& X-NEWS: spcvxa rec.arts.startrek: 4425J Relay-Version: VMS News - V5.9C 19/12/89 VAX/VMS V5.3; site spcvxa.spc.edu: Path: spcvxa!njin!rutgers!rochester!cornell!heights!tlynch Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek  Subject: "Ain't I a Stinker"; Message-ID: <1990Apr21.003643.1288@heights.cit.cornell.edu> $ From: tlynch@heights.cit.cornell.edu Date: 21 Apr 90 00:36:43 GMT Distribution: rec Q Organization: Cornell Information Technologies, Workstation Resources, Ithaca, NY  Keywords: TNG, semi-parodic 0 Summary: No summary--read the durned thing.  :-)
 Lines: 992   "Ain't I a Stinker?"  Script and Teleplay by Tim Lynch Directed by Rob Bowman  K "Captain's Log, stardate 41586.2.  In a somewhat unexpected turn of events, I the Ferengi have asked us to negotiate for terms of a political alliance  I between our two governments.  As the Enterprise has had the most dealings M with the Ferengi in the past, we have been requested by them to shuttle their K ambassador, DaiMon Rol, to Earth for the negotiations.  It is a great honor   for the ship, and for her crew."  . (Picard enters the bridge from his ready room)  4 Picard:  Everything proceeding smoothly, Number One?  N Riker:  Yes, sir.  DaiMon Rol's been taken on board and we've just left orbit.  @ Picard:  Grand.  Mr. LaForge, set course 150 mark 48, warp five.   Geordi:  Aye, sir, warp five.    Picard:  Engage.  D (As the ship accelerates, Picard notices that Riker seems troubled.)  % Picard:  Something wrong, Number One?   M Riker:  Not really, sir.  It's just--does anything about this mission seem...  well, odd to you, sir?   Picard:  In what way?   J Riker:  (lecturing)  For the past year, the Ferengi have shown no sign of N interest in an alliance of any kind.  And the one time we thought they did, itL turned out to be a trick to get revenge on you.  Their sudden interest _now_ seems suspicious in some way.   4 Picard:  Times change, Number One.  Cultures change.  < Riker:  I know that, sir, but I'm still going to be careful.  L Picard:  That's a wise reaction at any time.  Come, we must greet our guest. Mr. Data, you have the bridge.  J (Shot of guest quarters.  DaiMon Rol is there, and does _not_ look happy.) (Picard and Riker enter.)   J Picard:  Welcome to the Enterprise, DaiMon Rol.  I apologize that we couldH not be there to greet you when you first came aboard.  This is my first " officer, Commander William Riker--  I DaiMon Rol:  (cutting him off) Why are there guards outside my quarters,   Captain?  G Picard:  It is simply a routine security measure, DaiMon, nothing more.   N DaiMon Rol:  Why do you need security on me, captain?  I mean no harm.  Look--0 (gestures to the empty room) _I_ have no guards.  N Picard:  Yes, DaiMon, we are well aware of that, but we have had some trouble  in the past, and--  5 DaiMon Rol:  NO SECURITY!!  You insult Ferengi honor.   ? Riker: (softly, to himself)  I didn't know Ferengi _had_ honor.   H DaiMon Rol:  What did you say, (examines Riker's insignia), _Commander_?B (His tone implies that this rank could be a _very_ temporary one.)J (At this point, Riker makes a quick 'ulp!' noise.  Apparently, he did not  expect to be overheard.)  L Picard:  (interjecting smoothly)  My first officer said that he regrets the K smirch on your honor, DaiMon, and will remove the guards immediately.  (to   Riker)  Make it so, Number One.   B (Riker starts to protest, but is silenced by a glare from Picard.)  # Riker:  Yes, sir.  (moves to do so)   E Picard:  May we ask, however, that you wear one of our communicators?   ! DaiMon Rol:  (suspiciously)  Why?   J Picard:  It will enable us to monitor your physical state, so that if you   should suddenly become ill, we--  $ DaiMon Rol:  Do you now threaten me?  K Picard:  (getting a little exasperated at being interrrupted so often, but  O still playing the diplomat)  Not at all.  It is for your own welfare that I ask D this.  (removes his communicator and extends his hand to DaiMon Rol)  " DaiMon Rol:  (taking it)  I agree.  I Picard:  Thank you, DaiMon.  Now, if you'll excuse us, we have duties to   perform.  Number One?   N (They leave, Riker dismissing the guards on his way out.  DaiMon Rol suddenly  looks very crafty.)   N DaiMon Rol:  My physical state is not important, Picard.  Soon--very soon--the Enterprise will be ours.  ) (Music swells...cut to opening credits)      ACT 1:  @ (Picard and Riker are in the turbolift, en route to the bridge.)  O Picard:  (a bit brusque, but annoyingly quiet about it)  Number One, I am well  O aware of the Ferengi's past conduct, but you must understand that this mission  N is of the utmost importance to the Federation.  If we can ally ourselves with L the Ferengi as we did with the Klingons, the diplomatic advantages would be  tremendous.    Riker:  I simply meant--  O Picard:  I know what you _meant_, Will.  It's what you said that's the problem. L This mission is too important to be jeopardized by careless statements like  that.   F (Upper bridge--Picard and Riker step out of the turbolift, only to be ' immediately confronted by Yar and Worf)   N Yar:  Sir, I must insist that the security guards in the ambassador's quarters be reinstated.  & Picard:  Noted and denied, Lieutenant.  : Yar:  Sir, you've all but given him free rein of the ship!  & Picard:  That's exactly what I intend.  J Worf:  (joining in)  Captain, I respectfully submit that he should not be  allowed too much freedom.   < Picard:  (very sharply) Define "too much freedom", Mr. Worf!   Worf:  Sir?   M Picard:  He is the first step on the road to a lasting peace.  Can peace have  too much freedom?   0 Worf:  He is a Ferengi!  They are without honor!  O Picard:  And so they will remain, if no one gives them an opportunity to change  it.    Yar:  I understand, sir.  < Picard:  Besides, Lieutenant, he _does_ have a communicator.  / Yar:  So we can track his location at any time.   O Riker:  (grinning) It lets us keep tabs on him without arousing his suspicions.  Brilliant move, sir.  M Picard:  (as they move down to their seats)  Well, Number One, you can't read O mystery novels all your life without at least a bit of subterfuge in the blood.  (sits and adjusts his uniform)  H Data:  (at Con)  Sir, I do not understand the connection.  How does the 3 composition of one's blood affect reading material?   L (Picard, slightly miffed, starts phrasing his explanation, then changes his  mind.)  2 Picard:  Remind me to explain..._later_, Mr. Data.  # Data:  Yes, sir.  And...if I may...    Picard:  Yes, go ahead.   I Data:  How can subterfuge, a conceptualization, be encased in a concrete   substance such as blood?  9 Picard:  (really exasperated now)  Just forget I said it.    (Data looks mildly puzzled)   J (DaiMon Rol's quarters.  The ambassador is laughing to himself as he puts K together a small device which looks very odd.  He tests to see if it works, M turning it on a wall.  A dazzlingly bright ray expands out in a cone.  DaiMon # Rol smiles and exits his quarters.)    (Bridge)   Data:  Captain!   5 Picard:   (still annoyed)  Yes, Data, what is it now?   ' Data:  Sir, I am reading a power surge.    Picard:  Location?  2 Data:  DaiMon Rol's quarters, but--now it is gone.  ! Picard:  Where is DaiMon Rol now?   5 Data:  Leaving his quarters, heading for Turbolift 5.   K Picard:  Lieutenant Yar, send a security team to make sure he doesn't cause 
 trouble.     Yar:  Aye, sir.    Picard:  And, Number One...    Riker:  Yes, sir?   % Picard:  _Don't_ say "I told you so".   = (DaiMon Rol, in a random corridor, removes his communicator.)   ( Yar:  (just preparing to leave) Captain!   Picard:  Yes, Lieutenant?   L Yar:  It's the ambassador, sir.  He must have taken off the communicator you gave him, sir.  We've lost him.   $ Intercom:  <<Engineering to Bridge>>   Picard:  Picard.  M Argyle:  <<Argyle here, sir.  We're having a small problem with the dilithium ; crystals.  We'll have to slow to impulse for a few hours.>>   M Picard:  Make it so.  Mr. LaForge, get down to Engineering and see if you can  lend a hand.   Geordi:  Aye, sir.  L (Geordi leaves his seat to another officer standing by.  The camera follows K Geordi into the lift, and down to Engineering level.  He walks a few steps,pK when suddenly a door opens, revealing DaiMon Rol.  Geordi tries to call forsN Security, but before he reaches his communicator, DaiMon Rol zaps him with theI ray, then slinks off.  Geordi slowly gets up, and walks back to the lift,u looking confused.)  2 (Bridge.  Geordi enters and returns to his chair.)  D Picard:  Everything cleared up already, Mr. LaForge?  That was fast.  % Geordi:  (slowly)  "Cleared up", sir?r  $ Picard:  The problem in Engineering.  . Geordi:  Oh...that...yes.  I think so, anyway.  L Picard:  You think so?  (stiffening)  Lieutenant, are you feeling all right?  1 Geordi:  Hmm?  Oh...yeah, sure.  A little groggy.d  H Picard:  I'm sending you to sickbay.  (hitting comm panel on chair) Dr.  Crusher, this is the bridge.  @ Crusher:  (on intercom)  <<Crusher here.  What is it, Captain?>>  J Picard:  Lieutenant LaForge is acting strangely.  I'm sending him down to  sickbay.  5 Crusher:  <<We'll be waiting for him.  Sickbay out.>>"   Picard:  Well, Mr. LaForge?r   Geordi:  On my...my...  N (Geordi suddenly stiffens, then jerks strangely a few times, as if about to go into a fit.)  3 Picard:  Sickbay!  Medical emergency on the bridge!M  , (Yar moves in to stop Geordi, but too late.)  N Geordi:  Meep-meep!  (rushes to the turbolift at top speed and disappears into it)d  4 (Quick shot of the bridge crew's stunned reactions.)  ' Picard:  Unbelievable.  Lieutenant Yar.y   Yar:  Yes, sir?d  H Picard:  Get a team together and _find_ him.  Make sure he doesn't hurt  himself, or anyone else.  $ Yar:  Aye, sir.  (leaves the bridge)  E Picard:  Data--any idea what those noises Geordi made were all about?   O Data:  I am not sure, sir.  I have a hypothesis, but checking it will take someT time.d  N Picard:  Do it!  (aside to Riker) I'm positive this is somehow connected with  that power surge.a  1 Riker:  You think DaiMon Rol's behind this, then?   N Picard:  Either that, or he's caught in it with the rest of us.  We'll have toJ find him to be sure.  Something's happening here which could be beyond our control.   (Music surge, fade out.)  
 COMMERCIAL I:   O Bartles:  Hello.  You may not be aware of this, but Ed and I used to be farmerstN before we became the smooth-talking debonair fellows we are today.  We're bothN quite happy about that, but we still occasionally miss the farm life.  That's M why we proudly present the new, slug-flavored Bartles & Jaymes wine cooler.  o? If you've ever lived on a farm, you're bound to love the taste.y@ Good luck with this year's harvest, and thanks for your support.   ACT II:tD (The Crushers are in a corridor, obviously heading for a turbolift.)  ; Beverly:  No, I _don't_ know what's going on up there, Wes.d  N Wesley:  With all that's happening, I really feel useless in my quarters, Mom.  L Beverly:  Yes, I know, Wes; you've already told me twice.  That's why you'reI coming with me--to offer to take Geordi's position until he recovers.  I k _know_.   O (Bridge.  It's still more than a bit chaotic, and Picard is NOT in a good mood.n Not in the slightest.)   (The Crushers arrive)a  4 Beverly:  Reporting as ordered, Ca---where's Geordi?  9 Picard:  Your guess is currently as good as mine, Doctor.v   Beverly:  What do you mean?   M Picard;  I _mean_, Doctor, that Lieutenant LaForge had some sort of fit, theny ran off.  F Beverly:  (upset)  RAN OFF?  Sir, it is vital that he be found immed--  O Picard:  (not really wishing to hear another tirade)  Lieutenant Yar is already M out with a team looking for him, Dr. Crusher.  (Suddenly, he notices Wesley.)   What are you doing here, Ensign?  I Wesley:  (a bit flustered at seeing Picard in _such_ a bad mood) Well, I a- thought, sir, that maybe, well...(trails off)    Picard:  Out with it!t  J Wesley:  That since Geordi's sick, I could help out at Con until he's all  right.   Picard:  No.  Absolutely not.   + Wesley:  (somewhat surprised)  But why not?i  M Picard:  Are you questioning my orders, Acting Ensign Crusher? (in that tone .9 that suggests that there is, in fact, a still lower rank)o  , Wesley:  (stung)  No, sir.  It's just that--  9 Picard:  Then you have my final word, Ensign.  Dismissed.,  H (Wesley looks like he still wants to pursue the subject, but decides to # exercise the better part of valor.)   & Wesley:  Aye, sir.  (he and Bev leave)  N Riker:  (somewhat curious)  Captain, if there's some reason why you don't want Wes on the bridge--e  I Picard:  Hmm?  Oh...no, Number One, nothing in particular.  Just a hunch,m0 really.  (smiling)  Call it Captain's intuition.   Riker:  Sir?  J Picard:  Something's telling me that there's more going on here than meetsK the eye, and I want young Ensign Crusher well clear of any possible danger.I   Riker:  (smiling)  I see, sir.  G Picard:  Good.  Now let's see if we can't find a pattern to all that's e	 happened.y  O (Cut to Bev & Wes in a corridor, heading from the lift to their quarters.  The hK doors shut, and we then hear the sound of DaiMon Rol's ray, and DaiMon Rol i9 laughing, as the "oh no, something's wrong" music swells)'  ? (Meanwhile, Picard and Riker are in the conference room alone.).  N Riker:  (in mid-sentence already) ...important thing, sir, is to catch DaiMon 1 Rol before he does something even more dangerous.a  O Picard:  Will, we don't even know for sure if he is behind Geordi's affliction.a? Once we find him, _then_ we'll worry about what to do with him.   " (They go back to the main bridge.)  L Data:  (getting out of Picard's chair and back to Ops) Sir, I believe I have* discovered the source of Geordi's problem.   Picard:  Specify.y  K Data:  The sounds are very similar to those made by a cartoon character on nB Earth in the late twentieth century.  The character is known as a  "Road-Runner".  : Riker:  (skeptical)  Hold it, Data--a _cartoon_ character?  N Data:  Yes, sir.  Through a process known as "animation", fictional charactersN were created on a television screen.  As they did not involve actual, physicalG beings, anything could be done to them...much like our current holodeckfM creations, but far more primitive.  For example, a continual favorite of the oO time involved the attempts of a cat to catch a mouse--quite humorous, it seems.  Also, there was--   L Picard: (sensing a long list coming)  Data!  We understand, thank you.  Now,0 do you have any idea what brought the effect on?  I (Suddenly, the turbolift doors open to reveal DaiMon Rol standing behind  B Wesley, who looks even more smug than usual.  Wes is holding some > unidentifiable device, but we can see the word CRUSHER on it.)  M Wesley:  A legitimate question, Captain.  (His voice seems strangely deeper.)'  " (Picard whirls around to see them)   Picard:  Wesley!!t  + Wesley:  No, Captain, not "Wesley", Wile E.d   Data:  (softly) Wile E.?  N Wesley:  That's correct, Data.  Wile E. Crusher, Sooper-Genius.  (chuckles to  himself at the last two words)  M Riker:  (noticing DaiMon Rol for the first time)  Captain, that's DaiMon Rol  @ back there!  (starts to run towards him, apparently to grab him)   Picard:  No, Number One!  L (Too late.  DaiMon Rol lifts his ray and sprays Riker with it, full force.  - Riker falls to the floor, out of it for now.)r  O Wesley:  (chuckling again) I _really_ wouldn't try anything like that if I were  you.  1 Picard:  All right.  What is it you want, Wesley?b   Wesley:  WILE E.  C Picard:  (not about to give in)  _Wesley_.  What is this all about?i  M Wesley:  It's very simple, even for one of your...limited intellect.  My deareI companion, DaiMon Rol, has brought with him a ray which affects anyone it O strikes, making them like old Earth cartoon characters.  A simply..._delicious_  idea!  (licks his lips)t  E Picard:  But _why_, DaiMon?  What do you stand to gain from all this?i  H DaiMon Rol:  Gain?  We gain this ship!  Can you imagine what the Romulan9 Empire would pay for a top Federation ship like this one?g  > Worf:  ROMULANS?!  You are in league with those dishonorable--  M Picard:  (desperate to avoid antagonizing DaiMon Rol any further)  Mr. Worf!!cL (Worf quiets, after casting one long, nasty glare at DaiMon Rol and Wesley.)G Now, Wesley, you will stop this idiocy and get off my bridge _at once_.   N Wesley:  Tsk, tsk, Captain.  And I did so hope you wouldn't resist.  Ah, well.  N (DaiMon Rol raises the ray and fires point-blank at Picard.  Picard flinches, N but nothing seems to happen.  However, everyone but DaiMon Rol starts looking  at Picard strangely.)h  " Picard: (advancing)  Well, DaiMon?  7 DaiMon Rol:  What has happened?  Why is it not working?   0 Picard:  Your inventions are backfiring, DaiMon.  , DaiMon Rol:  (to Wesley)  Crusher--quickly!!  N (Wesley raises his weapon, which we can now see reads CRUSHER DIMENSIONAL WARP (a division of ACME).)  L Wesley:  (answering the unspoken question)  Just something I cooked up in my spare time, Captain.  < Picard:  (curious, despite his anger)  Oh?  What does it do?  - Wesley:  See for yourself, Captain.  Goodbye.o  O (Wesley fires, and Picard disappears.  As everyone turns to gape, we fade out.)e   COMMERCIAL II:  7 Voice-over:  Monday night, in a special two-hour movie:   L One of the Bible's most important characters, who has done so much to shape L today's society...he has remained unsung, until now.  Join us, as we follow 8 this man from his shadowed birth to his ignominious end.  ( "ONAN--The True Story", only on WENY-TV.   Act III:  J "Captain's personal log, stardate unknown and irrelevant.  DaiMon Rol and O Wesley Crusher have seized control of the Enterprise, and have rendered half mydO crew helpless with some sort of ray.  Meanwhile, I find myself presented with an rather odd setting..."  K (The scene is that of a forest, but many of the trees have roughly 3' tall mH holes through the bottom of them.  Apart from that, however, things are  completely peaceful.)e  % Picard:  Where in the..._where_ am I?   O (Suddenly, without warning, a small tornado (in fact, about 3' high) appears on:H the horizon.  It comes toward Picard very quickly; in fact, rather than N skipping around the trees, it appears to eat right through them.  Eventually, J it gets right next to Picard, who steps away a few paces.  As the tornado L stops, we see a small, brown, furry, amazingly ravenous creature with sharp  teeth.)a  M Creature:  Why for you exile me in this cold, cold dimension, Picard captain?   L Picard:  (at something of a loss for words)  How---how do you know who I am? We've never met.   Creature:  Yes, we have.  N (In a blinding flash of light, the creature disappears, only to be replaced by Q, in a Starfleet uniform.)t   Picard:  Q!d  1 Q:  The "Q-Manian Devil", if you please, Captain.u   Picard:  "Q-Manian Devil"?  1 Q:  Yes, well, I've got to act the part, don't I?i  O Picard:  Act the part..._you're_ behind this! (Q just smirks.)  You gave DaiMont Rol that weapon!  N Q:  Nonsense.  I merely planted the idea in his tiny little mind.  He did all 3 the work--actually, I think it came out quite well.g  5 Picard:  But why, Q?  We've done nothing against you.o  H Q:  Nothing?  (gestures to his surroundings) You call exiling me *here* N nothing? (calms down and starts to explain)  The Q were not pleased with what N I'd done when last we met, so they sent me here for a century or two:  one of J our "disciplinary" gestures.  But somehow, something went wrong.  I still O retain some of my powers.  Not all of them, mind you; but enough to do the job.f   Picard:  What job is that?  J Q:  Why, returning the favor, mon capitan, of course.  I thought, if your J species is so insistent on acting like children, let's give you back your B childhood toys for a while.  Truly, a punishment to fit the crime.  I Picard:  Punishment?  I'd call it persecution--and stop quoting Gilbert &_	 Sullivan.)   Q: (smugly)  Temper, temper.  M Picard:  It's not we who are children Q.  It is you.  The Enterprise is _not_i your personal plaything.  . Q: (bored)  Oh, that's what the last one said.  M Picard:  The last what?  (Q, caught, freezes)  The last _what_, Q?  Have you u% stopped other starships like our own?r  1 Q:  Really, Captain, this is a bit off the track.i  I Picard:  Oh, no, Q.  I think we're proceeding quite smoothly.  Answer my  	 question.T   Q:  Well, if you must know...n  : Picard:  (somewhat sarcastically)  Oh, believe me, I must.  - Q:  Have you ever heard of the planet Gothos?   % Picard:  No...no, I don't believe so.h  L Q:  Well, about a hundred years ago, the _original_ starship Enterprise, notM your fourth-generation piece of space rubble, ran across the lonely planet of N Gothos, inhabited only by someone who called himself...(pauses as if trying toL remember) Trelane, I believe his name was.  Trelane had been watching humansN for quite some time, especially the more warlike eras of your history.  He wasO fascinated, and wanted an experiment of his own.  So, he kidnapped your CaptaineN James Kirk and some of his crew, and had a simply lovely time--(bitterly) thatK is, until Captain Kirk tricked him and managed to get Trelane's parents to t bring him back home again.  J Picard:  Yes, all quite interesting, but what does it have to do with you?  K Q:  Captain, you're such a dullard!  Let me go further:  In the intervening M century, the child Trelane grew older.  Eschewing the violence of his bygone tJ youth, he decided to see if humanity had changed any.  It hadn't.  So, he M decided to try to give you a push in the right direction...but only to be met - once again with blind, unreasoning hostility.i  8 Picard:  You mean to say that you and this Trelane are--  N Q:  (with a flourish) One and the same.  Congratulations, Captain.  For once,  you got it right.   I Picard:  But that still doesn't explain why you've carried your vendetta   against _us_ for so long.   * Q:  Oh, doesn't it?  Think again, Captain.  J Picard:  (musingly)  After the exile Captain Kirk gave you...(forcefully) * you've *never* forgiven humanity for that!  ! Q:  Of course not.  Why should I?t  N Picard:  Just look at yourself, Q.  You talk of our childishness and violence,N yet you are incapable of even the slightest acts of mercy or forgiveness.  How _adult_ a response is that?,  J Q:  (sounding ever more Trelanish) Oh, dear, you do have a one-track mind, don't you, Captain?   H Picard:  (not even slowing down)  Your acts are those of a child, Q--or O Trelane, or whatever you call yourself.  You are a spoiled child, with no more u maturity than an infant!  K Q:  (stern again)  I've been patient with you in the past, Captain.  Don't a force my hand.  L Picard:  (thinking of an alternate attack)  Q, you say that you've grown out$ of your old, childish ways, correct?  . Q:  At last, you're finally getting somewhere.  F Picard:  But, Q--what does a parent normally tell a disobedient child?  & Q:  Why, to go to its room, of course.  L Picard:  (triumphant) Exactly.  Look around, Q.  For one who claims to be soK adult, you seem to be spending a great deal of time standing in the corner,t with your dunce-cap on.i  O Q: (absolutely furious, virtually throwing a tantrum)  You DARE??  Why, I'll...t
 I'll...aagh!!t  > Picard:  Keep it up, Q, and you're liable to get a spanking.    M Q:  (livid)  That's it.  That's IT!!  I'll waste no more time on you, Picard..O The Ferengi and the boy have had more than enough time now.  I'll send you backIA to your ruined ship, where you can be content in your _maturity_.d   Picard:  We're not finished, Q.   M Q:  YES we are, Captain--at least, for now.  (waves his hand, and Picard goesi BAMF)  Pitiful species.l  N (We get to see Picard in the transition this time.  It lasts just long enough M for Picard to say to himself, "Well, however I did it, it got me back."  ThenmL he finds himself back on the bridge.  The camera centers only on his face asL the sight of the bridge hits him.  He gets a good look at his surroundings, 0 and the camera fades out on his look of horror.)   COMMERCIAL III:g  N Announcer:  We're here with John Rambo.  Mr. Rambo, which would you prefer...aM Wendy's hamburger, which is cooked fresh every day, or Hamburger B, which haseM been dragged through a sewer in Hoboken and then run over by a truck carryings toxic chemicals?  O Rambo:  Uh, well, uh, I, uh...I...don't like either of 'em.  They're staring atoO me!  Stop starin' at me, all o'yas!  AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!  (whips out  his machine gun)  O <<<DUE TO TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, WE ARE UNABLE TO CONTINUE THIS COMMERCIAL>>> P   ACT IV:h  L "Captain's personal log:  Although I have managed to trick the Q-entity intoL sending me back to the Enterprise, it appears that I have returned too late.L DaiMon Rol has used his ray on my entire bridge crew, rendering them all butK useless to me.  My only remaining option is to find DaiMon Rol and somehow s' force him to return my ship to normal."e  J (Wide shot.  The bridge is almost literally in pieces, and the crew isn't  helping much.)  E (Picard walks up to one corner of the bridge, where Riker & Yar are.)d   Picard:  Number One, I--  M Riker:  I say, theah, I say, boy, you're goin' about this all wrong.  Now youW7 just come on over heah and listen to what I got to say.    (Yar cuts him off)  M Yar:  Don't listen to that high-falutin' crazy, ya idjit!  I kin give ya all n the help ya need!s  N (Mysteriously, Yar's sidearm is now a six-shooter.  She has two, just like any good gunfighter.)i  & Picard:  I see.  And just who are you?  M Yar:  Why, Ah'm Yarsemite Sam, the rootin'est, tootin'est security officer ta A ever secure an office.  Ah've done more for this ship than you---n  K Riker:  (cutting back in)  Now, now there, boy, you don't need to heah all pM that.  I'm Foghorn Rikerhorn, and I'll handle everything.  Just sit back and l relax.  N Picard:  (backing away smoothly)  Thanks very much, both of you, but I prefer  to handle this with other aid.  E (Picard walks down to Con, where we see Data wearing a hunter's cap.)e   Picard:  Data, I need you to--  0 Data:  (putting his fingers to his lips)  Shhhh.   Picard:  Why?  What's going on?   ? Data:  Be vewwy vewwy quiet.  I'm hunting Fewengi.  Hahahahaha.s  N (Picard gives one of his "oh, you're useless too" huffs, then stalks off.  The' camera follows him into the turbolift.)u  ; Picard:  Sickbay.  (to himself) I hope Beverly's all right.s  M (Sickbay, just as Picard enters.  Many medical crewmen are on the floor, someuN with cases of the giggles, others with looks of supreme horror frozen on their' faces.  Picard looks somewhat puzzled.)t  I Picard:  (loudly)  Dr. Crusher, are you all right?  (No answer.)  Doctor   Crusher, report!  O (Still no answer.  Picard says one tentative, "Bev?", then decides against thate course of action.)  & Picard:  Computer, locate Dr. Crusher.  ( Computer:  Doctor Crusher is currently--  N (The doors to Bev's office open, and Bev runs out into the main room.  She has! a wreath of flowers in her hair.).   Computer:  ---in Main Sickbay.  N Picard:  (ignoring the computer)  Ah, Doctor.  I'm glad you're all right down N here.  The entire bridge crew aside from myself has been affected by a Ferengi! device, that's turned them into--   O (He gets no further.  Bev knocks him down in a flying tackle.  Nothing she says)O is at all comprehensible, except for the many loud "kissy-kissy" noises.  It iswK obvious that she has one thing on her mind, and that Picard, or whoever sheo8 currently thinks Picard is, plays a central role in it.)  & (Picard manages to extricate himself.)  O Picard:  Doctor, this is neither the time nor the place for such antics.  It isb absolutely essential that I--?  O (Bev charges him again, but this time he dodges.  Unfortunately, Bev runs rightc! into a bulkhead and is out cold.)c  M (Picard stands and thinks for a few moments, looking more and more depressed eK about the situation.  Then, he reacts as if he's just gotten a great idea, o6 which he has.  He walks out into a corridor and asks,)  ' Picard:  Computer, where is DaiMon Rol?i   Computer:  Unknown.h  N Picard:  He's not wearing a communicator.  Damn.  (more loudly) Scan the ship  for Ferengi lifeforms.  E Computer:  Working...(pause)  One lifeform, Ferengi, located in Main u Engineering.  M Picard:  Then that's where I'm headed.  It's time to settle this once and for  all.  N (We hear the last half of this line through an Engineering comm panel, as doesG DaiMon Rol, who heard all of it.  He grins broadly, and hits the panel O	 himself.)m   DaiMon Rol:  Mr. Sam?u   Yar:  Whadda yew want?  N DaiMon Rol:  I want to make a proposition that could make us both very, _very_ wealthy.   (Music surge.)  . (Cut back to Picard, heading for Engineering.)  O (He enters.  DaiMon Rol is up on the second level, on the catwalk.  He flicks an* switch, and the doors seal behind Picard.)  M DaiMon Rol:  Ah, Picard.  How nice of you to save me the trouble of tracking  	 you down.o  B Picard:  It won't work, DaiMon.  I know the secret of your weapon.  O DaiMon Rol:  My weapon is supreme, Picard!  I have rendered your crew helpless.e  6 Picard:  My crew, yes; but I still _command_ the ship.  O DaiMon Rol:  Not for much longer, Picard.  In a few moments, you shall be dead.a  / Picard:  You want me, DaiMon?  Come and get me.Y  M (With that, Picard seemingly does the impossible.  He turns around, and walksyI right *through* the sealed doors.  DaiMon Rol is flabbergasted, and that eF emotion quickly turns into heated anger.  He taps a comm panel again.)   DaiMon Rol:  Sam!i  8 Yar:  Yeah!  Whaddya want now?  Ah'm already on muh way.  , DaiMon Rol:  Picard has escaped.  Find him!!  O (Picard is now waiting in a medium-sized holodeck for DaiMon Rol.  Sure enough,u in he comes, fuming.)n  - DaiMon Rol:  Picard!  I've found you at last!   0 Picard:  Such sentiment, DaiMon.  I'm impressed.  A DaiMon Rol:  Tell me--how you managed to escape from Engineering.o  N Picard:  Oh, no, DaiMon.  You started this charade--surely you know its rules.  ? DaiMon Rol:  Rules?  What rules?  You speak in riddles, Picard.n   Picard:  Perhaps.  Perhaps not.'  N DaiMon Rol:  It does not matter.  Now, I have you.  (raises his ray)  You see N this?  It has more than one setting.  (he flips a nasty-looking switch)  Now, M it serves the same purpose as your phasers--it kills.  Goodbye, Picard.  Die a well.   N (Before he can shoot, we hear a gunshot.  A bullet whistles by DaiMon's head, O almost piercing one of his ears.  Pan over to Yar, who arrived in the middle oft% the conversation and is _not_ happy.),  N Yar:  Git away from that varmint, ya long-eared galoot!  Yew said I could kill him.  ! DaiMon Rol:  Picard is mine, Yar!   7 Yar:  Oh, yeah?  (whips out both sixguns)  Now, dance!!   M (Bullets fly, and DaiMon Rol narrowly escapes bearing a strong resemblance tooN Swiss cheese.  Furious now, and having gotten quite close to Yar in the chaos,- he whips up his weapon and prepares to fire.)p  / Yar:  Oh, no yew don't!  (lunges at DaiMon Rol),  M (The two grapple for a bit, with Picard ready to make his move after a winner J is clear.  In the course of the fight, we see the ray switched back to its original setting.h  K Finally, DaiMon Rol gets his arms free for a moment.  He promptly hits Yar iG square on the head with the butt of the gun.  She slumps to the floor,  O unconscious.  Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how one looks at it),'M the shock of the blow sets the ray off, and DaiMon Rol is caught full in the hA face by it.  He drops the weapon and falls to the floor as well.)s  N (Picard runs over to the holodeck controls, and opens a channel for a command.% As he does this, DaiMon Rol awakens.)s  L DaiMon Rol:  (seeing Picard)  You're...you're...YOU'RE DESPICABLE!!!  That's3 what you are!  (advances menacingly towards Picard)s  < Picard:  Computer, initiate previously requested image, NOW!  1 (An illusory pile of dilithium crystals appears.)f   Picard:  DaiMon...look.a  7 DaiMon Rol:  (looks)  Why...yi...yi...yi-yi-*yi*-yi-yi.i  # Picard:  They're all yours, DaiMon.r  O DaiMon Rol:  (breaking away from Picard and running towards the pile)  Woo-hoo! H Woo-hoo!  It's mine, do you hear, mine!  Mine, mine, all mine!  Woo-hoo!  L Picard:  Yes, DaiMon...it's all yours.  Computer, place a force field around- current image, hemisphere--five meter radius.n  < (The field comes up, enclosing DaiMon Rol and his "wealth".)  ! Computer:  Force field activated.e  = DaiMon Rol:  (to himself)  I'm rich!  I'm financially secure!l  : Picard:  Maintain field until told otherwise by me _only_.   Computer:  Acknowledged.  L (Picard picks up the weapon and tries to find a way to reverse it, but can'tM figure it out...Ferengi weapons aren't his cup of Earl Grey tea.  Suddenly, ae
 light dawns.)o  A Picard:  Worf...(leaves the holodeck, heading back to the bridge)l  N (Bridge.  It's still in massive disarray.  Picard enters and walks up to Worf,; who's all alone at Science Two, staring into a viewscreen.)s  ! Picard:  Worf--are you all right?a  5 (Worf has an extraordinarily silly grin on his face.)e  N Worf:  (in a very non-Klingon voice)  I claim this starship in the name of the/ Klingon Empire!  Isn't that wonderful?  Hmmmmm?e  K Picard:  Oh, damn.  I'd hoped your physiology made you immune.  Well, I've nO nothing to lose.  Here--what can you tell me about this?  (holding out the ray)t  N Worf:  (ecstatic)  You found it!  My Illodium Q-36 Explosive Space-Modulator!!= Oh, you wonderful little creature.  How can I ever repay you?i  , Picard:  Tell me how to reverse the setting.  & Worf:  Oh, that's easy. (click)  Here.  ; Picard:  Thank you, Mr. Worf.  (softly)  I hope this works.i  O (He raises the ray and bathes Worf with it.  Worf stiffens, then starts shaking G his head as if just waking up.  He sees Picard, and instantly snaps to   attention.)d   Worf:  Sir!    Picard:  Mr. Worf?   Worf:  Aye, sir.  7 Picard:  Good, it worked.  Well done.  (begins to turn)a  " (Full exterior shot of Enterprise)  J Picard:  (voice-over only)  Captain's Log, stardate 41588.4.  We have now H successfully reversed the effects of DaiMon Rol's ray, and the crew has H returned to normal.  The Ferengi, having lost face through their failed O takeover, have now made a genuine offer for peace.  I have high hopes that thisgM unfortunate incident will be a turning point in our relations with that race.e   (Full bridge shot.)e  7 Riker:  You mean, that Ferengi ray made us do all that?(  H Picard:  Oh, yes.  At another time, it might have been somewhat amusing.  8 Riker:  There's still one thing that puzzles me, though.   Picard:  Yes, Number One?o  L Riker:  In Engineering...just how did you walk right through the doors like  that?d  M Picard:  Ah.  You see, that was the secret of the ray.  As you know, the ray pM gave us attributes of cartoon characters, and one ability nearly all animatedn7 characters shared was that of occasional intangibility.   O Riker:  You mean, you risked your life on the chance that the ray _might_ have i$ made you able to walk through walls?    Picard:  It was our only chance.  L Data:  But, sir...that effect defies all known laws of physics as currently  known.  K Picard:  Yes, I know that, Data, but...I was never very good at law anyway.d  ? Data:  (looking more confused than anyone deserves to be)  Sir?   G (Riker, catching the refereence, grins broadly.  Picard faces forward.)e  B Picard:  Mr. LaForge, set course for the nearest starbase, warp 4.  * Geordi:  Course plotted, and laid in, sir.   Picard:  Engage.