% X-NEWS: spcvxa rec.arts.startrek: 164 J Relay-Version: VMS News - V5.9C 19/12/89 VAX/VMS V5.3; site spcvxa.spc.eduH Path: spcvxa!njin!rutgers!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!mcsun!ukc!icdoc!sot-ecs!DS Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek # Subject: Vaxtrek (and no apologies) 4 Message-ID: <11229.9002201145@henry.ecs.soton.ac.uk>( From: dsm89@ecs.soton.ac.uk (DS McGarry) Date: 20 Feb 90 11:49:52 GMT Reply-To: dsm89@uk.ac.soton.ecs  Sender: dsm89@ecs.soton.ac.uk  Expires: 22 Mar 90 00:00:00 GMT   X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.2 PL13] Lines: 1195   
  VAXTREK ! +++++++++++   C   I found this on a bulletin board. enjoy it if you haven't seen it  before .  ) >From asc189 Mon Feb 19 18:37:05 GMT 1990 _ Received: from webster.ecs.soton.ac.uk by gloriana.ecs.soton.ac.uk; Mon, 19 Feb 90 18:31:47 GMT 6 Message-Id: <18600.9002191835@webster.ecs.soton.ac.uk>Y Received: from trice.ecs.soton.ac.uk by webster.ecs.soton.ac.uk; Mon Feb 19 18:35:48 1990 ! Date:     Mon, 19 Feb 90 12:45:26  >From: "AS Capstack" <asc189>  To: "DS McGarry" <dsm89> Subject:  Vaxtrek!
 Status: OR        G Well I wish I could, but I can't claim to have written this but whoever A did deserves praise (and a months holiday in a nice padded room), D for yea surely he is the son of the Messiah known as Terry Pratchet.   Anyway read and enjoy.            N -- Vax Trek V ----------------------------------------------------------------  ;                    VAX Trek V The Movie: "The Crunchy Bits" ;                    ----------------------------------------   N These are the voyages of the VAXShip Enterkey..Its five cpu minute mission  toN seek out and destroy  all slightly dodgy  files...To boldly split  infinitives7 where there's no grammar teacher to slap our wrists....   & Captain's log, CPU Time: 3:45 point 31& --------------------------------------  N Nothing much happening. Had quite a  nice chicken curry for breakfast.  WalkedN about a bit. Went to  the toilet on deck 4.  Ignored a few insignificant  crewN members in red jerseys. Now  sitting on the bridge  writing this log, but  I'm" about to be interrupted by Scotty.  , Scotty: "Scott to bridge..Scott to bridge.."   Jim: "Go ahead Mr. Scott.."   C Scotty: "Cap'n Cap'n...the dilithium crystals canna take any more!"   N Jim: "Alright alright you have permission to divert the power back to the main6       engines and disconnect my home beer making kit."   Scotty: "Thanks cap'n"  E Jim: "Attention everyone, it's jersey colour allocation day today..."   L Sulu: "Aw siiiir...do we HAVE to?? We always end up with same colour jerseys        anyway..."   N Jim: "Listen..this must be seen to be a democratically run ship...The plebs onN       the lower decks have  to believe the allocation  is fair otherwise  we'dN       have mutiny on our hands. Hence  the weekly jersey allocation game.  ButN       of course we cleverly arrange it that they always lose, and end up  with       the red ones."  $ Scotty: "So why do I get a red one?"  N Jim: "Don't you see?..someone important has  to have one to make them  believeM       it's perfectly safe to wear a red one....but of course yours just LOOKS N       red.. it's really  one of  the yellow  ones with  a special  holographic!       colour refractor built in."   * Spock: "It's perfectly logical....Captain"  - Jim: "Shut up Spock, you pointy eared wierdo"   L Spock: "As I am completely devoid of emotion, anger isn't something I sufferN         from...but I would warn you that if you persist in these insults  I'll         kick your teeth in."  9 Jim: "You do value having a BLUE jersey Spock don't you?"    Spock: "Emmm....yes captain"  A Jim: "Any more of your lip and you'll be allocated a red one...."   ' Spock: "sorry sir...won't happen again"   G Lt.Uhura: "Sir,..is my red jersey really a yellow one like Mr.Scott's?"   K Jim: "No...yours is a real red one....you get killed in the next episode.."   F Lt.Uhura: "In that case I'll just resign from the show before the next9            episode. I can get another acting job easily."   8 Jim: "Fair enough...but how do you propose to get home?"   Lt.Uhura: "..But I thought..."  J Jim: "I know..you thought we were in a studio set somewhere in Hollywood?"   Lt.Uhura: "..basically...yes.."   N Jim: "..A  popular misconception....don't  worry  though...we meet  up  with a<       supply ship returning to earth in two episode's time."  F Lt.Uhura: "...but i get killed in the next episode..it'll be too late"  K Jim: "Hmm...Scotty..if we fed the output of the warp drive exciter windings J       into the main neutrino pulse modulator, reversed the polarity on theK       fusion reactor field, and plugged the pacman cartridge into the games N       console in the level 3 rec. room, would that allow us to make  episode 3       happen before episode 2?"   ? Scotty: "No....but if we press this big orange button here...."    NEXT WEEK: Episode 3.    NEXT NEXT WEEK: Episode 2.   ...you're a genius scotty...  
 Episode 3:
 ----------  & Captain's log, CPU Time: 4:42 point 42& --------------------------------------I By a stroke of genius, Scotty has managed to make episode 3 happen before L episode 2, thus saving Lt.Uhura's life. We expect to rendezvous soon with anP earth bound supply ship, which Lt.Uhura will journey home aboard...thus avoidingH the untimely death which would have befallen her if she'd stayed on till
 episode 2.  7 Jim:"Mr.Sulu..let me know when we hit the supply ship."    Spock: "Jim..."   ; Jim: "Quiet Spock!..can't you see I'm talking to Mr. Sulu?"   2 Sulu:"Be fair captain, my driving isn't THAT bad."  J Jim: "Well try not to do so much damage this time....the Federation had toL write-off the last supply ship we hit, and you killed 500 crew members. It'sG just as well they were all red jersey grade or you'd have been up for a  Federation Court Martial."  F Sulu: "I've taken lessons since then...I can steer the ship fine now."   Spock: "Jim..."   6 Jim: "Shut up Spock...I'm still addressing Mr.Sulu..."  J Sulu: "As I was saying...I've now realised that the secret of steering theO        EnterKey properly is to look where you're going...quite obvious really."   L Spock: "Jim..I hate to interrupt your enthralling conversation with Mr.Sulu,K         but the fact that we are about to collide with a large planet might 4         be of considerable interest to both of you."  - Jim: "Hooooooooolllleeeeeeeeeeeee Sh** !!!!!"    Sulu: "..I beg your pardon?"  L Jim: "Quick you fool!..slam on the brakes!..Scotty give us full reverse warp         drive power!!!!"  9 Scotty: "The dilithium crystals canna take it captain..."   O Jim: "Right!..activate the flashing red lights and start up the whooping sirens P         ...this is a red alert...we're going to have to attempt a crash landing"  ( Sulu: "Are you sure we can do that sir?"  L Jim: "Yes you idiot...it's in the script. That big green button to your left>         that wasn't there last week lowers the undercarriage."  K Sulu: "Oh!..so THAT's what it does...ok then..undercarriage lowered...we're 0         going in....hang on to yer trousers...."    G Frodo sat in his favourite chair by the fire, in his comfortable little K Hobbit hole at Bag End, sipping tea and enjoying a good smoke on his pipe.. M It was finest grade pot from the eastern marches, and its full effect was now K coming over Frodo...Gandalf, lounging in the other chair, now looked like a M little pink fluffy elephant, which would periodically flap its ears and float L around the room. Gandalf meanwhile...who was also partaking of the evil weedL FELT like he was a little pink fluffy elephant that periodically flapped its  ears and floated round the room.  M "Like heaveee man...what was that bang I just heard?", said Gandalf..suddenly M sitting bolt upright in his chair and straining to hear the commotion outside  the window.   O "It's just the start of the percussion section.....you know..we're on the third  side now....", replied Frodo.   O "I knew I should never have bought you Tales From Topographic Oceans...and that K bloody record player is an anachronism anyway...you should get rid of it.", M said Gandalf as he got up from his chair and staggered toward the small round  window.s  J "Oh bugger....it's that idiot Kirk again and his bloody starship...they'veL crash landed right in the middle of Hobbiton.", exclaimed Gandalf with faintJ signs of annoyance sweeping over his face. He straightened out his flares,K buckled his sandals and made for the door...with Frodo scurrying after in ae state of bemused excitement....o  
 Episode 2:
 ----------  & Captain's log, CPU Time: 4:50 point 42& --------------------------------------J We have crash landed on a strange little planet which wasn't on any of theD standard Federation star maps...or at least that's Mr.Sulu's excuse.L Until we either fix or replace the burned out dilithium crystals in the warp drive unit we cannot take off.   Scotty: "You BASTARD!!"    Jim: "Pardon???!?"  P Scotty: "You do it deliberately don't you?..you wreck my engines every episode."  : Jim: "Calm down Scotty...I promise we'll get them fixed.."  M Scotty: "..you've been taking a sneak look at the script again haven't you??"c  J Jim: "emmm...er...no of course not...I just get the feeling we'll get them-         fixed by the end of today's episode."s  < Scotty: "...and how do you propose to go about fixing them?"  H Jim: "Well first of course we'll need a landing party...Any volunteers?"   Spock: "I'll come..."T   Scotty: "...och ok I'll come.."-  I Jim: "Right let's go...we'll pick up a few red jerseyed guards on the way:         down..."  H [10 minutes later, they stand outside the EnterKey on what appears to be  a rough cobbled road]  M Jim: "Hmmm..a road eh...a sign of civilisation....set your phasers to 'kill'.y+         Give me a tricorder reading Spock."   : Spock: "Atmosphere: breathable oxygen/nitrogen mixture..."  K Scotty: "..I should bloody well hope so.....and anyway..Federation Standard M         Landing Party Procedure states that tricorder readings of atmospheric C         content should take place BEFORE we set foot on the planet"a  I Spock: "That's Federation bureaucrats for you....Someone should point outgH         to them that it's only possible to take a tricorder reading once!         you're actually there..."e  K Scotty: "but...but...but what happens if the atmosphere wasn't breathable?"y   Spock: "It always is...."i  , Jim: "Anything else on the tricorder Spock?"  D Spock: "Yes I'm picking up some primitive radio frequency signals...         ...here listen..."  D [...it's a brand new dance now...come on baby..do the locomotion...]   Jim: "..primitive indeed..."  + Spock: "I bet she's got nice legs though.."   @ Jim: "Spock!..what's wrong with you...that was Scotty's line..."  ! Scotty: "Never mind that...look!"   H [Scotty points frantically at an angry crowd approaching...led by a tall.  white bearded old man in a funny pointed hat]  ? Jim: "Right ..guards...blast them first..ask questions later.."t  M [The two red-jerseyed guards step forward, arm their phasers and take aim...]   
 Episode 4:
 ----------N [...we left our heroes at the end of episode three (which was actually episode) two of course) in a bit of a predicament..H  Advancing towards them was a very angry looking crowd of natives led by;  a tall old man with a white beard and a funny pointed hat.rE  Captain Kirk gave the order to fire on the advancing crowd before itt was too late....]t    M Captain's log, Star date 4:59.42 (entry made by outdoor battery operated log)h  --------------------------------J We are completely surrounded by a VERY angry crowd of natives...Two of ourI guards have just been blasted by the old man with the beard who seemed to K get rather upset when they first hit him with a couple of volleys of phaserlJ fire. Luckily he seems to have calmed down somewhat, and is approaching meO now..probably to parley....hold on he's getting very close and is still walkingy at quite a pace.....umph!...  F Gandalf: "Oh eck...sorry....eyesight's not s'good as it used to be..."  M Jim: (picking himself up off the ground and dusting off the...err..dust..(forj0         want of a better word)) "That's alright"  K Gandalf: "What were those red things, by the way?....were they annoying youhK         too?...I thought i better get rid of them before they did any harm"l  D Jim: "Those red THINGS were members of my......err....actually no...O         I DON'T know what they were....It IS lucky you blasted them...they weree'         about to attack us all I think"h  N Spock: (in a confidential whisper) "Well done Captain...your diplomatic skills:         might be the best way to get around these savages"  M Jim: "Why thank you Spock...come to my cabin later on when we get back to the 
         ship"m  9 Gandalf: "Stop muttering Kirk....I'm very angry with you"c  1 Jim (spluttering): "How do you know my name!??!?"   H Gandalf: "Remember the old man you used to use as phaser target practice2         when you were at Federation cadet school?"    Jim: "Emmm..yes...that was YOU?"  I Gandalf: "Nope...I was his walking stick. I went through a bit of a phase P         in my early years....just research really...into the day to day lives ofO         inanimate objects....but that's all irrelevant now. WHAT do you mean bye5         disrupting the lives of these little people!"p  H Jim: "I'm sorry about all this trouble we've caused, but we crash-landedJ         I'm afraid. Our engines are completely useless until we can either>         repair or replace our burnt out dilithium crystals..."  I Gandalf: "Bugger that!...we want you out of here by teatime or else we'll $         have to take severe action!"  J Jim: (glancing nervously at the two dead guards) "emm...right we'll do our         best.."   A Spock: (pointing at a small bearded person pushing a wheelbarrow)s+         "I think we may be in luck Captain"    Jim: "Who is he?"e  F Gandalf: "Damn dwarf of course.....They're building what they call theH          very latest in large scale construction projects...the HobbitonH          Megadrome....It's basically an urban bypass, conference centre,I          shopping mall and ring-road all rolled into one.....Groan...whatiG          am I doing..standing here nattering to you lot...I'm off...andh6          I expect you to be gone by teatime remember!"  A Scotty: "Look Captain!..in the wheelbarrow...Dilithium crystals!"p  H Jim: "Right...we'll play this strictly by the book...Spock, remind me ofE         Federation standard code on opening friendly talks with alien"         lifeforms"  G Spock: "Subsection 5, paragraph 39a, clause 1: Hail the alien lifeforms -         in a friendly and diplomatic manner."a  E Jim: "Oi!.Shorty!..Get yer backside over here with that wheelbarrow!"s  K Dwarf: (drawing a rather lethal looking axe from his belt) "Kryvh ne grok!"g  @ Spock: "I think we have a communication problem here Captain..."  J Jim: "Rubbish!..he understood me perfectly! He's becoming tiresome anyway.J         Go and dispose of him with your Vulcan death grip and we can swipe         the Dilithium."'  F Spock: "I see a subtle flaw in that plan Captain... I fear I would notG         get close enough to administer the grip without my arms falling 3         victim to the thrusts of his mighty weapon"B  ( Jim: "..I love it when you talk dirty.."  J Scotty: "I have a better plan.....we could all pretend to run off in sheerN         terror....he chases us...leaves the wheelbarrow...and Spock slips back          to grab the crystals..."  J Jim: "I don't think any 'pretending' will be necessary...but anyway it's aF       brilliant plan! ....ok..on the count of 3...1.2.3...RUN for it!"    4 [**** 20 minutes later on board the Enterprise ****]  I Spock: "The new crystals are installed and the warp engines are now fullyt         operational, Captain."  F Jim: "That's all very well, but we've got a mad axe-wielding maniac ofM         diminutive stature loose on the ship somewhere! He's already minced as%         troop of guards on deck 3..."   ! Spock: "How did he get on board?"I  L Jim: "He chased us all the way!..we didn't have time to shut the door behindH         us!....We'll have to forget about him till later....We have moreJ         urgent matters to attend to...like getting off this planet....What%         time do you make it Mr.Sulu?"t  $ Sulu: "230x9.5.400.45 Fed-secs, sir"  $ Jim: "Give me that in English, Sulu"   Sulu: "About teatime, sir"  % Jim: "Hit the gas pedal Sulu!..NOW!!"e   Sulu: "Aye aye Captain"   I Spock: (Thinking quietly to himself): Hmmm, I'm sure there's something inhE         the Federation Code of Practice about not using warp drive ind5         populated areas.....ah, what the hell........ I         Ho hum.....eh?...That's funny...I seem to remember Lt.Uhura beinggI         taller...and dear oh dear, that beard doesn't suit her at all.....  J Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week...for another thrillingK episode....and remember...In Space..No One Can Hear You Being-Sliced-Neatlyy. In-Two-By-A-Slightly-Upset-Axe-Wielding-Dwarf.  
 Episode 5:
 ----------    Captain's Log Stardate 3.1415927  --------------------------------H We are cruising at warp factor 3 in a previously uncharted corner of the
 galaxy and...a  L Spock: "Excuse me for interrupting Captain, but must you use such simplisticJ and inaccurate language? The word "corner" just has no meaning in relationM to the concepts of space and time, indeed it is even theorised that the wordseF space and time themselves are ultimately just labels for indescribable' and poorly understood deeper concepts."I  , Jim: "....You do the damn log then smarty.."   [**** BUMP !!! ****]   Jim: "..What the..."  % Sulu: "Captain!..We've stopped dead!"t  A Jim: "Not AGAIN!...what have you hit THIS time....Yawn...Bring up]  the forward view on the screen."   Sulu: "Aye aye Captain"r  8 Jim: "I don't believe it.....I just DON'T believe it..."   Spock: "...highly illogical.."  E Sulu: "It would appear to be a large...wall..in fact..two large bricke? walls...meeting at approximately 90 degrees to each other....."r   Spock: "Groan..."r   Jim: "Ok Spock, you're fired."   Spock: "But Captain!"k  = Jim: "No butts....you're off at the next Federation Starbase"r  = Spock: "Wait...this CAN'T be right...let me try something..."o  * [Fiddles with various scanner controls...]  D Spock: "There! The scanners indicate the presence of 3 Klingon shipsD         behind the walls...It's obviously just an image thrown up by         their cloaking device."t  F Jim: "Klingons!..I might have known....but how can a holographic imageH         from a cloaking device actually feel solid?...we did get quite a*         thump when we hit it after all..."   Spock: "Ah....good point"m  I [There is an explosion on the forward viewer and a gaping hole appears incE  one of the walls...through which 3 Klingon battlecruisers emerge...]r  5 Spock: "Bang goes that theory..if you pardon the pun"a  B Jim: "This is getting silly....who's writing this week's episode?"  C Sulu: "Scanners indicate that it's the same writer as for the othero         episodes"e  E Jim: "Ok...we'll trust that he can get us out of this convincingly... G         Anyway....Uhura...open all hailing frequencies and make contactt!         with the Klingon vessels"w   Uhura: "Aye aye sir..."p  = Jim: "...and one other thing Uhura....get that beard seen to"o  G Uhura: (Standing up suddenly brandishing a phaser) "Grrrrr! Ok I've haddO         enough of you Kirk......All of you...over there..and get your hands up"a    J Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week...for another thrilling episode....d  F SPECIAL OFFER: Get your own Tricorder, just like Mr. Spock's, for only#                 2 pounds 99p, from:f  %                 Starship Enterprises,e6                 Mr.Spock's *Official* Tricorder Offer,                 PO Box 42,"                 Pythagoras Street,                 Planet Vulcan.  
 Episode 6:
 ----------    Captain's Log Stardate 42.424242  --------------------------------I We are being held at gunpoint by an impostor who was posing as Uhura, andkJ to make matters worse, we are confronted by three Klingon battlecruisers..  H Uhura: "Oi! what do you think you're doing! Get back over there and keep         your hands up!"   ( Jim: "I was just doing my Captain's log"  / Uhura: "I'll DO you if you don't watch it Kirk"   M Spock: "Little man, if he DOESN'T do the log then Starfleet Command will sendhL         out a patrol ship to look for us. And then we'd be rescued, you'd beI         caught, hung, and then given a fair trial. You wouldn't want thatb         would you?"I  G Uhura: "As long as you didn't put anything in the log that might arousep         their suspicions..."  E Jim: "Oh no no, nothing of the sort....Just the usual stuff about the.7         engines, the crew, the ship in general really."    Uhura: "...Nothing about me?"e  I Jim: "Nope...it completely slipped my mind that you were here actually.."   F Uhura: "Hmm..alright then...but check with me next time you want to do         anything."  F Jim: (whispering) "phew!...that was a close one Spock....how long till5         Starfleet get here with the heavy artillery?"   8 Spock: (whispering) "3.4212 hours approximately Captain"  L Jim: "Damn...how can we hold out here for over 3 hours?...I feel like I need,         to go and powder my nose already..."  K Checkov: "Here Captain, you can use mine" (producing a make-up set from his          handbag)  L Jim: "Groan...Checkov...you must learn not to translate everything literallyF         into Russian...when I say I want to powder my nose I mean...oh         forget it......."s  I Uhura: "Look you lot!..Stop muttering...just keep your hands up, and keepeJ         quiet!" (fiddling with a few switches on the communications panel)I         "Purple Hamster calling Klingon battlecruisers, come in please...o4         Purple Hamster to Klingon battlecruisers..."  K ["This is Brown Envelope to Purple Hamster...we read you loud and clear.."]l  < Uhura: "I have the crew at gunpoint....please come aboard.."  8 Jim: "Why the dirty little!!....He's a Klingon agent..."  ' Uhura: "Very observant of you Kirk...."b  ( Jim: "What are you after ...you..fiend!"  L Uhura: "For many years the Klingons have been trying to capture a Federation4         Starship...and at last we have succeeded..."  G Spock: "...The Federation's greatest technical secrets are incorporated L         into its starships.....they'll find out the secret of the warp driveJ         system.......how our weapons work....how our transporters work..."  E Uhura: "Bugger all that.....we want to find out how to make our doorse         go 'Sheesh'"  0 Jim: "How do you know OUR doors go ...'Sheesh'?"  M Uhura: "It's no use pretending Kirk, we have evidence...It took us many yearst0         to find out, but our greatest scientistsG         built a new sensor device that could be used to detect the dooro&         noises on nearby starships..."  N Spock: (whispering to jim) "..very ingenious....but also extremely pointless..F         ...Typical of the Klingons really....they've a lot to learn...K         ..and it has a lot to do with why we got our own TV series and they          didn't..."  H Uhura: "Shut up.....and stand at attention...prepare to salute CommanderB         F.J.Trouserpress of the Imperial Klingon battle legion..."    < [Trumpet fanfare, as the main doors to the bridge open.....]  
 Episode 7:
 ----------   Captain's Log Stardate 42.5  ---------------------------rF ..well...the entrance of Commander Trouserpress WOULD have been prettyL impressive had he not tripped on the steps and broken his neck. Some KlingonF guards have just arrived to stretcher him away, and it looks as if ourK impostor Uhura has assumed control of the Klingon boarding party. They seemiJ to be taking apart the ship piece by piece in search of the door SheeshingF mechanism, but hopefully we can stall them long enough to prevent them6 finding it before the Federation rescue ship saves us.  2 Uhura: "Kirk? You doing that Captain's Sod thing?"  , Jim: "It's a LOG ....and YES I am doing it!"  K Uhura: "Good...but remember..no funny business...and no mention of anything.         out of the ordinary"   Jim: "Yes yes....don't worry.."l  G Uhura: "By the way, Kirk, if you don't tell us where the door sheeshingsI         mechanism is hidden we'll start systematically beaming members ofa#         your crew into deep space."0  I Jim: "You fiend....you'll never get away with this!...and a triple fangedaH         swamp Norgoid from the planet Barf couldn't drag the information         out of me..."i  J Uhura: "..sorry...did I not mention that you'd be the first to be beamed?"  F Jim: "..Ah....It's under the cistern in the toilet complex on deck 3b"  M Uhura: "I knew you'd come round to my way of thinking Kirk.....Guards!..watche'         them carefully til I get back."a  I [The Uhura impostor leaves the bridge, leaving two Klingon guards to keepg'  an eye on the Enterprise crew members].  O Jim: "That should give us some breathing space....let's see now..236 cubicles..nL         at 1 cistern per cubicle...that's 235 cisterns...and at say 1 minute+         to search each one...that makes..."9  < Spock: "Excuse me Captain...shouldn't that be 236 cisterns?"   Jim: "Should it?"y  L Spock: "Well usually it has been my experience that 236x1 is 236, thus sinceJ         there are 236 cubicles, with 1 cistern per cubicle, that must mean         there are 236 cisterns"e  I Jim: "Are you sure you can do it that way?...I remember actually countinghK         all the cisterns one day, just in case it might come in useful, andbH         I'm pretty sure there were 235.....though I suppose I could have         miscounted......"   M Spock: "....yes well let's just say that if Uhura searched every one it would M         take something approaching 4 hours...but you really have to take intorM         account that on average he really only needs to search half of them...J         indeed..we might be unlucky and he might find it straight away..."  J Jim: "Basically you're saying we have a completely indeterminate amount ofK         breathing space.....ok let's make the best of it...Spock, remind meiM         of Federation Standard Code on Dealing With Klingon Boarding Parties"'  3 Spock: "Look it up yourself...there's the manual.."t   Jim: "Spock!.That's an order!"  G Spock: "Listen...I'm not here to act as a walking library for you, justhL         because you're too lazy to pick up a book and read it for yourself..K         The Vulcan mind is for higher things...I didn't want to be a ship'svH         Science Officer anyway....I wanted to be a lumberjack...stridingH         through the forests of British Columbia...the maple, the larch..#         the mighty Scots Pine!...."a  = Jim: "Hold him down!...he's taken one of his funny turns...."i  < [They all leap on top of Spock and pin him to the floor....]  K Spock: [muffled under a pile of bodies] "...I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK..."g  9 Bones: "Keep him still while I administer the injection!"t  D Spock: "....I wish I'd been a girlie..just like my dear papa......."  J Bones: "He should be out cold for about ten minutes, but hopefully when he,         wakes up he'll be back to normal..."  : Scotty: "By the way, Dr.McCoy, where did you appear from?"  F Bones: "I've been here all the time...I just haven't had any lines for         quite a while."i  H Scotty: "Me neither...do you think they're trying to write us out of the         series?"  H Jim: "Quiet you two...the Klingon guards are watching us suspiciously.."  F Scotty: "Maybe if we created a commotion over here as if one of us wasI         going seriously mad, they'd come over and we'd jump up and disarmC         them..."    Jim: "Damn...damn damn damn...."   Bones: "What is it?"  O Jim: "We did that bit all wrong....Scotty should have said his last line BEFORE          Spock went cuckoo"  ? Bones: "We'll have to think of something else then....emmm...."s  ! Checkov: "I have an idea Captain"a  ? Jim: "Oh shut up Checkov, can't you see we're trying to think!"-  ! Checkov: "But it might just work"e  K Jim: "Checkov, be QUIET!.....Now Bones, how about if we all started singingaJ         and dancing? They'd come over to see what we were doing, then we'd         jump on them."  I Bones: "They weren't very interested in the commotion Spock caused...so I J         reckon they've been warned about any such tricks we might play..."  ) Jim: "Oh alright Checkov....out with it!"   K Checkov: "This is a bit of a long shot Captain, but why don't we just blast          them with our phasers?"   L Jim: [Sarcastically] "VERY clever Checkov....and I suppose if YOU boarded anH         enemy ship and took its crew prisoner, you'd let them keep their         weapons?"t   Checkov: "....THEY did...."o  2 Jim: "Don't be stu...uh!......I DON'T believe it!"  ! Checkov: "Can I fire first then?"n  G Jim: "No, I'll shoot first.....ready?...set phasers to kill.....fire!!"m  L [The two Klingon guards are instantly vapourised...along with a good deal ofG  very essential, and very expensive communications and sensor equipment L  in the panels behind them...(This has no significance to any future turn inM  the story..I just thought I'd mention it to show you that we're not skimpingp  on the special effects)]o  ! Jim: "Right!...to the turbolift!"a  L [They all leap across the floor and make for the double doors at the back of  the bridge..]   [Sheesh...].   [aaaaaaaaaaargh!!]  E Find out next week what they found in the turbolift....was it Spock'sdK used underwear? Was it Scotty's pet haggis? ....Can you stand the suspense?tL Can I think up something convincing?....Will Bones and Scotty get more lines@ to say?......Just tune in next week and all will be answered....  
 Episode 8:
 ----------  
 [Sheesh..] [Aaaaaaaargh!]G ....forgetting that the turbolift would not actually BE there at bridgerG level, they all charge through the door and fall down the lift shaft...uB ....luckily only about 16 feet down, they meet the lift coming up,9 and land with a resounding OOOOOMPH! on something soft...h   Jim: "What the..."  7 Scotty: "...where did all these jerseys come from??!!?"   M Jim: "...your guess is as good as mine Scotty......wait a minute..they're all 4         yellow or blue....this is VERY suspicious.."    Bones: "ah!....so it's true...."   Jim: "What is?"   M Bones: "I've been hearing rumours that there's an illegal black market on theTM         lower decks, dealing in non-red jerseys......but up till now I hadn'ts          given it much credence."  ' Checkov: "That's a big word Dr.McCoy..".  P Jim: "Shut up Checkov... I bet those two new Italian crew members, NickedyatelliL         and Videonasti have got something to do with it......Damn suspiciousO         pair of characters they are....hanging around the rec. rooms with their,-         dark glasses and their violin cases."   D Bones: "..yes but I wonder where they got all these jerseys from..."  G Jim: [Holding one up for close examination] "ha!...by the look of them,aN         they've knitted them themselves........How on earth they expect ANYONE=         to think they'll pass as real jerseys I don't know.."'   Scotty: "Cough..."  # Jim: "What's the matter Scotty?..."h  N Scotty: "uh...oh..nothing cap'n..." [fiddling frantically with some loose endsJ         of wool from his own jersey....which interestingly is yellow today#         rather than his usual red.]n  = Bones: "Sssh!...listen...Uhura has returned to the bridge...".  I [There is some cursing and swearing from below.....followed by an "aha!",-G  followed by the sound of an unconscious Vulcan being kicked by someoneeO  posing as a starship's communications officer in a red dress with a very shorte  skirt.]  P Spock: "...oooooooer....what the...uuugh...get your hands off me you evil little
         man!"c  ) Uhura: "Where are your comrades, fool??!"e  M Spock: "Comrades?...ah so that's it..you're some kind of pinko commie marxiste         aren't you?"   Uhura: "What!?"l  K Spock: "It won't work you know...it all depends on properly integrating theuN         original class ridden social structure into a single party state whereM         absolute individual equality is the ideal. However, in order for thisdH         to have some degree of control, someone has to be a leader, thusK         immediately destroying the original founding principle of equality.dL         Mind you, past cases show categorically that this form of government3         wins you more medals at the Olympic games."   O Uhura: [Waving his phaser menacingly] "Look...I've had just about enough of you 8         ...anyway I've found what I was looking for...."  + Spock: "...what? the door sound mechanism?"r  E Uhura: "..Yes...though I must admit I'd have thought the Federation'shL         technology was a BIT more advanced than an old battery operated tape6         recorder stuffed under a lavatory cistern...."  B Spock: "Yes well, admittedly it's a bit 'low-tech' but we like it"  M Uhura: "Well I can't stand around all day wasting my time with you...I'm off"r  $ Spock: "You mean you're leaving?..."  N Uhura: "...that's USUALLY what one means when one says 'I'm off'...rather thanO         'I'm decomposing and smelling quite badly'...obviously from the contexth/         you can tell I didn't mean the latter."i   Spock: "..Oh I dunno..."  M Uhura: "....Just for that I'm going to make sure this ship and all crew on ittI         are blown to smithereens as soon as I beam back on to the Klingonn         flagship."  G Jim: "Hold it right there..." [Throwing a spare phaser across to Spock]    Spock: "Well done Captain.."  O Jim: "Now drop your weapon Uhura.....and CAREFULLY put the tape recorder on thel6         floor...then raise your hands above your head"   Uhura: "grrr.."   ) Checkov: "It's just like in the movies..".  K [Suddenly three globular entities begin to materialise in the centre of thea  bridge...]a  L 1st Being: "Greetings,... we are the Nurbs of Morris Minor, Guardians of theK         Floating Point Exception, Supreme Nobless of the Sheep Squeezers ofg=         Splatigan Five, and utter Overlords of the Universe."a  * Jim: "...emm..shouldn't that be 'Nobles'?"  L 1st Being: "..well..no actually..'Nobless'...it's a bit embarrassing really"  N Jim: "Look..we're a bit busy at the moment..." [consulting a small black book]5         "...could you come back in the next episode?"'  ' 1st Being: "2 o'clock, next Wednesday?"o  L Jim: "Yes...we should be able to fit you in about then...I'll make a note of         that...see you then"  E [The three globular beings vanish as interestingly as they arrived..]n   Jim: "Right where were we?"'  I Checkov: "We were about to lock up this impostor in the brig until we getmE         to a starbase where he'll be tried for spying, hijacking, andh         treason.".  N [There is a flash...and a puff of thick smoke...When the smoke clears, a small=         pile of ash lies on the floor where Uhura once stood]n  K Jim: [re-holstering his phaser] "..Honestly...I just CAN'T be bothered withb         damn formalities.."e    H Will Spock be awarded an honorary degree in Politics and Social Studies?I Will Nickedyatelli and Videonasti get their knitting patterns sorted out?t$ Will Jim get a chance to do his log?  O *******************************************************************************D  7                        VAX-Trek II-The Search For Spocke7                        ================================ ;                    (Ed. May I suggest SEARCH *.* Spock ???)'  N These are the voyages of the  VAXship Enter-Key...It's 10 CPU minute  mission-N To seek out and destroy new files and new subdirectories...to boldly go  where no diskhead has gone before...  # Captain's log: CPU Time 00:09:50:45e# -----------------------------------sN After a  surprise attack  from a  Plingon Installed  Image, the  Enter-Key  isN drifting damaged and powerless in virtual  address space. A direct hit on  theN main kernel  mode  drive unit  has  corrupted the  stack  pointer...and  untilN Scottie can find a way of fixing it we are a sitting duck for further  PlingonN attack. To  make matters  worse, our  allotted CPU  time will  run out  in  10& seconds.... so time is of the essence.  # Captain's log: CPU Time 00:09:55:34i# -----------------------------------oN Our hopes were raised when Scottie discovered $ADJSTK in the system  servicingN manual. Theoretically it SHOULD have let  him re-adjust the stack pointer  andN re-activate  the  kernel  mode   drive....but  all  it   did  was  link   in aN joystick/games paddle driver to the IO  ports. After this set-back Scottie  isN pursuing  other  avenues   of  investigation.......again...time   is  of   the
 essence...    6 Scottie:"Mr. Scott to bridge...Mr. Scott to bridge..."  J Jim:"Yes Scottie..what is it?...by the way..all that 'Mr. Scott to bridge'?      nonsense isn't necessary when you're standing next to me!"!  H Scottie: "Emm..Sorry Cap'n...I've had a thought Cap'n....If only we wereN           aboard a detached-process vessel..we would  at least have more  time&           to sort out this problem..."  O Jim: "But we ARE Scottie....However..Direct orders from Starfleet Command  havenG       limited even detached-process vessels to the 10 CPU minute limit"   N Scottie:"Damn....never mind...I think I may have a solution...if I can somehowN          re-route the primary output from the di-lithium diskpacks through theN          DEBUG utility then I think it might just generate enough power to get$          us out of this situation.."  , Jim: "Get to work on it right away Scottie!"  M Scottie: "Aye Aye Cap'n......emm..but there is ONE small problem...We'll need N           to jettison excess weight in order to make it....I calculate that ifM           we jettison the 11/44, and 300 crew members we might just make it."   N Jim: "Mmm...ok Scottie...Jettison all the ones that wear red  jerseys...except#      of course you and Lt. Uhura.."l   Scottie: "Aye Aye Cap'n"    # Captain's log: CPU time 00:09:59:55e# -----------------------------------uN CPU Time is  rapidly running  out...Mr Scott  is close  to a  solution to  theN problem but it may be too late. I have given orders to Uhura to open a  DECnet: link to Starfleet Command informing them of our situation.    4 Scottie: "Mr. Scott to bridge...I've done it Cap'n!"   Jim: "Well done Scottie!!..."   L Scottie: "I've re-activated the kernel mode drive...the di-lithium diskpacksN           are over-heating a bit but she  should give us at least half  normal?           power...enough to make it to the nearest Starbase...".  " Jim: "You're a genius Scottie...."  , Scottie: "Thank you Cap'n....Mr. Scott out."  4 Jim: "Helmsman...Take us home...Page fault factor 3"   Sulu: "Aye Aye Cap'n"e  4 Jim: "By the way...does anyone know where Spock is?"  < Sulu: "We were supposed to be searching for him weren't we?"  J Jim: "Woops...So we were!...Never mind, we'll do that in the next episode"  O *******************************************************************************s  H In the beginning there was a void.....a dark, absolute void...a place of utter emptiness.... % ..and it was pretty quiet as well.....4 THEN...suddenly ....out of the blue came a voice....  D Space.....The final frontier...These are the voyages of the StarshipB Enterprise....It's five year mission, to seek out new life and new< civilisation....to boldly go where no man has gone before...  E then something indeterminate flashed past at huge speed...yes..it was  vax trek part 15....  A     ___-___  o==o=======  . . . . .             "Shuttle craft to.@  =========== ||//                           Enterprise:..WAIT!!"-          \ \_|//__                         <=c          #_______/  3         "Sulu, it's those 142 red jerseyed guards..t&          Give us warp factor 6...NOW!"    ?                 Star Trek VII, The Movie: "The Interesting Bit"u>                 ----------------------------------------------  	 Episode 7a	 ---------!  = [The two guards push Scotty and Sulu into the detention cell]n  ( 1st Guard: "Now you two behave yourself"  % 2nd Guard: "Yeah...no funny business"   A [They switch on the invisible force barrier and walk off down then	 corridor]d  ( Scotty: "WHAT are we going to do now?!!"  C Sulu: "I dunno...we've got big probs....If we don't get out of heren; soon then we'll have no chance of stopping it all happeningeA again....and I don't fancy another trip through that black hole."i  E Spock: [who has just appeared in the corridor] "Your worries are over 
 gentlemen"  1 Scotty: "Spock!..how did you get off the bridge?"   E Spock: "I was inside the computer cabinet remember?..Well I heard allL= the commotion on the bridge...so I crawled through one of theeD ventilation ducts...which came out just along the corridor there....A Incidentally, that duct is alive with tribbles...I thought we hadt eradicated them?"   F Scotty: "Aye....I thought I had beamed the whole kit and kaboodle over@ on to that Klingon starship.....but obviously some must have got2 away.........Anyway...can you get us out of here?"  D Spock: "Well it's a bit tricky...the force field will only come downD if I enter the correct combination on the keypad.....Alternatively IA could take a more brute force approach..." [producing a soldering E iron, he proceeds to remove the force field control panel and re-wireo1 its innards in a reasonably destructive manner..]t  ; Sulu: "Hurry Mr.Spock...I don't think we have much time..."r  : Spock: "Almost there.......almost there...just one more b"E [At that moment Spock suddenly dematerialises, with a bemused look onn	 his face]l  F Sulu: "Damn!....we're going to be too late!.....and the force field is still up..."  C [Scotty charges at the force barrier.....and BOINNNNNGGGG!..bouncesd) off and hits the far wall of the cell...]   F Scotty: [Looking a bit dazed] "....it's no use...well never get ou..."  F [At that moment there is a huge explosion from the force field controlE panel which showers bits of invisible force barrier all over the cell  and adjoining corridor...]  E Sulu: [spitting out fragments of force field] "wow!...I've never seenp2 an invisible force barrier explode like THAT!...."  D Scotty: "Pretty impressive I must say....and eminently conceptual.."  D Sulu: "Anyway..let's go!....I want to stop off at my cabin round the corner first though..."a   Scotty: "Eh? .."  E [Sulu dashes into his cabin and emerges holding a bottle of vegetableb oil and a fencing sword...]o   Scotty: "Ah!...I see...."'  F [As they charge down the corridor Sulu discards his jersey and emptiesD the contents of the bottle over himself......Two guards coming roundE the corner are so startled that the starfleet insignia drop off theiryD jerseys in sheer surprise....and by mere reflex action their phasersB are flicked to 'kill' and two lethal bolts are unleashed after the% rapidly departing Sulu and Scotty...],  9 Scotty: "..In the name o' the wee man!...that was CLOSE!"n  " Sulu: "Too right!...keep running!"  @ Scotty: "Wait a minute..!!...we passed that same corridor just a2 minute ago!..We must be going round in circles..."  @ Sulu: "...Don't worry....I think it has something to do with the budget for the film set..."e   Scotty: "Ah!..ok..."  . Sulu: "There's the turbolift door up ahead!.."   [They jump into the lift...]   Scotty: "Bridge"   Lift: "Bridge what?"   Scotty: "Please!"*  > Lift: "That's better....Now a few manners don't hurt do they?"  D Scotty: "Grrr...I wish these lifts came under my jurisdiction in the+ Engineering section...I'd soon FIX them..."=   Lift: "I heard that..."   ' Sulu: "Are we at the Bridge level yet?"?  7 Lift: "Yes...You can get off now...and good riddance.."s  D [The turbolift doors open and Scotty and Sulu step on to the Bridge]  0 "SURPRISE!!!!!!": shouts everyone on the Bridge.  F Jim: [..wearing a party hat, steps forward and hands a present to Sulu! and Scotty..] "Happy birthday!.."   K Scotty: "Why, you rotten..." [the grim look on his face slowly turning intoa
 a smile..]  G Jim: "Sorry about all the hassle we put you both through...but the onlyuH way we could keep you off the bridge while we prepared everything was to lock you up..."e  K Sulu: "What about those aliens?...and how did you know Scotty and I had the  same birthday?"e  G Jim: "questions questions!!....come and enjoy the party...it IS for you I after all....here, have a sausage roll....but PLEASE..put that sword away  first!"e  K [They all laugh jovially....and the party goes on into the night...which islK a bit of a strange thing to say considering the ship is in deep space where C day and night have no meaning...but I think you know what I mean..]k  <                    *****A NEW ADVENTURE STARTS SOON!!! *****  B What were Scotty and Sulu's presents? What happened to the strangeE globular aliens?...How did Jim know that Scotty and Sulu had the sameoE birthday?..DO they actually have the same birthday?..or was it just at< cheap attempt at a coherent ending to a floundering episode?  M All these questions...and many more.. won't be answered in the next thrilling' installment....e       ***************************c  * here you are then if it'll keep you happy!    K ===========================================================================D1    ___                :  Fred The Pious (Cleric )i.  //  /\       ___     :  dsm89@uk.ac.soton.ecs /    | |     //  \    :i/ \_\  \/     //-\  |   :  'Life - Who needs it 't   /__ \    //   \ |   :   @  {   )  \ //     \|   : DISCLAMER : Ignore anything that I say -@  {    \  //           :             I'm Completely mad (ho hum). The Grim Reaper Cometh: K ===========================================================================t