$ X-NEWS: spcvxb rec.humor.funny: 2709P Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.1B4+SPC1 6/9/92 VAX/VMS V5.5-2; site spcvxb.spc.edur Path: spcvxb!rutgers!bobsbox.rent.com!s4mjs!plts!sdl!news.mentorg.com!uunet!uunet.ca!xenitec!looking!funny-request Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny ! Subject: Tormenting Telemarketers % Message-ID: <S51a.5b5f@looking.on.ca> + From: davidc@montagar.com (David L. Cathey)  Date: 15 Mar 93 09:30:02 GMT Keywords: funny  Approved: funny@clarinet.com
 Lines: 116    < 	     Tormenting Telmarketers - A Game You Can Play at Home!  D 	Everyone has gotten a call from a Telemarketer.  The new Scourge ofJ the Telephone System.  Previously when the phone rang, you always wonderedM if it was someone you knew, or another schmuck with something to sell.  Well, I the time has come to turn the tables.  We need to take control of our own ; phones.  We need to take the "market" out of Telemarketing.   F 	Premise: Telemarketers take the brute force approach to making sales.: 		If you talk to a whole bunch of people, someone will buy 		what you are selling.   B 	Counter-Tactic: Waste as much of their time as you can.  For each> 		minute that you waste means several potential customers thatA 		will not be reached.  Make Telemarketing unprofitable.  Hanging ? 		up only increases the changes for them to make a sale.  Don't  		let this happen!  ? 	Hints: Most of the preliminary stuff is done by someone making ; 		minimum wage, and reads a script.  Let them finish.  It's : 		easy points, and you were watching Star Trek and weren't= 		using your phone anyway.  It's easy to keep them interested @ 		using "attentive grunting", similar to when your mother calls.  	 	Scoring:    	    Basic Point System:. 		For each minute spent on the phone		 10 pts.) 		Getting transfered to someone who makes # 			more than minimum wage			 15 pts ) 		For each minute spent on the phone with / 			person making more than minimum wage	 25 pts    	    Bonus Points:: 		Getting them to repeat part of the "script"	  5 pts/each3 		Getting answers to stupid questions		 15 pts/each ' 		Changing the subject		 		 50 pts/each ) 		Making the sales person angry			175 pts 7 		Making the sales person use profanity	        750 pts , 		Get their boss on the phone, and tell them. 			the salesman used profanity	       1500 pts' 		Getting their 1-800- number			 10 pts + 		Posting their 1-800- number to alt.sex as $ 			a free "Phone Sex" line			 50 pts, 		Checking the number a week later and it is( 			busy or disconnected		       5000 pts  	 	Example:    		<Ring>
 		Me:	Yes?1 		Them:	Hi, I'm with Fly-By-Night Carpet Cleaning  			and we're in your area [...] E [start clock->]	Them:	[...] would like to know it you are interested? 
 		Me:	Sure... - 		Them:	Well, we are currently offering [...] 1 		Them:	[...] depending on the size of the rooms. ) 		Me:	Well, how much for the whole house? 2 [15 bonus pts!]	Them:	Let me transfer you to <???> 		Them:	Sir?
 		Me:	Yes?, [25 pts/min!]	Them:	How large is your house? 		Me:	Oh, about 2,000 sqft. , 		Them:	[...] Well, that would be about $xxx0 [stupid ?]	Me:	It won't hurt the floor, will it?> 		Them:	Oh, no! We use a [...this usually takes some time!...] 			and is completely safe.! [stupid ?]	Me:	Even with my pets? + 		Them:	Oh, yes. The chemicals we use [...] 2 		Me:	Do you have to pre-treat, since I have pets?& 		Them:	Yes, and we do that with [...]> [repeat!]	Me:	But the original offer was for $39.95, does that 			include treating for pets? 
 		Them:	[...] E [subject change]Me:	Well, it is kindof dirty.  The guys were over for 3 			the game.  Did you see the Cowboys vs. the Rams?  		Them:	Yes.: 		Me:	What a game!  That last touchdown pass!  Wasn't that 			a great play?	 # 		Them:	Well, back to your house... . 		Me:	Oh yes, what about moving the furniture?
 		Them:	[...] I [subject change]Me:	Do you clean furniture, too?  Those guys spilled some 8 			beer.  Have you smelled old beer on furniture before?6 			But what a game, eh?!  I couldn't believe that they2 			couldn't move the ball in the second quarter... 			[...]7 [angry???]	Them:	Ahem... Would you like us to come out? $ 		Me:	Well, when could you come out? 		Them:	How about next week?$ 		Me:	Hmmm...  Morning or afternoon? 		Them:	Either would be fine. * 		Me:	Do you have anything the week after?- 		Them:	Sure, can I put you down for Tuesday?   2 [Okay, let's try for those last big bonus points:]  6 		Me:	Well, I don't think it matters, since I have all 			hardwood floors here!" 		Them:	Dammit! <Yes! 250 points!>	 		<click>   P - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ; David L. Cathey		                |INET: davidc@montagar.com B Montagar Software Concepts              |UUCP: ...!montagar!davidc= P. O. Box 260772, Plano TX  75026-0772  |Fone: (214)-618-2117      --O Selected by Maddi Hausmann.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com. J Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.  H Please don't send us requests of the form, "could you please send me theM joke about XXX?"  Yes, we have it, but if we were willing to let ourselves be L a joke server we would spend all day doing it.  We reject all such requests.