H TYSON           Yeah, I'll give you a punch  (Punches Sigma who crumples                 to the floor)'  E Dave steps out of the Tardis just long enough to grab Sigma's gun andi
 wave to Mike.d  ! DAVE            Hey, thanks Mike.i   TYSON           Anytime, Dave.  F DAVE            (Looking down at Sigma)  By the way, Mike...don't beatF                 him *too* senseless... and don't forget to brush thoseF                 teeth -- you don't want to look like Leon Spinks...OK?(                 (Steps back into Tardis)   SCENE 3:  TARDIS  C ROMANA          Closing doors...and we're underway again.  That wase#                 very clever, David.s  G DAVE            Hee hee hee hee...one of the oldest tricks in the book.oF                 'Land your Tardis in a boxing ring and have Mike TysonI                 knock the stuffing out of him'.  Classic.  Hee hee hee...m  G Suddenly, the White Guardian (CHRIS ELLIOTT) appears on the viewscreen.e  @ WHITE GUARDIAN  Well, well, well, greetings.  Made any progress?  D ROMANA          Well, sir, we've located the Locksmith Guardian, but0                 we haven't actually *found* him.  F WHITE GUARDIAN  No matter.  While you were hopelessly trapped in thoseB                 ridiculous situations, I located alternative help.  D 'Q' (JOHN DE LANCIE, from STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION) comes into< view in the viewscreen.  'Q' is dressed like the 6th Doctor.  G Q               Hello there, you pale, insignificant and unfashionably-r"                 dressed creatures!  D WHITE GUARDIAN  My friend Q, here, managed to obtain the Key to TimeC                 without consulting the Locksmith Guardian.  (NudgestA                 Q) Tell him how you did it, Q!  You're gonna just %                 die when you hear it!o  F Q               First, I want to thank you for these fabulous clothes.D                 It is quite pleasing to finally wear something whichL                 matches my colors!  Anyway, I just changed the gravitationalE                 constant of the universe and the Key just popped out.c  D WHITE GUARDIAN  Simple, eh!  I bet you're just beating yourselves up-                 for not thinking of it first!h  E Q               Their micro-brains simply couldn't cope with anythingn                 that elegant.u  H DAVE            But what about the Black Guardian -- he didn't seem likeB                 a forgive-and-forget kind of guy...won't he try to%                 hurt us or something?   J Q               No problem -- I just changed *his* gravitational constant.:                 Now he's so heavy he can't get out of bed!  G WHITE GUARDIAN  Well, kids, it's been fun, but we have to be going now.EM                 You know how it is -- dimensions to go to, entities to see...   ! The TARDIS viewscreen goes blank.e  C DAVE            Romana, it looks like it's *Miller time*.  Know anya<                 place where we can just kick back and relax?  F ROMANA          Absolutely, David.  I know just the spot.  It's called                 Hyaitus.  F DAVE            Sounds great.  I'd love to spend some time on Hyaitus."                 Do they have ESPN?  D ROMANA          No, but I have something you'll like just as much...   DAVE            What?   E ROMANA          Your friend Al's 'Box 'O Thrills'!  (Pushes button onp                 console)  K Dave is seen standing directly below a large box labelled 'BOX O' THRILLS'.e6 The box tilts and its contents falls down over Dave...  L DAVE            Great...burnt toast and little packets of marmalade. Hee hee                 hee hee...   --------------------