L From:	IN%"KENNEDY@eisner.decus.org"  "Terry Kennedy" 20-AUG-1991 23:12:19.45 To:	IN%"terry@SPCVXA.SPC.EDU"  CC:	! Subj:	Notefile SOAPBOX Note 354.0   O Received: from PUCC.PRINCETON.EDU (VMMAIL@PUCC) by SPCVXA.SPC.EDU (PMDF #12025) C  id <01G9MAXKR3688WW1SW@SPCVXA.SPC.EDU>; Tue, 20 Aug 1991 23:12 EDT N Received: from PUCC by PUCC.PRINCETON.EDU (Mailer R2.08 R208004) with BSMTP id"  5939; Tue, 20 Aug 91 23:09:37 EDTL Received: from CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU by pucc.PRINCETON.EDU (IBM VM SMTP V2R1) with!  TCP; Tue, 20 Aug 91 23:09:34 EDT N Received: from eisner.decus.org by CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU (IBM VM SMTP R1.2.2MX) with!  TCP; Tue, 20 Aug 91 18:58:38 EDT D Received: from eisner.decus.org by eisner.decus.org (PMDF #12130) idB  <01G9M1YTYR5C0002XR@eisner.decus.org>; Tue, 20 Aug 1991 18:55 EDT  Date: Tue, 20 Aug 1991 18:55 EDT. From: Terry Kennedy <KENNEDY@eisner.decus.org>$ Subject: Notefile SOAPBOX Note 354.0 To: terry@SPCVXA.SPC.EDU1 Message-id: <01G9M1YTYR5C0002XR@eisner.decus.org> 8 X-Organization: Digital Equipment Computer Users Society# X-VMS-To: in%"terry@spcvxa.spc.edu"   @                 <<< EISNER::DUA2:[NOTES$HIVOL]SOAPBOX.NOTE;1 >>>4                              -< DECUServe Soapbox >-P ================================================================================P Note 354.0                        THE VAXORCIST                       No repliesP EISNER::CARTER_RI "Rick - Contra(dancing) Rebel"    412 lines  20-AUG-1991 16:08P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------D Received from a friend on the Internet (one naughty word edited out)P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------   A Remember how much fun you had upgrading your systems to VMS V5.0?  Well, you had it easy......     			THE VAXORCIST 			-------------   2              A rough draft of a video presentation+                      by Christopher Russell 9        Operations Manager, Dept of Mechanical Engineering +                      University of Maryland    I -------------------------------------------------------------------------    E (SCENE: Inside of a VAX computer room.  CREDITS ROLL as the SYSMGR is H sitting in front of the console terminal, typing.  He pauses, picks up aJ small magnetic tape, walks over to a tape drive, mounts it, and returns to' the console where he continues typing.)    F (There is a knock at the door.  SYSMGR walks to the door and opens it, revealing USER.)   + USER:  Any idea when the system will be up?    G SYSMGR:  Well, I just installed version 5.0 of VMS, so I'm going to run I some diagnostics on it overnight to make sure it works alright.  Assuming E everything goes alright, the system should be up first thing tomorrow  morning.    USER:  Great.  Thanks.  (Exits)    4 (SYSMGR closes the door and returns to the console.)   J ROD SERLING-LIKE VOICE:  This is John Smith, University of Maryland SystemI Manager.  In an effort to make his system the best it can be, he has just I installed VMS Version 5.0 onto his VAX.  But little does he know that the I Version 5 documentation kit from Digital includes a one-way ticket to ...  the VMS TWILIGHT ZONE!    (ominous music - fade out)   J (Fade in.  The SYSMGR scans the console for a moment, then turns, picks upK his coat and walks to the door.  He stops at the door for a moment, looking D back at the big machine.  Finally, he turns out the light and exits, closing the door behind him.)    H (Cut to the Console Terminal.  We read the following as it is printed on the console terminal:)    VMS V5.0 DIAGNOSTICS --    ! DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 1 STARTING...    , DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 1 FINISHED SUCCESSFULLY.   ! DIAGNOSTICS - PHASE 2 STARTING...      TESTING MICROCODE ... SUCCESSFUL    TESTING DECNET ...  SUCCESSFUL   1 TESTING LICENSE MANAGEMENT UTILITY ... SUCCESSFUL    & TESTING SYSTEM SERVICES ... SUCCESSFUL   F TESTING HIGHLY EXPERIMENTAL AND COMPLETELY UNDOCUMENTED AI ROUTINE ...   I (Cut to view of the Tape in the Tape drive.  The tape spins for a moment,  and suddenly stops.)   F (Cut to view of the Machine Room.  A fog has begun drifting across theG floor, and the hardware is slowly being backlit by a pulsing red light. H A peal of weird laughter cuts through the silence.  A variety of bizarreD things occur:  A VT100 monitor sitting on a table slowly rotates 360F degrees; the tape drive opens and tape begins spewing out of it; slimeH begins pouring out of a disk drive; the line printer begins form-feedingG like mad.  These continue for several minutes, or for as long as we can  keep them up.  FADE OUT)   J (SCENE: Hallway outside of the computer room.  SYSMGR walks up to the door and is met by USER.)   " USER:  System going to be up soon?   G SYSMGR:  (as he speaks, he tries to open the Machine room door, but the G door is apparently stuck.) The diagnostics should be done by now, so we I should be up in about 15 minutes... (he succeeds in opening the door, but F is confronted by floor to ceiling magnetic tape.  Tangled at about eyeJ level is an empty tape reel. SYSMGR takes the reel and looks at it.  CLOSEB UP of the reel so we can read the label, which reads: VAX/VMS V5.09 DIAGNOSTIC KIT.) (to USER) ...give or take a few days....    J (SCENE:  View of TSR (Telephone Support Rep) from behind as she is sittingF in a cubicle, a terminal in front of her.  Beside her on the wall is aH poster which reads "Digital Has It Now - But You Can't Have It".  We canJ see the terminal, but we should not be able to read what is on it.  She is wearing a headset.)    E TSR:  Colorado Customer Support.  What is your access number, please?     SYSMGR VOICE: 31576     TSR:  And your name?    SYSMGR VOICE:  John Smith.   J (Cut to SYSMGR standing beside his console.  He his holding a phone to hisH head with his right hand, and holding a printout in his left which he is& perusing while he talks on the phone.)   4 TSR VOICE:  And what operating system are you using?    SYSMGR:  VMS version 5.    H TSR VOICE:  And is this a problem with the operating system or a layered product?   F (As the SYSMGR looks up from the printout, his eyes suddenly widen andF he drops the printout and ducks.  At that second, a disk platter fliesF through the air where his head just was.  Slowly, SYSMGR stands up andI looks to where the disk went.  PAN BACK to reveal a stack of boxes with a - disk embedded in one of them at neck height.)    M SYSMGR:  (into the phone) Operating System.  Definitely the Operating System.    & (Cut back to TSR sitting at her desk.)   + TSR:  Can you describe the problem, please?    0 (SYSMGR voice can now only be heard as mumbling)   J TSR:  Yes... Tape drive spewing tape into the air... yes...  Line printersF printing backwards... yes... miscellaneous hardware flying through theK air... uh huh...  disk drives melting... yeah... strange voices coming from K the CPU board... I see... yes.  Is that all?  (pause as she finishes typing H at the terminal)  Well, I'm afraid that that team is busy at the moment,  can I have them get back to you?   E (CUT TO SCENE: MANAGER sitting behind a large desk in a plush office. < DEVELOPER is pacing in front of him, hands behind his back.)   # (SUBTITLE: Meanwhile at Maynard...)    / MANAGER:  So tell me!  What the hell happened?!    J DEVELOPER:  (turning to face MANAGER)  It's a glitch, a fluke.  A one in a? billion chance.  And it's not Development's fault.  Not really.    ! MANAGER:  Then who's fault is it?    F DEVELOPER:  We traced it back to the Software Distribution Center.  ItI seems that there was a mixup and some of the code for the experimental AI J routine was copied onto the distribution from the wrong optical disk.  (He7 removes a CD from his jacket)  This one, to be precise.     MANAGER:  And what's that?   A DEVELOPER:  (reading the label)  "Ozzy Osbourne's Greatest Hits". G Normally, it wouldn't have made any difference, as the AI routine isn't J used yet.  But when they began running diagnostics, it hit the routine and3 the computer just sort of became a thing possessed.    < MANAGER:  Wonderful.  Were any other distributions affected?  i2 DEVELOPER:  No, just the University of Maryland's.  5E MANAGER:  Well, that's a relief.  We've got to get them taken care of.F before anyone finds out.  Can you imagine what Digital Review would do if they heard about this?X  6A DEVELOPER:  We could always blame it on the Chaos Computer Group.m  CJ MANAGER:  No, we've already used that one.  This calls for drastic action.D (MANAGER picks up the phone and begins flipping through the rolodex)  U& DEVELOPER:  Who are you going to send?   I (CUT to the Rolodex so that we can read the cards.  The first card reads:M  T& 	SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Ron Jankowski, x474  8 he flips to the next card:  .) 	BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Bob Candless, x937     he flips to the next card:  u3 	REALLY BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Michelle French, x365   1 he flips to the next cardn   3 	OUTRAGEOUSLY BAD SYSTEM PROBLEMS - Mike West, x887   e< he flips to the next card and taps the card with forefinger:  @> 	SYSTEM %%%%ED UP BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION - The VAXorcist, x666  s  c@ (CUT to Machine Room.  SYSMGR is standing by the console holdingJ an RA60 disk cover and using it as a shield to defend himself from variousE pieces of hardware which are flying at him from off-camera.  There is=H a knock at the door.  Slowly, SYSMGR makes his way to the door and opensD it.  Standing there, backlit amidst outrageous amounts of fog is theG VAXORCIST, wearing a trench coat and fedora, and carrying a briefcase.)-  -H VAXORCIST:  (in a hushed voice)  DEC sent me.  I hear you're having some	 problems.h  nF (CUT to SYSMGR OFFICE, a small but pleasant office with posters on theG walls and clutter on the desk.  As the VAXORCIST enters, he removes his J coat and hat, revealing a very techie outfit beneath.  He is wearing a DEC badge.)E  XI SYSMGR:  (Frantic)  Problems?  Problems?!?  You could say I'm having someaJ problems.  4.6 was fine.  4.7 was fine.  I install 5.0 and all Hell breaks< loose.  The damn thing ate two of my operators this morning!  tC VAXORCIST:  Calm down, everything will be alright.  I've dealt with- situations like this before.  E SYSMGR:  You have?  pE VAXORCIST:  Four years ago at an installation in Oregon, a programmersF renamed his Star Trek program to VMB.EXE and copied it into the systemE directory.  When the system was rebooted the next day it phasored thecJ entire accounting department claiming that they were Klingon spies.  ThereJ was a similar problem in Texas three years ago, and then, of course, thereJ was the IRS fiasco that we're not allowed to talk about.  But don't worry.H These things can be fixed.  Before I can help you, though, I have to askE you a few questions. (The VAXorcist opens his briefcase and removes atK clipboard) Now, according to the report, the strange occurences began afterl- you installed VMS Version 5, is that correct?     SYSMGR:  Yes, that's correct.h  mF VAXORCIST:  Now, did you carefully read the Installation Guide for VMS
 Version 5?  i' SYSMGR:  (confused) Installation Guide?s   < VAXORCIST:  Yes, it should have come with the Release Notes.  oH SYSMGR:  (still confused) Release Notes? (SYSMGR begins rooting about onE his disk, shifting papers around as if he might find them underneath)   nJ VAXORCIST:  (annoyed) Yes, Release Notes.  They should have come with your documentation upgrade.   E SYSMGR:  (completely confused - looks up from his rooting through the * papers on his desk) Documentation upgrade?  i@ VAXORCIST:  (angry) YES!  The Documentation upgrade for your VMS Documentation Set!  oJ SYSMGR:  Documentation S...?  Oh, you mean the grey binders?  They're overH there. (he points to the wall behind the VAXORCIST.  The VAXORCIST turnsK and we see a closed glass-front bookcase packed with grey binders.  A small I red sign on the front of the bookcase reads: "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, BREAKU GLASS").  NI VAXORCIST:  Right.  This is going to be tougher than I thought.  Let's goE> take a look at your system and see just how bad everything is.  hI (CUT to the Machine Room.  The room is neat and tidy and there is no signtF that anything is wrong.  The VAXORCIST enters the room with the SYSMGR behind him.)  r( VAXORCIST:  Everything looks okay to me.  g  SYSMGR:  Maybe it's hibernating.  hI VAXORCIST:  Unlikely.  It's probably trying to lure us into a false senset of security.  lE SYSMGR:  Sounds like VMS alright.  (VAXORCIST gives him a dirty look)    K VAXORCIST:  I'm going to have to test it's power.  This could get ugly, youmI may want to leave.  (The SYSMGR shakes his head no.  The VAXORCIST bringswG hiself up to full height in front of the VAX and points a finger at it)uE By the power of DEC, I expel thee from this system! (Clap of thunder)   sH (CUT to door to the machine room.  The SYSMGR is pulling a cart on which= sits the VAXORCIST wrapped from head to toe in magnetic tape)a  s  SYSMGR:  Any other bright ideas?  h; VAXORCIST:  Just shut up and get this damn stuff off of me.   r (CUT to SYSMGRs office)f  rH VAXORCIST:  (Writing on the clipboard)  Things look pretty bad.  I think0 we're going to need a full-scale VAXorcism here.  P, SYSMGR:  Is there anything I can do to help?  sI VAXORCIST:  As a matter of fact, there is.  We've got to incapacitate the H VAX to keep it from causing any more damage until I'm ready to deal withK it.  Now, I've got some software here that will do that, but it's got to be G installed.  (VAXORCIST hands SYSMGR a tape)  With that running, the CPU > will be so bogged down, the VAX won't be able to harm anybody.   K SYSMGR:  (Examining the tape) What is it?  A program to calculate pi to theo last digit?b   I VAXORCIST:  Better than that.  It starts up All-in-1 with a 10 user load.I   J (CUT to Hall outside of Computer Room.  The VAXORCIST approaches the door.@ As the SYSMGR approaches the door, the VAXORCIST holds him back.   J VAXORCIST:  I appreciate your help, but it won't be safe for you in there.  nG SYSMGR:  What?  You're going in there to face that thing alone?  You're  nuts!C   < VAXORCIST:  Hey, it's my job.  (VAXORCIST turns to the door)  dG SYSMGR:  Wait a minute.  (VAXORCIST stops and turns around)  You betterdH take this with you.  (SYSMGR removes a very large and very nasty looking" gun from the inside of his jacket)  sF VAXORCIST:  (Smiling)  No, I won't need that.  I've got something moreK powerful.  (VAXORCIST holds up a small guide-sized orange binder, opens it,kK and shows it to SYSMGR.  CUT to closeup of the book which reads:  "GUIDE TOp VAX/VMS SYSTEM EXORCISM")b   K (CUT to view of Machine room door as seen by the VAX.  The VAXORCIST enters I the room and stands in front of the VAX.  CUT to view of the Machine Roomp' showing the SYSMGR confronting the VAX).  LE VAXORCIST:  By the power of DEC, I command thee, Evil Spirit, to showg thyself.    VAX:  Bugger off.i  d VAXORCIST:  (Shaken)  What?n  vI VAX:  I said Bugger off!  Now get out of here before I core-dump all over  you!  hH VAXORCIST:  (Recovered)  Threaten me not, oh Evil one!  For I speak with5 the power of DEC, and I command thee to show thyself!T  CH (A rumble is heard and again the VAX becomes backlit by red lights and aH fog begins to roll across the floor.  The VAX cabinet doors slowly creakJ open to reveal two small red lights in the dark cabinet which appear to be the creature's eyes)  aG VAX:  There.  Happy?  Now get out of here before I drop a tape drive on' your private parts.a  .J VAXORCIST:  (Opening the orange binder, he begins intoning SHUTDOWN.COM in# gregorian chant.  The VAX screams.)u  nJ VAX:  Stop that!  Stop that!  You, you DOS LOVER!  Your mother manages RSX systems in Hell!   4 (The VAXORCIST continues and the VAX screams again.)  iI VAX:  Stop it!  (a large wad of computer tape is thrown at the VAXORCIST,A8 apparently from the VAX).  Eat oxide, bit-bucket breath!  "8 (The VAXORCIST continues and the VAX screams once more.)  m VAX:  Mount me!  Mount me!  oF VAXORCIST:  (finishing the intonation) And now, by the power of DEC, II banish thee back to the null-space from which you came!  (The VAX screams ! and the scream fades to silence.)r  sD (CUT to the doorway of the Machine room, which now stands open.  The< VAXORCIST is once again wearing his trench coat and fedora.)  e SYSMGR:  So it's over?  y/ VAXORCIST: (Putting his hat on) Yes, it's over.e  oK SYSMGR:  (Shaking the VAXORCISTs hand) Thank God.  Listen, thanks a lot.  Io/ don't know what we would have done without you.e   G VAXORCIST:  Hey, it's the least we could do.  The Software Distribution G Center should be sending you a patch tape in a week or two to patch outrG that AI routine and prevent this from happening again.  Sign here.  (hedI hands SYSMGR the clipboard, SYSMGR signs at the bottom and hands it back) % Have a good one.  (VAXORCIST leaves).S   9 (SYSMGR enters the machine room.  Camera follows him in.)r   C SYSMGR:  (Calling to someone off-camera)  Okay, you guys, let's getsF rolling.  Get those backup tapes out.  We've got a clean system again!J (cheers are heard from off-camera.  The SYSMGR leaves the picture, leavingJ only the VAX with it's cabinet doors still open in the picture.  Slow zoomF in to the LSI unit.  Slowly, the LSI unit begins to emit a pulsing red glow)r  d (Fade to black.  CREDITS ROLL)K ---------------------------------------------------------------------------eI Copyright (C) 1991 by Christopher Russell (crussell@eng.umd.edu).  PleaseoF feel free to copy this and pass it around if it amuses you, as long as this notice is left intact.g  tK Any similarity between characters appearing in this script and any persons,hI creatures, or entities living, dead, or otherwise is purely coincidental.   MD I am no longer an employee of the University of Maryland, so I'm notG particularly bothered if you think that they are responsible for any ofh) this.  Unless it's funny, then it's mine.    E Thanks to my friends and colleagues at the University of Maryland and?E elsewhere for their help and encouragement in the developement of thei script and the video.a  H