$ X-NEWS: spcvxb rec.arts.drwho: 12824K Relay-Version: VMS News - V6.0-3 14/03/90 VAX/VMS V5.4; site spcvxb.spc.edu o Path: spcvxb.spc.edu!rutgers!usc!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!mips!mips!munnari.oz.au!uunet!mcsun!uknet!gdt!ch0mpc  Newsgroups: rec.arts.drwho! Subject: ** Gallifrey Shorties ** 2 Message-ID: <1992May5.130439.28912@gdt.bath.ac.uk>* From: ch0mpc@gdt.bath.ac.uk (Matt Clifton) Date: 5 May 92 13:04:39 GMT 9 Organization: School of Chemistry, University of Bath, UK 
 Lines: 384    K   Watcha kids. Lousy day in the labs, so I sneaked out while the Nazis were F looking the other way, and managed to get in here to post the slightlyK expurgated version of the Shorties that I worked on with Nat Sones. (Anyone B at Keele who knows Nat, wake him up and tell him to do some bloody
 work, OK?)  J   You know the rules by now, or if you don't, well, they largely speak forH themselves...a short, preferably factual, section from a script, lightlyJ twisted to suit the requirement that it should negate or make obsolete theH whole story, or as much of the Mythos as you can manage. Actually, a fewM of the following are complete cheats and just put in because they're slightly . silly. But enough tedious chat. Here they are:   An Unearthly Child:        (#1)     Ian:Barbera?           Barbera:Yes? 7              Ian:You know that new girl, Susan Foreman?           Barbera:Yes? 4              Ian:I've just run over her Grandfather.  7     (#2)   Barbera:Doctor Foreman, you must let us out! 7                Ian:You can't keep us locked up in here! 3              Susan:Grandfather, please let them go! %             Doctor:......Oh, alright.    The Dead Planet:  3            Doctor:The fluid link is out of mercury.                Ian:No it isn't.     Dalek Invasion of Earth:  B (#1)      Doctor:Oh, for hell's sake, girl, I've had it up to here?                  with your whining. Next planet we stop at, I'm G                  chucking you out and you can walk the rest of the way.   ( (#2)   (Rubble rains down on the TARDIS)         Doctor:Oh, goodness!3      Barbera:Now we can't get back into the TARDIS! E          Ian:No, I think we can just get in down here...(vworp vworp)    Evil of the Daleks:   D       (Several Daleks standing around behind bikesheds, smoking and %     flicking through porno magazines)   !    Dalek:Phwor. Roundels on that.    Seeds of Death:   H          Doctor:So, Slaar, for ten minutes your signal has been going noK                 further than this room! You've sent your fleet into a false                  orbit!  .           Slaar:Oh well, gotta larf, ain't ya.                            *or*              Slaar:Fleet...?   
 War Games:  2            Doctor:(wearily) Yeah, OK, we're spies.   Spearhead from Space:   J          Surgeon:Look at the EEG. Normally, when asleep, the subject still-                  has a lot of brain activity.   .            Monro:Not a lot going on, is there?             Surgeon:Nothing at all.  #            Monro:So he's dead then?   &          Surgeon:Well....yes. (Click.)   Inferno:  =       (Doctor, cigarette in mouth, hails a passing scientist)   !         Doctor:Got a light, mate?    Day of the Daleks:  I               Anat:So you are the one. Outwardly so innocent-looking, yet (                    capable of such evil.  F             Doctor:I'm afraid this is a case of mistaken identity. Sir(                    Reginald is in China.  -               Anat:I know. (machine-gun fire)    Claws of Axos:  H              Jo:It's alright, everyone. The Doctor has a plan. He's goneH                 with the Master and the Axons so he can imprison them in4                 a temporal trap. He'll be back soon.                   (Waits)    #                 He'll be back soon.                    (Waits)   #                 He'll be back soon.                    (Waits)                    You fuck.    Green Death:  D            (The Doctor is in his lab, viewing slides. Jo rushes in.)                 Jo: Hey, Doc...   F            (She trips into the bench, knocking over a jar of compound,7           but quickly picks it up before any is spilt.)   I           Doctor:Phew, that was close. You might have ruined all my work. (                  Now, what did you want?  G               Jo:I'm doing a crossword. How do you spell 'serendipity'?   
 Time Warrior:   D           Sarah:I know! It's one of those pageant things! A medievalE                 reconstruction - you know, get the tourists in, buxom I                 wenches, that sort of thing! I think you're overdoing the '                 sordid realism, though.   I        Irongron:Oh, I'm sorry, Miss. Come on, let's go get a drink before                  the pubs shut.   Planet of the Spiders:  D    (#1)    Doctor:Sarah, this crystal is _very_ powerful, and _very_D                   fragile. If I dropped it, it would fragment into aF                   million pieces. (He drops it and it fragments into a0                   million pieces.) C'est la vie.  I    (#2)    Doctor:(to Sarah) Well, I hope this idea of yours to go in fly I                   costumes works. (opens TARDIS door) Hey, this isn't the ,                   Crowborough Village Ha....   Sontaren Experiment:  J            (A group of little 7-year-old Sontarans are standing around one5           older, bespectacled Sontaran in a labcoat.)   G        Sontaran:You see, if you mix these two colours, it turns purple!          Sontarans:Ooohhh!      Genesis of the Daleks:      (#1)   Doctor:Would you do it?  K          Davros:To know that one touch of my hand would bring such power... J                 to break the flask and release death upon the universe..to:                 become a God in doing so...nah. S'naughty.  M   (#2)   Davros:Bow before me! As I unveil the greatest creature the Universe N                 has ever known! The ultimate travel machine! The most powerfulI                 and self-sufficient life system in Creation! I cal it....   "            (a machine trundles in)                   ...the Car!               (there is silence)   !           Nyder:Umm.....Davros...    Revenge of the Cybermen:  /        Cyberleader:Actually, I quite like gold.   J       (Chorus of 'Me too' and 'Ooh, lovely, Voga' from the other Cybermen)   Brain of Morbius:   $         Condo:What they do in there?  H         Sarah:They're matching their mighty wills against each other, inG               a formidable display of Time Lord strength and willpower.          (Inside lab.)   !       Morbius: You spilt my pint!   (        Doctor:Oh yeah? I could have you.          Morbius:Yeah? Go on, then.          Doctor:Any day, mate.  G       Morbius: (pointing at his outthrust chin) Go on then, hard as you !                like. Right there.    Pyramids of Mars:   G   (#1)    Sutekh:Join me, Doctor! Serve me, truly, and an empire can be                   yours!   #           Doctor:Sounds good to me.   -           Sutekh:I knew we could do business.   E   (#2)    Doctor:(In new body) I knew I should have got one of those  ,                  respiratory bypass systems.  -   (#3)    Doctor:Where was your aerial tuned?        !         Laurence:Kensington. Why?              Doctor:Oh.  K   (#4)    Doctor:The forces being summoned into corporeal existence in that J                  house are more powerful than any I have ever encountered.             (Inside house)  L           Journo#1:Come on, Mr Sutekh. The public have a right to know theseG                    things. The young lady has already given us her side                      of the story.  L           Journo#2:You're going to have to talk to us eventually, Mr Sutekh.   Masque of Mandragora:   H      (#1)   Doctor:You are in great danger! I only hope I'm not too lateG                    to prevent the subjugation of the human race by this 7                    monstrosity! I must see your leader!   *              Guard:What - King Mandragora?               Doctor:Fuck.  G      (#2)  Sarah:(stepping out of TARDIS) Really? Is that where we are? D                  Great. Gives me a chance to brush up on my Italian.  K      (#3)   (Doctor kneels on execution block - the axe approaches his bare3             neck.)  '             Doctor:Where's my scarf...?t   Seeds of Doom:  I         (Krynoid is engulfing the mansion of Harrison Chase ; everyone isr!          running away screaming.)a  1          Krynoid:(sobbing) Nobody understands me.9  
 Face of Evil:>  G          (Doctor stands in a circle of technicians who stare baffled at            a bank of computers)  I          Doctor: Sorry. Computers are a bit of a closed book to me. Can'ta1                  help you there, I'm afraid. Bye.    Robots of Death:  H   (#1)    SV7:So brothers, together we will overcome the humans and rule(               eternally over this world!          Robots:We are supreme!h  I       Cleaner:(entering) 'Scuse me, ducks. (unplugs robots' power source,o9               plugs in Hoover ; robots fall over) Whoops.s  ;   (#2)  (TARDIS appears in crew rest-room ; Doctor emerges)   +       Doctor:(pointing at Dask) It was him.n  .         (Re-enters TARDIS and dematerialises.)   Talons of Weng-Chiang:  G   (#1)  Greel:The Time Key, Doctor! It was in that bag, it is not there !               now! Give it to me!.  $        Doctor:There you go. Oh shit.  J   (#2)  Chang:So, honourable Jago, what did you think of worthless Chang's               performance?  J          Jago:You were shit. Piss off out of my theatre, and if I ever see/               you again, I'll slit your throat.e   Horror of Fang Rock:  -           (TARDIS arrives. Doctor steps out.)e  @        Doctor:Brighton? (Sees sign ; 'Welcome to Brighton') Yup.   Image of the Fendahl:o  6        Doctor:Did I say 'salt'? Sorry, I meant 'malt'.   State of Decay:i  <    (#1)   Doctor:Oh, _stake_. I thought you meant _a steak_.  J    (#2)   Doctor:(wiping mouth) Mmm, nice garlic mushrooms, Romana. Now...                  where are we?  
 Logopolis:  H    (#1)  Doctor:(to Adric) Well, personally I couldn't care less whether/                 the thing changes shape or not.r  =    (#2)  Doctor:You fool! Don't you realise what you've done!e  F         Monitor:Your meddling has induced irreversible inertia! You've!                 killed Logopolis!o  L          Master:Nonsense! Merely a temporary sound cancelling wave. Observe.J                 (Flicks switch, they hear the Logopolitans muttering their                 computations.)            Doctor:Oh yeah. Sorry.l  6          Master:I should bloody well hope so too. Tch.   Castrovalva:  E          Adric:You must be utterly exhausted and unstable after your r                regeneration.           Doctor:Nope.  *          Adric:Not even just a little bit?           Doctor:Nope.            Adric:Sod.D  
 Black Orchid:e  4        Cranleigh:So, I suppose you're a fast bowler?  H           Doctor:No, I'm afraid I don't play cricket. I find it violent.J                  I'd much rather dress up in a clown costume and rape your                  fiancee.S   Earthshock:a           Adric:I wan to go home.d  J        Doctor:Oh, sod off. (Gets out gun, shoots him.) Tedious git. Right."               Time-Flight, anyone?  
 Five Doctors:   C   (#1)   Borusa:(stepping onto no.37 bus) Tomb of Rassilon, please.   H   (#2)   Borusa:And Captain, you are authorised to use the Mind Probe...  D       Castellan:Ooh lovely. Yes please. (Skips out hand-in-hand with"                 the Guard Captain)   The Mysterious Planet:  &       (TARDIS lands ; Doctor gets out)  a6        Doctor:Earth. (gets back in ; TARDIS vanishes.)    ;          - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -    H    Phew. An hour well-spent, I hope you'll agree. Wouldn't mind comments=  or criticism, though I draw the line at a punch in the face.i                  See ya around.e                               Matt.