L From:	IN%"KENNEDY@Eisner.DECUS.Org"  "Terry Kennedy" 22-JUL-1992 16:41:12.28 To:	IN%"terry@spcvxa.spc.edu"  CC:	# Subj:	Notefile SHOP_TALK Note 20.13   ' Return-path: <KENNEDY@Eisner.DECUS.Org> B Received: from Eisner.DECUS.Org by spcvxa.spc.edu (PMDF #2329 ) idC  <01GMOPE4O7VK8WWDFN@spcvxa.spc.edu>; Wed, 22 Jul 1992 16:40:50 EDT D Received: from Eisner.DECUS.Org by Eisner.DECUS.Org (PMDF #2354 ) idM  <01GMOOQN9L9Y000SO9@Eisner.DECUS.Org>; Wed, 22 Jul 1992 16:20:32 -0400 (EDT) & Date: 22 Jul 1992 16:20:26 -0400 (EDT). From: Terry Kennedy <KENNEDY@Eisner.DECUS.Org>& Subject: Notefile SHOP_TALK Note 20.13 To: terry@spcvxa.spc.edu1 Message-id: <01GMOOQNB75K000SO9@Eisner.DECUS.Org> 6 Organization: Digital Equipment Computer Users Society# X-VMS-To: in%"terry@spcvxa.spc.edu"  MIME-version: 1.0 * Content-type: TEXT/PLAIN; CHARSET=US-ASCII Content-transfer-encoding: 7BIT   B               <<< EISNER::DUA3:[NOTES$LIBRARY]SHOP_TALK.NOTE;1 >>>0                                  -< SHOP_TALK >-P ================================================================================P Note 20.13                       Computer Humor                         13 of 13P EISNER::COCHRANE "F. Arthur Cochrane, WHO_AM_I 448" 501 lines  22-JUL-1992 15:51A                -< VAXTrek Phase 2 (the Sequel), on DECUs CD 9. >- P --------------------------------------------------------------------------------C Take a rest, put your feet up, and enjoy the sequel to VAXtrek ....   6 V    V   A     X  X  TTTTTT  RRRR      EEEEEE    K   K4 V   V   AA     X X     T    R   R     E         K  K2 V  V   A A     XX     T    R  RR     E         K K0 V V   A  A    XX     T    RRRR      EEEEE     KK1 VV   AAAAA   X X    T    R    R    E         K  K 2 V   A    A  X  X   T    R     R   EEEEEEE   K    K  - VAXTREK Phase 2 (the Upgrade Continues) .....   E These are the voyages of the StarVAX ENTERP::, its five-year mission: G to explore strange new nodes, to seek out new protocols, new  hardware- I to boldly address where no call-request packet has been addressed before! F (and, if possible, provide some entertainment for our illustrious, but oversexed captain). K --------------------------------------------------------------------------- J "Captain's Log - Etherdate 0B-00-0D-7C-00-D9, Field Service Engineer Scott1  making error log entry on behalf of the Captain.   H  We are currenly in orbit around the planet identified as "/usr/planet",G  having replenished the etherdrives with fresh packets. The captain and I  Systems Programmer Spock, with two security ACLs are down on the planet. I  We cann'a beam them up due to interference from the planet, and the Unix K  have now given us a two hour deadline to surrender, or be attacked. End of G  Log entry.  The light hasn't gone out, Yeoman, is it still recording ? L  I think so, try pressing the blue button. [CLICK] "Captains Log - EtherdateJ  0B-00-0D-7C-00-D9, Field Service Engineer Scott making error log [CLUNK]"!  I dinna want to hear that again! 2  I don't think you should have kicked it Mr Scott.K  It's still running, hang on, I'll get a screwdriver, and ZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTT"   H Scott hurriedly put the fused log console under the chair, reconsidered,N took it out again, and tied a large red label around it.  "Call the DiagnosticF Supervisor please Yeoman, and ask him to come to the bridge as soon as
 possible."  O *******************************************************************************   ; In the wink of an event flag, Kirk was back in a COM state.  "Spock, $WAKE"3 "SPOCK-F-ISTHATTHETIME-What's the matter Captain ?" I "Something approaching us from over there", Kirk pointed towards the high B address end of the free blocks in which the party was HIBernating.M "Set PHA0s on wildcard sweep", said Kirk, as a tall creature swapped into the  context of the temporary camp.  3 "Fear not, I mean you no harm;", said the creature. K Kirk aimed his PHA0 at the lurking figure. "Come out where we can see you".   H The creature stepped forward, an ageing looking humanoid, wearing rather# a lot of faded decorative clothing.   0 "I watched your interaction with the Signallers;/  it seems that you are an enemy of the system;"   5 "We came in peace. We were attacked ...", began Kirk.    "It is not safe to stay here;   we must move quickly;'  I know a place where we will be safe;"   J The landing party followed the creature through several layers of tortuousI code, and down into the internals of /usr/planet. They eventually came to  a large cavern.    "This is our address;   you are welcome here;"   L Kirk looked around. There were several stacks of dusty data structures lyingH around. "Obviously don't believe in garbage collection", he whispered to# Spock. Kirk turned to the creature:   F "I am Captain James Kirk of the Federation of Clusters. This is System/ Programmer Spock, and what might your name be?"    "I am called Pascal;"   A "Interesting", said Spock, "I had wondered about the semicolons". 9 Realization dawned on Kirk. "You are a Pascal compiler ?"    The creature drew himself up:   ( "I am THE Pascal compiler for this node;1  Let me introduce you to some of our colleagues;"   @ Some figures stepped out from the shadows using an "fg" command.  K "Hearty and felicitous salutations to you and your gallant band of stalwart L starfarers. It is with great elation and delight that I behold your presenceG here, as it augurs well for our collective futures", intoned one of the 
 newcomers.  : "Thank you", said Kirk, "you must be the Cobol compiler ?"  E "Indubitably and verily yea, but, unfortunately, somewhat indigent in A contemporary experience of providing translative services to user  originated source tasks".    "Uhh..."  M "Captain", whispered SPock, "I think he means he hasn't compiled any programs  lately"   4 "Thanks Spock, say I didn't know you knew any Cobol"  K Spock hastily looked around, then looked relieved as he realized there were M no other Systems Programmers on the planet.  "A little", he admitted, "but it + was a long time ago, when I was a student."   B         "Gree ti ngsGen tlem en, a ndw elc om eto our /usr/planet"  I Kirk stared blankly at the newcomer, an individual of powerful build, and 0 someone who had the air of efficiency about him.  J "Captain", said Spock, "this is obviously a FORTRAN compiler, note how the> location of spaces in his speech is quite unimportant to him."  7 "I had figured it out Spock, that and his indentation."   C Spock stared curiously at FORTRAN's teeth, but saw nothing unusual.   7 "su gnoma uoy evah ot deronoh era ew", intoned a third.   * "We are honored also, APL", answered Kirk.  I "(WE ARE (THE) (COMPILERS WHO (ARE FUGITIVES FROM (THE SYSTEM) BE WELCOME  (AMONG (US)))))"  < "No prizes for guessing who he is", whispered Kirk to Spock.  4 "Gentlemen, perhaps you would like some refreshment;7  we have frugal fare, but you are welcome to share it;"   F The crew sat down to a meal which consisted of assorted buffers, whichF was similar to the traditional diet of SRPs washed down with non-pagedG pool.  After the meal, Pascal suggested they relocate to a meeting room I for discussion. After the context switch, they found themselves in a room C with a large round table. In the corner, a youth was weaving cloth.   H "This is young BASIC;", introduced Pascal. The youth nodded, and resumed' his weaving.  Pascal whispered to Kirk: L "He is not quite as intelligent as the rest of us, but we gave him this job;*  because his string handling was so good;"  I The party took seats around the table, and prepared to discuss what to do  next.   M *****************************************************************************   K The Diagnostic Supervisor stepped out of Turbolift TLA3:, and stared at the H carnage before him on the bridge.  The captain's OPA0 console was nearly9 completely dismantled, and components littered the floor.   E "Ah, there you are, McCoy, I'm just having a spot of trouble with the J log recorder.  I have replaced everything in the chair except the paint so far ..."   The communicator beeped.H "Ensign Roche to Bridge, I've located 15 liters of the chemical colorant you were looking for".  O "Good, send it up to the bridge, along with two crewmen armed with multibristle  emulsion applicators."  M "McCoy", he said, turning to the amazed Supervisor, "have you any ideas abouts6 repelling this attack, and getting the captain back ?"  G "I have been in touch with Remote Diagnostics", said McCoy, earning therJ kind of respectful looks from the bridge crew normally awarded to a mediumF who has claimed contact with the late departed, "and they advise us to: reverse the position of the ship while they lock weapons."  K "Mr Scott", exclaimed Checksum, "planet is locking weapons on the ENTERP::,e+ some kind of MOVC5 with zero operand beam".C  I "This could erase our entire address space, Checksum, bring us about, 180n	 degrees".v  J The ENTERP:: executed a series of dizzying ROTL instructions, bringing itsC face about.  The planetary weapons fired, vaporizing a nearby moon.O  0 "I am verra impressed, McCoy, how did it work ?"  J "We simply transposed the least significant part of our start address withM the most significant, producing a bitwise reversed virtual address.  NormallyuG this would cause an access violation, but with the weapons latched ontoeE the first byte as a length indicator it resulted in considerable more 2 destruction than planned, but in the wrong place".  ; "But, that might have destroyed the captain and Mr Spock !"-  I "Ah, well it says here, 'Warning: the redirection of the weapon may cause L system failure, loss of files, or complete destruction of life as we know itJ on nearby planets or satellites.  Consequently, Digital recommends caution in the use of this patch'."   K "Hmm, anyway, it should take them a while to regen those weapons, meanwhile 1 lets work on a way to recover the landing party."K  E *********************************************************************e  5 "We are prepared to help you escape from /usr/planet;p*  but we need some help from you in return;)  You must help free us from the tyranny;"h  E "We will do our best", said Kirk, "but I need more information.  What,8  architecture is this planet based  upon for instance ?"  J FORTRAN flexed his muscles at this point.  As the nearest thing to machine7 code in the group, this was more his area of expertise.0  * "       Thi spl anet uses wha tis c all ed)      &  R IS C.  I k nown otw hat iti s."   , Kirk turned to Spock.  "This is incredible".  J "Indeed Captain, RISC or Reliably Induced System Crash machines are pretty
 rare now".  H "But it gives us a chance, the ENTERP:: will have a copy of CRASHME.C in its backup tapes".  K "Captain, there is one thing you have not considered:  The Non-interferencee Directive".u  K "Spock, the Prime Directive refers to living flourishing cultures.  This is  a Unix system !"  I Kirk turned to the group of compilers (or "Library of Compilers" as Spock" had pointed out previously).  I "Our ship has a program that when run by a non-privileged user will crashnG any RISC machine known.  If you help us regain contact, we can download  the file to you."   H "These are indeed fortuitous tidings of a most aggreeable and impressiveH nature.  Let us give succor to our newfound allies, and embark upon thisF great quest.  Once armed with this formidable weapon, I opine that our' endeavors will indeed bear much fruit".c  G "He does go on a bit Spock", whispered Kirk, "did people really have to* type this stuff in ?"*  I "It is easy to see why the Unix banished him.  A people who design systemCN commands which  minimize the distance travelled by fingers on a keyboard would  not long tolerate his verbosity"  ( "If you hope to gain access to your ship  THEN ?    we must take  you to the least protected area of the planet:P    /usr/pub ;"  L **************************************************************************** "I think I have an idea".a  K The bridge crew groaned.  They were already shivering in their underclothes.K because Scotty was convinced that static interference from the uniforms was  affecting the CAPTAINS.LOG.h  P "Scotty, I'm a doctor, not a cryogeneticist", growled the Diagnostic Supervisor, "this one had better be good".  F "Oh never mind the console, it's not on contract anyway.  I mean aboutI rescuing the landing party.  Mr Checksum, please activate SYSGEN and loadoA the NFS Client Driver.  We are about to impersonate a late moon."e  L ****************************************************************************! "Here is the /usr/pub directory;"e9  Nowhere else will you find a more dispicable collection;w*  of bugs and viruses. We must be careful;"  H The party descended down the side of the inode to /usr/pub, out of whichG came the noise of riotous drinking, with the occasional hint of drunkenh rioting.  H From the distance came two figures, one mounted on a chestnut filesystemJ one walking sullenly behind. The mounted figure was pointing his finger at
 something.  G "Oh", said Pascal, "That's Don X the 11th of Athena in the Land of MIT;n- And behind him is his servant, Sancho Motif;"h  F "Fascinating", said Spock, "this is the man who invented Windmills, onG which our DECWindmills was based.  It would be most interesting to talkd% to him.  What memories he must have!"m  G "At least 16 Megs in order to run Windmills, Spock", replied Kirk, "buts we haven't time at the moment".g  K As the approached, Kirk was startled to see an old 20th century alarm clocko/ suddenly appear in the air beside Don X's head.e  ) "Sancho!", Don X shouted, "Cut that out!"   F The clock vanished, and the pair passed them by, with Sancho shuffling% awkwardly behind his session manager.e  , "Those shoes look uncomfortable", said Kirk.  % "That is the MIT binding, which only;.6  fits shoes of size C comfortably;", explained Pascal.  K ***************************************************************************kI "Mr Scott, I have successfully mounted an area of /usr/planet as a remotee NFS client disk   F "Excellent Checksum.  Remind me to mention you in 'Software Dispatch'"  E "Scotty", exclaimed McCoy, "the least mention of what we're doing thenC better.  Not only are you using the IP address of that moon, you'velD altered our ethernet address as well, which is not only against Star> Fleet regulations, but a flagrant abuse of LOG_IO privileges".  C "Pipe down McCoy, you dinna want to be found out by an ARP do you?"i  J McCoy, who wouldn't recognize an ARP request if it shouted his name in his ear, piped down.  F "Mr Scott, the area seems to be some kind of public recreational area.A I've narrowed in on a small area that seems to be write enabled."   E "Very good, Mr Checksum, full sensor scan for any sign of intelligentH case independent life forms".E  K ***************************************************************************e? The trio entered /usr/pub, and took a small table.  Around themsI people were drinking and engaged in unintelligible arguments (like "-cFS"wI or "-xb 250").  A swarthy individual approached the group, and thrust his  face close to Kirk's.   * "i don't like your interface  !", he said.  G "I'm sorry about that", said Kirk, "it's a standard string descriptor".i  8 "it'll be a standard 'kill -9' if you're not careful !!"  F "I'm sorry, I'll try to remember in future".  Kirk whispered to Spock,= "Quick Spock immobilize him with your Vulcan whatever-it-is".a  J Spock stepped forward and brought his knee up smartly into the aggressor'sG groin.  He emitted a plausible imitation of a head crash, and collapsed F on the floor.  There was a momentary State Transition, as silence fellC on the room.  Then normal activity was resumed, and no-one paid any*; futher attention to the group. Spock turned to the captain:o  ? "It is better not to enable privileges if they are not needed."   3 "Well done Spock, you must teach me that sometime."o  9 "Friends, we are in luck.  Look over there;" said Pascal.r  I Spock and Kirk peered through the haze at a lone figure at another table,e+ who seemed in an advanced state of entropy.e  > "It is the linker.  If we are to load CRASHME into the system;  we will need his help;"  D They approached the figure.  "Hi there old timer, can we join you?", asked Kirk.   H The figure looked up blearily, and waved to an empty process slot besideB him.  They took turns to swap in and out of the only  spare chair.  ( "Greetings old friend, what ails you ?;"  F "well how would you feel", he growled, "if you had nothing to link butF  output from c programs for the last 500 megacycles. do you think it's  fun or something ?"  I "How would you like to link and load a really interesting program writtent  in Pascal ?;"  G A light entered the linker's eyes, and settled down to its unaccustomeds perch behind his retinas.   K "if you can still remember how to compile one, i can link it", he declared, : raising the glass to his lips and nearly drinking from it.  E "All we have to do is get the program from the ENTERP::", said Spock.e  ? "First things first", said Kirk, "I must purge my working set".   G He walked from the table, and entered the small room at the back markedr "/dev/john" O *******************************************************************************r. "Mr Scott, I have a fix - it's Captain Kirk !"  I "Mr Scott to transporter room. Lock onto navigator's coordinates and beamo to the bridge immediately"  I The captain materialized next to the navigator console, with an extremelyb surprised look on his face.a  J "Cap'n Kirk, it's good to see you" beamed Scotty (through force of habit).  H "Scotty, your sense of timing is dreadful", said Kirk, hurriedly zippingD himself up, "sorry about your console Checksum - well done Mr Scott.L Dr McCoy, search the ship's library for an archive program called CRASHME.C.B Run it through the universal translator into Pascal, and bring theE result to the Transport Level as soon as it is ready.   Now Mr Scott,s% why is my Error Logger bright blue ?'a  K ***************************************************************************e= Kirk returned to the table carrying a small magtape with him.t  G "Captain", said  Spock, "from the fact your carrying an archaic form ofaF software distribution with a proprietary  label on it, I conclude thatD you have somehow reached the ENTERP:: and obtained a copy of CRASHMEF translated into Pascal.  What I don't understand is how you managed to' have wet your trousers in the process."a  @ "Shut up Spock - one word of this and I'll let INFO-VAX know you understand Cobol."   "A trick of the light I'm sure"   H Kirk turned to Pascal: "take this - it contains the key to your future".  2 "You don't mean I need a license PAK to run it ?;"  4 "Not that sort of key - come on Spock, time to RET".  ? Pascal and the linker gazed at the tape.  The linker whispered:u  G "better remove the propietary label, unless you want to be charged withr being a capitalist spy."   "We are most grateful;  How can we repay you;"   ( "Well", said Kirk, "there is something."  
 "Name it;"  I "Do you think you could not insist that you have to declare procedures inaN the reverse order that you call them ?  It always seems strange to have to put the main program last".a  I "And", said Spock, "how about passing strings by descriptor like everyonen else ?"o    "Next Major Release, I promise;"  G Kirk and Spock entered /dev/john drawing strange looks from some of theu other people in the bar.  K *************************************************************************** G Kirk watched the image of /usr/planet dwindle in the viewer, and turned*( off his backup copy of the Error Logger.  ; "Captain, special Kernel mode AST from Star Fleet command."o   "On main viewer."e  C The image of a high ranking officer from the Star Trek pool (paged)t appeared on the screen.o  H "Captain Kirk and the crew of the ENTERP:: A few cycles ago, a terroristG group called the Popular Organization for the Suppression of Individual*G eXpression (POSIX) broke into the Historical Preservation star cluster,nH and carried out an act of wanton sabotage.  They  managed to effectively& delete the server's System Dump file."   "But what is the point ..."r  M "Don't interrupt me, I'm running at IPL 2.  This system has the only existingaN copy of VMS 4.7.  Under that version, dump files are not marked as permanently9 open by the file system.  You realize the implications ?"y  L "Yes, if the file is deleted, its blocks will be returned to the free pool."  F "Precisely, and from there they will be allocated to new files. If theE system goes down later, it will write to all those blocks, hosing any*E files which have been unlucky enough to allocate them.  Your mission,lF Jim, whether you decide to accept it or not, is to locate those blocks> and allocate them before that system goes down.  That is all."  6 The screen went blank.  Kirk stepped back to his seat.  E "Checksum, plot a course for the Historical Preservation cluster.  Mra< Scott, allocate SCHED spinlock and set IPL to Warp Factor 8.D Mr Spock, lock our code into memory, I don't want any exceptions, noH matter whose fault it is."  He waved his hand in the traditional gestureG of a VAXfleet captain indicating the ship was to move or change course.g    "Engage Change Mode to Kernel !"  K ***************************************************************************e  B         Will the ENTERP::  undo the damage done by the terrorists?4         What will happen to the renegade compilers ?5         Will Spock remember to release the spinlock ?p=         Do the guys who wrote this ever do any serious work ?c  / Tune in to VAXtrek 3:  "The Search for Blocks".e  K ***************************************************************************a  H VAXtrek was written by               Tom  Wade   <t.wade@vms.eurokom.ie>L                                      Eoin Meehan <meehan@tech2.printech.ie>.  