& X-NEWS: spcvxa rec.arts.startrek: 3904J Relay-Version: VMS News - V5.9C 19/12/89 VAX/VMS V5.3; site spcvxa.spc.eduE Path: spcvxa!njin!uupsi!rpi!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!sunybcs!mathews  Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek 0 Subject: Galactica vs. Enterprise Parody (short)* Message-ID: <21731@eerie.acsu.Buffalo.EDU>- From: mathews@cs.Buffalo.EDU (Ryan D Mathews)  Date: 13 Apr 90 06:51:11 GMT1 Reply-To: mathews@cs.Buffalo.EDU (Ryan D Mathews)  Sender: nobody@acsu.Buffalo.EDU > Organization: State University of New York at Buffalo/Comp Sci
 Lines: 204  H I keep hearing so much about the Enterprise vs. this, the Enterprise vs.B that... Folks, you're going at it all wrong! If you're going to do& showdowns, this is how it should be...  D [Scene : The bridge. Everyone except the Captain is in their places,D but something is slightly...different. Mainly the fact that everyoneC is wearing leather cowboy boots and uniforms with fringe. Suddenly, A the transporter doors swing open, and out moseys Captain Picard.]   * Picard : Numbuh One, what do we have here?D Riker : This here unidentified vessel just showed up and blocked our 	path, sir!   + [Show viewscreen. The Death Star is on it.]   ? Picard : Open hailin' frequencies. Unidentified vessel, this is > 	Captain Jean-Luc "Pecos" Picard of the U.S.S. Enterprise. Who 	might you be?  C [Vader appears on the screen, sporting a ten-gallon hat, stubble on < his mask, and smoking a big cigar through a hole cut in it.]  C Vader : [Haaaa-huuuh] Ah'm "Deadeye" Darth Vader, and ahm'a callin' ; 	you out! You says you're the fastest phaser in the galaxy? < 	Well, this here galaxy's not big enough fer the both of us! 	[Haaaa-huuuh]  A [Picard adjusts his hat, looks stoically into the camera and, for C added effect, spits a wad of tobacco juice into the bridge spittoon 
 (sput-DING!)]   D [Fade to opening sequence, with the background music replaced by the7 theme from "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" (You know, . "wee-oo-wee-oo-weeeeee, wah-WAAAAHHH-wahhh!")]  F Picard : Space, the final showdown. These are the trails of the U.S.S.< 	Enterprise. Her mission, to prove to one and all that she's" 	THE FASTEST PHASER IN THE GALAXY!(         "STAR TREK : THE NEXT SHOWDOWN"!E ---------------------------------------------------------------------  COMMERCIAL BREAKE ---------------------------------------------------------------------  [Scene: The bridge]   6 Picard : You think you can get a phaser lock, Varmint?? Vader : Yer damn straight I can. And who you callin' "varmint"? 6 Picard : I was talkin' to my Klingon security officer. Varmint : Yes, sir, I can!- Vader : Boy, that's one mean lookin' varmint!  Varmint : Thank you!D Picard : So you want a piece of the fastest phaser in the galaxy, do 	you? Then draw, pardner!   ? [Scene flashes quickly between Picard's steely eyes and Vader's B completely black ones. Suddenly, Vader makes a hand motion and theF tremendous gun of the Death Star is activated!! Fiery crackling energy? builds and builds until it is unleashed in a BLAZING INFERNO OF ! PLANET-VAPORIZING DESTRUCTION!!!]    Picard : Yuh missed. Vader : Shee-yit! " Picard : Varmint, finish them off!  	 [BLOOIE!]   0 [Picard straightens his hat and turns to leave.]  = Picard : If'n anyone needs me, I'll be in the Forward Saloon.   D [Scene: 10-Forward. Picard throws open the swinging doors and moseys; up to the bar. An incredibly out-of-tune piano is playing.]   ) Picard : Barmaid! Gimme a shot o' redeye!   3 [Guinan pours him the shot. Picard knocks it back.]   * Guinan : So what brings you here, "Pecos"?D Picard : Ah need some time to think. How much longer will we have to: 	defend ourselves from every lilly-livered prarie dog that= 	wants a shot at our title? Just this week alone we've had to ? 	shoot down the entire casts of Star Wars, Buck Rogers, and the  	Wacky Racers!@ Guinan : Probably as long as the folks on r.a.s can think of new 	things to pit you against. C Picard : Damn. Ferever. Well, Ah need to think about it. Or mebbe I ( 	just need to get sloshed, I don't know.  - [Camera changes focus to Geordi and O'Brien.]   > O'Brien : Why you yeller-bellied varmint! How dare you say mah? 	transporters are junk! They're better'n thet disaster area you  	call an engine room! ? Geordi : My engine room is a mess?? Why, you snake-livered gila 	 	monster!   F [O'Brien is puzzled by Geordi's last metaphor, which gives Geordi timeC to nail him with a haymaker. The entire saloon erupts into a brawl, $ and many wooden chairs are smashed.]  ( Intercom : Captain Picard to the bridge!  F [Scene shifts to the bridge. A large white craft is on the viewscreen.= The bridge crew doesn't know what it is, but we know it's the  Battlestar Galactica.]  A Riker : Deanna Sue, what feelings do you git from thet thar ship?  Troi : Well, Ah do declare! I-- F Riker [whispering in his normal voice] : Western accent, not southern!> 	Dammit, Deanna, how many times do we have to go through this!@ Troi [same] : Oh, like your accent is perfect! "Thet thar ship"?> 	You're getting more ornery as this parody progresses. [Raises= 	voice] Ahem. Ah don't think yer gonna like what I hafta tell > 	ya! Ah think the captain of that ship has had more experience 	in this type o' situation.   " Varmint : Sir, we're bein' hailed.  3 [Screen shows Lorne Green in white good-guy outfit]   E Adama : I'm Commander "Ace" Adama Cartwright of the Galactica. I have 4 	decided to put an end to your reign of destruction. Riker : Lissen here, mister-- A Adama : Enough! Lieutenant Little Joe, launch the Posse Fighters!   E [External shot of Galactica shows fighters being launched. Curiously, E they have no roofs, and the pilots are shooting guns in the "air" and C shouting "YEE-HAA! WHOOP-WHOOP-WHOOP!". They fire on the Big E. Cut & back to the bridge, which is shaking.]  
 Wesley : Sir! # Riker : What is it, Wesley the Kid? D Wesley : Me'n "Digital" Data have found away to defeat the fighters.2 	Notice how they keep following the same patterns?* Riker : Yeah. That's curious! Why is that?A Data : Simply because their show was of a lower budget than ours, < 	which forced them to reuse the same footage. I've keyed the6 	computers to automatically fire the next time around.  @ [External shot. All the fighter are destroyed in 1 1/2 seconds.]   Adama : Shoot!  ) [Back to the Enterprise. Picard arrives.]    Riker : What took ya so long? @ Picard : Do ya have any idear how long it takes to mosey from 10 	Forward to the bridge? 8 Adama : Picard, why don't we settle this like gentlemen?# Picard : Are you suggestin' a duel?  Adama : Exactly. Picard : Who's gonna call it? = Adama : I know someone only too glad to see one of us go. Our  	prisoner, "Black Jack" Baltar. E ---------------------------------------------------------------------  COMMERCIAL BREAKE --------------------------------------------------------------------- B [External shot. The Enterprise and the Galactica are back to back.7 Between the two is a small pod. Cut to inside the pod.]   ? Baltar : Now, Ah wants a good, clean duel. Don't do anythin' Ah " 	wouldn't do! MU-HU-HA-HA-HA-HAAA!  F [Baltar begins to count. With each count, the two ships move away from each other.]  * Baltar : 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9  F [The Enterprise fires a load of photon torpedos from its aft tubes and blows the Galactica away.]   Baltar : That wasn't very nice!  Picard : Neither's this.  ' [The Enterprise blows away Baltar, too]   A Riker : Captain, with all due respect, that was lower'n a snake's  	belly! - Varmint : I *admire* lower'n-a-snake's-belly! F Picard : I admit that wasn't the most honorable thing I could've done,? 	but ya do what ya gotta do...when you're the fastest phaser in - 	the galaxy. [Adjusts hat, moseys off bridge]   E [External. A large sunset has mysteriously appeared in space, and the 6 Enterprise rides off into it, to the following music:]   "Happy trails to you,   Until we meet again!   Happy trails to you,   Keep Trekkin' until then!)  Who cares about the Gorns or the Orions? 0  When we're all done with them they will cryin'!  Happy trails to you,   'Til we meet again!"-   [Fin]v  ; There. I hope that settles everything once and for all. :-)1   			---------- Ryan Mathews  ! Internet : mathews@cs.buffalo.edu!& Bitnet   : mathews%cs.buffalo.edu@ubvmF UUCP     :{apple,cornell,decwrl,harvard,rutgers,talcott,ucbvax,uunet}!            cs.buffalo.edu!mathews