& X-NEWS: spcvxa rec.arts.startrek: 2977J Relay-Version: VMS News - V5.9C 19/12/89 VAX/VMS V5.3; site spcvxa.spc.eduT Path: spcvxa!njin!princeton!udel!wuarchive!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!sunybcs!mathews Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek 0 Subject: Back to the Future, the Next Generation* Message-ID: <20457@eerie.acsu.Buffalo.EDU>- From: mathews@cs.Buffalo.EDU (Ryan D Mathews)  Date: 2 Apr 90 06:35:21 GMT 1 Reply-To: mathews@cs.Buffalo.EDU (Ryan D Mathews)  Sender: nobody@acsu.Buffalo.EDU > Organization: State University of New York at Buffalo/Comp Sci
 Lines: 717  H At least a month ago, some one issued a challenge to write a Back to theF Future/TNG parody. I immediately decided to take him up on it. Here isH the result. This is not a TNG meets BTF story. Instead, this is BTF doneK with the TNG characters. Or something like that. Well, there's time travel.   F This is different from almost every ST parody I've read so far in thatG it has a coherent plot. Or at least a plot, at any rate. Whether that's C good or bad is for you to decide. Oh, yeah, this contains the usual C shots at current r.a.s topics, fake ads, Wesley bashes, Troi sexual D remarks. But I've tried to do them in new and exciting ways! And get6 this folks: Q ISN'T IN IT! How's that for originality?F ----------------------------------------------------------------------) 		Back to the Future, the Next Generation  			   by Ryan Mathews   > [Opening scene : shuttlebay. Wesley is there with the arrogant? scientist Dr. Stubbs, from "Evolution". The two are examining a  shuttlecraft.]  : Wesley : So what you're saying is that this is no ordinary 	shuttlecraft.' Stubbs : Nosiree, young whippersnapper! ) Wesley : I asked you not to call me that! > Stubbs : Sorry. Anyway, this shuttle can do something no other8 	shuttle can do! When it hits .88 impulse power, special? 	circuits are activated that allow the craft to travel in time! 9 Wesley : Wow! Time travel! I thought that was impossible! B Stubbs : It was until just a few days ago. You're the first person 	I've told. % Wesley : Gosh! What an honor! Why me? E Stubbs : Because you're a bright young boy. In fact, you're a genius. < 	And that pisses me off. This is my way of saying "I'm still 	smarter then you are!" E Wesley : Gee whiz, Dr. Stubbs, I want to grow up to be just as snotty  	and arrogant as you are! D Stubbs : Well, son, you're damned annoying, so you're getting there.) Wesley : When will we get to see it work? , Stubbs : I'm planning a test drive tomorrow.( Wesley : Oo! What time are you going to?> Stubbs : Well, remember how much I like baseball? I'm going to; 	watch the last baseball game ever played, exactly 25 years * 	ago. That was just before the big strike.8 Wesley : That must have been what killed the sport, huh?A Stubbs : No, actually they're still on strike. They claim to have > 	made some headway on salary arbitration, but...anyway, that's 	where I'm going. ( Wesley : Say, can I have your autograph?$ Stubbs : Sure thing! You have a pen?  7 [Wesley fishes in his pocket and comes up with a hypo.]   D Wesley : Haha! Isn't that silly! I grabbed for one of Mom's pens and; 	instead grabbed a conveniently full hypo of tricordrazine!  	I wonder why that happened?  = [CRASH! A security team, led by Worf, enters the shuttlebay.]   E Stubbs : Oh no. They've found me. I don't know how, but they've found  	me! Wesley : Doc, what's wrong? B Worf : This man is under arrest for the theft of several dilithium2 	crystals! And also for being snotty and arrogant!? Stubbs : I'm a Federation Expert! I'm supposed to be snotty and 
 	arrogant!+ Worf : Nevertheless, you're coming with us! 0 Stubbs : You'll never take me alive you fascist-  D [Worf phasers him. The bolt knocks him into Wesley, who accidentally5 shoots the whole load of tricordrazine into his leg.]    Wesley : KILLERS! MURDERERS!  F [He jumps in the shuttle and takes off, breaking the seal. Everyone isA blown out into space, except for Worf and Stubbs. Fade to opening 
 sequence.]F ---------------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK  F Some things in life just go together. Peanut butter and jelly. Popcorn* and movies. Time travel and Tricordrazine.  D Yes, whenever you find someone zipping back in time to destructivelyF alter history, you'll find Tricordrazine nearby. Most likely in nearly lethal overdoses.   E Remember, you don't have to be paranoid and zonked to travel in time.  But it sure helps.  E This message brought to you by Medallin-Chem, makers of Tricordrazine  and Tricordrazine Lite. F ----------------------------------------------------------------------  @ [Scene : Exterior view of the Enterprise in orbit around Earth.]  B Picard [Voice Over] : Captain's Log, Stardate 45678.9. We...wait a> minute, is that right? Hmm, I wonder what the odds are of thatC happening-shut up, Data. We have returned to Earth for some routine 6 repairs, including the food synthesizers and holodeck.  , [Cut to ready room, with Picard and Geordi.]  # Picard [to synthesizer] : Tea. Hot.  Synthesizer : Share and Enjoy!  ( [Picard takes a drink and spits it out.]   Picard : PHEWWW! Geordi : Tastes awful, huh? B Picard : Not only that, but I think someone already did this joke.  	What's wrong with the holodeck?A Geordi : Well, some of the holodeck constructs are...resistant to % 	participate in certain...activities. ' Picard : Plain English, please, Geordi. & Geordi : Holodeck girls don't put out.A Picard : Been running that Leah Brahms program again, haven't we? ? 	C'mon, Geordi, she's an engineer! She'd rather calculate pi to  	2000 places than have sex! C Geordi : Sir! That's private information! And besides, Worf has the  	same problem.2 Picard : I've never heard any complaints from him.C Geordi : That's because the girls beat him up instead, and he likes ; 	that almost as much. But they're still not doing what they  	were programmed to.4 Data [over intercom] : Captain Picard to the bridge!  D [Cut to bridge. Except for Worf and Wesley, the standard crew is allC there, including Troi, resplendent in a mini-bikini. Riker, looking E about 300 pounds, is munching on a huge deli sandwich that he quickly B hides under his ample butt as Picard enters. He then makes a great6 show of being ready for action and leaps to his feet.]   Riker : Captain Picard! Sir!@ Picard [wiping bits of salami and lettuce off his face] : What's 	happening, Number One? F Riker : There's been an unauthorized shuttle launch, sir. Lt. Worf and2 	a security team were down there when it happened!= Picard : My God! [thumbs intercom] Lt. Worf! Are you alright?    [Quick cut to shuttle bay]  D Worf [over intercom] : I'm fine. The computer automatically protects 	anyone with a recurring role. Picard : What happened? F Worf : It's Wesley, sir. He accidentally shot himself with a full hypo< 	of tricordrazine. That's pharmaceutical tricordrazine, sir.
 	Potent shit.  Picard : And he...- Worf : Went buggo and stole the shuttle, sir. ( Picard : Damn! Are you sure you're okay? Worf : I'm fine.D Picard : Good. Then you won't mind me asking WHY THE [BLEEP!] DIDN'T2 	YOU PUT	LOCKS ON THE SHUTTLES LIKE I TOLD YOU TO?$ Worf : Klingons don't install locks!9 Picard : Forget it! Report to the bridge immediately. [to # 	communications] Raise the shuttle. C Riker : We've already tried, sir! There's no response! BUUUUURRRRP! # Everyone : Oh, God! Phew! Gag! Ack! 2 Picard : Number One, go gargle before you kill us.B Riker : Yes, sir. [tries to leave, and gets stuck in the turbolift 	door.] Uh, sir?  D [Worf arrives. He looks at Riker and suppresses a giggle, then takes
 his station.]     Picard : Troi, what do you feel?E Troi : I feel damned cold, that's what I feel. You know, if I'm going 7 	to wear this thing, you could at least look a *little* 	 	aroused! 0 Picard : Worf, keep trying to raise the shuttle.D Worf : Yes, sir! While I'm at it, how 'bout I fire a little salvo of 	photon torpedos? A Picard : No! Under no circumstances shall we fire on the shuttle! E Worf : But sir, he stole a shuttle! A modified shuttle! And he killed " 	eight nameless security officers!D Data : Worf's right, sir. We may never get a chance like this again.C Picard : Hmm... No! Not while there's still a chance of the writersr 	putting Beverly and I in bed.   [Everyone looks at Picard.]s  F Picard : Uhh--IN RED! Beverly will be red-faced with anger and despair? 	should anything happen to her son! Yes, that's what I meant tow 	say!f  . [As if on cue, Beverly walks onto the bridge.]  = Beverly : What's this I hear about Wesley stealing a shuttle?r  Worf : Receiving a transmission! Picard : On screen.i  E [Wesley looks even worse than he usually does. His eyes look ready too- pop out of his skull and he's been drooling.]e   Wesley : MURDERERS! ASSASSINS!B Worf : That's tricordrazine all right. He looks like he's having a 	serious buzz.   [Everyone looks at Worf.]   - Worf : I only take it for medicinal purposes.W0 Beverly : Oh, Wes, why couldn't you just say no?" Wesley : PHILANDERERS! SYCOPHANTS!D Data : I'm rubber, you're glue, it bounces off me and sticks to you! Picard : Data!/ Data : I thought that was the proper rejoinder.h@ Picard : Wesley! Stop this nonsense now! Your mother is worried!( Beverly : Yes, Wesley! Please come home!" Wesley : TELEVANGELISTS! LAWYERS!!8 Picard [enraged] : RIGHT! THAT'S IT! Worf, lock phasers!1 Worf [with a huge smile on his face] : YES, SIR!!- Beverly : Jean-Luc!-  ? [Picard looks back and forth between Worf and Beverly. Both arey9 wearing pleading looks. Finally, Picard stamps his foot.]e  + Picard : Oh, hell! Worf, disengage phasers.m Worf [whining] : Awwwww, sir!n? Picard : You heard me! Comm, he's too far away. Take us closer!t; 	[thumbs intercom] Transporter room! Lock onto the pilot ofh 	that shuttle!) O'Brien : And beam him into space, right?  Picard : No just-wD O'Brien : Wide dispersion, right? No problem! Wide dispersion it is!8 Picard : Just beam him aboard, alright? [pause] ALRIGHT? O'Brien : Alright.  D [Cut to external view. The Enterprise is gaining on the shuttle. Cut? to shuttle interior. Wesley looks back and sees what's coming.]s  @ Wesley : So, that's how you want it, huh? FINE! Let's see if you 	bastards can do .9!  C [Wesley hits the gas and lurches back with the acceleration. Cut toTB external. The shuttle flares and vanishes, leaving a flaming trail? through space. Cut to bridge, where no-one was expecting this.]   @ Picard : Shit. [pause] I'm going to have a talk with Dr. Stubbs. Number One, you have the con.e  A [Walks past Riker, who is still stuck in the turbo lift door, andt leaves the bridge.]l   Riker : Uh, sir? Sir!u  C -------------------------------------------------------------------  COMMERCIAL BREAK  E [Open with Paramount logo. Then cut to assorted scenes from the firste five Star Trek movies.]:  D Announcer : Have you ever wondered what the heroes of Trek were like when they were young?.  @ [Cut to party scene. All trek cast members are wearing togas and  singing along to "Louie, Louie"]  B Come back to those crazy academy days, when the entire bridge crewC were members of the wackiest fraternity at Starfleet Academy, Delta. Tau Chi!  @ [Cut. Spock is on a ladder watching Nurse Chapel undress. As sheA removes her bra, he raises an eyebrow, then falls over backward.]e  B Thrill to the wacky antics of Kirk, Spock, and McCoy, as they were when they were mere cadets!O  D [Cut. Kirk, Spock, and McCoy have mistakenly taken their dates to an/ all-Klingon bar. Three nasty Klingons walk up.]r  7 Biggest Klingon : You mind if we dance with your dates?a  < Announcer : It's fun! It's crazy! It ignores all established 	continuity! But who cares!t   Kirk : TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!    It's Star Trek VI : Animal Trek!C -------------------------------------------------------------------i  E [Scene: the conference room. Everyone is there, including Dr. Stubbs.aC Troi is now wearing bikini bottoms and suspenders covering only the E important part of her breasts and is looking quite miffed at the lack $ of attention the outfit is getting.]  A Picard : You're telling me you modified that shuttle to be a time-	 	machine?-$ Stubbs : Yes! You deaf or something?F Picard : You knew the problems time travel caused in the past, and yet 	you still built this machine? Stubbs : Just doing my job.e Picard : Your job-< Stubbs : As stated in section 5, paragraph 6 of the Arrogant= 	Federation Expert's Handbook, "An Expert must endeavor to bel9 	snotty and arrogant at all times, and to do at least one < 	incredibly stupid thing whenever he's on board." I'm a plot? 	catalyst, you boob! If it wasn't for me you'd be stuck be withr8 	another hour of Troi getting people to talk about their
 	feelings!+ Troi [leaping to her feet] : I resent that!w Picard : Sit down, counselor!u  D [One of the suspenders breaks. No-one notices. Stifling curses, Troi sits down again.]s  > Beverly: You mean my son's floating out there, God-knows-when?A Stubbs : Oh, I know when! The controls were set for 25 years ago!i? Picard : Hmm. So then--Number One, what on Earth is that thing?m  D [Riker is popping marshmallows into his mouth with a bizarre-looking  device. He displays it proudly.]  @ Riker : It's my official Star Trek V marshmallow dispenser, sir!F Picard : Well, put it away! Unless you brought enough for everyone. So; 	then, Wesley is in the past and we've no way of getting tol 	him. @ Data : On the contrary, Captain. We could do a Warp 10 slingshot 	around the sun.B Geordi : Or use that weird intermix formula from "The Naked Time"!( Data : Or visit the Guardian of Forever.A Picard : Interesting suggestions. Did any of them happen in a TNGn	 	episode?S Geordi and Data : No.iF Picard : As I was saying, we've no way of getting to him. Dr. Stubbs--B Data : But Captain, you mentioned "all the trouble time travel has? 	caused in the past." This implies that we do have knowledge ofl 	those methods.t Picard : Data? Data : Yes?o Picard : Shut up.y Data : Yes, sir.E Picard : Dr. Stubbs, what is the worst damage that Wesley could do tor 	our timeline?  D Stubbs : Well, he's only a boy...and he was only sent back 25 years.; 	I'd say the worst he could do would be to wipe out his own  	existence.u Beverly : Oh, no!n Picard : That's all? Stubbs : Most likely.  Picard : Conference dismissed.4 Beverly : WHAT? You're just going to let Wesley die?2 Picard [winking at others] : Wesley? Who's Wesley?+ Beverly : What do you mean, "Who's Wesley?"l< Picard : I don't know any Wesley? How about you, Number One?8 Riker : Never heard of him. Worf, you know any "Wesley"? Worf : No. Should I?" Beverly : You can't do this to me!2 Picard : Counselor, what's wrong with Dr. Crusher?? Troi : Hysteria, Captain. Most likely brought on by her seemingr 	inability to have children.D Picard : Well, if that's the problem, there's an easy cure. Shall we 	say my quarters, around eight?l Beverly : YOU BASTARDS!s? Data : Captain, perhaps we shouldn't be so eager to let Wesley-tB Picard : Data, we - don't - know - anyone - named - Wesley, do we?= Data : We don't? Then who saved our lives in "The Naked Now"?uC Geordi : That's right! And in "The Last Goodbye", too! Now that youi> 	mention it, he's made a habit pulling of our butts out of the 	fire!D Stubbs : Ooh, that's bad! If he disappears, the entire ship could go= 	with him! Well, if you'll excuse me, I have a beam to catch.R   [Picard grabs him by the arm.]  ( Picard : Can you outfit another shuttle?F Stubbs : How about you draw up some project outlines and I'll get back 	to you?A Worf : How about I rip your legs off and shove them up your nose?c# Stubbs : Is two hours early enough?   B [Cut to rim of Earth's atmosphere. Suddenly, Wesley's shuttle popsE into existence, leaving a flame trail behind it and hurtling downwardn; at incredible speed. Wesley looks back and sees the trail.]r  < Wesley : That's impossible. Vacuum doesn't burn! YAAAAAHHHH!  ? [Wesley realizes where he's headed and slams on the brakes. TheiE shuttle screeches like a car, and slows, but not enough. It heads foriF a building, out of control. Cut to the interior of the building, whereB a red-headed teenager is talking on the holophone. It is the young Beverly, of course.]  F Beverly : And he like acts so superior! I mean, like what a dweeb! Gag4 	me with a spoon! So, I go, "Jack, why don't you --"  ? [The shuttle crashes into her room. A dazed Wesley climbs out.]   E Beverly : Oh, Marge! You won't believe what's happening! This is likeh6 	so rad! Gotta go. Wow, what a hunk! Like, are you OK?C Wesley [who is coming down off the tricordrazine] : Mom? I'll nevero3 	sample your goodies again, I promise. [passes out]tE Beverly : Oh, wow! My helpless brave knight from space! I'll love you:* 	forever! (This is like, totally tubular!)F ---------------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK  & [Scene: James Doohan in Scott uniform]  E Doohan : If you love the action and adventure of Star Trek as much asz9 	I do, here's something you'll want to pick up! [Holds upo? 	cassette] That's right, it's the video cassette of Star Trek Vs> 	: The Final Frontier. Not many people realize just how useful 	this item is!  " 	...It makes a wonderful doorstop!  = 	...If you buy enough copies, your children can build a fort!a  = 	...Use it as a talisman to ward off bands of marauding moviee	 	critics!W  . 	[Doohan is relaxing in front of a fireplace.]  6 	And, at its current closeout price, it's cheaper than0 	firewood! [Tosses a few cassettes on the blaze]  3 	Star Trek V! No trekkie should be without several!k; 	[Holds up box one more time, just before he is overcome byi 	fumes.]  A Announcer : Star Trek V. In packs of 8 in the K-Mart Bargain Bin.aF ----------------------------------------------------------------------  A [Scene : Shuttle bay. Shuttle launches as Picard does voice-over]r  @ Picard : Captains Log, Stardate 45679.1. In order to prevent the: 	time-traveling Wesley from altering history, an away team; 	composed of Commander Riker, Commander Data, and Counselor:< 	Troi is traveling back in time to retrieve Wesley before he< 	does any damage. All of us are hoping for his safe return.    [Cut to bridge.]  = Picard : Close log. Personal Log. Note : Should Wesley return > 	safely, use pull with his instructor to get extra gym courses> 	added to his schedule. Suggest : Getting Hit in the Face 101,; 	Painful Blows to the Testicles 206, Being Locked in a Cagea 	with a Starving Lion 403--g  5 Worf : Captain, the shuttlecraft is going in circles!p Picard : Shuttle! What's wrong![@ Data's Voice : Unknown, sir. We are experiencing a severe weight 	imbalance.eC Picard : Have Commander Riker sit in the exact center of the craft!t  ' [Show screen. Shuttle straightens out.]S  $ Data : Thank you sir. That fixed it.  D [Shuttle picks up speed and vanishes. Cut to Beverly's bedroom of 25E years ago. Beverly is wrapping Wesley is bandages from head to toe ask he awakens.]  B Wesley: Wha? Where am I? Since when is sickbay filled with stuffed8 	animals and Depeche Mode : The Next Generation posters?C Beverly: Oh, wow, like, you're awake! I was, like, gettin' worried! ! Wesley: Mom? You look real young!y' Beverly: Mom? Oh, like that's so sweet!e< Wesley: But...but you're not a valley girl! You're a doctor!C Beverly: That's right, we're playin' doctor! Don't worry, we get tos0 	the part where I take off my clothes real soon.A Wesley: The last thing I remember is shooting myself with a hypo.,8 	Before that, I was talking to Dr. Stubbs about his time) 	machine...which is stuck in your wall!!!yC Beverly: Oh, yeah! You're like, gonna have to help me hide that. Myu= 	parentals have this, like, major thing about me smashing newa 	windows in the house.@ Wesley [who is starting to sweat]: If I arrived in that, and the= 	controls were set for 25 years ago...hoo boy. Then you're...TE Beverly: Beverly, atcher service! But you can, like, call me Bev! All-; 	my friends do! In fact, [starts to unbutton her blouse andn- 	breath hard] you can call me "love goddess"!o1 Wesley: Uh, er, mah-Bev! What about Jack Crusher!t Beverly: Jack Crusher?C Wesley: Yeah, that incredibly handsome guy, who, if my calculations]/ 	are correct, you should be going out with now.sC Beverly: Why would I go out with Jack? He's, like, a walking bag of?= 	hormones! He's wants to take me to the dance tomorrow night,,> 	and, like, I've been looking for a reason to to say no. Well, 	now I've got one!; Wesley [to himself]: But, if I remember what she told me...r  C [Ripple-fade to memory. Beverly, with her back turned to Wesley, is # describing how she met his father.]d  D Beverly: At first, I didn't think much of Jack. But on the way back,7 	he pulled off to the side of the road and [licks lips]d2 	...convinced me that we were made for each other.  F [Ripple-fade back to teen Beverly, who has taken advantage of Wesley's: pensiveness to crawl up on him and kiss him passionately.]   Beverly: Yukk!1 Wesley: It's like kissing your brother, isn't it?.D Beverly: No, it's like kissing a nerd who's never kissed anyone! But7 	don't worry! We've got, like, plenty of time to learn!a' Voice: Beverly, who are you talking to?n Beverly: You gotta go!  @ [Beverly pushes a button and the bed folds into the wall, taking Wesley with it!]   Beverly: No-one, Mom!y  E [Cut to sky. A new shuttle arrives, much more in control, and makes aiC landing in a park. The shuttle door opens and Data, Riker, and Troi 	 get out.]e   Troi: GASP! HACK! AUGGHH-HUFF!E Riker: Will you stop making such a big deal out of this! You're beingW
 	so immature!tD Troi: I'm immature?! I'm not the one who blew a fart that filled the
 	whole cabin!!
 Riker: What?!iF Data: Blew a fart. Broke wind, passed vapors, cut the cheese, popped a	 	punker--n< Riker: Shut up, Data! It wasn't that bad! *I'm* not choking!2 Troi: You were sitting on my face when you did it! Riker: You used to--1 Troi: YOU FINISH THAT SENTENCE AND YOU'RE DEAD!!! & Riker: Well--Data, is something wrong?B Data: No, Commander. I am merely observing the interaction between  	those two teenagers over there.  @ [A big teenage boy is threatening a less-muscular, yet strangely familiar-looking teenage boy.]  E Big Boy: I don't like you froggy exchange students! I think I'll beatd% 	you up! How do you like them apples!w@ Other Boy: Well, mister, I don't take threats lightly! Here is a> 	warning shot! [Takes a swing about two inches in front of the9 	kid's face.] There! That will teach you not to mess withd 	Jean-Luc--o  # [Big Boy beats the shit out of him]   E Data: I couldn't help noticing your predicament, young boy. Next timeo> 	a bully confronts you, why don't you try getting in the first 	punch?"% Jean-Luc: You mean, actually hit him? @ Data: Yes, that would certainly seem to be the logical course of 	action.F Jean-Luc: Gee, thanks, mister! I'll try it. Punching him! What a great- 	idea! Why didn't I think of that! [runs off]h* Riker: C'mon Data, we have to find Wesley!  F [They walk off. Camera changes focus on Jean-Luc beating someone up in the background.]  E Jean-Luc: That's right, Jack, give me all your money, or I'll hit you-= 	some more. Wow! This hitting thing works even better againste 	kids who *aren't* bullies!"  F ---------------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK:a  D Presenting a once-in-a-lifetime offer to Trekkies everywhere! If youC have access to a Usenet system, you can be involved in the greatest   Star Trek fanzine of all time...  " ****** REC.ARTS.STARTREK!!!! *****  F Subscribe now, and get 70 messages loaded into your system daily. Just look what you get!    -  6 Reviews of the same episode -  6 Nitpicks of the reviews" -  5 Flames against the nitpickers% - 23 Flames for/against homosexuality ! -  6 Remarks about Troi's breastsr. -  4 Remarks about Riker's expanding waistline& -  4 Requests for the TNG episode list -  2 Requests to explain IMHOlD -  5 People still arguing about whether Yar really went back in time -  3 Spelling flames# -  4 Flames to stop all the flamingzF -  1 Idiotic parody written by a grad student who should be working on      more important things.e   And as a special bonus:l/ -  1 Insightful, original post about Star Trek!b  F Here is an example of some of the exciting posts you'll read every day	 on r.a.s!e  
 -------------]E >>>All in all, a highly original parody. I give it a 9 for plot, an 8G* >>>for characterization and a 0 for class.9 >>Frankly I can't see what all the fuss is about. Ho hum. . >That's what I thought you'd say, Mr Eliteist!-                                      ^^^^^^^^  You misspelled "elitist"!t
 _____________aD >>>Hey, if this was a time-travel episode, where's Guinan? She's theE >>>time travel expert. Let's pay attention to continuity, okay, guys?l  >>She's on vacation, okay? GEEZ!E >Well, if you're so unwilling to accept criticism, you shouldn't haver >written the damn thing!   [expletives deleted]
 --------------F You know, this guy has a lot of nerve flaming me about disk space when  B Well, that's enough examples for now! I bet you just can't wait to< join the exciting mob that is r.a.s! So head on over to your newsreader and sign up today!h  E R.a.s! We're not just a bunch of trekkies. We're a @#$&ING HUGE bunchr of trekkies!F ----------------------------------------------------------------------3 [Scene: 10-forward. Picard is talking with Guinan.]t  2 Guinan: So. What did you want to talk to me about?D Picard: Nothing, really. It just occurred to me that if I don't talk; 	to you sometime, the analysts on r.a.s are going to have ah0 	fit. This is, after all, a time travel episode.: Guinan: Well, if you're wondering whether there's been any< 	developments in the time travel mission, I'm afraid I can't 	tell you--ulp!n Picard: What is it?  Guinan: Oh...nothing!t  A [Cut to 25 years ago. Scene: distance shot of Beverly's apartment-
 building.]  C Riker: First officer's log, Stardate 45681.8. We have finally foundr4 	Wesley and the teenager who will become his mother.> 	Unfortunately, it seems that the teenage Beverly has formed a; 	crush on [pffft!] Wesley, and is resisting our attempts ton> 	hook her up with Jack Crusher. I would go into these attempts8 	in more detail, but this parody has gone on long enough? 	already. What's worse, she seems to have caught on to the factl? 	that we want her to date Jack. Data is currently attempting tos= 	retrieve Wesley's shuttle, which is still jammed in the 20ths# 	story wall of Beverly's apartment.i  F [Cut to close view of park at the bottom of the building. Troi, Riker,3 and Wesley are there, along with Beverly and Jack.]o  A Beverly: So, OK, guys! It's time for you to, like, level with me,k; 	y'know? Why is it so mondo-important for me to go out with  	this dweeb?6 Jack: Because you are my density...detsiny...denisty--< Wesley: Knock it off, Jack, that didn't work the first time. Riker: Should we tell her?' Troi: We have to. The dance is tonight.BE Riker: Okay, it's like this. We're from the future, see? And this boye: 	here, he's your son. With Jack. And if you two don't, you? 	know, then Wesley won't be born and he won't exist to save thec 	ship in 25 years!$ Beverly: This kid here, he's my son? Wesley: That's right...Mom.kD Beverly: Eewwwwwwwwwwwwww! That's gross! Forget it! I'll never marry
 	Jack! Never!' Data's Voice: LOOK OUT BELOW!!!o
 Beverly: Huh?e  F [Pan back. The shuttle has fallen out of the hole in the wall. It hits+ Beverly right on the head. Close up again.]o  ( Beverly: Ohhhhhh...wowwwww! [passes out]@ Wesley: AAAAAAAAH! YOU KILLED MY MOM! OH MY GOD! I'M FADING! I'M
 	FAAAAAADING!D= Troi: Oh, shut up Wesley! She's not dead! Thank God for lightl 	construction materials!  0 [Jack runs to her as she regains consciousness.]   Beverly: Oh Jack, you saved me!n> Jack: Uh, well...That's right! I saved you, that's the ticket!+ Beverly: My hero! I will marry you! I will!d' Riker: I think that's our cue to leave!.$ Jack: How can I ever thank you guys?& Riker: Just get her good and pregnant. Jack: I'll do my best, sir!e  D [Troi, Riker, Data, and Wesley get in the shuttles and take off. TheE shuttles vanish as Jack and Beverly wave goodbye. Cut to present, theC Enterprise bridge.]c  5 Worf: Two shuttles have appeared out of nowhere, sir!hC Picard: Excellent! It appears the mission was a success! Bring themw 	aboard!  F [Cut to a few hours into the future, as the entire bridge crew is back> to their rightful positions. Wesley looks pulverized, for some reason.]  F Picard: I must say, it is good to have you all back. Even you, Wesley.# 	How did you enjoy gym class today?e/ Wesley [high voice]: Oh fine sir, invigorating!wB Riker: Not only did we succeed, sir, but I think we did so without 	seriously changing history.8 Worf: Sir! Sensors detect a Romulan warbird approaching! Picard: Great! Blow it up!!a Riker: Sir?s. Worf: Phasers and photon torpedos firing, sir!  ' [Exterior shot. The warbird goes boom.],  > Picard: Ah, nothing like a good space battle to get the juices9 	flowing! Picard to sickbay! I've just blown up a Romulant' 	warbird, and you know what that means!  Beverly: Oh, God! Yes!F Picard: Well, if you'll excuse me, I've some business to take care of.9 	[Makes eyebrows at Riker.] Number One, you have the con. 7 Worf: Sir, you are the bitchenest captain in Starfleet! , Picard: Thank you, Worf. Carry on. [Leaves.]# Riker: Of course, I could be wrong.,   [Fin]    			---------- Ryan Mathews  ! Internet : mathews@cs.buffalo.edu & Bitnet   : mathews%cs.buffalo.edu@ubvmF UUCP     :{apple,cornell,decwrl,harvard,rutgers,talcott,ucbvax,uunet}!            cs.buffalo.edu!mathews