 X-NEWS: spcvxb alt.slack: 1367I Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.0 13.10.90 VAX/VMS V5.4; site spcvxb.spc.edu z Path: spcvxb.spc.edu!njin!uupsi!rpi!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!wuarchive!uunet!shelby!agate!darkstar!ucscl.UCSC.EDU!gristle Newsgroups: alt.slack 7 Subject: Online Pamphlet of the Church of the SubGenius % Message-ID: <12562@darkstar.ucsc.edu> 0 From: gristle@ucscl.UCSC.EDU (Kareem Du Gristle) Date: 19 Feb 91 09:44:00 GMT  Sender: usenet@darkstar.ucsc.edu% References: <12561@darkstar.ucsc.edu> 2 Organization: University of California, Santa Cruz* Keywords: glorp-repellent, anti-pink spray
 Lines: 221    N ------------------------------------------------------------------------------  ) 	   	         THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS   		               ONLINE PAMPHLET( 	                      DISTRIBUTE FREELY& 	                        TO *EVERYONE*  E          excerpted from the Book of the SubGenius by J.R. "Bob" Dobbs @            compiled and edited by the Reverend Kareem du GristleD            of the Church of the SubGenius, Santa Cruz 25 Hour ClenchA                 "Time Control? You've come to the right place..." N ------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                                    B IF you suspect that things are much worse than you ever suspected-  C IF the only thing you've been able to laugh at for the last 5 years -    is the fact that NOTHING is funny anymore-   K IF you sometimes want to collar people on the street and scream that you're 5    more different than they could possible *imagine*-   , IF you can possibly help us with a donation-  E IF you see the whole universe as one vast morbid sense of sick humor-   F IF the current "Age of Progress" seems more like the Dark Ages to you-  M IF you are looking for an inherently contradictory religion that will condone E    megadegeneracy and yet tell you that you are "above" everone else-   , Then...		        ___________________________' 		      |\                           /| ' 		      | THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS | 5                       |/___________________________\|   >                                      could *save your sanity!*    J -Your secret wishes can be granted in full- *once you know what they are!*C 	"You'll PAY to know what you REALLY think."-J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, 1961   ? NOW, AT LAST! The step-by-step process is revealed! THIS IS IT! ?                                - the only "faith" that promises 0  		ACTION- THRILLS- SUCCESS IN SEX AND BUSINESS!  N ------------------------------------------------------------------------------@                     Feeling like there's just no SLACK?			      N ------------------------------------------------------------------------------C 	You may have 'snapped' already from the information disease! ("The J sleep of reason begets monsters.") Look to the High Unpredictables of the L Church of the SubGenius for pancultural deprogramming and resynchronization!M Perfect your subliminal vision -edit your memory- *relive your reincarnality* ' SYNC UP! THE SUBGENIUS MUST HAVE SLACK! > 	Using SubGenius secrets of BULLDADA and MOREALISM you can nowJ MIRACULOUSLY ELIMINATE COMPULSIVE URGES such as smoking, eating, sleeping,I working; end baldness, constipation, sex-money problems, assouliness, and  painful shortage of SLACK!  G 	*Become a Doktor* of the Forbidden Sciences...make religian a kick-ass 5 adventure! Indulge in Self-Help through Raising Hell!   N +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | The SubGenius:							     | N |                 Patriot              Personal             Nurd             |N |                   or                  Savior               or              |N |                  Alien?                 or                Hero?            |N |                                        False                               |N |                                       Prophet?                             | |									     |A |	        	 Inspired Madman or Complete Jackass?                | N +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+  E 	Thought you'd tried everything? YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN' YET! Learn to G THINK BIG! Develop the tricks of Length Extension! Bring your *weirdest  dreams* to rampaging LIFE!C 	Stand erect for you own abnormality. WISE UP! *They're* out to get  you.C 	The "different" are being silenced by a global conspiracy. WIERDOS F ARISE!! You probably already knew that the U.S. Government is a SHAM- H something propped up there for you to *blame*. But did you know that theF *real* "powers that be" are not even *people*? That they are actually < shambling, unbelievable, unmentionable, unthinkable THINGS??  C         YES! JEHOVAH *IS* AN ALIEN AND STILL THREATENS THIS PLANET!   D 	Defy the sinister "Star Forces" which mock us all. Evil demons haveL kept the truth from humanity for thousands of years - God has been misquotedN all this time! His actual words may disturb you...but "Bob" Dobbs is a bulwarkG against the unbearable fear and anxiety tormenting mankind. "There's no  'Prob'...With "Bob"!" E 	"Bob" is a way of life to *millions* - yet *half* of them don't even N KNOW it! He is the one true LIVING SLACK MASTER with the spiritual know-how toN help you BASH THROUGH the locked doorway to FINANCIAL HEAVEN. He is the *only* real Short-Cut to Slack. 	 /    	           SEE ANOTHER DIMENSION ON YOUR TV   ? 	"Bob's" promise is to widen the scope and nature of *abnormal  N behavior*...to explore NEW WAYS of going over the edge *and coming back*. PLUSI to *bring back those who couldn't on their own*...to help you create the  C HIGHEST POSSIBLE EARNINGS from the PSYCHODYMANICS of ABNORMALITY... J to turn Conspiracy-implanted personality disorders AROUND and channel themH into an ILLUSION OF CREATIVITY that will *fool normals* and GET YOU SEX!G 	As you learn more and more reliable, safe methods of Time Control, you L will find your I.Q. increasing - your very cranium will seem to pulsate fromN within, barely able to contain the turmoil of glorious new concepts and mentalL skills. Soon you'll be able to withstand COMMUNICATION WITH THE *XISTS*, ourN *mentors in space*; you will be ready for TRANSFIGURATION into a *new physicalL body*, a more powerful one, built to contain the surging mental and materialF mutations that your brain now generates. YES - become and OVERHUMAN, aK dangerous and feared superhuman of the future! Yet - because your SubGenius K roots can never be forgotten - you won't be able to abuse your powers, but  L instead make them an unstoppable force for GOOD and JUSTICE, choosing always7 to defend the oppressed SubGenius wherever they may be! > 	The world is a turkey, and "Bob" gives you the carving knife.  * Fear THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL no longer! ) Become PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE- overnight!  4 Attain STATUS-LUCK-PROSPERITY by *blowing them off*!   When you join this "Order of the Knights of Wotan," you get a mastery of *fighting skills*...good health, an attractive personality,  ? a WEIRD ABILITY TO INFLUENCE OTHERS! To BEND THEM to your WILL!   I You'll learn INCANTATIONS that lead to MASTERY over FISCAL PLANES... the  D OCCULT TECHNOLOGY of FINANCE POWER...E-Z ways to borrow money - from( *other people who don't have it either!"   	Achieve SHEER GUT BLOWOUT. G 	Our "ascetism" consists solely of the abstinence from abstinence. Give K up the not giving into of temptation! Think thoughts that no human has ever K dared think before. You CAN learn to recall memories from the past that you , had forgotten, or that never existed at all. 	 * 		CONTACT ALIENS BOTH BENEVOLENT AND EVIL!  @ 	The Church of the SubGenius the first and last stand against a - crumbling world filled with Pinks and Glorps. 6 	"SURVIVE THE GREAT CATACLYSMS THROUGH UFO TRANSPORT!"  5 You too can can be a part of this WAVE OF THE FUTURE!     Make *strangeness* work for YOU!# Thought you were 'ordinary'? WRONG. ' Tap your secret Abnormality Potential.  ) Take control through liberated weirdness.  RADICAL INSANITY!   I WEIRDOS: Feel smarter than those around you, but constantly stomped back?S  Receive an unbelievable booklet:    F a very simple deposit acheives *INSTANT SLACK* at a savings of *$5000*8 Unbelievably unusual pamphlets. Damn weird. Totally new.   					Send $1 to:  					The Church of the SubGenius 					PO Box 140306 					Dallas, TX 75214   % and you'll NEVER be the same again...   * 		----------------------------------------+ 		|@@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@|a+ 		|@@@@@@^     ~^  @  @@ @ @ @ I  ~^@@@@@@|r+ 		|@@@@@            ~ ~~ ~I          @@@@@|c+ 		|@@@@'                  '  _,w@<    @@@@|n+ 		|@@@@     @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@  @  @@@|t+ 		|@@@@     @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@  I  @@@|-+ 		|@@@@     @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i  @@@|-+ 		|@@@@     @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | ]@@@|O+ 		|@@@@     ~_,,_ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @    @@@|P+ 		|@@@@    _~ ,  ,  `@@@~  _  _`@ ]L  J@@@|Y+ 		|@@@@  , @@w@ww+   @@@ww``,,@w@ ][  @@@@| + 		|@@@@,  @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[  @@@@|u+ 		|@@@@@_|| @@@@@@P' @@P@@@@@@@@@@@[|c@@@@|n+ 		|@@@@@@w| '@@P~  P]@@@-~, ~Y@@^'],@@@@@@| + 		|@@@@@@@[   _        _J@@Tk     ]]@@@@@@|a+ 		|@@@@@@@@,@ @@, c,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@|o+ 		|@@@@@@@@@ i @w   ====--_@@@@@  @@@@@@@@|-+ 		|@@@@@@@@@@`,P~ _ ~^^^^Y@@@@@  @@@@@@@@@|-+ 		|@@@@^^=^@@^   ^' ,ww,w@@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@| + 		|@@@_xJ~ ~   ,    @@@@@@@P~_@@@@@@@@@@@@|s+ 		|@@   @,   ,@@@,_____   _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@|e+ 		|@@L  `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@| + 		|@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@| + 		|           ascii rendering of          |F+ 		|            J.R. "Bob" Dobbs           |t* 		----------------------------------------   			THE SPACE BANKERS SEE YOU!g 			     THE END IS NEAR!  			    COME GOOD ALWAYS!-  1 Rev. Kareem du Gristle, Santa Cruz 24 Hour ClenchsM -----------------------------------------------------------------------------r