$ X-NEWS: spcvxb rec.humor.funny: 2369P Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.1B4+SPC1 6/9/92 VAX/VMS V5.5-1; site spcvxb.spc.edu> Path: spcvxb!rutgers!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!looking!funny-request Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny - Subject: Field Guide to System Administrators % Message-ID: <S4a6.5a01@looking.on.ca> + From: szielins@us.oracle.com (szielins.US1)  Date: 19 Nov 92 08:25:10 GMT$ Keywords: laugh, original, computers Approved: funny@clarinet.com
 Lines: 419    3 KNOW YOUR UNIX SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR-- A FIELD GUIDE       + There are four major species of Unix sysad:   A 1) The TECHNICAL THUG.  Usually a systems programmer who has been F forced into system administration; writes scripts in a polyglot of the) Bourne shell, sed, C, awk, perl, and APL.   E 2) The ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST.  Usually a retentive drone (or rarely, 8 a harridan ex-secretary) who has been forced into system administration.   D 3) The MANIAC.  Usually an aging cracker who discovered that neitherA the Mossad nor Cuba are willing to pay a living wage for computer D espionage.  Fell into system administration; occasionally approaches& major competitors with indesp schemes.  E 4) The IDIOT.  Usually a cretin, morpohodite, or old COBOL programmer B selected to be the system administrator by a committee of cretins,' morphodites, and old COBOL programmers.       + HOW TO IDENTIFY YOUR SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR:      < ---------------- SITUATION: Low disk space. ----------------  : 	TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor diskF usage, maintain a database of historic disk usage, predict future diskC usage via least squares regression analysis, identify users who are B more than a standard deviation over the mean, and send mail to the? offending parties.  Places script in cron.  Disk usage does not B change, since disk-hogs, by nature, either ignore script-generated$ mail, or file it away in triplicate.  > 	ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts disk usage policy in motd.  UsesD disk quotas.  Allows no exceptions, thus crippling development work.$ Locks accounts that go over quota.     	MANIAC:
 # cd /home< # rm -rf `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`;    	IDIOT: 
 # cd /homeN # cat `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{ printf "%s/*\n", $2}'` | compress    A ---------------- SITUATION: Excessive CPU usage. ----------------   5 	TECHNICAL THUG: Writes a suite of scripts to monitor D processes, maintain a database of CPU usage, identify processes more= than a standard deviation over the norm, and renice offending C processes.  Places script in cron.  Ends up renicing the production D database into oblivion, bringing operations to a grinding halt, much# to the delight of the xtrek freaks.   = 	ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts CPU usage policy in motd.  Uses F CPU quotas.  Locks accounts that go over quota.  Allows no exceptions,A thus crippling development work, much to the delight of the xtrek  freaks.     	MANIAC:E # kill -9 `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9  | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`    	IDIOT: I # compress -f `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9  | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`     B ---------------- SITUATION: New account creation. ----------------  5 	TECHNICAL THUG: Writes perl script that creates home E directory, copies in incomprehensible default environment, and places C entries in /etc/passwd, /etc/shadow, and /etc/group.  (By hand, NOT @ with passmgmt.) Slaps on setuid bit; tells a nearby secretary toE handle new accounts.  Usually, said secretary is still dithering over D the difference between 'enter' and 'return'; and so, no new accounts are ever created.   9 	ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts new account policy in motd. ? Since people without accounts cannot read the motd, nobody ever C fulfills the bureaucratic requirements; and so, no new accounts are 
 ever created.   > 	MANIAC: "If you're too stupid to break in and create your ownD account, I don't want you on the system.  We've got too many goddamn- sh*t-for-brains a**holes on this box anyway."    	IDIOT: ( # cd /home; mkdir "Bob's home directory"B # echo "Bob Simon:gandalf:0:0::/dev/tty:compress -f" > /etc/passwd    = ---------------- SITUATION: Root disk fails. ----------------   : 	TECHNICAL THUG: Repairs drive.  Usually is able to repair@ filesystem from boot monitor.  Failing that, front-panel togglesF microkernel in and starts script on neighboring machine to load binaryF boot code into broken machine, reformat and reinstall OS.  Lets it run3 over the weekend while he goes mountain climbing.     > 	ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Begins investigation to determine whoC broke the drive.  Refuses to fix system until culprit is identified   and charged for the equipment.    3 	MANIAC, LARGE SYSTEM: Rips drive from system, uses F sledgehammer to smash same to flinders.  Calls manufacturer, threatens> pets.  Abuses field engineer while they put in a new drive and reinstall the OS. = 	MANIAC, SMALL SYSTEM: Rips drive from system, uses ball-peen F hammer to smash same to flinders.  Calls Requisitions, threatens pets.A Abuses bystanders while putting in new drive and reinstalling OS.   & 	IDIOT: Doesn't notice anything wrong.    C ---------------- SITUATION: Poor network response. ----------------   8 	TECHNICAL THUG: Writes scripts to monitor network, thenC rewires entire machine room, improving response time by 2%.  Shrugs F shoulders, says, "I've done all I can do," and goes mountain climbing.  ; 	ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts network usage policy in motd. ? Calls up Berkeley and AT&T, badgers whoever answers for network ) quotas.  Tries to get xtrek freaks fired.   < 	MANIAC: Every two hours, pulls ethernet cable from wall and" waits for connections to time out.   	IDIOT:  # compress -f /dev/en0    < ---------------- SITUATION: User questions. ----------------  ? 	TECHNICAL THUG: Hacks the code of emacs' doctor-mode to answer D new users questions.  Doesn't bother to tell people how to start the+ new "guru-mode", or for that matter, emacs.   : 	ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts user support policy in motd.B Maintains queue of questions.  Answers them when he gets a chance,5 often within two weeks of receipt of the proper form.   8 	MANIAC: Screams at users until they go away.  SometimesB barters knowledge for powerful drink and/or sycophantic adulation.  < 	IDIOT: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge until@ the user realizes few UNIX systems support punched cards or JCL.    E ---------------- SITUATION: *Stupid* user questions. ----------------   : 	TECHNICAL THUG: Answers question in hex, binary, postfix,0 and/or French until user gives up and goes away.  < 	ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Locks user's account until user canB present documentation demonstrating their qualification to use the machine.   	MANIAC: # cat >> ~luser/.cshrcN alias vi 'rm \!*;unalias vi;grep -v BoZo ~/.cshrc > ~/.z; mv -f ~/.z ~/.cshrc' ^D  7 	IDIOT: Answers all questions to best of his knowledge. , Recruits user to system administration team.    K ---------------- SITUATION: Process accounting management. ----------------   = 	TECHNICAL THUG: Ignores packaged accounting software; trusts 4 scripts to sniff out any problems & compute charges.  5 	ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Devotes 75% of disk space to 2 accounting records owned by root and chmod'ed 000.  = 	MANIAC:  Laughs fool head off at very mention of accounting.    	IDIOT:  # lpr /etc/wtmp /usr/adm/paact    M ---------------- SITUATION: Religious war, BSD vs. System V. ----------------   3 	TECHNICAL THUG:  BSD.  Crippled on System V boxes.   ? 	ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: System V.  Horrified by the people who ' use BSD.  Places frequent calls to DEA.   ? 	MANIAC: Prefers BSD, but doesn't care as long as HIS processes  run quickly.   	IDIOT:  # cd c:     L ---------------- SITUATION: Religious war, System V vs. AIX ----------------   	TECHNICAL THUG:  Weeps.  < 	ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: AIX-- doesn't much care for the OS, but loves the jackboots.  = 	MANIAC: System V, but keeps AIX skills up, knowing full well / how much Big Financial Institutions love IBM...   
 	IDIOT:  AIX.     C ---------------- SITUATION: Balky printer daemons. ----------------   ' 	TECHNICAL THUG: Rewrites lpd in FORTH.   9 	ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts printer use policy in motd.4D Calls customer support every time the printer freezes.  Tries to get- user who submitted the most recent job fired.s  = 	MANIAC: Writes script that kills all the daemons, clears allrF the print queues, and maybe restarts the daemons.  Runs it once a hour
 from cron.   	IDIOT:a # kill -9 /dev/lp ; /dev/lp &w    8 ---------------- SITUATION: OS upgrade. ----------------  = 	TECHNICAL THUG: Reads source code of new release, takes onlyU what he likes.    > 	ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Instigates lawsuit against the vendor@ for having shipped a product with bugs in it in the first place.  
 	MANIAC:   # uptimeF 1:33pm  up 19 days, 22:49,  167 users,  load average: 6.49, 6.45, 6.31 # wallI Well, it's upgrade time.  Should take a few hours.  And good luck on thate0 5:00 deadline, guys!  We're all pulling for you! ^D   	IDIOT:  # dd if=/dev/rmt8 of=/vmunix    8 ---------------- SITUATION: Balky mail. ----------------  = 	TECHNICAL THUG: Rewrites sendmail.cf from scratch.  RewritestC sendmail in SNOBOL.  Hacks kernel to implement file locking.  Hacksi> kernel to implement "better" semaphores.  Rewrites sendmail in  assembly.  Hacks kernel to . . .  = 	ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Puts mail use policy in motd.  LocksoB accounts that go over mail use quota.  Keeps quota low enough that9 people go back to interoffice mail, thus solving problem.    	MANIAC:9 # kill -9 `ps -augxww | grep sendmail | awk '{print $2}'`p # rm -f /usr/spool/mail/*m # wallD Mail is down.  Please use interoffice mail until we have it back up. ^D # write maxi> I've got my boots and backpack.  Ready to leave for Mount Tam? ^D   	IDIOT:eG # echo "HELP!" | mail tech_support.AT.vendor.com%kremvax%bitnet!BIFF!!!k    O ---------------- SITUATION: Users want phone list application. ----------------   ; 	TECHNICAL THUG: Writes RDBMS in perl and Smalltalk.  Users:% give up and go back to post-it notes.   > 	ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Oracle.  Users give up and go back to post-it notes.  < 	MANIAC: Tells the users to use flat files and grep, the wayC God meant man to keep track of phone numbers.  Users give up and goe back to post-it notes.   	IDIOT:-, % dd ibs=80 if=/dev/rdisk001s7 | grep "Fred"    G @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@C   OTHER GUIDELINES:     < ---------------- TYPICAL ROOT .cshrc FILE: ----------------   : 	TECHNICAL THUG: Longer than eight kilobytes.  Sources the) output of a perl script, rewrites itself.e  0 	ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST:  Typical lines include:	 umask 777aL alias cd 'cd \!*; rm -rf ching *hack mille omega rogue xtrek >& /dev/null &'    	MANIAC:  Typical lines include: alias rm 'rm -rf \!*' A alias hose kill -9 '`ps -augxww | grep \!* | awk \'{print $2}\'`'g4 alias kill 'kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!*'A alias renice 'echo Renice\?  You must mean kill -9.; kill -9 \!*'M   	IDIOT:  Typical lines include:t alias dir ls alias era rm alias kitty cat  alias process_table ps setenv DISPLAY vt100    6 ---------------- HOBBIES, TECHNICAL: ----------------   : 	TECHNICAL THUG: Writes entries for Obsfuscated C contest.? Optimizes INTERCAL scripts.  Maintains ENIAC emulator.  Virtual 	 reality .h  ; 	ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Bugs office. Audits card-key logs.d> Modifies old TVs to listen in on cellular phone conversations. Listens to police band.s  ; 	MANIAC: Volunteers at Survival Research Labs. Bugs office.rE Edits card-key logs.  Modifies old TVs to listen in on cellular phoneu! conversations.  Jams police band.v  = 	IDIOT: Ties shoes.  Maintains COBOL decimal to roman numerali; converter.  Rereads flowcharts from his salad days at Rand.     9 ---------------- HOBBIES, NONTECHNICAL: ---------------- o  = 	TECHNICAL THUG: Drinks "Smart Drinks."  Attends raves. HangspF out at poetry readings and Whole Earth Review events and tries to pick up Birkenstock MOTAS.y  9 	ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Reads _Readers Digest_ and _MeinIE Kampf_.  Sometimes turns up car radio and sings along to John Denver.dC Golfs.  Drinks gin martinis.  Hangs out in yuppie bars and tries toT pick up dominatrixes..  : 	MANIAC: Reads _Utne Reader_ and _Mein Kampf_.  FaithfullyA attends Dickies and Ramones concerts.  Punches out people who sayoF "virtual reality."  Drinks damn near anything, but favors Wild Turkey,B Black Bush, and grain alcohol.  Hangs out in neighborhood bars andA tries to pick up MOTAS by drinking longshoremen under the table .i  : 	IDIOT: Reads _Time_ and _Newsweek_-- and *believes* them.D Drinks Jagermeister.  Tries to pick up close blood relations-- often/ succeeds, producting next generation of idiots.M    > ---------------- 1992 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION: ----------------   : 	TECHNICAL THUG: Clinton, but only because he liked Gore's book.   9 	ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Bush. Possibly Clinton, but onlyh because he liked Tipper.   	MANIAC: Frank Zappa.e   	IDIOT: Perot.    > ---------------- 1996 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION: ----------------   / 	TECHNICAL THUG: Richard Stallman - Larry Wall.a  * 	ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST: Nixon - Buchanan.   	MANIAC: Frank Zappa.-   	IDIOT: Quayle.I    G @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@t   COMPOUND SYSTEM ADMINISTRATORS:     ? 	TECHNICAL FASCIST: Hacks kernel & writes a horde of scripts torA prevent folk from ever using more than their fair share of systemAC resources.  Resulting overhead and load brings system to its knees.B  < 	TECHNICAL MANIAC: Writes scripts that SEEM to be monitoringA the system, but are actually encrypting large lists of passwords.l/ Uses nearby nodes as beta test sites for worms.i  = 	TECHNICAL IDIOT: Writes superuser-run scripts that sooner or- later do an "rm -rf /".q  ? 	FASCISTIC MANIAC: At first hint of cracker incursions, whetheraD real or imagined, shuts down system by triggering water-on-the-brain detectors and Halon system.e   	FASCISTIC IDIOT:  h # cp /dev/null /etc/passwd  " 	MANIACAL IDIOT:  Napalms the CPU. 							     -Stephan Zielinski   --O Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.comfJ Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.   --N Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.comJ Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.  G Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical@clarinet.comuB (ie. jokes which won't be funny if not given immediate attention.)I Anything that is not a joke submission goes to funny-request@clarinet.coms