! X-NEWS: spcvxb comp.os.vms: 50902 T Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.1B7+SPC1,2 05/22/93 VAX/VMS V5.5-2; site spcvxb.spc.eduT Path: spcvxb!uunet!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!swrinde!network.ucsd.edu!mvb.saic.com!info-vax Newsgroups: comp.os.vms & Subject: VAXTrek-3 (some comic relief)0 Message-ID: <01GZMZQIF55000004L@KIRK.EUROKOM.IE>2 From: Tom Wade VMS Systems <T.Wade@vms.eurokom.ie>/ Date: Mon, 21 Jun 1993 11:24:06 +0100 (WET-DST) - Organization: Info-Vax<==>Comp.Os.Vms Gateway # X-Gateway-Source-Info: Mailing List 
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 Greetings,  - Take a quick break from all the flames ......   6 V    V   A     X  X  TTTTTT  RRRR      EEEEEE    K   K4 V   V   AA     X X     T    R   R     E         K  K2 V  V   A A     XX     T    R  RR     E         K K0 V V   A  A    XX     T    RRRR      EEEEE     KK1 VV   AAAAA   X X    T    R    R    E         K  K 2 V   A    A  X  X   T    R     R   EEEEEEE   K    K  ) VAXTREK Version 3 (The Search for Blocks)   L S1 Space: The Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the StarVAX ENTERP::,O its five-year mission: to explore strange new nodes, to seek out new protocols, G new  hardware-- to boldly address where no call-request packet has been M addressed before! (and, if possible, provide some cheap shots at the failings  of inferior operating systems). K ---------------------------------------------------------------------------   H "Captain's Log etherdate 08-00-2B-76-76-50.  We are currently patrollingI  the Historical Cluster, locating deleted blocks from a System Dump file, G  and returning them to the free pool.  It is a paintaking task, but one K  which allows me enough free time to pursue the female talent on the ship."   I "Captain", said Spock, "I have been analyzing coded traffic which we have L  intercepted from the Popular Organization for the Suppression of IndividualN  eXpression, and I have deciphered what appears to be an interesting message."   "Go ahead Spock."    "The message reads:   D 	With respect to POSIX interim standard (draft) currently developingC 	application interfaces (C Binding) for the Destruction of non-Open 9 	File Systems, currently at rev 124.11 awaiting committee C 	ratifications of amendments 107 thru 166 (provisional).  Estimated : 	time for completion of this phase of the specification is9 	approximately 14 months.  Subsequent specification phase B 	(preliminary draft specification) will then commence, followed byB 	(incorporating necessary alterations and deletions) a revision of, 	progress so far, and a Feasability Report".  < "Very good Spock.  What does this look like after decoding?"   "This is decoded Captain".   "Well, what does it mean ?"   I "Basically, it means they haven't gotten around to writing any code yet."   , "But, if the POSIX didn't do it,  who did ?"  F "Captain", said Checksum, "sensors are picking up an unidentified node dead ahead".  J "Red alert Mr Checksum.  Raise firewall filters and arm photon torpedoes".  @ "Aye sir.  BYPASS privilege enabled.  Device PTA0 shows online."  $ "Open hailing frequencies Lt Uhura".  1 "Negative response to ARP and HELLO packets sir".   - "Can you locate its hardware address, No 1 ?"   3 There was a pause.  "I mean, Mr Spock", added Kirk.   G "I have cross checked what I can make out with the Distributed Nodename M Service", said Spock.  He straightened up and looked directly at the captain, ! "it appears to be a Plague Ship".   * "A Plague Ship? Explain, Spock" said Kirk.  N "Certainly, Captain. Plague ships are so named because they indulged in unsafeL practices, such as booting from a wide variety of different servers, withoutM checking the server's past interfacing history. In addition, they would often L share data structures and load modules between many such systems, and rarely
 used a modem.   H Consequently they were very susceptible to virus attack, particularly asB the operating system security was non-existent.  Later versions of? this system, Minimal Security Demented Operating System (MSDOS) > carried large numbers of viruses as part of its normal kernel.  A Indeed by version 28.0, all the OS code had been replaced by self ? replicating viruses which emulated the old behavior, until such > time as they inexplicably went into pathogenic mode.  In fact,B because the overall performance and functionality of these systemsC were so much better, this substitution went largely unnoticed until @ several versions later, as even the pathogenic behavior (such asE removing boot blocks and erasing the odd sector (or all odd sectors))  was becoming commonplace.   F Plague ships have not been in evidence for at least 50 years since the3 first release of Was New Technology (WNT) in 1998."   J "Well" said Kirk, "See if you can patch into its record-structure and findH out whats it doing in this neck of virtual space ... and don't forget to" invoke safe networking practices!"  K "Certainly, Captain" said Spock enabling CMKRNL. "I'll just run off a quick 7 NETBIOS emulator. Shouldn't be more than 5 minutes ..."   M " ... Captain, I think I've got something ... it appears the Plague Ship came F in contact with some alien force ... it was hit with some pretty largeM protocol blocks ... it looks like some form of SDLC, but modified and adapted L ... S ... N ... A ... yes, a new weapon called SNA. Its NETBIOS shields were no match for that protocol!"  J "My God" said Kirk. "It's been utterly devasted - what life-form would use such a weapon?"   I Just then, the doors of turbo-lift TLA0: opened and Whine-on the tea-lady < stepped out pushing her anti-grav tea-trolley. "Tea anyone?"  8 She stopped dead when she looked over at Spocks console.  K "Ooooooohhhhhh! Bad news Mr Spock! Thats an SNA weapon that is! Wouldn't go 9 near one of those if I were you! Bad piece of news that!"   2 "Whine-on!" shouted Kirk. "You know who did this?"  M "Cor yes luvey" she replied. "It was the Bug. Yes I remember them Bug people. I  Awl looked the same, dressed in clean blue suits and ties.  Never smiled M  they didn't.  They came down and ignored us ordinary folk.  Went straight to L  the accountants and politicians and started on them.  Lord it was terrible,8  the screams, the crying out in the middle of the night"  H "They inflicted torture on the leaders of your people ?", queried Spock.  I "Lawks no love - are you sure you don't want a cuppa?  OK.  No, they just N  kept talking real softly at them.  Persuading them to buy something I think."  M "Interesting", said Spock, "there was an ancient practice whereby people were N  employed fulltime not to develop hardware or software, but merely to sell it.K  It was a practice that never really caught on in Digital, and finally died B  out.  It looks like the Bug brought this practice to a fine art".  J "That's as maybe", sniffed Whine-on, "but they were something awful.  TheyM  just kept on until their victim finally bought something to get rid of them. K  If they didn't, they started on his boss, until he were fired.  'You never N  lose your job buying from the Bug' they'd say.  Of course, once anyone boughtJ  anything, they were hooked.  They'd be put on mailing lists.  They'd findM  out about pre-rekky-sits, which meant before they got what they bought, they J  had to buy lots of other things first.  Then they introduced their secretM  weapon:  The Support Con-Tract.  This meant that you paid them lots of money L  to prove you supported them.  In return, they gave you fixes that made more9  things go wrong, which proved you needed the Con-Tract."   . "Fascinating", said Spock, "truly diabolical".  J "In the end, they just wiped everything out.  They kept on until everybody  was assimmylated."   J "Spock" barked Kirk, "see if you can locate any addresses from its Network Trace".   M "Retrieving it now Captain. I managed to access the Sensors Socket Address -- - it seems to be the address of its boot node."   C "Give it to Checksum and get him to plot a course - Warp Factor 8!"   I "Wouldn't you like a nice cream bun m'dears ?  Lawks what's their hurry?"   3             ***************************************   L "Captain", said Checksum, "the coordinates bring us close to that large blue5 planet.  Perhaps that is the satellite's boot node?".   N Kirk stared at the distant image on the screen.  "That's no planet.  Checksum, get us out of here!"  J "Aye captain.  Engaging warp drive.  Captain, I'm getting a 'device is not'  software enabled' from WPA0 and WPA1!"D  I The `planet' seemed to loom closer.  The bridge crew gazed silently as itsJ took shape.  A huge blue cube of enormous dimensions, and perfectly smooth sides filled the viewer.  K The Diagnostic Supervisor entered the bridge, and gazed at the screen, withe a wild look in his eyes.  I "I feel a presence.  A huge number of minds, but only one consciousness". / He shivered. "And such an old, old technology".K  L "Bones, what the hell are you talking about", snapped Kirk, "you're a doctor  not a psychic"   , "Sorry", said Bones, "did I say something ?"  K Kirk stood up from his command chair. "Mr. Spock, please join me in the PAD / room. I think you might find this stimulating".   K Spock looked uncomfortable. "I think you would prefer Yeoman Rand, Captain.: Honestly!".t- 	"Idiot! I want us to board the Bug vessel!!"eF 	"Oh" said Spock, relieved. (Yeoman Rand looked decidely crestfallen).  D Kirk, Spock, Pasthru and Checksum stepped on to the Transporter PAD.# 	"Energize, Mr Scott!" barked Kirk.) 	"Aye, sir"-  K The boarding party reassembled on the Bug vessel. All around them as far assH they could see, were rows of rectangular objects, each with a motionless6 Bug machine seated behind it, ignoring their presence.  C 	"Fascinating!" said Spock twiddling his Tricorder. "Each member ofkL the Bug seems to contribute to the running of this huge ship!." Spock walkedF over to the nearest Bug.  "There seems to be no evidence of individual- conciousness whatsoever".  He turned to Kirk.   B 	"Captain, this is apparently what is called 'a workstation' or 'aH desk'. Here, the Bug-machine can communicate with his fellow Bug using aM method of communication which they call 'a memo'. It is a highly inefficient  H way of communicating, needing to use a verbose protocol. It's apparentlyE transmitted using this PROFS terminal which I can deduce means PrettytM Ridiculous Offering For a System. I would like to run this 'memo' through them Universal Translator"s  F 	"Ok, make it so", said Kirk, wondering what made him say that. He ranO his hand through his hair. "I'm getting a bit thin on top as well", he thought.   C 	After two hours, the Universal Translator gave up, consuming three L dilithium HDA's in the process. All HDA's in VAXfleet Field Service were nowL in pieces on the floor of engineering, and Engineer Scott was talking to his
 communicator. H 	"I don't care if they're not up to current rev levels - ship them to us NOW".B  # It apparently could not translate:- A "With oblique reference to the aforementioned low-end entry-levelfI departmental-oriented worker-enabling desktop workstation, the networkingnA interface protocol required to provide connectionless, or indeed,eH connection-oriented  connections at the connection level (this not beingC compliant with the aforementioned osi stack, as such, per se) woulda= involve recognising non-Silly Networking Atrocity protocols."c  B 	But Spock got the idea. What passed for concern clouded his face.# 	"Spock", said Kirk. "Whats wrong?"dC 	"Captain, I think we have discovered the purpose of the Bug in our N Cluster. They want to convert all networking protocols in the civilised galaxy" from peer-to-peer to hierarchical"/ 	"Spock, you know what this means?" asked Kirk.iE 	"Yes Captain, all network traffic will have to route through central  nodes controlled by the Bug."rH 	"But that would mean transmissions would take years!!! That's archaic!"L Well done Spock! Let's get back to the ENTERP:: Remind me to buy you a drink when we get back" - 	"Thank you Captain, but thats not necess..."h  D 	Spock stopped in mid-sentence. At the mention of the word "buy" theM bug-machines stood up and started to move towards the party. The bug machinesrI reached inside their battle dress and pulled out pieces of paper.  Slowlyh7 the army of blue suits walked purposely toward them ...    		***************************u  E "Damn it Scotty, what's taking them so long", grumbled the Diagnostic,. Supervisor, "I blame that pointy eared Coder."  L "I think I'd better get them back", said Scotty, "but I canna find the rightL switch".  Scotty groped at the TRA0: console, trying vainly to set the right combination of PAD parameters.  , "Why don't you remove those stupid shades ?"  J Scotty removed the rather decorative visor from his face.  "Can't rememberK why I put it on, it seemed natural at the time".  He set the PAD to Recall." The landing party reappeared.c  I "Well done Mr Scott", said Kirk, "that was a very close call, much longeru+ and some real damage would have been done".   J "The Bug were certainly very effective", said Spock, "how are you going toG explain to VAXfleet why we needed to purchase 120 punch card readers ?"t  H "Never mind that now, Spock, I want all senior officers in my Ready Room  by 19:00".    Another pause.  % "What's a Ready Room ?", asked Spock.   9 "What's 19:00 ?", asked several hundred American viewers.S    "What's Senior ?", asked Wesley.   "Who's that boy ?", said Kirk.   "What boy ?", said Spock.e  ) "Over there, he's ... well he WAS there!"   > Spock eyed the Captain. "Perhaps you should lie down, Jim ..."  G "Never mind, Spock, have the regular cast report to the Briefing Room."n   		***************************   J Kirk faced the assembled officers, fighting the urge to quote Shakespeare.  I "We are facing two problems, which may be related.  Firstly, the presencesJ of the Bug Ship, and secondly, the strange behavior of several of us here"    The officers shuffled awkwardly.  5 "Captain, I didn't know the shower was occupied ...."   + "I only meant it as a short term loan ...."e  & "I put the sheep back afterwards ...."  G Kirk banged his fist on the table.  "No, not that.  We are all adoptingdJ strange characteristics".  He suppressed the image of vines blowing in the wind in the French countryside.L  < "I mean ... Spock !  You're grinning !  Stop that at once !"  G "Really Captain, I am incapable of such an emotional display.  Have you /  forgotten my Vulcan origins ?".  Spock leered.o  < "You're doing it again !  Pasthru, penny for your thoughts."  I "Captain, why should you wish to purchase my thoughts.  Indeed the amountsJ  suggested would grossly underestimate their value.  Ah I see, a figure of<  speech suggesting that I contribute to the ongoing debate".  1 Kirk groaned.  "Are we all hallucinating Bones ?"i  N Bones shifted in his chair, looking somewhat incongruous in his low cut tunic.G "Yesterday, I looked into a mirror, and the face I saw was not my own".e   "Whose was it ?"  E "Checksum's.  Damned idiot was making faces behind my back.  Too muchh Romulan Ale I reckon".  2 The communicator beeped.  "Bridge to Captain Kirk"  2 "Kirk here", said Kirk, fiddling with his uniform.    "Bug ship is moving towards us".  5 "Sound Red Alert.  Let's get to our posts gentlemen".   I All left the room except Spock.  When he was completely alone, he put they% trombone to his lips and played .....e   		***************************u  L "Captain!" shouted Pasthru, "Sensors indicated the Bug vessel is powering up	 weapons!"o  # "Shields to maximum!" snapped Kirk.   M An explosion rocked the bridge. Spock scrambled to his console. "Captain", heeO shouted. "We've been hit by some form of Token Ring packets. It simply mimicked 6 the address of the shields and came straight through!"E 	"Start changing the shields address randomly", replied Kirk. "It mayn give us some thinking time."  L Spock began working his console. He entered his commands to the computer and= waited. The reply was not what he expected. The console said:d  ; 	"Beginning assimilation of ENTERP, classification MINI....p? 	This console is now a RJE 2780 terminal. Commands submitted onw6 	this console will be queued for overnight processing.  " "Mini !  Bloody cheek", said Kirk.  P He walked over to Uhura. "Lieutenant, make this signal to VAXfleet headquarters"K Uhura tried to open a frequency. Her console flashed "All communications to N VAXfleet must be routed through BUGGYVM1. Sub-system is busy, please wait ..."  N "Captain" said Spock. "That last attack let in some form of BUG virus. All ourP systems are being transmuted to hierarchical networks!! Checksum! What's wrong?"  O Checksum had stood up from his console, gripped his throat and fell over. BonescO ran over and knelt beside him. Checksum's uniform had started to turn dark blued@ and a tie was forming around his neck, along with a white shirt.  M "My God" exclaimed Bones. "This is diabolical! He appears to be infected witheD some form of biological virus that's transmuting him into something"  L Spock knelt beside Bones. "I think you'll find he is being transmuted into a Bug"  L Bones looked worried. "Well if we can't stop this tie thing growing, it willH encircle his neck and cut off the blood supply to the brain!! He'll be a# vegetable, or worse, a salesman !".   5 "Take him to the off-line room, and do what you can."y  G Checksum was carried off the bridge, with a large red label bearing thei8 word "FAULTY" pinned to his rather elegant looking suit.  L "Captain", said Spock, "the main computer is acting rather strangely.  It isI  not responding to any of my queries, except to say that an upgrade is in   progress."l  G "What does it all mean, Spock ?  Why is everyone hallucinating, and why H  should it affect the computer too ?  And most of all, why do I so badly,  want to drink tea, Earl Gray, 72 degrees ?"  K "Captain, something is changing the fundamental nature of this ship, and ofhJ  its crew too.  The frequency of these hallucinations is increasing, and IA  estimate that in about 24 minutes, the change will be complete."i  L "I believe you will find that you have somewhat overestimated the transition  time."t  J The voice came from Pasthru, but was not his voice.  He turned to face the captain.  N "Pasthru, what happened to your eyes ?", said Kirk.  He reached for his chair,I which seemed to change shape as the entire bridge blurred.  He closed hisrK eyes.  He opened them to a totally alien bridge.  The main screen displayedo
 the words:5                       *******************************  			ALPHA  MIGRATION  COMPLETED5                       *******************************h 			 USS ENTERP:: AXP-1701-D 5                       *******************************   6 Captain Jean Lock PunchCard sat up alert in his chair.   "Tactical analysis Mr Fork.D                   L "Bug ship is powering up Channel Attach Disrupters and SNA Packet torpedoes,K  ENTERP:: PHA0 through PHC15 and PTA0: through to PTB24: online and readingnK  110 Specmarks. NSA Security Rating Class A++ is in operation on all decks. 2  We have a Turbochannel open to VAXFleet command."  L PunchCard turned to face the Blue Monolith, which suddenly didn't seem quite& as large as before, and smiled grimly.  ; "Very well then.  Let's show them what this `Mini' can do !c  F  Signal VAXFleet Mr Fork: advise them we are about to engage The Bug."   		***************************e  I Will the newly migrated ENTERP defeat the Bug ?   Is Checksum doomed to a L career in middle management ?  Will the authors qualify for a research grant to write this drivel ?  4 These questions will probably remain unanswered in -  $ 		VMSTrek - the Next AutoGeneration.  K ***************************************************************************o  H VAXtrek was written by               Tom  Wade   <t.wade@vms.eurokom.ie>D                                      Eoin Meehan <E.Meehan@decus.ie>  G who are delighted to receive suggestions, criticisms, further ideas ands% submissions, or small unmarked bills.L  N The previous two episodes are available (along with this one) as VAXTREK.TXT &F VAXTREK2.TXT from the server appropriately named kirk.eurokom.ie using anonymous FTP.  L This article may be reproduced, distributed or published without permission,; provided it is done in its entirety, including this notice.s  O As usual, the authors and their employers take absolutely no responsibility for  anything whatsoever.  K ***************************************************************************r  N ------------------------------------------------------------------------------H Tom Wade        | Internet: T.Wade@vms.eurokom.ie  (all domain mailers).G Network Manager | DEC Enet: DECWRL::"t.wade@vms.eurokom.ie"  (VMS Mail) 5 EuroKom         | PSI-Mail: PSI%272431001992::_T_WADE B UCD Belfield    | JANET:    t.wade%ie.eurokom.vms@UK.AC.EARN-RELAYN Dublin 4        | X400:     g=tom;s=wade;o=eurokom;p=eurokom;a=eirmail400;c=ieI Ireland         | Telex:       (0500) 91178 UCD EI  ("TO: WADE" at start)eN -------------------+----------------------------------------------------------F Tel: +353-1-2830555|  Official Disclaimer:  "This is not a disclaimer"7 Fax: +353-1-2838605|          Unix  ....  Just say No !   