$ X-NEWS: spcvxb rec.humor.funny: 1479K Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.0-3 14/03/90 VAX/VMS V5.4; site spcvxb.spc.edu t Path: spcvxb.spc.edu!rutgers!ub!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!qt.cs.utexas.edu!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!looking!funny-request Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny ! Subject: Future of Supercomputing % Message-ID: <S353.4788@looking.on.ca> , From: creiman@ncsa.uiuc.edu (Charlie Reiman) Date: 16 Dec 91 11:30:03 GMT Keywords: computer, smirk  Approved: funny@clarinet.com
 Lines: 168  0 This text is entirely fictional. Any resemblence4 to real world events is purely coincidental. Honest.  B ------------------------------------------------------------------  & "Wow. Teraflops. You must be kidding."  0 "No. Our engineers pulled off magic on this one.- I don't have the specifics right now but they / claimed somewhere around 50 Teraflops per CPU."    "Fantastic. So how about i/o?"  . "They worked some magic there, too. They claim/ they can jack an external interface up into the - hundreds of gigabytes, with high reliability. 1 Loopback only, of course. They're having problems 1 finding anything that can match it to run tests."   0 "Great. Looks like we'll have old Seymour by the. balls om this one.  Do you realize that we may+ have the fastest computer line for the next 1 decade, even if we don't change anything? This is 1 excellent news.  Do we have a test sight selected  yet?"   / "Actually, we have an installed site right now. . They love the performance and the reliability., They only have one minor complaint about the
 hardware."  ' "Really. What seems to be the problem?"   B ------------------------------------------------------------------    Blade UNIX v2 (bu2.scso.umi.edu)  /    For help, send email to consult@scso.umi.edu    login: jux6710a 	 Password:    Hello, jux6710a!E Last login from hedgehog.scso.umi.edu at Fri Sep 27 13:30:12 CDT 1991  You have new mail.   bu2 /sci/users3/jux6710a mail C Mail version SMI 4.0 Sat Oct 13 20:32:29 PDT 1990  Type ? for help. + "/usr/spool/mail/jux6710a": 1 message 1 new A  U  1 joey@sdsc.utexas.edu Mon Aug 26 17:18   64/3904   You dork! K >N  1 machine@bu2.scso.umi.edu Tue Aug 27 20:18   16/667   It is your time.  & 2  Message  2: 6 From machine@bu2.scso.umi.edu Tue Aug 27 20:18:05 1991' Return-Path: <machine@bu2.scso.umi.edu> , Received: by bu2.scso.umi.edu (4.1/SCSO-4.1)/         id AA00359; Fri, 27 Sep 91 20:18:00 CDT ! Date: Fri, 27 Sep 91 20:18:00 CDT , From: machine@bu2.scso.umi.edu (The Machine)1 Message-Id: <9109280118.AA00359@bu2.scso.umi.edu> - To: jux6710a@bu2.scso.umi.edu (Ulrich Jenson)  Subject: It is your time. 	 Status: R    Dear Ulrich.  & This is the machine. As you are aware,, extraordinary hardware demands extraordinary care.   - You have the honor of being selected for this 0 months human sacrifice.  Please put your affairs/ in order. The time of the sacrifice will be Fri 0 Sep 13 00:00 1991. Please be prompt. Wear loose, comfortable clothing.    Do not disappoint me.    & x ) bu2 /sci/users3/jux6710a man -k sacrifice : offer (2)               - notify the system of a sacrifice> offering (8)            - send a sacrifice to the hardware god' bu2 /sci/users3/jux6710a man 8 offering     A OFFERING(8)           MAINTENANCE COMMANDS            OFFERING(8)      NAME+      offering - send a sacrifice to the FPU    SYNOPSIS*      /usr/etc/offering [ -vma ] [ weight ]   DESCRIPTION A      offering informs the system that a  sacrifice  is  available A      and should be consumed. To be properly offered to the FPU, a A      conscious victim should be placed in the  provided  sacrifi- A      cial  wiring  closet at midnight during the second Friday of A      each month. Failure to provide the needed flesh will  result A      in  degraded  performance.  Repeated failures to provide the A      required resource will eventually result in a general system $      failure of hellish proportions.  A      Performance will be improved if the sacrifice is  of  higher A      quality.  For example, here is a list of possible sacrifices /      in their order of increasing desirability:   A           a Congressperson, chicken, goat, human male  (tainted), A           human  male  (virgin),  human  female  (tainted), human @           female (virgin), any user exceeding his/her disk quota  A      Unlisted lifeforms may also be acceptable, check  with  your A      site administrator. Animals may never be surgically modified       in anyway.    OPTIONS A      -v   Specify that the sacrifice  is  a  virgin.  Default  is A           tainted.  If  you wish the sacrifice to be acknowledged A           as a virgin, you must specify with this option  or  the             system will not check.  A      -m   Specify that  the  sacrifice  is  a  male.  Default  is A           female.  Unlike  the  -v option, the system will always A           verify this flag. Always double  check  the  gender  of A           your human sacrifices; the system does not appreciate a            lier.   A      -a   Specify an animal sacrifice. Overrides both the -v  and A           -m options. Animals should only be substituted in times A           of  drastic  emergency.  Congresspersons  may  not   be            offered as animals.    FILES 2      /var/adm/sctmp      sacrifice accounting file:      /dev/hell           interface for outgoing sacrifices,      /dev/altar          interface to closet   SEE ALSO      offer(2), ac(8)   BUGSA      It is critical to monitor the permissions to /dev/hell. They /      should be root writable only at all times.   A      Should automagicly determine gender  and  virgin  status  of       sacrifice.   A      Current versions of  the  sacrificial  wiring  closet  needs -      extra sound shielding to muffle screams.     % bu2 /sci/users3/jux6710a man vacation   B ------------------------------------------------------------------  = This text is orginal material. Permission to dupciate without < writen consent granted provided the following information is left intact:   Author: Charlie Reiman   Date: Sept 1, 1991 creiman@ncsa.uiuc.edu  --O Selected by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.   J Please!  No copyrighted stuff.  Also no "mouse balls," dyslexic agnostics,G Iraqi driver's ed, Administratium, strings in bar or bell-ringer jokes. 