5 From:	IN%"JOE@SPCVXA.SPC.EDU"  2-DEC-1991 15:28:52.33  To:	IN%"terry@SPCVXA.SPC.EDU"  CC:	 Subj:	New Cookies   @ Received: from SPCVXA.SPC.EDU by SPCVXA.SPC.EDU (PMDF #12025) id?  <01GDN51U2EN4934S93@SPCVXA.SPC.EDU>; Mon, 2 Dec 1991 15:28 EDT  Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1991 15:28 EDT  From: JOE@SPCVXA.SPC.EDU Subject: New Cookies To: terry@SPCVXA.SPC.EDU/ Message-id: <01GDN51U2EN4934S93@SPCVXA.SPC.EDU> ' X-Organization: St. Peter's College, US  X-VMS-To: IN%"terry"  ) X-News: spcvxb alt.startrek.creative:1377 2 From: sfnet@oliveb.atc.olivetti.com (Steven Ellis)E Subject:Parody: Star Trek THE NEW GENERATION (repost and corrections)  Date: 2 Dec 91 15:36:47 GMT * Message-ID:<76310@oliveb.atc.olivetti.com>  L Appologies for the repost, but I discoverd that several of the best episodesJ were missing. Plus Jon has been hard at play producing more. Thus Season 3% onwards will appear in a future post.   	 	Enjoy...   M -----------------------------------------------------------------------------   K A friend of mine has written several seasons of Next Gen synopses under the K premise that former Doctor producer John Nathan-Turner was producing them.   (Hence any JNT references).   K I thought many of the people on USENET would enjoy reading this though many H of the tales relate to recent events at York University where he studiesO history, (such finiding a working phone, the University's excuse for a library, M and trying to open a tinned Steak and Kidney pie). I am afraid I cannot vouch L for his present state of mental health (I'd guess his History is getting himL down a little), but I certainly have had problems staying on my chair whilst reading the below.  2 If you want any more e-mail me (see below) or Jon.  P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------+ 	From Jonathan Burt	University of York (UK) # 				Internet - JEB2@vaxa.york.ac.uk ! 				Janet	 - JEB2@uk.ac.york.vaxa   F 	The article below can be transmitted by any electronic means, and youE 	may hold one personal electronic and printed copy. You also may make B 	fun, flame, have raucous laughter, comment about, not understand,/ 	or just be plain bitchy about the whole thing. E 	I don't care, I only did it for my friends, even if they didn't like = 	it I enjoyed making it all up. Anything better than doing my ( 	History Degree. (Well almost anything).   	(c) November 1991 J.Burt    "STAR TREK - THE NEW GENERATION" - Trekking as it has never been known before.  The cast of "Next Gen" have been persuaded to take up their roles once more J for an extraordinary new series based upon the old, but taking the conceptN much further.  A new team of producers and writters has been employed to bringM to your screens a fantastic run of classic "Trek" episodes, the like of which # you will never have seen before ...   3 Origonal Ideas (well almost origonal) Jonathan Burt   E "Dworf", Peter Richards co-writer providing the origonal inspiration.   P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------  . Season One of 'Star Trek - The New Generation'  J 1:01  DEAD AGAIN AGAIN - Keleyr returns through the body of the mysterious& Dr Selar, much to the delight of Worf.  J 1:02  SOMEONE ELSE'S BABY - Beverly realizes she is pregnant - and by WillH Riker, at the time when Odan was occupying his body in 'The Host'.  Much( moral and emotional complications ensue.  O 1:03  AMNESIACS - The entire Enterprise crew lose their memories due to a space K phenomenon.  Only Guinan is unaffected.  Can she prevent the nearby Romulan  vessel from opening fire?   J 1:04  A VERY QUEER CASE - Q has a laugh by inverting all the crews' sexualG tendencies - will the romance between Picard and Riker blossom, or that J between Troi and Guinan?  And can Data, who is not affected, persuade Q to return things to normal?  P 1:05  TRANSMOGRIFICATION - To Worf's delight, Dr Selar's body, in which the mindP of Keleyr now resides, starts to change to resemble the late Klingon ambassador.  K 1:06  THE DIET - Riker is now so fat that the turbo lift refuses carry him. 2 With Troi's help the first officer goes on a diet.  J 1:07  CHIEF ENGINEER'S LOG - A day in the life of Geordi.  However, today,K things are not so mundane, as he spends it in bed with his bird, Christine.   L 1:08  THE BATTLE (PART II) - A remarkable follow up to the first season taleH "The Battle".  The Ferengi, led by the escaped villain Amster, return toH wage war on the Enterprise, whom they blame for the destruction of their planet, Ferengus  J 1:09  THE BOUGH IS NOW THOROUGHLY BROKEN - A one-off with Wesley returningM to negociate with exciting race from 'When the Bough Breaks'.  He must supply K them with genetic material for reproduction before their ozone layer decays  completely.   N 1:10  MIND TORTURE - Picard suffers a post traumatic break down as a result ofK seeing a photo of the Borg.  Troi's efforts to counsel him go wrong and the " Captain must face the evil inside.  L 1:11  BACK UP YOUR FILES - The Enterprise is crippled when the computer goesK mad and assumes a male voice and wants endless sex with Riker.  Fortunately E Data can tap into the files to retrieve the emergency back up system.   J 1:12  THE IVORY TOWER - Lt Barclay and Riker indulge in a holodeck fantasyM whereby Riker is the handsome prince and his dream girl the helpless princess K stuck in a tower from whence the prince must rescue her.  However obstacles 9 such as the photon torpedo firing giant stand in the way.   L 1:13  I, WORF - A further power struggle on Klingon Homeworld forces Worf toJ return home, where he stands to be leader.  A lot of back stabbing ensues,I and Worf is beamed up tragically ill.  Can Dr Crusher, still reeling from  having Riker's baby, save him?  H 1:14  REJUVENATION (PART I) - Data and Picard take Mr Spock's evil twin,I Mr Spick, to visit his brother on Romulus.  While the brothers talk about N their father, Sarek who is once more gripping Picard's mind, the two StarfleetM officers decide to look up their old enemy Sela. Finding her address from the M Romulan telephone directory, they arrive at the house, only to find an eldery N Tasha Yar - Sela had lied in "Redemption part II" and in fact her mother still lives on Romulus!   I 1:15  REJUVENATION (PART II) - Data, since he cannot age himself, adjusts J quickly to Tasha being so old and immediately attempts to profess and makeL love to her.  Unfortunately Tasha has long since passed the menopause and isK old that she isn't interested in Data's intruging appendages.  Sela arrives N with a bunch of guards and the trio are beamed to the Enterprise by Riker (TheO Enterprise has borrowed a Klingon cloaking device for the mission). In revenge, M Sela kills Mr Spick and puts Mr Spock in gaol (thus leaving things open for a  sequel).  O 1:16  REJUVENATION (PART III) - Tasha is so ancient that she needs a wheelchair N to sit at tactical - Worf is not pleased at being demoted.  Tasha continues toJ be confused about Data's amorous advances, but Guinan sorts things out by M explaining to Data that this Tasha never experienced the events of "The Naked J Now".  Data is so concerned that he perfects a device which turns back theN years - Riker loses his pot belly, Picard gets back his hair and Tasha becomesL young once more.  She is so grateful that she sleeps with Mr Data to expressO her thanks.  Data, in this classic episode, is thus confused by human emotions  
 once more.  L 1:17  LIBIDO - At first, all is happy on board the Enterprise.  Then Picard K realizes he is losing hair from other parts of his body, and Riker, who has G been spending a break with Deanna, realizes that he is losing something G even more important.  The consequences are so drastic that even Troi is L stunned into silence, Guinan can't stop laughing, and Riker must turn to theL only sober member of the crew on the matter Data, who offers to lend him hisG on special occasions.  What can be the explanation for these mysteries?   O 1:18  THE BEST OF BOTH MR HOM'S (Written by Edward J Lord): It is time for the  L annual visit of Lwaxana Troi to the Enterprise.  However, shortly after beamJ up, another Mr Hom appears and strikes down O'Brien.  Disruptions continueF on the Enterprise, until Geordi and Worf track down the offending Hom.G (JNT: It was about time the series focussed on this great and underused J character, who is seen to have much more depth than previously supposed inM his touching scene with his alter ego, who is known in the episode as Mr Hum)V  O 1:19  ENSIGN RO HO - Christmas time on board the Enterprise.  Ensign Ro dresseseN up as Santa Claus and goes ho-ho when the crew reveal some interesting secretsG and hang-ups through their requests for Santa to  fill their stockings.e  F 1:20  THE BINDING - Worf presides at a touching ceremony in which DataI implants the necessary bits and pieces to Riker and Picard which had beenb lost in 'Libido'  L 1:21  DRUNK TO EXCESS - The Romulans are so annoyed with Mr Spock's constantI interjections about logic that they return him to the Enterprise.  Picard-M invites them over for a peace making party and they party to excess with winetM Picard's brother has sent him.  Meanwhile, Data and Tasha and Riker with Troip& journey for romance into the holodeck.    O 1:22  A ROMULAN TALE - After they've all recovered from the party (see: "Drunk dH to Excess", Tasha, now returned from her romantic trip with Data on the N holodeck, tells both the crew and their Romulan guests about the awful fate ofB the Enterprise C and her subsquent battle for survival on Romulus.  N 1:23  HAVE CONDOMS, WILL SELL - The Enterprise condom machine runs out.  In a N desperate situation, Picard hails a passing Ferengi ship.  It transpires that M they, indeed, have a few gross of the required item.  Due to frantic demand,  O Picard is forced to negiotate a job lot.  Unfortunately much frustration ensues-M when it becomes known that Ferengi condoms were made for Ferengis and not forK humans.n  N 1:24  THE FOOL - Riker takes command as Picard is recalled to Earth to accountH for being ripped off by the Ferengi.  Due to his good relationship with O Commander Padlock, in charge of a nearby Romulan vessel, Riker gets a few boxesuO of Romulan condoms in exchange for some more wine.  Unfortunately he is far tooo late ...  L 1:25  POPULATION EXPLOSION - Because of some unusual properties inherent in K Ferengi condoms, all the women on the Enterprise give spontaneous birth to eG bouncing baby boys.  Can Riker cope?  Dr Crusher's earlier experiences WN ("Someone Else's Baby) help her manage and she assists Troi, now the mother ofI Riker's first son.  Worf and Selar are delighted; so is Geordi, although aM Christine is not too pleased.  Only Data and Tasha feel left out, and so DatatO begins some interesting experiments to correct a fault in his fluid mechanisms.s  L 1:26  HALLEUJAH, JESUS! (PART I) - The Enterprise, now under the command of L Captain Riker, takes back on board the disgraced Ensign Picard and warps offK to the centre of the Universe to interview God (see "Star Trek V: The Final-N Frontier").  Mr Spock comes on board to help out.  Unfortunately when they getO there they find that the Holy Trinity are having a clamp down on sexual immora-uM lity and are not best pleased with the Ferengi Condom Scandal.  They threaten 7 to bring a punishment the Enterprise will not enjoy ...g    . Season Two of 'Star Trek - The New Generation'  K 2:01  HALLEUJAH, JESUS! (PART II) - Picard wins his way back into favour byuJ saving the Enterprise.  He lectures God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit on the J values of logic and the illogic nature of destroying the Enterprise.  ThisM speech, much assisted by Mr Spock, last 40 minutes and bores God into lettinga them all go.  K 2:02  DAY OF THE FERIFFIDS - The Ferengi have grown a space spore which is rK fatal to humans.  Can Riker phaser the lethal plants out of the space lanese before it is too late?  H 2:03  THE BOOKCASE - Riker reorganizes the Enterprise's chaotic library.  M 2:04  NO-HOPER - Inexplicably Wesley has failed all his academy exams and hashN taken to drugs to compensate for his feelings of inadequacy - especially afterM his girlfriend has made some choice comments.  Riker, with Lt Comm Picard at  L his side, warps right back to Earth to investigate and uncovers a snide plot  aimed at deflating Wesley's ego.  O 2:05  ADMIRAL ON THE BRIDGE - The Enterprise receives a state visit from an oldaN friend - no less than Admiral James T. Kirk!   Despite the fact that he is 135N years old, Jim Kirk still finds the energy to pinch Troi's bum, fondle "Bones"O Crusher, have passionate sex with Tasha and fight Data in a lover's feud.  Real M trouble, though, begins when the Admiral overrules Captain Riker when Romulan'N Commander Padlock's ship drops by to take on emergency rum rations.  Can RikerB prevent Kirk from saying those dreaded words - "Fire all phasers"?  O 2:06  PLAGUE SHIP OF MONTANA - Doctors Selar and Crusher must learn a thing or oN two about quarantine procedures when the Enterprise inadvertently crashes intoM a Montanan Plague Ship, upon which all hands are dead.  The infection spreadstO all round the Enterprise, and the survival of a thousand rests on Keleyr, whose L knowledge Dr Selar can tap into.  An antidote is found, but too late to save* 106 crew - including Lt Commander O'Brien.  M 2:07  FUNERALS - Captain Riker promotes Picard to full Commander to help withdM the funeral arrangements.  Unfortunately the torpedo bays cannot cope with so K many coffins needing to be fired out into space and break down.  Much chaos K ensues as Geordi attempts to repair the systems.  Not the best of times foreJ the Cardassians to attack in part of their plan to take over the Universe.  O 2:08  CIRCUMSION - In a touching Klingon ceremony, Worf must circumsize his sonrK Alexander with the fearsome weapon he used to kill Duras in 'Reunion'.  The N boy's mother, Dr Selar/Keleyr, being a Vulcan, half human and half Klingon, isM not so keen on the idea, pointing out the drastic consequences if Worf shouldi slip.i  N 2:09  CHILDREN - A quiet episode consolidating the new family aspects on boardJ the Enterprise and to allow the crew to recover from recent hectic events.L Worf suggests they all go to Disneyland, a place he liked as a boy.  So off N they warp.  Beaming down with the surviving offspring (most were killed by theM plague) Captain Riker determines to have a nice time.  He meets Mickey Mouse, J Troi dances with Donald Duck, Wesley falls in a pond, and Picard strikes aL bizzare relationship with Pluto the Dog.  Meanwhile on the Enterprise, Tasha1 is sulking after the latest failure with Mr Data.   M 2:10  THE SKULL - Warping through space at half impulse, the Enterprise meetsnH a terrifying new race, driving a ship shaped like a skull.  It locks on I tractor beams, but Riker, by rotating shield frequencies and ordering alleM engines to reverse, manages to fly his ship away.  However, as Guinan warns, sL the Skulls will probably not stop there.  They know where they are, and they will be coming ...  L 2:11  OLD BOOT - Riker discovers one of his old boots is missing.  Worf mustI lead a full security investigation, but cannot find the missing articles.aH In the mean time a strange howling noise is heard along the Enterprise'sL corridor.  Despite intense inquiries, Riker and Picard cannot ascertain what: is going on.  This episode leads into the next classic ...  I 2:12  HOUND OF THE RIKERS - Data, fascinated by Sherlock Holmes, finally uH leaves Tasha alone long enough to compare the features of 'Old Boot' to H the detective's greatest case.  Donning deerstalker and pipe, Data with L Commander Picard as Dixon Hill sets out to solve the mystery.  They are onlyO just in time to save Captain Riker from a savage attack by a hologrammatic dog,qO controlled by an ancient Sulu who had stowawayed on the ship to extract revenge M for getting so old.  All is solved, and Sulu is made young again by being puteI into Mister Data's rejuvenation machine (see 'The Rejuvenation part III')e  K 2:13  DISMEMBERMENT - Dr Maddox ('Measure of a Man') finally persuades Data L to let him take him apart in the hope of reanimating his daughter Lal ('The M Offspring').  Despite tearful protests from Data's girlfriend, Tasha Yar, thewO operation goes ahead and succeeds in reactivating Lal.  There are many touchingdM scenes as Lal greets her friends amongst the crew - but her father still liesa# in pieces in the operating theatre.e  N 2:14  DATA THE RIPPER - Dr Maddox reassembles Data, but omits to say he made aL bit of bodge up of the job.  When Data arrives on the Enterprise, his returnN coincides with the start of a series of grisly murders.  Who can the psychotic1 murderer be, and why has Data developed a twitch?s  O 2:15  LAL, LAL BABY - All is sorted out when Lal realises that  the murderer is O not Data but his brother Lor, who has mysteriously invaded the Enterprise.  LortJ is restrained by Worf and handed over to Dr Maddox for punishment for his  horrendous crimes.  L 2:16  AND FOR STARTERS - Captain Riker is cooking for himself again - but a L Fray Bentos can of steak and kidney pie defeats his can opener, and it looks$ as though starvation is on the menu.  L 2:17  GEORDIS - The holodeck goes wonky and starts churning out thousands ofJ Geordis. The crew is threatened when the Geordis start to breathe too muchN oxygen.  Captain Riker is faced by a dilemma - do the Geordis constitute a newD species, and can he phaser them all without getting the real Geordi?J (JNT (Producer of 'Star Trek - the New Generation'): "This is a fantastic N episode for Levar Burton, who plays literally thousands of roles here.  GeordiM had been very underused earlier in the season, and we hope this will make forp it)   O 2:18  ORANGEJUICE - Now it is the turn of the food dispensers to go wrong.  The N Enterprise is flooded by Orangejuice and the crew are in danger of drowning if0 Captain Riker cannot drink enough of it in time.  M 2:19  DWORF - Mysterious machine failures continue.  In a transporter cock-upiM Worf and an away team return to the Enterprise only half size and Dr Crusher eM is unable to stop them shrinking steadily, while Selar/Keleyr is too upset tooM be of assistance.  Meanwhile the Geordis who have put the rest of EngineeringR( out of a job investigate the breakdowns.  K 2:20  HIV POSITIVE - A war with the Romulans is narrowly avoided as Captain5L Riker uses his mediatory skills to defuse an explosive situation.  This was F caused by the transmission of the AIDS virus to the Romulan race by an3 Enterprise crewmember during an illict sex session.e  K 2:21  TELEPHONE CALL - Worf, still half size, runs out of patience with theoN Enterprise's telephones.  Every time he tries to ring his parents to tell themL of his unfortunate plight, he finds the phone is either broken, engaged, outN of use, or occupied.  Finally in a Klingon rage, Worf smashes them all up.  HeK is becalmed up security officer Tasha Yar and the first officer Picard letsw0 Worf use his own private phone to make the call.N JEB (Executive Producer on 'Star Trek - the New Generation'): "This definitely= mirrors my own frustration with the telephones where I work."M  M 2:22  QUESTIONS - Q returns, and at last we witness the confrontation between I Guinan and the mysterious episode.  As the producer commented "This is a aI classic piece of writing, and at last we ask a lot of questions about theiL relationship between Q and Guinan.  Admittedly we don't answer any, but thisK is deliberate.  Not answering questions helps to weave a lovely tapestry ofiN mystery which we are so keen to build up in this series, and always leaves the) way open for a sequel should we see fit."   L 2:23  WHERE NO SKULL HAS GONE BEFORE - As Guinan had predicted, the Skull isK back.  However, in its usual curiously cringing manner, it has come to make O peace.  Negiotations however are upset by the arrival of a space cloud, wishinghL to revenge itself upon the Skulls who are an ancient enemy due to persistentM efforts to make contact.  Captain Riker is faced with a dilemma - to protect  M Skulls or keep the Prime Directive.  The producer: "We hadn't done a PD storym' for a while, and this is the best yet!"f  N 2:24  DELETING FILE SPACE - More mechanical break downs.  This time it is DataO who goes wrong and almost flies the Enterprise into the Black Hole of Tartarus.tO Dr Crusher can do little for the second officer; meanwhile Picard is annoyed to:H get blackcurrant squash instead of Earl Grey Tea out of the continually K malfunctioning food dispenser.  When Data wakes up, his memory is lost.  He 6 doesn't recognise Tasha, and has to go back to basics.  N 2:25  RO-BOT - Mysterious mechanical hands pull switches in a mysterious cubedN shaped ship.  On the Enterprise, Ensign Ro immediately goes bonkers and steersM the ship hard a starboard at warp nine.  When Worf and Tasha finally overcomeeJ Ro, the Enterprise is isolated, in a distant part of the galaxy, and Ro isI found to be a robot, controlled by outside influence.  But who can it be?C  M 2:26  BORGDOM - Riker hardly has time to consider the problem before the BorgsM warp into view and demand, as usual their surrender.  Riker sends Picard overdJ with Geordi to check out the Borg ship while he does the usual things likeJ rotate shields and reverse engines.  Once there, one or two of the GeordisL find a machine breaking device the Borg used on the Enterprise to sap moraleM and bring to the confrontation.  Fortunately the Geordis work out how to turnwM it on the Borg, who being part machine, break down themselves.  They are justh& in time to save the Enterprise, again. iP --------------------------------------------------------------------------------   Well did you like it??& 	There are more on their way to you...   			Steven...  P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------J |	Reality is a strange and often dangerous place, visitors beware	       |P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------= 	Steven Ellis		|`If you were happy every day of you life, you 1 				| wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game-iH   steven@XDML2.ico.olivetti.com	| show host.' -- Winona Ryder "Heathers"P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------