$ X-NEWS: spcvxb rec.humor.funny: 2906T Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.1B7+SPC1,2 05/22/93 VAX/VMS V5.5-2; site spcvxb.spc.edug Path: spcvxb!uunet!math.ohio-state.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!uunet.ca!xenitec!looking!funny-request  Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny  Subject: Scientific Dictionary$ Message-ID: <S567.6b09@clarinet.com>& From: 8643mrail%umbsky.dnet@ns.umb.edu  Date: Mon, 31 May 93 4:30:02 EDT Keywords: chuckle, science Approved: funny@clarinet.com
 Lines: 208     From somewhere at UMass/Lowell   				THE LAST WORD ) 		     The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary       G Activation Energy:  	The useful quantity of energy available in one cup 
 			of coffee.   C Atomic Theory:		A mythological explanation of the nature of matter, 1 			first proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now  8 			thoroughly discredited by modern computer simulation.4 			Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer 1 			simulation have failed.  Instead, it has been  7 			demonstrated repeatedly that computer outputs depend ; 			upon the color of the programmer's eyes, or occasionally 6 			upon the month of his or her birth.  This apparent 3 			astrological connection, at last, vindicates the 5 			alchemist's view of astrology as the mother of all  			science.   ? Bacon, Roger:		An English friar who dabbled in science and made 5 			experimentation fashionable.  Bacon was the first  8 			science popularizer to make it big on the banquet and8 			talk-show circuit, and his books even outsold the fad 			diets of the period.   - Biological Science:	A contradiction in terms.   C Bunsen Burner:		A device invented by Robert Bunsen (1811-1899) for  5 			brewing coffee in the laboratory, thereby enabling 6 			the chemist to be poisoned without having to go all$ 			the way to the company cafeteria.  < Butyl:			An unpleasant-sounding word denoting an unpleasant- 			smelling alcohol.  < CAI:			Acronym for "Computer-Aided Instruction".  The modern5 			system of training professional scientists without 4 			ever exposing them to the hazards and expense of 8 			laboratory work.  Graduates of CAI-based programs are# 			very good at simulated research.   @ Cavendish:		A variety of pipe tobacco that is reputed to produce8 			remarkably clear thought processes, and thereby leads9 			to major scientific discoveries; hence, the name of a  4 			British research laboratory where the tobacco is  			smoked in abundance.   A Chemical:		A substance that:  1)  An organic chemist turns into a 6 			foul odor;  2)  an analytical chemist turns into a 2 			procedure;  3)  a physical chemist turns into a7 			straight line;  4)  a biochemist turns into a helix; / 			5)  a chemical engineer turns into a profit.   H Chemical Engineering:	The practice of doing for a profit what an organic 			chemist only does for fun.   D Chromatography:		(From Gr. chromo [color] + graphos [writing])  The 5 			practice of submitting manuscripts for publication 5 			with the original figures drawn in non-reproducing  			blue ink.  D Clinical Testing:	The use of humans as guinea pigs.  (See also PHAR- 			MACOLOGY and TOXICOLOGY)   ; Compound:		To make worse, as in:  1)  A fracture;  2)  the  / 			mutual adulteration of two or more elements.   C Computer Resources:	The major item of any budget, allowing for the  8 			acquisition of any capital equipment that is obsolete+ 			before the purchase request is released.   2 Eigen Function:		The use to which an eigen is put.  9 En:			The universal bidentate ligand used by coordination ; 			chemists.  For years, efforts were made to use ethylene- 5 			diamine for this purpose, but chemists were unable 4 			to squeeze all the letters between the corners of4 			the octahedron diagram.  The timely invention of *  			en in 1947 revolutionized the science.  G Evaporation Allowance:	The volume of alcohol that the graduate students  			can drink in a year's time.  L Exhaustive Methylation:	A marathon event in which the participants methylate# 			until they drop from exhaustion.   I First Order Reaction:	The reaction that occurs first, not always the one  8 			desired.  For example, the formation of brown gunk in 			an organic prep.    Flame Test:		Trial by fire.   K Genetic Engineering:	A recent attempt to formalize what engineers have been  			doing informally all along.  B Grignard:		A fictitious class of compounds often found on organic   			exams and never in real life.  K Inorganic Chemistry:	That which is left over after the organic, analytical, 6 			and physical chemists get through picking over the  			periodic table.  ? Mercury:		(From L.  Mercurius, the swift messenger of the gods) 9 			Element No. 80, so named because of the speed of which 7 			one of its compounds (calomel, Hg2Cl2) goes through  6 			the human digestive tract.  The element is perhaps 3 			misnamed, because the gods probably would not be 5 			pleased by the physiological message so delivered.   & Monomer:		One mer.  (Compare POLYMER).  G Natural Product:	A substance that earns organic chemists fame and glory ; 			when they manage to systhesize it with great difficulty, 8 			while Nature gets no credit for making it with great  			ease.  D Organic Chemistry:	The practice of transmuting vile substances into  			publications.  E Partition Function:	The function of a partition is to protect the lab 3 			supervisor from shrapnel produced in laboratory   			explosions.  ? Pass/Fail:		An attempt by professional educators to replace the 8 			traditional academic grading system with a binary one3 			that can be handled by a large digital computer.   E Pharmacology:		The use of rabbits and dogs as guinea pigs.  (See also ! 			CLINICAL TESTING, TOXICOLOGY).   H Physical Chemistry:	The pitiful attempt to apply y=mx+b to everything in 			the universe.  A Pilot Plant:		A modest facility used for confirming design errors 2 			before they are built into a costly, full-scale 			production facility.   ) Polymer:		Many mers.  (Compare MONOMERS).   8 Prelims:		(From L. pre [before] + limbo [oblivion])  An 4 			obligatory ritual practiced by graduate students 8 			just before the granting of a Ph.D. (if the gods are ) 			appeased) or an M.S. (if they aren't).   D Publish or Perish:	The imposed, involuntary choice between fame and 6 			oblivion, neither of which is handled gracefully by 			most faculty members.  G Purple Passion:		A deadly libation prepared by mixing equal volumes of   			grape juice and lab alcohol.   G Quantum Mechanics:	A crew kept on the payroll to repair quantums, which ( 			decay frequently to the ground state.  A Rate Equations:		(Verb phrase)  To give a grade or a ranking to a 8 			formula based on its utility and applicability.  H=E,5 			for example, applies to everything everywhere, and 8 			therefore rates an A.  pV=nRT, on the other hand, is 4 			good only for nonexistent gases and thus receives6 			only a D+, but this grade can be changed to a B- if2 			enough empirical virial coefficients are added.  ? Research:		(Irregular noun)  That which I do for the benefit of 9 			humanity, you do for the money, he does to hog all the 	 			glory.   , Sagan:			The international unit of humility.  I Scientific Method:	The widely held philosophy that a theory can never be  4 			proved, only disproved, and that all attempts to ) 			explain anything are therefore futile.   ' SI:			Acronym for "Systeme Infernelle".   B Spectrophotometry:	A long word used mainly to intimidate freshman 
 			nonmajors.   ? Spectroscope:		A disgusting-looking instrument used by medical  1 			specialists to probe and examine the spectrum.   8 Toxicology:		The wholesale slaughter of white rats bred 4 			especially for that purpose.  (See also CLINICAL  			TESTING, PHARMACOLOGY).  E X-Ray Diffraction:	An occupational disorder common among physicians,  5 			caused by reading X-ray pictures in darkened rooms 4 			for prolonged periods.  The condition is readily 8 			cured by a greater reliance on blood chemistries; the; 			lab results are just as inconclusive as the X-rays, but   			are easier to read.  ? Ytterbium:		A rare and inconsequential element, named after the 6 			village of Ytterby, Sweden (not to be confused with6 			Iturbi, the late pianist and film personality, who 5 			was actually Spanish, not Swedish).  Ytterbium is c6 			used mainly to fill block 70 in the periodic table.7 			Iturbi was used mainly to play Jane Powell's father.e   --O Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.iJ Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.  H Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.  You think I have* time to hand-correct everybody's postings?